World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.
The Blades of Fury! - Printable Version

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The Blades of Fury! - Synth - Apr. 10, 2012

I am like BP, can't stick to one story XD

Prologue: Stranded
I still have some grammar mistakes, I know. so any suggestions?



RE: The Blades of Fury! - Septentrione - Apr. 11, 2012

So, this is actually the first time I saw you do a story... and it it excellent. It's still the prologue, I know, but you had the power to make it exciting. Kudos for that.
Anyway, here are some of my suggestions.
-You sometimes (Well, I only saw one) forget to use past tense verbs.
-You also forget to use capital letters after a punctuation.
-That being said, you also forget to use punctuations after your character says something.
-Also, "were" should be changed into "we're" because were is just a past tense of are, while we're is referring to we are. Which I assume is that Aki is pertaining to him and Lucy characters.

That's about it. The other problems can be fixed with the suggestions I gave above.
Other than that, I like this. Very much. Go on.


RE: The Blades of Fury! - Synth - Apr. 11, 2012

Thanks, Deus. I should take note of that XD

Anyways, Here's the first Chapter!:

Chapter 1: Unexpected
phew! that was long XD





RE: The Blades of Fury! - Septentrione - Apr. 12, 2012

Whoa, Metallica = Dwarf/Gnome?
Anyway, it's pretty interesting already. Tongue_out Though near the end Metallica said, "does" do you mean "those?"
Also, it's not -that- long. But, it is be a good improvement.


RE: The Blades of Fury! - Synth - Apr. 12, 2012

Metallica Wrote:I am a Guardian, Not a Dwarf/Gnome. What do expect? I'm like a dragon or something?! News flash: I'M NOT.

ANYWAYS, Chapter 2!:

Chapter 2: Explanation
フレイムの剣がアクティブに- means "Flame sword Activate". It will be changed, however ;p

EDIT:OH! and yes, I forgot:
I made a blog site for some of my daily craziness. The story will also be posted there, and some of my "crazy" stuff XD
Its called: The Blood Files!
I will still post the story here, but you can check out my blog site for updates on the stories, and my works of art!


RE: The Blades of Fury! - Focus - Apr. 12, 2012

I love the entire thing
This is what u call awesome!
Quote:I grabbed Lucy, and we hide at a nearly surviving hut.

hide? the action hiding is already over so I think it is supposed to be hid cuz hide is present tense and hid is past Tense.

Quote:"Oh, sorry for the rude attitude. The name is Metallica

It seems that u have mistaken it is supposed to be My name but u kept The Name
Correct me if i am wrong Grin

Thank u







RE: The Blades of Fury! - Synth - Apr. 12, 2012

Ah yes, I forgot about those...

TBH, the part where Metallica is introducing himself, was suppose to be:
"The name's Metallica"

I just didn't notice it. Gonna edit it now! thanks



RE: The Blades of Fury! - Synth - Apr. 13, 2012

Sorry for double post, But here is Chapter 3!

Chapter 3: The seige
Uhh, Not much of an action, isn't it?


RE: The Blades of Fury! - Synth - Apr. 15, 2012

Sorry for triple post, but here is Chapter 4!

Chapter 4: The Flame Knight Awakens
More Japanese words: More translating! XD
炎の噴火- Flame Eruption


RE: The Blades of Fury! - Synth - Apr. 23, 2012

Due to writer's block, I haven't even made the next chapter...

However, here's the Bio of the main Character, Akira. It could give you spoilers, though XD:
Akira



RE: The Blades of Fury! - Duck - Apr. 25, 2012

This is a beautiful story... *sighs contently*


RE: The Blades of Fury! - akio314 - Apr. 28, 2012

I made up some characters: Kazuo is a 13-year old who is very smart and brave, yet physically weak, he is the prince of a race called Zykans, an aquatic race that can control water, Kazuo has control over water. Kazuo makes puns as comic relief for his friends.


RE: The Blades of Fury! - Argentum - Apr. 28, 2012

nice story man!


RE: The Blades of Fury! - Synth - Apr. 28, 2012

(Apr. 28, 2012  12:28 PM)Akio314 Wrote: I made up some characters: Kazuo is a 13-year old who is very smart and brave, yet physically weak, he is the prince of a race called Zykans, an aquatic race that can control water, Kazuo has control over water. Kazuo makes puns as comic relief for his friends.

I don't need characters right now. I'll sure contact you if I do.

thanks to the ones who likes it, as a prize next chapter TOM!!



RE: The Blades of Fury! - Sparta - Apr. 28, 2012

It's alright to not be loyal to just one story-almost all professional writers will bounce from idea to idea, starting on this and that and rarely finishing anything. And what they do finish, gets published. That's the process.

I saw a few grammatical errors (Like plurals), as well as some comma misuse. You're a very descriptive writer, and that's something that will work for you. You're good at painting scenes, and in chapter one I could see the monster you were describing. Add some tags after your dialogue here and there, and make sure to really amp up the battle scenes-they're supposed to be intense, so write them as such!


RE: The Blades of Fury! - Synth - Apr. 28, 2012

I don't really get the Tags you mean after the dialouge. you mean like:
["Blalalalala" I exclaimed] thing?


RE: The Blades of Fury! - Sparta - Apr. 28, 2012

Sort of. I mean saying something to direct the reader as to who said that piece of dialogue.
Which one is easier to read/more detailed?
"Hi" I said
"Hey"
"What's up?" He scratched his head
"Not much"
Or
"Hey" I said
"Hey"
"What's up?" He scratched his head.
"Not much" I replied happily

When you get a constant stream between 2 people, you don't need it. But when you are switching between a group of people or there are breaks in the dialogue, it's good to say who's saying what.


RE: The Blades of Fury! - Synth - Apr. 28, 2012

ohhh... well thank you for that. I should try to make it...


RE: The Blades of Fury! - akio314 - May. 01, 2012

Well, I just thought since you don't have many characters yet, that I should give you an idea.


RE: The Blades of Fury! - Synth - Sep. 23, 2012

Wow, It's been awhile since I started this again. Let's continue where Aki Left of, shall we?
Chapter 5: Look out!
Sorry if it's a bit small. I'm a bit sleepy. I guess I'll edit some parts of it tomorrow. but till then!
溶岩ブーメラン - Lava Boomerang


RE: The Blades of Fury! - Synth - Sep. 24, 2012

Here is chapter 6 of this series!

Chapter 6: The King's Last battle
I feel I made this in a lazy way, so sorry if they are in wrong grammar.

Oh, and sorry for this post. Not much people read my stories...




RE: The Blades of Fury! - Cookie Bouquets - Sep. 24, 2012

Hah, your story writing is just as good as your GFX


RE: The Blades of Fury! - Synth - Sep. 25, 2012

Thanks!

Anyways, here is chapter 7:

Chapter 7: The mistress of darkness
What could be that spell he used? Will he be able to defeat the mistress? Find out in the next chapter