World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.
[story]Bob, the Bey Breaker. (chapter 10 is up) - Printable Version

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[story]Bob, the Bey Breaker. (chapter 10 is up) - Eternal-E - Jul. 09, 2012

I decided to make a story. Bob, the Bey Breaker.

Chapter1:
Chapter2:
Chapter 3:
Chapter 4:
Chapter 5:
Chapter 6:
Chapter 7:
Chapter 8:
Chapter 9:
Chapter 10 (Click to View)



RE: bob, the bey breaker - Dual - Jul. 09, 2012

Your chapters are way to short. Try to be more descriptive, tell us more about the main character. How old is he? Where does he live? Whats he like? Also describe the mysterious bey some more. Note- i am not trying to be offensive in anyway, i am just giving some constructive critism.


RE: bob, the bey breaker - ChinaBladeâ„¢ - Jul. 09, 2012

A few things:

1. Longer chapters.
2. Capitalize the begginings of sentences.
3. Use spell check. If you have Windows, put it through Microsoft Office 95 or 10. (Depends on which computer you have) If you have a Mac, put it through the thing on there. (I don't have a Mac, so i don't kno wht it is.)
4. Prologue needs to be longer.
5. Put more effort into it.
6. Describe the characters. What's his full name? What is he wearing? How old is he? Personal things like that.

Try working on these things and overall plot. Right now, it's unclear of what the plot is. If you need help, read my story. PM Me for more tips. Not trying to be mean, I'm just givin some constructive critisism. Grin
~ China


RE: bob, the bey breaker - Eternal-E - Jul. 09, 2012

That's good to point out. the reason I diddn't describe the bey too much is because it was spinning at a really high speed and was only seen for half a second. Oh my Gosh i can use peices of that in my story! Thanks beyniac i'll be right on it.


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - Eternal-E - Jul. 09, 2012

im pretty sure i fixed chapter1


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - Tri - Jul. 09, 2012

Meh, it could still use some more description on the battles and the special moves.

"EAGLE!"I yelled"SPECIAL MOVE, Poison Drop!" L-Drago got knoicked out of the stadium.

-You didn't describe what the special move does. It says that L-Drago just got knocked out. Also, give your characters, real character. Also explain the surroundings.


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - sarabscientist - Jul. 09, 2012

Not sure if troll, or serious attempt at a story.

As soon as I saw that "Prologue" was spelt wrong, I stopped (no offense).

Capitalization. Punctuation. Grammar. Dialougue. Sentence structure.

:\


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - Eternal-E - Jul. 09, 2012

This is a real attempt to a story, but it's my first one.


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - Fantomu - Jul. 09, 2012

Grammar Nazi's will faint after reading this.


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - Eternal-E - Jul. 09, 2012

Ugh! I wanna make the new chapter so bad but spoilers don't work on my phoneCrying. The new chapter will be up sometime... I guess..


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - ChinaBladeâ„¢ - Jul. 09, 2012

(Jul. 09, 2012  2:41 PM)Fantomu Wrote: Grammar Nazi's will faint after reading this.

Amen.
Anyways, there are still a lot of gramatical errors. When you get back on your computer, try working on that.
~ China


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - sarabscientist - Jul. 09, 2012

(Jul. 09, 2012  2:41 PM)Fantomu Wrote: Grammar Nazi's will faint after reading this.

qft

I died.


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - Eternal-E - Jul. 09, 2012

I Finished Chapter 2!



RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - Eternal-E - Aug. 01, 2012

Sorry for the double post but I want this story to get good recognition and ppl need to read this to really know what it's about.


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - dragondrone - Aug. 14, 2012

Where's the next chapter?


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - sarabscientist - Aug. 14, 2012

Since you apparently are living in the same house, why don't you ask him?


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - Eternal-E - Aug. 14, 2012

Because I finished the chapter and diddnt yet post it. He read it, and than downloaded spellcheck ;p


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - dragondrone - Aug. 14, 2012

And spellcheck has helped your writing ever sence.


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - MasterBlader-X - Aug. 14, 2012

I am really in to this story. I wana see Venom Eagles true power.Stupid


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - Eternal-E - Aug. 14, 2012

You haven't seen half of it yet! Wait until the end. A couple of the main characters will battle.


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - MasterBlader-X - Aug. 14, 2012

Can't waitStupid


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - Eternal-E - Aug. 14, 2012

Maybe I'll post chapter four early...


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - Eternal-E - Aug. 14, 2012

Sorry for the double post but... Horray! Chapter four is DONE!


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - MasterBlader-X - Aug. 14, 2012

You need to work on your spelling, other then that sounds great.Stupid


RE: bob, the bey breaker{story} - Eternal-E - Aug. 14, 2012

(Aug. 14, 2012  9:42 PM)MasterBlader-x Wrote: You need to work on your spelling, other then that sounds great.Stupid

I have no idea how to spell torneyment or techneque.