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beystory : the misused one ( accepting characters) - Xlr8 - May. 30, 2011
Hello, friends this is my first bey-story i have only watched the first season of bmf so please don't ask anything from me that how this or that happened and it's a story i m continuing that what happened after ginga defeted rayuga or the end of the of the bmf season 1 .
This story is about a boy named Jonathan who lived nearby the beyvillage where ginga lived and started blading after seeing ginga defeating rayuga and his performance in battlebladers .
Provologue
It was a normal day but with a strange twist . I decided to go on a adventure to fulfill my dream to defeat the one whom i respected the most and going to do so no matter what but i m sure is i will gonna give my best .In this journey i will gonna fight my best beybattles.
chapter 1 : the beginning (part-1)
Jonathan was packing his bag and was gathering all the material he needed for his journey, as he stepped out of his house he suddenly went back into his house and took his bey vortex Pegasus 100 rf and his bey-launcher and grip .He said ha how foolish I am .I might just have left my bey here, the most important thing using which I want to accomplish my dream anyways now I must head straight to the city from where ginga started his journey. While walking Jonathan thought, what will be the next thing which I must do when I reach the city .I must search for some worthy opponents to battle with or I must search for the children whom ginga have fought but one thing I must take care of is to search for the places where ginga had gone after reaching the city so that I can get to know how he became so much powerful blader.
Chapter 2 : the beginning (part-2)
As Jonathan enters the city he tries to meet some good bladders and he notices some children doing bey-battles so he goes there to do some bey-battles. As the battle follows Jonathan does his beys special move vortex thunder strike and knock out all of the opponents and their beys. As the children notices his bey they ask him why his bey has Pegasus energy ring on it and he tells them his reason to be there in the city and his intension to defeat ginga. Children then told him whatever they knew about ginga and also that he was the one who destroyed the dark nebula organization. So, Jonathan went to the ruins of the dark nebula. He saw that the place was sealed and no one seems to be nearby. By seeing this Jonathan enters the ruins of dark nebula to know that what happened there
Chapter 3: The Dark side
Jonathan started going as deep as he could in the ruins and reaches the hall where Doji and Phoenix battled. Jonathan feels that he is not alone and shouts “Is there anyone here. If so just show up†and after some time Jonathan launches his bey and smashes all the places where he felt that there is some one but nobody seemed to be there. As Pegasus came to rest (stopped moving not rotating) it suddenly started attacking at a wall and made a path through it and started going deep into the path. Jonathan tries to stop Vortex Pegasus but all his steps gone in vain. So, he followed his bey and when his bey got back into his hands he looked around the place where his bey let him and the place looked like a laboratory and he saw that there is a chamber (recreational chamber) there. Jonathan tries to figure what the chamber does. He then pressed a button on the chamber and a bey holder (a mould to keep a bey) came out. Jonathan kept Vortex Pegasus into that bey holder and pressed that button again. After some time the bey holder came out and Jonathan took up his bey and a sound came from the chamber “Bey recreated to Flash Pegasus 85 xf†after hearing the sound Jonathan said “Wow! My bey is looking super cool, now let’s try itâ€. Jonathan launched his new bey and do his bey’s new special move flashing thunder strike. Jonathan was amazed by seeing his new bey’s power. Suddenly his bey starts to go in another direction instead of coming back into his hands. Jonathan follows his bey again and as his bey comes back to his hands he notices Doji in front of him sitting on a machine.
RE: beystory : the misused one - Synth - May. 30, 2011
Its a good story. Your grammar needs a bit fixing, too.
Bit short,but over all good effort
RE: beystory : the misused one - Xlr8 - May. 31, 2011
here is the first chapter of my story friends
chapter 1 : the beginning (part-1)
Jonathan was packing his bag and was gathering all the material he needed for his journey, as he stepped out of his house he suddenly went back into his house and took his bey vortex Pegasus 100 f and his bey-launcher and grip .He said ha how foolish I am .I might just have left my bey here ,the most important thing using which I want to accomplish my dream anyways now I must head straight to the city from where ginga started his journey. While walking Jonathan thought, what will be the next thing which I must do when I reach the city .I must search for some worthy opponents to battle with or I must search for the children whom ginga have fought but one thing I must take care of is to search for the places where ginga had gone after reaching the city so that I can get to know how he became so much powerful blader .
