bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - strikerlord - Jul. 08, 2011
this is a story about me and my friend nate.
the first two short chapters have nothing to do with the story, read from chapter 3.
here it is:
ben & nate
the beginning
hi. i am ben, an anti-normal 10-year-old. me and my best friend nate like to rabble-rouse, run, and beyblade. but one day, when we were exploring the woods, something unexpected happened.
chapter 1: the beginning of the beginning
me and nate were exploring the woods in the back of his house. we seemed lost.
"ben, where are we?" "nate, we seem lost. let's check the sun. it always sets in front of your house" "yeah. good idea." we looked. we couldn't see a thing. the sun had set.
we had a problem. it was dark, and nate wants to go home! i pulled out my emergency backpack, and dumped out a flashlight, a lantern, batteries, a dart gun, some fruit gels, and a bug guide. suddenly, the air got cold, and it got dark! "i want my mom" said nate, worried. i lit the lantern, gave nate the flashlight, and shook the backpack again, revealing a blanket. i threw a pack of fruit gels to nate. he said he was too worried too eat. i sat down beside him and started to cry. i wanted my mom, too. i got the blanket and spread it around us. suddenly, we heard a noise. then we saw a light.
chapter 2: rescue
me and nate shivered in fear, then heard a familiar voice say "ben? nate? where are you?" it was emily, my ex-best friend! she said "i'm lost, too" she shook out her backpack, revealing a compass, pens, paper, and a survival guide. i took the paper and a pen, and drew an ant. emily grabbed it and said "ben! you shouldn't be doodling!" i knew. i was doodling trail markers. i said that every time we saw a clearing, we would put one up. she nodded her head. we put the marker on a tree and used fruit gel to stick it on. i opened the guide. "here, it says that if lost, we should use the compass" i held it up. emily said that she came from the north. we followed the south, and ended up at the house. we were saved!
chapter 3: a dream
inside, we ran up to our moms and hugged each other so hard that our spines almost formed a C. then, i heard a noise. "ben? ben? BEN???" i woke up with nate about to pour water down my nose. turns out being lost was just a dream! "ben, emily's missing! grab your beyblade and come on!!" i ran and grabbed evil gemios, my beyblade, and ran to emily's room. she wasn't anywhere. i started throwing things off emily's bed and found a note. it said "ben and nate, if you want emily back, come to the lake at noon tomorrow. you cannot trace me. you cannot find me." i said "no big deal. i just bring gemios, and beat the **** outta that guy! nate said "not so easy. look at the handwriting." turns out it was ryuga, my nemesis! i gasped. he's kidnapped emily! "oh ****! it was ryuga! i can't beat that guy!" "calm down. you need to relax." "relax? RELAX??? MY GIRLFRIEND AND YOUR SISTER IS KIDNAPPED BY THE BEST BLADER EVER!!!" i screamed. nate tried to calm me down with some fruit gels, but i threw them across the room. nate sighed and pulled out dark bull, his beyblade. he polished it while i loaded my guns. ryuga was gonna be **** hard to kill, so i't better have LOTS of bullets for the occasion.
chapter 4: the 1st battle
tomorrow, me and nate went to the big old dried-up lake near our house. it's made out of a big old rock that was all smoothed out from all the beyblade battles we had in it. it was about 100 feet around. nate's watch struck noon, and a dark nebula helicopter arrived. ryuga jumped out and said "you want a battle? you got it." 2 dark nebula goons came out of another helicopter, and pulled emily out. she was tied up a bit on the tight side, and had tape over her mouth. i said " you'll never get away with this!" and readied gemios. ryuga readied L-drago. i fingered one of the guns strapped to my belt, and launched gemios.
