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Story Beyblade Fangs of Flame - MarcoThePhoenix - Aug. 06, 2011
Chapter 1 Rage of the White Tiger
I was laying down on a bench at the train station sleeping, My long dark hair in my face as i closed my dark-amber eyes, ticket in hand. The ticket was for the next train to Beijing. My name is Fai my ,last name is unimportant, I'm a runaway. I was born into a noble family, most would consider me lucky but, long story short it sucked. My parents were such autocrats, I was forced into playing violin, spending hours studying noble mannerisms, and having my parents pick and choose my friends. I wasn't allowed to make any of my own decisions. Soon I began sneaking out and running off into the slums where I made a few real friends ,Mai, Bo, Jiang, and Lin. We hung out together all the time and soon, they introduced me to beyblade. I met up with them and saw them playing beyblade in a large dish. "Whatcha guys doin?" I asked "Playin beyblade" replied Bo. "What is beyblade?" I asked. "Try it" replied Lin handing me a Spinning top and what I assumed was a launcher. "How do I play?" I asked. Jiang explained the rules to me. "3..2..1.. Let it Rip!!" I shouted as I launched the beyblade into the stadium. I watched as my bey collided with Jiang's and released a shower of sparks. I felt excitement rise in me as the two tops collided. Jiang eventually knocked my bey out of the stadium, but I wasn't upset instead, I wanted to play even more, we played for hours. At home I began to watch tournaments on TV when my parents weren't around, and studied all sorts of different battles and strategies. On my sixteenth birthday my parents unveiled the worst news., I was to be married via arranged marriage in 6 months! I ran to the slums angry and upset and then I saw my friends. They had gotten me a small cake with a single candle on it, its flames casting light over the area around us. They also had a box wrapped up next to the cake. "Make a wish" said Lin. "I wish I wasn't born a noble." I said to myself as I blew out the candle. "What dids you wish for" asked Jiang. "I cant tell you" I replied with a smile. I unwrapped my gift and smiled for inside was a beyblade with a white and blue energy ring in the shape of a pair of claws, and a fusion wheel that had long spikes protruding from it. Underneath the bey had a clear W105 spin-track and the Xtreme Flat performance tip. "Where did youy guys get this?" I asked. "A man gave it to us for free saying that this belonged to you" said Jiang. Its name is Edge Tigreros. I smiled. "Listen meet me here at eight o'clock ok?" I commanded. "Ok" said all four of my friends collectively. I ran home as fast as I could and when I got there I grabbed a backpack and packed some of my belongings into it. Then ran back to the slums. I decided that I was going to rum-away. I would not marry a woman that my parents hand picked for me. I got there at * o'clock sharp and saw my friends step out of the shadows. "So whats up?" said Bo. "I've decided to run away and I just wanted to thank you guys.. for everything." I replied. "Where will you go?" asked Mai. "I don't know" I replied. "But I'll come and viset every once and a while OK" I said with a smile. Thats how I got where I am now sleeping at a train station. I sat up to see that my train had arrived, I boarded anxious to tell my friends about my adventures.
End of chapter 1
(Note) It's kind of a slow start but it gets better during chapter 2
Please Remember to Vote and give me some Feedback
Seriously post some feedback cause I wanna know if I'm any good
RE: Story Beyblade Fangs of Flame - Temporal - Aug. 06, 2011
...It's far from good. It really seems like you simply threw together something with beybades in it. The spacing between commas is pretty bad. (You don't put a space before a comma.) The story is a wall of text, and the "I'm a noble, but I hate it!" thing is pretty forced. Plus, your spelling is still bad. Did you listen to the criticism I gave you last time?
RE: Story Beyblade Fangs of Flame - MarcoThePhoenix - Aug. 06, 2011
Ok maybe I should just give up I'm no good anyway
RE: Story Beyblade Fangs of Flame - Temporal - Aug. 06, 2011
Eh, you asked for honest criticism, you got honest criticism. Just improve. It's simple. Of course, simple doesn't mean easy.
RE: Story Beyblade Fangs of Flame - MarcoThePhoenix - Aug. 06, 2011
I know