RE: beystory : the misused one - Xlr8 - Jun. 08, 2011
well i see that im not getting much replies but still i will continue to write my beystory and for info i will release the next chapter tomorrow
RE: beystory : the misused one - Xlr8 - Jun. 09, 2011
well here i go with chapter to hope many people read it .
Chapter 2 : the beginning (part-2)
As Jonathan enters the city he tries to meet some good bladders and he notices some children doing bey-battles so he goes there to do some bey-battles. As the battle follows Jonathan does his beys special move vortex thunder strike and knock out all of the opponents and their beys. As the children notices his bey they ask him why his bey has Pegasus energy ring on it and he tells them his reason to be there in the city and his intension to defeat ginga. Children then told him whatever they knew about ginga and also that he was the one who destroyed the dark nebula organization. So, Jonathan went to the ruins of the dark nebula. He saw that the place was sealed and no one seems to be nearby. By seeing this Jonathan enters the ruins of dark nebula to know that what happened there
RE: beystory : the misused one - Justaway - Jun. 09, 2011
Your story is good but your grammar needs a lot of fixing..so do your spellings..write the story in MS word first and then paste it on this thread to make a new chapter..the main idea of the story is good though..it looks like Masamune's story before he meets Ginga(although it was never shown..this story seems to be exactly like what Masamune must have done).
RE: beystory : the misused one - Xlr8 - Jun. 09, 2011
(Jun. 09, 2011 1:19 PM)SAMKUL95 Wrote: Your story is good but your grammar needs a lot of fixing..so do your spellings..write the story in MS word first and then paste it on this thread to make a new chapter..the main idea of the story is good though..it looks like Masamune's story before he meets Ginga(although it was never shown..this story seems to be exactly like what Masamune must have done).
dude i have pated it from Microsoft ms only and how u knew what was masamune's story because metal masters English dubbed episodes r not yet released
RE: beystory : the misused one - Justaway - Jun. 09, 2011
That's what..I am saying..I know it isnt Masamune's story..I have seen the Japanese episodes...but it seems like Masamune's..I mean..just imagine..it is just like what Masamune might have gone thru in the anime in order to battle Gingka and defeat him..isn't it?..Isn't that the idea of ur story as well?
RE: beystory : the misused one - Xlr8 - Jun. 09, 2011
(Jun. 09, 2011 1:27 PM)SAMKUL95 Wrote: That's what..I am saying..I know it isnt Masamune's story..I have seen the Japanese episodes...but it seems like Masamune's..I mean..just imagine..it is just like what Masamune might have gone thru in the anime in order to battle Gingka and defeat him..isn't it?..Isn't that the idea of ur story as well?
well ur correct but here Jonathan (the main character) is been used by a person u will going to know about that in further chapters dude and seriously i didn't knew about masamune's story
RE: beystory : the misused one - Justaway - Jun. 09, 2011
Hey...I say it again..this isn't Masamune's story..in the anime he directly battled Ginga..I am saying that this seems to be like the background of what 'might' have happened before he confronted Ginga..anyways..I hope u put up more chapters this week
RE: beystory : the misused one - Janstarblast - Jun. 09, 2011
Well, nice story overall! I've got the same problems as the other users who commented here. The idea, is good though. Do well!
RE: beystory : the misused one - Xlr8 - Jun. 09, 2011
(Jun. 09, 2011 2:34 PM)Janstarblast Wrote: Well, nice story overall! I've got the same problems as the other users who commented here. The idea, is good though. Do well!
thanks buddy if u want me to notify uwhen the next chaptercomes by pm just tell
RE: beystory : the misused one - NoodooSoup - Jun. 09, 2011
(Jun. 09, 2011 1:24 PM)bladeruler Wrote: dude i have pated it from Microsoft ms only and how u knew what was masamune's story because metal masters English dubbed episodes r not yet released
Really? You didn't see a bunch of red and green underlines everywhere?
