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Quick Sonnet - NAP - Apr. 03, 2009
[post deleted]
RE: Quick Sonnet - Deikailo - Apr. 03, 2009
That's beautiful.
Although, some lines have a different style than others, which causes parts to clash. :?
Other than that, it's definitely better than most unpublished poetry I've seen.
RE: Quick Sonnet - NAP - Apr. 03, 2009
(Apr. 03, 2009 4:24 PM)Deikailo Wrote: Although, some lines have a different style than others, which causes parts to clash. :?
Yes, I understand. It was just that I had to write in the abab cdcd efef gg form. So, I had to conform to that and some of the rhymes are just whack.
RE: Quick Sonnet - Deikailo - Apr. 03, 2009
(Apr. 03, 2009 4:27 PM)shikamaru526 Wrote: Yes, I understand. It was just that I had to write in the abab cdcd efef gg form. So, I had to conform to that and some of the rhymes are just whack.Oh, ouch. I didn't realize THAT'S what it was.
In that case, now I'm high impressed.
I have little understanding of poetry, although I've been told I write quite well.
RE: Quick Sonnet - NAP - Apr. 03, 2009
Thanks, this is the first time I wrote anything seriously.
RE: Quick Sonnet - Pikachao - Apr. 03, 2009
"white is a lack of color"
Poetic liscence and all that I agree about, and I'm not sure how you were intending it so I'm not bashing your poem. It's just that... white is when ALL the colours of the spectrum are reflected back into your eyes to view. So... really white is not the abscence of colour, I believe black is...
Other than that it reads fine to me.
RE: Quick Sonnet - NAP - Apr. 03, 2009
Thanks.
And you're right. Black is the absence of color, not white.
RE: Quick Sonnet - Roan - Apr. 03, 2009
Ok... I'm pretty serious when it comes to poetry so I apologize in advance if any of what I'm about to say comes across as harsh.
"Whither" is the wrong word to be using in the second line of the first stanza.
dictionary.com Wrote:whith⋅er   [hwith-er, with-] Show IPA
–adverb
1. to what place? where?
2. to what end, point, action, or the like? to what?
I think you meant "wither", unless you were trying to be metaphorical there, in which case it was all but lost on me and probably needs revision anyhow.
"Don’t desire death; prick thorns into my belly" -- Um, what? This feels like a really forced rhyme. It doesn't make any sense and it breaks the rhythm as well.
As Pikachao pointed out already, white is not the lack of color, black is, so that obviously needs to be changed.
"Unscented flower, the nose is not lore" This feels like another forced rhyme -- it still manages to make a little bit of sense, but I get the feeling you were just struggling to find a word that rhymed with color, and even in that case "lore" and "color" aren't rhymes. This could probably be cleaned up a bit for clarity's sake.
"I’ll bring an umbrella in case of rain" I won't lie, I laughed at this. It's so completely unexpected and so nonsensical that I couldn't help myself. I get that you were trying to personify the flower by saying in the previous line that it could lift its roots and walk, but this line here just doesn't work. In an overtly serious piece like this, this line feels silly and contradictory to the tone of the rest of the piece.
Again, sorry if I came across as harsh. I'm just really into poetry and I love writing and critiquing it. This isn't bad by any means, it's actually a pretty good first attempt, it just needs a few polishing touches.
RE: Quick Sonnet - NAP - Apr. 03, 2009
(Apr. 03, 2009 6:53 PM)Roan Wrote: Again, sorry if I came across as harsh. I'm just really into poetry and I love writing and critiquing it. This isn't bad by any means, it's actually a pretty good first attempt, it just needs a few polishing touches.
No no, thank you for your input. I'm still amature-ish and I'm sure I can get better over time. And Thanks again for your criticism.