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Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - JakePlaysGamess - Sep. 24, 2011
Hey all, I'm working on a new Beyblade story called Beyblade: Metal Force. It is NOT set in the same universe as BMF or the original series, however the tops used are the BMF series. Anyway here is the first chapter. Enjoy!
Chapter One
Kane walked down the stone path of the 1st District. He could feel the wind against his face, blowing his hair back. He was on his way to BeyStop, a hobby shop where Beys, parts and accessories could be purchased, as well as Beyblade repairs. His Bey had been through a lot lately, and he wanted to have it checked out and repaired if necessary. His Bey was his life.
Outside BeyStop, two Beys were clashing fiercely. One was a Poison Wolf D125MS and the other was a Ray Lacerta H145CS. “Leave it, Rick!†shouted the younger blader. “Haha! No way, kid! I’ll take care of you and then take your Bey!†Rick was controlling the Wolf Bey. Wolf was knocking Lacerta around effortlessly. “Go, Wolf!†roared Rick, “Special Move, Venom Smash!†Wolf charged at Lacerta, gathering energy. Suddenly, an orange Bey flew into the stadium, knocked out Wolf, and flew back to the hands of its owner. “ You shouldn’t be picking on kids,†said Kane.
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - JakePlaysGamess - Sep. 25, 2011
Chapter Two
Rick stared at Kane for about five seconds, and then he turned around and ran away, stumbling as he went. The younger blader couldn’t believe his eyes. “Uh, thanks a lot!†he said. “No problem!†said Kane, “What’s your name, anyway?†The kid seemed quite shy. “I’m Harry,†he mumbled, “Harry Granger!†Then he turned and said; “And yours?†Kane smiled. “The name’s Kane,†he said, “and this is the Bey that saved yours,†He pulled out the orange Bey. “Crushing Leone 85XF,†“Cool!†marvelled Harry, “My Lacerta’s not in good shape,†Kane had an idea. “I was just on my way to get mine checked up, too! Let’s go together!â€
“Two Bey check-ups, please!†said Kane. “Why, certainly,†said the clerk, “Please show me the Beyblades,†Kane and Harry handed over Leone and Lacerta. “Take a seat,†said the clerk. She took the Beys into the back room of the store. Kane sat down. Harry hesitated, then followed suit. Kane’s eyes wandered to the TV at the other side of the room. It was showing an advert for the Beyblade World Championships. “Wouldn’t it be great?†said Kane. “What?†asked a puzzled Harry, “The World Championships,†said Kane dreamily. “Someday,†said Harry out of nowhere, “Someday,â€
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - Sparta - Sep. 26, 2011
Hmm...your chapters are a little short, and your main protagonist is a major mary-sue, but the story's grammar and flow isn't too bad.
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - Korinzu - Sep. 26, 2011
Looks like this will flow through well, but yeah, your chapters need to be a smidge longer, good otherwise!
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - JakePlaysGamess - Sep. 30, 2011
I'll work on the chapters =] thanks for the feedback guys! Chapter 3 will probably come in about 2 days.
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - JakePlaysGamess - Oct. 29, 2011
Sorry i haven't updated this. I've been busy. I'll try to update soon. And what's wrong with my main character( and what can i do to improve him)?
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - Kujikato - Oct. 29, 2011
a good story in a sense, but I suggest changing the title, it seems well, kindda iffy. and also, try making the chapters a tad paragraph or too longer. Either than that, neat story. Bout the main character, dont make him so Mary Sueish.
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - JakePlaysGamess - Oct. 29, 2011
Yeah, I was thinking of changing the title, it sorta makes it look like some sort of continuation of Metal Fusion/Masters, which it isn't. I've already mentioned the next chapters increasing in length, would it be a good idea to merge the first two chapters, and make the result Chapter One? And what do you mean by Mary Sueish?
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - Ga' - Oct. 29, 2011
Mary-Sue = Typical story. Cliché, if you must. The mary-sue beyblade story would be the selfless hero battling and never doing wrong. He's surrounded by his friends, and always defeats evil. He may fall a little, but always comes back and defeats the evil villain + bey. Your protagonist is beginning to fit this description, and the story is too.
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - JakePlaysGamess - Oct. 29, 2011
I'm only two chapters in, it won't stay like that for long
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - Kujikato - Oct. 30, 2011
we'll see, we'll see........... but I like your flow.
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - JakePlaysGamess - Oct. 30, 2011
Thanks. Pretty much confirmed that chapter three and maybe four will be on tuesday
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - Kujikato - Oct. 30, 2011
great, KIU mate, KIU
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - JakePlaysGamess - Nov. 02, 2011
REALLY sorrry guys, there was a problem and chapter three got deleted.
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - njrk97 - Nov. 02, 2011
perhaps make your main character in one stage get tempted into useing an forbidden bey or make him have so bad at least ai mean we do where all humna also character requests?
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - JakePlaysGamess - Nov. 02, 2011
I will take character requests however not all requests will be incorporated.
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - Cygnus - Nov. 03, 2011
Do not take character requests! They ruin your story.
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - Annoying-Fork - Nov. 03, 2011
I have to agree, the state of fan fiction here is kind of jarring.
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - rydeatwonTM - Nov. 03, 2011
You don't need to be mad or anything about character requests...
They will not ruin your story!!!What kind of rumor is that?!?!?!
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - Cygnus - Nov. 03, 2011
When writing a story, you should include your own characters, not others. Using others can change your story plot all together.
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - rydeatwonTM - Nov. 04, 2011
oh,i get it now
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - TITAN - Nov. 04, 2011
(Nov. 03, 2011 9:29 PM)rydeatwon Wrote: You don't need to be mad or anything about character requests...
They will not ruin your story!!!What kind of rumor is that?!?!?!
Um, a true one. I used requests in my first story, practically killing something decent.
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - RowDog - Nov. 06, 2011
That's mainly because writers try to incorporate every request they get and it is no longer their story. If you are very harsh on character requests and the only ones you choose are very minor roles your story should still move on fine.
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - Temporal - Nov. 06, 2011
Even then, is it really the public's choice on who goes in? Did we decide on Hermoine in Harry Potter? Did the general public make Viola in the Chaos Walking series? Did one of us come up with the basic idea for Petra in Ender's Game? Are we responsible for the creation of Rue in The Hunger Games? Exactly. A writer must learn to create their own characters, using people as basis, not a source. Maybe he could make a serious character who always has a rational answer to anything, and say it was based on you. Maybe he'll add one who's out of his mind and rants often. (No prizes for guessing THAT one.) On the other hand, maybe he'll make one that's based on Sparta, or anyone else. I mean, he's not restricted from doing THAT, and it seems so much less fake. In fact, Sherlock Holmes was based on a doctor the author met who basically guessed everyone's basic life with deductive reasoning. Hence we have the world-wide phenomenon that is SHerlock Holmes.
RE: Beyblade: Metal Force (Beyblade Story) - JakePlaysGamess - Jan. 10, 2012
Someone can close this. I'm working on a new Metal Fight/G-revolution crossover story! I know they're not set in the same universe, just go with it :L this time I'll wait till the whole thing is done to post it