RE: beystory : the misused one - Black♧Jack - Jun. 09, 2011
this story is ok and i see where your going plus i have the same probs in my story's and just a tip to a quick revision before post because occasionally you put a space and then a period like "i nuked my pizza bites but when i pulled them out they were frozen ." so just do a quick edit and revision before hand and if you miss something its ok every one dose and i like the idea plus if you want help pm other writers to see if they will help out i will im kinda got writers block for my story but i will help even though im just an amateur
RE: beystory : the misused one - Xlr8 - Jun. 10, 2011
(Jun. 09, 2011 8:06 PM)NoodooSoup Wrote:(Jun. 09, 2011 1:24 PM)bladeruler Wrote: dude i have pated it from Microsoft ms only and how u knew what was masamune's story because metal masters English dubbed episodes r not yet released
Really? You didn't see a bunch of red and green underlines everywhere?
no there were no such tings just paste it in microsoft word and u will see it only highlited these words
ginga, beyblader , beybading ,beyblade and rf tip
(Jun. 09, 2011 10:01 PM)bladerJAKS Wrote: this story is ok and i see where your going plus i have the same probs in my story's and just a tip to a quick revision before post because occasionally you put a space and then a period like "i nuked my pizza bites but when i pulled them out they were frozen ." so just do a quick edit and revision before hand and if you miss something its ok every one dose and i like the idea plus if you want help pm other writers to see if they will help out i will im kinda got writers block for my story but i will help even though im just an amateur
thanks budddy but i like to do this myself
RE: beystory : the misused one - NoodooSoup - Jun. 10, 2011
(Jun. 09, 2011 12:54 PM)bladeruler Wrote: well here i go with chapter to hope many people read it .
Chapter 2 : the beginning (part-2)
As Jonathan enters the city he tries to meet some good bladders and he notices some children doing bey-battles so he goes there to do some bey-battles. As the battle follows Jonathan does his beys special move vortex thunder strike and knock out all of the opponents and their beys. As the children notices his bey they ask him why his bey has Pegasus energy ring on it and he tells them his reason to be there in the city and his intension to defeat ginga. Children then told him whatever they knew about ginga and also that he was the one who destroyed the dark nebula organization. So, Jonathan went to the ruins of the dark nebula. He saw that the place was sealed and no one seems to be nearby. By seeing this Jonathan enters the ruins of dark nebula to know that what happened there
Everything in bold is a mistake.
In order of mistakes:
-blader
-bey's
-knocks
-intention/intent
-Ginga
-Ginga
-Dark Nebula
-Dark Nebula
-there.
By the way, is English your first or primary language?
RE: beystory : the misused one - Xlr8 - Jun. 10, 2011
(Jun. 10, 2011 12:51 AM)NoodooSoup Wrote:(Jun. 09, 2011 12:54 PM)bladeruler Wrote: well here i go with chapter to hope many people read it .
Chapter 2 : the beginning (part-2)
As Jonathan enters the city he tries to meet some good bladders and he notices some children doing bey-battles so he goes there to do some bey-battles. As the battle follows Jonathan does his beys special move vortex thunder strike and knock out all of the opponents and their beys. As the children notices his bey they ask him why his bey has Pegasus energy ring on it and he tells them his reason to be there in the city and his intension to defeat ginga. Children then told him whatever they knew about ginga and also that he was the one who destroyed the dark nebula organization. So, Jonathan went to the ruins of the dark nebula. He saw that the place was sealed and no one seems to be nearby. By seeing this Jonathan enters the ruins of dark nebula to know that what happened there
Everything in bold is a mistake.
In order of mistakes:
-blader
-bey's
-knocks
-intention/intent
-Ginga
-Ginga
-Dark Nebula
-Dark Nebula
-there.
