World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.
bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Printable Version

+- World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc. (https://worldbeyblade.org)
+-- Forum: Off-Topic Forums (https://worldbeyblade.org/Forum-Off-Topic-Forums)
+--- Forum: Your Creations (https://worldbeyblade.org/Forum-Your-Creations)
+--- Thread: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning (/Thread-bey-story-ben-and-nate-the-beginning)



bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - strikerlord - Jul. 08, 2011

this is a story about me and my friend nate.
the first two short chapters have nothing to do with the story, read from chapter 3.
here it is:
criticism & comments would be appreciated!
don't read the first two chapters, they're all a dream, and have nothing to do with beys.


RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Temporal - Jul. 08, 2011

Erm... This isn't very good. I mean, it looks like you put NO effort in. No transitions, bad grammar, the pretense is lazy, the whole concept isn't very good. There are WAY too many references to cursing, and there isn't much of a coherent story. (Not being mean, that's just my opinion. You could fix it, but (Obviously.) it'd take quite a while. There is no quick fix for this one.)


RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - strikerlord - Jul. 08, 2011

(Jul. 08, 2011  1:52 AM)Megablader9 Wrote: Erm... This isn't very good. I mean, it looks like you put NO effort in. No transitions, bad grammar, the pretense is lazy, the whole concept isn't very good. There are WAY too many references to cursing, and there isn't much of a coherent story. (Not being mean, that's just my opinion. You could fix it, but (Obviously.) it'd take quite a while. There is no quick fix for this one.)
come on, i think of that as a flame.
CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.


RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Minho - Jul. 08, 2011

ummm... what he said.


RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Temporal - Jul. 08, 2011

(Jul. 08, 2011  2:25 AM)strikerlord Wrote:
(Jul. 08, 2011  1:52 AM)Megablader9 Wrote: Erm... This isn't very good. I mean, it looks like you put NO effort in. No transitions, bad grammar, the pretense is lazy, the whole concept isn't very good. There are WAY too many references to cursing, and there isn't much of a coherent story. (Not being mean, that's just my opinion. You could fix it, but (Obviously.) it'd take quite a while. There is no quick fix for this one.)
come on, i think of that as a flame.
CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.

It is constructive. I told you EXACTLY where the story was bad. (Plus, I kinda explicitly stated that you could fix it with a little effort.) Really, I just stated what was missing from the story. I mean, if you don't like how someone reacts to a story, then don't write one. I've been told that my books are garbage, and I fixed them. It's not a flame if I tell you what's wrong with it.


RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Minho - Jul. 08, 2011

err can i point out i meant what megablader said...

and your story is pretty bad and needs a lot of work.
and your like 10 and your full swearing... dude im 12 and dont swear!


RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - strikerlord - Jul. 08, 2011

okay, no one likes this bey story, i don;t think or your criticism as constructive, and whatever.
i'm deleting this.


RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - zflare3 - Jul. 08, 2011

.


RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Sparta - Jul. 08, 2011

You know, I've realized something about us as a community. We can be SO MEAN to people, me included! I just get tired of reading stories and critiquing them, so I get frustrated. I'll be nice and give some advice (rhyme!)

1. Descriptions. Every stories gotta have 'em! Make sure you tell us what things look like, otherwise we won't know! USe all senses to describe a scene.

2. Character. In any good story, you'll see that there are characters whose personalities are easily defined. Lazy, mean, corrupted, energetic, sometimes fluctuating! For beginners, it's best to just pick a simple personality and flow with it.


RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - NightWolf7919 - Jul. 08, 2011

You forget, that some people just aren't good. Sometimes its better for people to learn the hard way, as that's the only way they'll learn.


RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Temporal - Jul. 08, 2011

Eh? I don't see how my post was mean. If you are referring to zflare, then yes, that was pretty mean. I honestly don't really like the lack of transitions; it makes the story feel VERY choppy. And yeah, the characters have no development, no feel. They have less emotion than the androids in the first chapter of my book, and that's saying something. There is no description, I agree, and also, you can't describe something readers can't even understand. The plot is unintelligible, making the story that much worse. A chapter is not one paragraph, that's not even an act out of a chapter. This is too short, and has no intelligible plot. (Nor does it make sense in the first place. Normally, a main character is smug about his win, not yelling "Huzzah!" and cramping their foot, thus the falling down a hill part is very silly and odd, which makes for a bad plot.)


RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Sparta - Jul. 08, 2011

(Jul. 08, 2011  11:41 PM)Megablader9 Wrote: They have less emotion than the androids in the first chapter of my book, and that's saying something.

Andromeda, yes? Haha, LOVED THAT ONE XD

Sorry for the off topic-ness.

NightWolf Not necessarily. You weren't beaten up as a baby so you'd learn respect, were you (I really hope not...)?


RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Temporal - Jul. 08, 2011

Hah, I was indeed referencing her. But yes, criticism is indeed an important part. I had to totally revamp Andromeda's character 8 times before I wrote chapter one because she had too much emotion, and Gina three times because she came off as emotionless and stuck-up. So it happens to everyone.


RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - NightWolf7919 - Jul. 08, 2011

Haha, I didn't learn respect until I was beaten, but not as a baby. When you're a baby you automatically respect bigger people


RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Temporal - Jul. 08, 2011

Hah, from videos I saw, I didn't. But that's off-topic. The story just needs to be re-written, everyone's in agreement on this one.


RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Sparta - Jul. 09, 2011

Yup, agreed. That doesn't mean you can't write, it just means you need to improve...