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+--- Thread: Beyblade story. (/Thread-Beyblade-story--42521)
Beyblade story. - sucks - Oct. 28, 2011
Max's beyblade flew past his face and landed on the the pavement. Max leaned over and picked up the damaged basalt aquila. "Another customization failed",he thought to himself. The beyblade had giant gashes stretching from one side of the bey to the other. Pieces of metal protruded out from its metal wheel. He slipped the destroyed beyblade into his pocket. Max looked up at his undefeated foe. "so" said the fat boy in front of him. The boy outstretched his arm to Max. "Wheres my money?" he said. Max got to his feet and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a crumpled ten dollars and put it onto the boys piggy hand. "See you tomorrow" the fat boy said.
Max arrived at school the next day. The bell had not gone yet so he walked over to the dish where the other kids in his school beybladed. Max didn't want to get another beyblade destroyed by the fat boy so he settled on beyblading with the smaller kids in his school. Max easily beat all of them, but one child had some strength in him. Max's beyblade was being chased by a lightning l drago bd145 rf. Max's beyblade turned sharply and swerved to the back of his opponents beyblade. Max's beyblade rammed into the lightning l drago. It flew out of the dish and hit the
worst thing possible; The fat kids head. The fat boy namely Sean turned around. "Is this your beyblade?" he growled.
"N-no" Max stammered, backing away slowly.
"Whose is it then?" Sean demanded.
"It's his!" Max pointed to the boy he had just defeated. Sean turned to the small child and threw the beyblade aside. He was just about to throw a punch when Max spoke up.
"Actually I hit the beyblade out so you should be coming for me!" Sean immediately turned to face Max and in a matter of seconds Max was sprawled out on the ground clutching his stomach.
The next morning Max was walking to his local milk bar. Max walked in. He looked at the huge selection of sweets chips and drinks. Max picked out a big chocolate bar and a soda and placed the items on the counter. The shop keeper went through all the items scanning them. Max noticed a big poster behind the shop keeper saying Beyblade. "Whats that?" max asked.
"That is the big beyblade championship coming up soon" said the shop keeper. Down the bottom of the large colorful poster the word wbba were printed. Qualifying tornerments at your local blader dish it said. Max set out walking down the street gulping down his drink. He walked to the big building at the end of the street that had the words BLADER DISH painted on it. Max burped and threw his drink and chocolate wrapper into the rubbish bin. The automatic doors slid open and Max walked inside the air conditioned room. Three doors were positioned in front of him. One number was on each.1, 2 and 3. "Qualifying tournaments this way" said a man in a black suit. The letters wbba on his jacket. Max followed the man into room 1. Crowds were spread out across seats. "It's time for the qualifying tournament to begin!" the loud speaker screeched. To boys around the age of 13 were both positioned on either side of the big blading dish. "Are you competing?" asked the man.
"Yes" said Max nervously. The man lead Max into a room that had a sign on its the large door saying:only tournament entries here. "Sit down and prepare your beyblades" said the man "Your on in five."
Max sat down on one of the many cold metal benches. He opened his big toolbox that held all his beyblades. He rummaged through his box looking for a decent customization. He pulled out a lightning tank(lightning l-drago bd145 rf) and put it into his pocket. He chose his three segment launcher grip and attached his left spin bey-launcher on to it. Max closed his toolbox and looked at the tv on the wall. It showed all the battles. One beyblade was knocked out so hard it made a dent in the wall. Max was getting really nervous. He didn't want his beyblade to end up like THAT. The man Max had seen before rushed in. "Please print your name on the dotted line" he said handing Max a pen and paper. Max did as he was told and handed the items back to the man."Thank you" the man said. Almost immediately after Max had done so his name was called out over the loud speaker."Now its max vs Jacob!" it shouted. Max stood up beyblade at hand and walked out of the preparation room.
Max walked up the stairs and took his position at the end of the dish. Jacob was standing opposite him. "Three" the loud speaker said "two one...Gooooo shoot!" Max launched his beyblade perfectly into the stadium. He immediately begun attacking. His beyblade hit Jacobs beyblade with full force. Max had Jacobs beyblade right on the verge of falling out of the stadium. Jacobs basalt horogium threw all its weight towards lightning l-drago. "reverse!" Max shouted. His beyblade retreated to the opposite end of the stadium.