chapter 5: the battle
battle day. both ryuga and i launched our beyblades. gemios spun fast and hard, but L-drago's left spin was twice as agressive. i gripped my gun and fired. but it went right through ryuga! "well, well. don't you remember our last battle?" then i remembered. in the last battle, ryuga became a phantom! turns out, i had killed him last time! i thought quick. then decided. "gemios ultra double strike attack!" gemios bounced up into the sky, then came shooting straight down at L-drago. as gemios hit L-drago, i remembered. L-drago shot gemios away! **** that left spin! suddenly, i heard a voice. "ben! ben!" it was anna, my other ex-best friend! she said "this will help!" as she launched aquario, her beyblade. the tip could change from an HF to an S tip. they both repeatedly hit L-drago, but to no avail. nate launched bull in to help. suddenly, i saw saggitario and leone, emily and kyoya, a friend,'s beyblades come into the stadium! i looked over, and i saw that one of the goons was knocked out, and the rope was cut. turns out that kyoya was posing as a goon! emily ran over and joined us. then, i had an idea if leone's lion gale force wall can make a tornado, and saggitario's flame claw, and gemios ultra double strike attack, and bull's bull red horn uppercut, and aquario's aquario infinite assault, then maybe we could launch the beys like missiles. we set the plan up. "lion gale force wall!" "saggitario flame claw!" "gemios ultra double strike attack!" "bull upper!" "aquario infinite assault!" the beys launched out of the tornado and struck L-drago. it worked! L-drago stopped spinning. we won! but then we realized that ryuga had collapsed! "come on. we have to get him to the house." i said. then, later, he finally woke up. "ugh. where am i?" "in my house." he sat up. "here. i fixed L-drago." emily came into the room. she had L-drago in her hand. she handed it to ryuga. "thanks." he said, faintly smiling." i don't know what happened back there." "you fainted. i was battling, then you just collapsed." then, anna came in, holding a tray of cookies. "i want you to have these." she said. ryuga started eating. then, anna broke the silence by saying "you're kinda cute, for a dangerous phantom." ryuga spit clear across the room. "are you saying that the leader of dark nebula is CUTE? a battle. tomorrow at one." bring ben." then ran away. then kyoya came in. i asked what happened at the battle. "simple. first, i ran into dark nebula's base. then hacked the computers so i would be at the battle, then stole a uniform. then i just cut the rope." see, ben? not so helpless anymore, huh?" "yup. kyoya, i promote you to 2nd 2nd assistant beybattler!"
chapter 6: the 2nd battle
the next day, anna and ryuga gathered at the big ol' hill. the "hill" was actually a concrete slab that sunk into the ground, making it slanted. ryuga said, "this will be a speed battle. our beys will race down the hill." i chipped in. "as long as we can race too." me, nate, emily, and kyoya came out from behind a crate. we held gemios, bull,saggitario, and leone in our hands. "okay." ryuga said. we all readied our beys. 3! 2! 1! LET IT RIP! our beys sped down the platform.
chapter 7: the race
our beys zoomed down the hill, jumping over stones and other beys. suddenly, a dark green bey shot out of the darkness. i looked over to where it was shot from, and saw an old friend, campbell chaplin. he said "nice bey, ben. it'll be good prey for poison serpent!" i replied, "cam. we've been friends a long time, but this!? i take this as a way to tell me we're enemies! we shall fight our beys to the death!" cam laughed and shouted "dark move! serpent twisted power finisher attack!!!" serpent sped forward, knocking out every bey except gemios. serpent circled gemios, attacking from all sides. i shouted "BLADER SPIRIT! GEMIOS SUPREME FINAL BLOW SMASH ATTACK! serpent was knocked clear out of the stadium. i jumped and shouted "HUZZAH FOR GEMIOS!" then had a foot cramp and fell down the hill, knocking me unconscious. when i woke up, nate told me i sang russian to him, and puked gallons. i replied "WHAT?!?!? YOU ARE KIDDING ME?!?" he said he wasn't. i was scarred for life. nate said he had it on tape. "ugh" i said. "at least gemios is okay." "yeah, slight problem about that." he handed me gemios, which looked like an unrecognizable clump. i shouted, "NOOOOOO! and started crying. then emily came in, holding a bey. "i was feeling bad about you losing gemios, so i got you this new bey" i looked at it, and heard a voice. "ben, i am gravity perseus. i am your new bey." emily said, "i imported it all the way from japan. it's said to be the best bey of them all." i said "thanks, em." then i heard a scream.
chapter 8: the confrontation
i ran out to the hall, and saw emily was tied up. i suddenly looked around and saw doji, the leader of dark nebula. he said "ben. i have planned this for a long time. a stadium shot out of the floor. he held up a launcher and said "ben, i have waited for this." cam leaped out from a hole in the ceiling. "what?! i said. "doji planned that battle between cam and me?! ****!"
