My first Story! Tree of Shadows (Taking Requests) 1 open slot! - Printable Version +- World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. (https://worldbeyblade.org) +-- Forum: Off-Topic Forums (https://worldbeyblade.org/Forum-Off-Topic-Forums) +--- Forum: Your Creations (https://worldbeyblade.org/Forum-Your-Creations) +--- Thread: My first Story! Tree of Shadows (Taking Requests) 1 open slot! (/Thread-My-first-Story-Tree-of-Shadows-Taking-Requests-1-open-slot) Pages:
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RE: My first Story! Tree of Shadows (Taking Requests) 2 open slots! - TwiztidBlader - Jul. 19, 2011 (Jul. 19, 2011 5:29 PM)Nyan Cat Wrote:(Jul. 18, 2011 4:59 AM)M.Cancer90R2F Wrote: Hey Nyan Cat i need a special move Name other than Grind Ok that will do RE: My first Story! Tree of Shadows (Taking Requests) 2 open slots! - Katsuya - Jul. 19, 2011 Nameatoshi Age:13 Bey: Diamond CerberusBD85LRHF/LXF Bey Type: Attack/Spin Steal (LRHF=Barrage LXF=Assult) Special Move: Triple Fang Crush= The Bey Rushes at the Foe and Hits them with Ice Fangs Blizzard= It circles the opponet of No way getting out and The foe is trapped in a Blizzard, Then Cerberus strikes Like a Rushing Blizzard Lighting Assult= Cerberus multiplies its Head Into 6 Cerberus heads And strikes the opponet Like This(The second one) But on the Ground and finishes it off with all Six heads attacking at once. Personality: Bad but learns to be Good later. "clear-thinking; quick-witted; wise." and Sometimes Quiet. Bey Description: Facebolt looks like Kerbecks But it's blue with a Silver outline. No energy Ring Wheel is painted black, it has 6 Cerberus heads overlapping each other. Track Boost Disk 85, color clear blue Tip left rubber Hole Flat/Left Xtreme Flat. Color is clear Blue Friend of Ryuga, Brother of Damian(guy with Kerbecks) Bit beast looks like this: http://www.twilightvisions.com/dante/images/dmc3/bcerberus.jpg RE: My first Story! Tree of Shadows (Taking Requests) 1 open slot! - TwiztidBlader - Jul. 19, 2011 (Jul. 19, 2011 7:22 PM)Katsuya Wrote: Nameatoshi great thnx hes in RE: My first Story! Tree of Shadows (Taking Requests) 1 open slot! - TwiztidBlader - Jul. 20, 2011 Chapter 4: Xyn "WHO ARE YOU!?!?" Riley yelled. "My name is Xyn, for the second time." Xyn said. Xyn then pulled something out of his pocket. It looked like a little saw blade. "Here is my bey, Phantom Nemesis 100XD." The bey looked a saw blade and was all black. "Now who will be my first victim?" Xyn asked with a demented look. Xyn then looked at Riley. "Okay Xyn, let's blade." Riley said Riley and Xyn got into positions. "Are you ready to experiance true pain?" Xyn asked Riley didn't say a word. 3...2...1........ Before launching their beys, they a short stare off. "LET IT RIP!" They both said Both beys landed in the stadium. Nemesis charged at Aries, clashing with sparks. Riley noticed little bits of metal flying all over the place. "Hmph, your bey is trying to hard." Riley said with a smirk. Xyn just laughed, sadisticly. "NOW NEMESIS, INFERNO OF PAIN!!" Xyn yelled. Suddenly, Nemesis was on fire. "Now I will burn your bey to a crisp." Xyn said Riley could then see ashes flying everywhere as well as bits of metal. "NO STOP IT!!" Riley yelled Xyn just stood there and laughed. "I have to stop this." Andrew said Then Andrew launched Omega at Nemesis. Omega hit Nemesis causing it to fly out the stadium. "What the...you stupid little brat!" Xyn yelled with anger. "I will deal with you three later." Xyn said. Then Xyn left. "Riley, is your Aries alright?" William asked Riley looked at William, then at Aries. "Yeah he's okay." Riley said sadly. "Dont worry, we'll get him sooner or later." Andrew said. Andrew started to think to himself, Xyn. RE: My first Story! Tree of Shadows (Taking Requests) 1 open slot! - Sparta - Jul. 20, 2011 You described 'saw blade' twice... This could use a lot of improvement. For one, I couldn't find a single sentence without dialogue. That is definitely something you need to work on. RE: My first Story! Tree of Shadows (Taking Requests) 1 open slot! - Temporal - Jul. 20, 2011 Not enough description. You can't always use dialogue to describe things. Such as this: "Now, Nemesis! Inferno of Pain!" Xyn yelled, pointing at Aries. Flames shot out of Nemesis, engulfing the area and creating ashed as Nemesis moved. "Now, I shall burn your pathetic bey to ashes." Xyn pointed Aries out to Nemesis, sending it into a furious flurry of attacks, forcing Aries to attempt a pathetic and hasty retreat. The idea of running was quashed, and Nemesis was bashing into Aries repeatedly, sending ashes and burned scrap flying everywhere. "Please, stop! You can't do this!" Riley pleaded with Xyn, but his