RE: Beyblade story. - Kujikato - Oct. 28, 2011
If you cannot use proper grammar and punctuation, dont continue, read the WBO Writing Standards first, maybe that will help you. However, if this is the prolouge, I donot mind. You have a good balance of dialogue and description, which I like. as i said, fix your grammar and punctuation then keep going with the passion to succeed.
Regards,
Izuma Inzori
that was kindda weird, i feel like a pro editor now
)
RE: Beyblade story. - Lyra - Oct. 28, 2011
I don't want to be a forum Na zi but I think you just need to add more description.I'd give it a 5.5/10. Just have fun typing and listen to these sugestions.
RE: Beyblade story. - Kujikato - Oct. 28, 2011
this isnt a 5.5/10, this is a 3/10 (sorry for being harsh) a story like mine would only be a 7/10 MAX i suppose, read more books of quality, eg. Lord of the Rings, Animal Farm, The Kingdom Series, C.S. Lewis, they all have quality. we are just amateurs compared to them. (well, me and the gang (sparta, Temporal, etc.) maybe are a bit more advanced but still suck when compared to those books)
RE: Beyblade story. - Lyra - Oct. 28, 2011
"Lord of The Rings" I now like you more.Well I'd rate my story with a 5.5. You should add to peoples ratings so they are encouraged to write. the story is decent and dont be put down with these harsh ratings :p.
(I have a 1st edition Silmarillion)
RE: Beyblade story. - sucks - Oct. 28, 2011
(Oct. 28, 2011 5:28 AM)Izuma Inzori Wrote: this isnt a 5.5/10, this is a 3/10 (sorry for being harsh) a story like mine would only be a 7/10 MAX i suppose, read more books of quality, eg. Lord of the Rings, Animal Farm, The Kingdom Series, C.S. Lewis, they all have quality. we are just amateurs compared to them. (well, me and the gang (sparta, Temporal, etc.) maybe are a bit more advanced but still suck when compared to those books)I have read lord of the rings(awsome book) so is animal farm.
Ill try and fix up any more mistakes in the next bit.
RE: Beyblade story. - Kujikato - Oct. 28, 2011
I read all of them within a week, flat. well more like 24 hours of reading for all. and good luck
RE: Beyblade story. - Temporal - Oct. 29, 2011
(Oct. 28, 2011 5:28 AM)Izuma Inzori Wrote: this isnt a 5.5/10, this is a 3/10 (sorry for being harsh) a story like mine would only be a 7/10 MAX i suppose, read more books of quality, eg. Lord of the Rings, Animal Farm, The Kingdom Series, C.S. Lewis, they all have quality. we are just amateurs compared to them. (well, me and the gang (sparta, Temporal, etc.) maybe are a bit more advanced but still suck when compared to those books)
*pouts* I don't SUCK compared to those guys! I like to think my style of writing is pretty damn good, thank you very MUCH. Anyways, you should try to develop your own style of writing. It will help you cut down on mistakes. (At this point, I could read a paragraph and tell who's it is based on style.) In fact, I had a list on everyone's style posted here.
RE: Beyblade story. - BeybladerPotter - Oct. 29, 2011
(Oct. 29, 2011 6:05 AM)Temporal Wrote:You mean the pro's and the con's. LOL. Unless....there is another one...(Oct. 28, 2011 5:28 AM)Izuma Inzori Wrote: this isnt a 5.5/10, this is a 3/10 (sorry for being harsh) a story like mine would only be a 7/10 MAX i suppose, read more books of quality, eg. Lord of the Rings, Animal Farm, The Kingdom Series, C.S. Lewis, they all have quality. we are just amateurs compared to them. (well, me and the gang (sparta, Temporal, etc.) maybe are a bit more advanced but still suck when compared to those books)
*pouts* I don't SUCK compared to those guys! I like to think my style of writing is pretty damn good, thank you very MUCH. Anyways, you should try to develop your own style of writing. It will help you cut down on mistakes. (At this point, I could read a paragraph and tell who's it is based on style.) In fact, I had a list on everyone's style posted here.
