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+--- Thread: The Biggest Dreamer: Chapter 1, The Worlds Finest- Clash on the summit! (/Thread-The-Biggest-Dreamer-Chapter-1-The-Worlds-Finest-Clash-on-the-summit)
The Biggest Dreamer: Chapter 1, The Worlds Finest- Clash on the summit! - OnePiece - Aug. 07, 2011
READ THE PROLOGUE FIRST
The wind atop mount hagane was fierce the glint of a nearby stadium forced his eyes away
This was the biggest moment of his life, to battle his idol.
The man facing him, Gingka Hagane
The sweat trickled of his forehead, Oliver had never felt this much tension.
His bey's metal wheel was growing hotter and hotter as he clenched it.
"Who are you?" asked Gingka.
No answer came just a smile and the raising of a launcher.
"I see" said Gingka "I don't think you have a chance, but i'll give you a try"
Launcher in hand Oliver prepared himself for the battle of his life...
3-2-1 LET IT RIP!!!!
The beys circled each other glinting in the glow of twilight
"Go pegasus galaxy-nova"
Pegasus flew toward Wolfly with enough force to move the planets themselves
Oliver smirked as his bey EarthWolflyED145CS changed from Defence mode to Attack mode!
The alluring blue glow surrounding pegasus broke into a reddish array of sparks as the Beys clashed, the fray continued as the bladers showed there true powers, many a time the beys get knocked closer and closer to the edge of the stadium.
"Now were playing for keeps!" exclaimed Gingka. "Pegasus! Glorious Rays"
Pegasus glowed a bright pink and shot toward the opposing bey.
"I guess that move I came up with was worth the effort, im sorry to say it's over"
"I don't think so" announced Oliver "I haven't shown my true howl yet
"W-wh-what do you mean" replied Gingka"
"I'll show you!"
"Wolfly LUNAR ASSAULT!!".
The beys connected in a furious clash by the time the smoke cleared the bladers were surprised to see the sight before them, two motionless beys surrounded by cracked crystal, the stadium cooled and the bladers shook hands.
But nothing could prepare them for what was about to unfold.
Note this is set 3 years after 4-D gingkas new bey is HeraclePegasusRazorWing100RF
RE: The Biggest Dreamer: Chapter 1, The Worlds Finest- Clash on the summit! - Cygnus - Aug. 07, 2011
Well, your grammar is fine but I would advise you to read over your work a few times and plan out what is going to happen. It looks to me that you didn't plan out your story.
RE: The Biggest Dreamer: Chapter 1, The Worlds Finest- Clash on the summit! - OnePiece - Aug. 07, 2011
(Aug. 07, 2011 7:01 PM)BurnBlader Wrote: Well, your grammar is fine but I would advise you to read over your work a few times and plan out what is going to happen. It looks to me that you didn't plan out your story.
did you read the prologue thats why it doesn't seem planned out this is just a follow on
RE: The Biggest Dreamer: Chapter 1, The Worlds Finest- Clash on the summit! - Sparta - Aug. 07, 2011
OK, I'd like to point out a few things:
1. What's going on? Your 'chapter' is very vague and confusing.
2. Where are they? Describe the setting as well as the people, beys, and the battle.
3. Dialogue's galore! Cut down on that, please.
4. I'm confused. His metal wheel was sweating? Does that make sense to you? Read #1 again, then read it a few more times for good measure.
RE: The Biggest Dreamer: Chapter 1, The Worlds Finest- Clash on the summit! - OnePiece - Aug. 07, 2011
I described that in the prologue i fixed the sweating thing it was awkwardly worded please read the prologue before saying its confusing
RE: The Biggest Dreamer: Chapter 1, The Worlds Finest- Clash on the summit! - Sparta - Aug. 07, 2011
(Aug. 07, 2011 7:38 PM)NobleGallade Wrote: I described that in the prologue i fixed the sweating thing it was awkwardly worded please read the prologue before saying its confusing
It's still confusing. And not very well done. Read my post again.
Sorry if I sound mean, but this really will help you.
RE: The Biggest Dreamer: Chapter 1, The Worlds Finest- Clash on the summit! - OnePiece - Aug. 07, 2011
a boy has gone to meet the worlds strongest blader on top of mt hagane and then challenges him how is that confusing?
RE: The Biggest Dreamer: Chapter 1, The Worlds Finest- Clash on the summit! - Sparta - Aug. 07, 2011
(Aug. 07, 2011 9:17 PM)NobleGallade Wrote: a boy has gone to meet the worlds strongest blader on top of mt hagane and then challenges him how is that confusing?
When was it explained that they were on Mount Hagane?
See what I mean? You never mentioned that.
Look, if you're just going to fight my criticism rather than except it, then you might as well close this thread and keep your writing to yourself. Because honestly, no matter what you do, when you post a story people are going to have criticism!
My $0.02.
RE: The Biggest Dreamer: Chapter 1, The Worlds Finest- Clash on the summit! - OnePiece - Aug. 07, 2011
alright ive read through it an made some subtle changes read again it should answer all your problems
btw i hardly call the dialogue galore it was a short chapter thats hy the little dialogue seems so numorous if you look through you'll notice theres only one big chunk
and theres no need to get cocky about it its my first writings i expected alot of critisism but all i wanted was a bigger more detailed explanation not a lot unhelpful criticism thrown at me and no i wont close down my first story because you dont like it. dont read it if you dont like it
my two cents
RE: The Biggest Dreamer: Chapter 1, The Worlds Finest- Clash on the summit! - Sparta - Aug. 22, 2011
(Aug. 07, 2011 11:33 PM)NobleGallade Wrote: and theres no need to get cocky about it its my first writings i expected alot of critisism but all i wanted was a bigger more detailed explanation not a lot unhelpful criticism thrown at me and no i wont close down my first story because you dont like it. dont read it if you dont like it
my two cents
*Sigh* look, I'm just trying to help you. There are a lot more big bad scary people here who will grind you down for having a bad story. I'm one of the nicer ones, so please just take my advice and don't fight me. If you want to have a story posted on the internet, you can't expect everyone to just say it's good. If we don't like it, we say it. Hey, at least we're being honest, eh? We're on your side and just trying to help, so either take our advice, or just write in private and don't post it here so people can't comment on it.
RE: The Biggest Dreamer: Chapter 1, The Worlds Finest- Clash on the summit! - OnePiece - Aug. 22, 2011
this is an outdated story if you want the current one heres the link link
infact can a mod close this thread considering theres another with the whole story on