i ran toward doji, and tried to punch him. but he disappeared! i saw him flicker, then realized he was a hologram! i saw emily was gone too! the hologram said, "meet me at dark nebula base at midnight tonight. i wittily responded, "but that's yesterday!" he growled, then disappeared again. i untied emily, waited until midnight, and went up to dark nebula base.
chapter 9: clever, doji's traps are...
at dark nebula base, doji thought up some clever traps for us. first, a trapdoor dropped all of us into a pit, where two walls loaded with spikes shot out at us. nate frantically jumped for the hatch, but failed. that gave me an idea. i started stomping. i heard a thoonk noise from one of the tiles, and punched it. success! the floor collapsed, freeing us! then we realized we were in a giant arena surrounded by bladers! i thought quick. we had one bey of each type, and the bladers were color-coded. i said, "i'll take the red-shirted attack-types! anna,you take the yellow stamina types with the HF bottom! nate, take the green defense types! emily, take the blue balance types!" success! we were free! we ran into a room with a table with a festive dinner on it! nate ran for it, and ate an entire ham! i stopped emily and anna. in the next room, nate threw up. over the intercom, i heard "nate got food poisoning. one down, three to go." nate stayed in that room, and in the next room was an emily paradise. squinkies, icarly DVDs, a makeup station, a huge TV, and pizza. emily and anna easily surrendered. over the intercom, i heard "three down, one to go." i went into the next room, and saw tetsuya watarigani, a HILARIOUS rival. "crabby-crab-crab," he said. "i want a battle. you must battle me crabby crab" a stadium rose out of the floor. he held up dark gasher, his bey, and said "you cannot defeat me crab" i responded, "i accept your challenge." i launched perseus. perseus zoomed around the stadium, smashing dark gasher. i easily ran gasher out onto the floor, defeating tetsuya. he said "how could you do this to gasher crabby-crab?" i chuckled, and walked into the next room. there, i saw hyoma and rock aries. the stadium-out-of-the-floor contraption jammed, and over the intercom, i heard "ah man... this thing jams every third battle. just use the floor." "all right." we launched our beys. perseus repeatedly hit aries from under, but to no avail. "hah." hyoma said. "rock aries has an eternal defense 145 spin track. it blocks all upper. your attempts are useless." i thought quick, then started attacking aries from the top. aries was forced down, and lost. i advanced to the next room. then i saw a thousand bladers, all with beys ready. "ben, you stood up to the battle of the hundred. now, face the BATTLE OF THE THOUSAND!!!" "easy." well then, here!" the walls opened up, revealing 99,000 bladers, with blades ready. "the hundred thousand battle!" "pfft." "well, well. getting confident, are we? good, then. commence the BATTLE OF THE BILLION!" "ulp." i launched perseus. POW! POW! POW! defeated beys rained from the ceiling. soon, all the bladers were at my feet. i said "if you want to live, come with me, and defeat doji" "yes! we have been tortured! stand up to doji, and destroy him! HUZZAH!" me, and a blader army one billion strong, confidently walked into the final room, where doji stood, dark wolf ready. we all launched our beys. they all closed in on dark wolf for a shocking force smash! wolf jumped, and a billion beys smashed into each other, defeating themselves. it was doji and me. both our beys stopped at the same time. then , suddenly, doji pulled a gun, and pointed it at me! i pulled a gun, and fired. doji was hit, but he stood strong, and fired at me! i was down, but not out! i fired one last shot, and it hit! doji was dead! i stood up, and smiled. "he's down forever." then, nate, anna, and emily ran in! they saw the billion dead bladers, and doji, lying on the floor, and congratulated me! then, doji started breathing, and emily rushed over. emily got out a first-aid kit, and started tending to doji's wounds. then, doji said "thank you. i am free."
the end...OR IS IT?
criticism & comments would be appreciated!
don't read the first two chapters, they're all a dream, and have nothing to do with beys.
RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Temporal - Jul. 08, 2011
Erm... This isn't very good. I mean, it looks like you put NO effort in. No transitions, bad grammar, the pretense is lazy, the whole concept isn't very good. There are WAY too many references to cursing, and there isn't much of a coherent story. (Not being mean, that's just my opinion. You could fix it, but (Obviously.) it'd take quite a while. There is no quick fix for this one.)
RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - strikerlord - Jul. 08, 2011
(Jul. 08, 2011 1:52 AM)Megablader9 Wrote: Erm... This isn't very good. I mean, it looks like you put NO effort in. No transitions, bad grammar, the pretense is lazy, the whole concept isn't very good. There are WAY too many references to cursing, and there isn't much of a coherent story. (Not being mean, that's just my opinion. You could fix it, but (Obviously.) it'd take quite a while. There is no quick fix for this one.) come on, i think of that as a flame.
CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.
RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Minho - Jul. 08, 2011
ummm... what he said.
RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Temporal - Jul. 08, 2011
(Jul. 08, 2011 2:25 AM)strikerlord Wrote: (Jul. 08, 2011 1:52 AM)Megablader9 Wrote: Erm... This isn't very good. I mean, it looks like you put NO effort in. No transitions, bad grammar, the pretense is lazy, the whole concept isn't very good. There are WAY too many references to cursing, and there isn't much of a coherent story. (Not being mean, that's just my opinion. You could fix it, but (Obviously.) it'd take quite a while. There is no quick fix for this one.) come on, i think of that as a flame.
CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.
It is constructive. I told you EXACTLY where the story was bad. (Plus, I kinda explicitly stated that you could fix it with a little effort.) Really, I just stated what was missing from the story. I mean, if you don't like how someone reacts to a story, then don't write one. I've been told that my books are garbage, and I fixed them. It's not a flame if I tell you what's wrong with it.
RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Minho - Jul. 08, 2011
err can i point out i meant what megablader said...
and your story is pretty bad and needs a lot of work.
and your like 10 and your full swearing... dude im 12 and dont swear!
RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - strikerlord - Jul. 08, 2011
okay, no one likes this bey story, i don;t think or your criticism as constructive, and whatever.
i'm deleting this.
RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - zflare3 - Jul. 08, 2011
.
RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Sparta - Jul. 08, 2011
You know, I've realized something about us as a community. We can be SO MEAN to people, me included! I just get tired of reading stories and critiquing them, so I get frustrated. I'll be nice and give some advice (rhyme!)
1. Descriptions. Every stories gotta have 'em! Make sure you tell us what things look like, otherwise we won't know! USe all senses to describe a scene.
2. Character. In any good story, you'll see that there are characters whose personalities are easily defined. Lazy, mean, corrupted, energetic, sometimes fluctuating! For beginners, it's best to just pick a simple personality and flow with it.
RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - NightWolf7919 - Jul. 08, 2011
You forget, that some people just aren't good. Sometimes its better for people to learn the hard way, as that's the only way they'll learn.
RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Temporal - Jul. 08, 2011
Eh? I don't see how my post was mean. If you are referring to zflare, then yes, that was pretty mean. I honestly don't really like the lack of transitions; it makes the story feel VERY choppy. And yeah, the characters have no development, no feel. They have less emotion than the androids in the first chapter of my book, and that's saying something. There is no description, I agree, and also, you can't describe something readers can't even understand. The plot is unintelligible, making the story that much worse. A chapter is not one paragraph, that's not even an act out of a chapter. This is too short, and has no intelligible plot. (Nor does it make sense in the first place. Normally, a main character is smug about his win, not yelling "Huzzah!" and cramping their foot, thus the falling down a hill part is very silly and odd, which makes for a bad plot.)
RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Sparta - Jul. 08, 2011
(Jul. 08, 2011 11:41 PM)Megablader9 Wrote: They have less emotion than the androids in the first chapter of my book, and that's saying something.
Andromeda, yes? Haha, LOVED THAT ONE XD
Sorry for the off topic-ness.
NightWolf Not necessarily. You weren't beaten up as a baby so you'd learn respect, were you (I really hope not...)?
RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Temporal - Jul. 08, 2011
Hah, I was indeed referencing her. But yes, criticism is indeed an important part. I had to totally revamp Andromeda's character 8 times before I wrote chapter one because she had too much emotion, and Gina three times because she came off as emotionless and stuck-up. So it happens to everyone.
RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - NightWolf7919 - Jul. 08, 2011
Haha, I didn't learn respect until I was beaten, but not as a baby. When you're a baby you automatically respect bigger people
RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Temporal - Jul. 08, 2011
Hah, from videos I saw, I didn't. But that's off-topic. The story just needs to be re-written, everyone's in agreement on this one.
RE: bey story: ben and nate: the beginning - Sparta - Jul. 09, 2011
Yup, agreed. That doesn't mean you can't write, it just means you need to improve...
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