words meant nothing. Xyn laughed, continuing to destroy Aries. Nearby, Andrew had seen enough. "I've got to put a stop to this!" And so on. Get it? Describe the scene! RE: My first Story! Tree of Shadows (Taking Requests) 1 open slot! - Raigeko13 - Jul. 20, 2011 What Sparta and Megablader9 said It just doesn't have a good feel to the story... RE: My first Story! Tree of Shadows (Taking Requests) 1 open slot! - Fang - Jul. 20, 2011 Nameante Age:11 Bey: Frost Drakkix IC145TR Bey Type: Attack Special Move: Icicle End = The bey covers the floor with ice and then jumps in the air and comes smashing down causing the ice to move in a wave sending the bey flying in the air over the stadium. Extreme Hail Storm = The bey whips up and Snow storm ( the bey is controlling it while inside it) and it shoots out Hail (really big hail) Bey Description: The wheel is Blue and it has Three sections each has a little shoulder pad and it gets smaller down the wheel. The energy wheel is a little more dark blue and it had a circular shape and the end of it, it gets a little higher then the tips curve to make a hook shape. IC ( Ice Claws) Stick out when spinning fast and lower when not so fast. RE: My first Story! Tree of Shadows (Taking Requests) 1 open slot! - AerialSnack - Jul. 20, 2011 I think I shall write a story... Well, it's a good story, it just really lacks description, we know what is going on, but we can't really picture it in our minds... RE: My first Story! Tree of Shadows (Taking Requests) 1 open slot! - TwiztidBlader - Jul. 20, 2011 (Jul. 20, 2011 2:30 AM)Megablader9 Wrote: Not enough description. You can't always use dialogue to describe things. Okay thank you i never really thought it like that (Jul. 20, 2011 2:22 AM)Sparta Wrote: You described 'saw blade' twice... Yes i realize that now (Jul. 20, 2011 2:48 AM)Fang Wrote: Nameante I need a character description like how he acts and stuff RE: My first Story! Tree of Shadows (Taking Requests) 1 open slot! - TwiztidBlader - Jul. 21, 2011 Chapter 5: Satoshi, Friend or Foe As Andrew, William and Riley were walking home, Andrew couldn't help but to think about Xyn. "Andrew, are you awake?" William asked while he was waving his hand in front Andrew's face. "Quit it, I'm just thinking." Andrew said as he hit William's hand out his face. Just then, some one came out of nowhere. He then pulled out, what looked like a Pre-HWS beyblade "I'm Satoshi, let's battle." Satoshi said as he pulled out his launcher and pointed at Andrew. "Fine I'll battle but, I say where we battle." Andrew said as he grabbed Omega and his launcher. "Okay then, so where do we battle?" Satoshi asked as he lookedd sternly at Andrew. Andrew then pointed Bey park. "We'll battle at Bey park, after all that's where I get all of my good wins." Andrew said with a smirk. "Fine, let's go." said Satoshi. They then headed for Bey park without saying a word. When they got there, they saw that everyone was battling in a stadium. "Follow me." Andrew said as he pointed to a tree stump. They made it to the tree stump but, it was huge and hollowed out like a bey stadium. "We'll battle here." Andrew said as he grabbed Omega. "Fine by me." Satoshi replied as he pulled out his bey. "My bey is Dimond Cerberus." Satoshi said. They got their launchers out. "3..2..1..LET IT RIP!!" Both beys landed in the tree stump stadium. "GO CERBERUS ATTACK!" Satoshi said as he pointed at Omega. Cerberus charged at Omega and sent him flying. "I don't think so, OMEGA NEW MOVE, BETA: IMMEDIATE TRANSMISSION!!" Andrew yelled as he pointed at Omega. Omega then vanished out of thin air. "ATTACK NOW!!" Andrew yelled as he pointed at Cerberus. All of a sudden the sky got dark. "NOW CERBERUS, LIGHTNING ASSAULT!!" Satoshi yelled and holding his hands to the sky. Then a giant black three-headed dog appeared. It then multiplied into a six-headed dog and started attacking Omega's bit beast. "Cerberus, finish it." Satoshi said as he pointed at his own bey. Cerberus attacked Omega causing it fly out of the stadium. "Looks like I won this one, hmph." Satoshi said as he walked away. "You okay Andrew?" William asked as he helped him up. "Yeah, I'm okay." Andrew said with a serious look. Then Andrew was thinking about Satoshi and Xyn as well. RE: My first Story! Tree of Shadows (Taking Requests) 1 open slot! - TwiztidBlader - Jul. 28, 2011 For my 7 readers i have decided to stop writing this story. I'm going stop because I don't have enough characters, I don't know where to go with it and I think this was more of a learning experiance. With my new found knowledge I will write a new story which i have alredy written but have not yet posted. I don't know when I will post but, I will post it and I say Good day. |