Beystory-Misadventures of Jordan Patterson - pegasis1999 - Jul. 01, 2012
Chapter 1-Bro I'm not a Cliche Once upon in a land far far away,hold up wtf type cliche beginning is that. I'll take it from here narrator. Hi, people of the beyblade world my name is Jordan my friends call me Yorudan. Are you okay with that? Yea? Okay. I'm black or African American whatever you want to call it. I am a medium tone brown kid. I'm thirteen years old and was born in Havelock, North Carolina. I have medium brown eyes that strangely flare purple when mad. I'm about 5'2 and told i'm very intelligent. Due to living in Arkansas I can't compete in many tournaments. But i have competed in like five or six of them so i'm experienced. I've been beyblading since i was six i love the sport of beyblade. Here you've met me now meet my bey MF Basalt Pegasis 85 MF, he's a pretty cool dude and he is awesome in battle. So let's begin this story from the top.
Chapter 2-Pegasis Enters "Pat pat pat pat pat." That's the sound of my feet as I'm running. More like trying to save myself. The kids from the Bey Shack (that is the name of the store, full name beyblade shack) are pelting me with rocks for buying the last right/left bey string launcher. As it is implied this beylauncher can launch beyblades left and right.
As I'm running I see the old alley, so I quickly bolted and turned the corner. They all ran passed me except Billy. Billy is a short, chubby kid. He's about 4'9 with brown hair and black eyes. He's white and makes mediocre grades in school and he's 14. He wears a green flack jacket with a red t, red cargo shorts and green Nikes. His bey is Counter Pegasis 100SF.
Then he shouted "Guys he's over here hurry." I tried to escape but I couldn't climb the crates fast enough. So as I was coming down rocks were bolting at my head. "Let's battle for that launcher." Billy implied. "But this is the only launcher I have with me, and my bey isn't on me." I squeamishly said trying to doge rocks. But then all of a sudden we saw a bright flash. "Aaaahhhh!" I screamed because what felt like slightly larger rock hit me in the head.
I woke up screaming. I found myself in a hospital bed and all is silent. I look to my right....and nobodies there. I peer to my left..."Good Morning Sleepy Head!!!"Chelsey exclaimed excitedly. I didn't reply. Chelsey is white, a sweet girl, but cruel in the beystadium. Her bey is Duo Uranus T125WF. It looks weak and off balance to most but that bey can get cruel. She is 5'0, 13 years old, and she has blonde hair. She has amazingly beautiful blue eyes. She wears a white shirt with red trim and black leggings with a jean skirt over it, while always wearing black and red vans shoes.
"So anyways what happened Chelsey?" I grunted with a headaching pain. "Oh, I don't know, I just saw you laying in the alley with this bey." She replied in question. " A bey, I didn't have one with me." I grunted again. " This bey must really like you then because it seems to have chose you." She said. Then I was able to recall a dream from when I was knocked out. " I was floating around in a very metallic universe. I really mean everything was metal. Then a horse with a horses knight helmet on and titanium wings on its back walked up to me. It stared at me until I touched its head. All these thought I could hear. Then it said, " I am the metal masked, titanium wing bey called MF Basalt Pegasis 85MF. Ride me, it's your destiny." So I rode it and I woke up here." I dramatically explained to Chelsey. " So do you want to go test it out?" Chelsey asked. " Hell yea! You don't choose the blade, the blade chooses you and you connect your heart with it's core." I replied excitingly. " Alright sexy, let's go battle!"Chelsey said really pumped. By the way I sort of left out Chelsey is my girlfriend.
So she checked me out and we went to my place. We used the stadium I constructed because everyone in the neighborhood says mine I build are better than the stores and are very close to beyparks stadiums.
Constructive criticism needed. Thank You[/align]
RE: Beystory-Misadventures of Jordan Patterson - Syco - Jul. 01, 2012
(Jul. 01, 2012 11:13 AM)pegasis1999 Wrote: Chapter 1-Bro I'm not a Cliche- Once upon in a land far far away,hold up wtf type cliche beginning is that. I'll take it from here narrator. Hi, people of the beyblade world my name is Jordan my friends Yorudan. Are you okay with that? Yea? Okay. I'm black or African American whatever you want to call it. I am a medium tone brown kid. I'm thirteen years old and was born in Havelock, North Carolina. I have medium brown eyes that strangely flare purple when mad. I'm about 5'2 and told i'm very intelligent. Due to living in Arkansas I can't compete in many tournaments. But i have competed in like five or six of them so i'm experienced. I've been beyblading since i was six i love the sport of beyblade. Here you've met me now meet my bey MF Basalt Pegasis 85 MF, he's a pretty cool dude and he is awesome in battle. So let's begin this story from the top.
That type of writing is used wen u r talking to someone in real life
RE: Beystory-Misadventures of Jordan Patterson - DefStamina88 - Jul. 01, 2012
Yeaaahhhh...this story has quite a few flaws:
1: WAY too short...
2: Too jumbled...
3: I can't make out some of that...
4: Don't use text for someone speaking...
5: A few 'I's that should be CAPPED aren't...
You should probably go to Sparta's Writing Therapy thread and ask for some tips to make this story better...
RE: Beystory-Misadventures of Jordan Patterson - pegasis1999 - Jul. 01, 2012
thanks guys
Posted chapter 2 in the spoilers
RE: Beystory-Misadventures of Jordan Patterson - Syco - Jul. 02, 2012
Ur spellings are far out man use a dictionary
RE: Beystory-Misadventures of Jordan Patterson - DefStamina88 - Jul. 02, 2012
1: O
2: X
3: X
4: O
5: O
Seriously, you really need to fix that stuff...
RE: Beystory-Misadventures of Jordan Patterson - pegasis1999 - Jul. 02, 2012
(Jul. 02, 2012 5:32 PM)DefStamina88 Wrote: 1: O
2: X
3: X
4: O
5: O
Seriously, you really need to fix that stuff...
what am i doing wrong
RE: Beystory-Misadventures of Jordan Patterson - DefStamina88 - Jul. 02, 2012
(Jul. 02, 2012 6:00 PM)pegasis1999 Wrote: (Jul. 02, 2012 5:32 PM)DefStamina88 Wrote: 1: O
2: X
3: X
4: O
5: O
Seriously, you really need to fix that stuff...
what am i doing wrong
Look at my post before that one...
RE: Beystory-Misadventures of Jordan Patterson - Syco - Jul. 03, 2012
OH MY GOD!!INSULT!!
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