RE: Beyblade story. - Temporal - Oct. 29, 2011
Eh, I think I have a post on style here.
RE: Beyblade story. - TITAN - Oct. 29, 2011
Well, who wrote this post?
It isn't as bad as the story of a certain brony, but it needs work. A lot of work.
RE: Beyblade story. - sucks - Oct. 30, 2011
(Oct. 29, 2011 6:15 AM)TITAN Wrote: Well, who wrote this post?dude you cant expect me to write the best story in history. im only like 11.
It isn't as bad as the story of a certain brony, but it needs work. A lot of work.
RE: Beyblade story. - Sparta - Oct. 30, 2011
ANNNNNNNNNNNNND he went there.
Oh, boy.
The age excuse.
Dude, don't use your age as an excuse. People get really PO'd around here when they see that-they (And I as well) believe that as long as you write a lot and keep working at it, it shouldn't matter what age you are.
RE: Beyblade story. - BeybladerPotter - Oct. 30, 2011
And I'm like 10.
^What he said. Please don't be like those people who fight back when criticism is made. It is very irritating.
RE: Beyblade story. - Temporal - Oct. 30, 2011
(Oct. 30, 2011 12:01 AM)sucks Wrote:(Oct. 29, 2011 6:15 AM)TITAN Wrote: Well, who wrote this post?dude you cant expect me to write the best story in history. im only like 11.
It isn't as bad as the story of a certain brony, but it needs work. A lot of work.
This excuse is the dumbest one...oh, wait. The cellar-dwellers of WBO writing all use it. Whoops. That flies in the NFL, but not in writing. I could write since I was six, man. If you're not gonna put in any effort, don't write. Don't fight criticism. Just edit the damn story. It's not that HARD.
RE: Beyblade story. - Deikailo - Oct. 30, 2011
I have no idea what you guys are going on about. Aside from starting every sentence with Max (which gets a little mundane) this is a VERY good piece of work for an 11 year old. Even I couldn't write this well at your age. Everyone telling him to add more description has obviously not read a short story. This one has just enough. If he was writing a novel, obviously he'd need more, but he's not. Get over yourselves.
Great job, dude. I mean it. PM me when you have the next one up!
RE: Beyblade story. - Temporal - Oct. 30, 2011
My issue is not the writing. It's the fact that he used age as an excuse. THAT's my issue. I don't think that people should use age as a crutch.
RE: Beyblade story. - sucks - Oct. 30, 2011
(Oct. 30, 2011 3:14 AM)Deikailo Wrote: I have no idea what you guys are going on about. Aside from starting every sentence with Max (which gets a little mundane) this is a VERY good piece of work for an 11 year old. Even I couldn't write this well at your age. Everyone telling him to add more description has obviously not read a short story. This one has just enough. If he was writing a novel, obviously he'd need more, but he's not. Get over yourselves.Thanks! ill get the next bit up as soon as possible
Great job, dude. I mean it. PM me when you have the next one up!
RE: Beyblade story. - Deikailo - Oct. 30, 2011
(Oct. 30, 2011 3:26 AM)Temporal Wrote: My issue is not the writing. It's the fact that he used age as an excuse. THAT's my issue. I don't think that people should use age as a crutch.And I don't think you guys have any business bashing him when he is clearly giving it his all, unlike most kids here. He's got a solid base for his story. He'll learn as he reads and writes. You all were criticizing a perfectly good story. At his level, he's not going to be a genius writer. He's completely right. He's going to improve, no doubt, but at a young age, it's cruel to attack him like you all did.
You all are borderline bullying this sub forum with this critiquing of yours. It's disgusting.
RE: Beyblade story. - Sparta - Oct. 30, 2011
dei Hold on, wait just a sec. I never said his story was bad, nor did I say it was bad for his age. The fact that he tried to use an excuse instead of accepting some healthy criticism is what kinda bothered me. It's like a GFXer who asks for criticism, gets it, and then says "Oh it's cuz my GIMP is uber bad" people who shirk the blame-that's the only thing that irked me.
Alright, I'm borderline derailing this thread. Dei, if you'd like to talk with me still through PM I don't have a problem, but we should stop posting this stuff on his thread.
Sorry for that, sucks. We sucks, too
.