By the way, is English your first or primary language?
well dude those r minor errors and English is my primary language and my first language is hindi as i was born in india i adopted hindi because it's our national language
RE: beystory : the misused one - NoodooSoup - Jun. 10, 2011
(Jun. 10, 2011 12:57 AM)xlr8 Wrote: well dude those r minor errors and English is my primary language and my first language is hindi as i was born in india i adopted hindi because it's our national language
So you won't change them just because they're minor? A good story should have no errors, not some minor errors. Errors are errors.
RE: beystory : the misused one - Xlr8 - Jun. 10, 2011
(Jun. 10, 2011 1:01 AM)NoodooSoup Wrote:(Jun. 10, 2011 12:57 AM)xlr8 Wrote: well dude those r minor errors and English is my primary language and my first language is hindi as i was born in india i adopted hindi because it's our national language
So you won't change them just because they're minor? A good story should have no errors, not some minor errors. Errors are errors.
ok dude in my further chapters i will try my best so that it have less erors
RE: beystory : the misused one - Shahmir9 - Jun. 10, 2011
Well done with the story. Dont worry, the more you write the more better your story becomes.
RE: beystory : the misused one - Xlr8 - Jun. 10, 2011
(Jun. 10, 2011 3:53 AM)Shahmir9 Wrote: Well done with the story. Dont worry, the more you write the more better your story becomes.
thanks 4 advice and complement dude
RE: beystory : the misused one - Xlr8 - Jun. 10, 2011
here is the third chapter of my story
Chapter 3: The Dark side
Jonathan started going as deep as he could in the ruins and reaches the hall where Doji and Phoenix battled. Jonathan feels that he is not alone and shouts “Is there anyone here. If so just show up†and after some time Jonathan launches his bey and smashes all the places where he felt that there is some one but nobody seemed to be there. As Pegasus came to rest (stopped moving not rotating) it suddenly started attacking at a wall and made a path through it and started going deep into the path. Jonathan tries to stop Vortex Pegasus but all his steps gone in vain. So, he followed his bey and when his bey got back into his hands he looked around the place where his bey let him and the place looked like a laboratory and he saw that there is a chamber (recreational chamber) there. Jonathan tries to figure what the chamber does. He then pressed a button on the chamber and a bey holder (a mould to keep a bey) came out. Jonathan kept Vortex Pegasus into that bey holder and pressed that button again. After some time the bey holder came out and Jonathan took up his bey and a sound came from the chamber “Bey recreated to Flash Pegasus 85 xf†after hearing the sound Jonathan said “Wow! My bey is looking super cool, now let’s try itâ€. Jonathan launched his new bey and do his bey’s new special move flashing thunder strike. Jonathan was amazed by seeing his new bey’s power. Suddenly his bey starts to go in another direction instead of coming back into his hands. Jonathan follows his bey again and as his bey comes back to his hands he notices Doji in front of him sitting on a machine.
RE: beystory : the misused one - S.D.C - Jun. 10, 2011
Good story, but you could possibly put more detail into it, for instance, when he found the machine you could have said something like this:
'As Pegasis leapt into his open hand, Jonathan lifted his head looked around to the place that his bey had lead him. It seemed to be a kind of labratory, white lab coats hung on a hanger next to him, and the walls were covered in some sort of metallic material. In the far corner there sat a large machine with various pipes and dashboards covering its surface. Jonathan walked up to the machine and inspected it, on the biggest dashboard there was a red button seated next to a screen. Jonathan, being the curious person he is, pressed the button and a beyclip-type holder opened from the side of the machine. The screen came into life with a loud 'beep' and words started to scroll across it in a constant stream. Three words continuously came up over and over again, 'Bey Recreation Chamber'.'
I'll stop there, and sorry if I sound like I am re-writing your story, but you could put a bit more detail into the places and more depth to the story.
RE: beystory : the misused one - Justaway - Jun. 10, 2011
Nice one..the spelling errors have vanished in this chapter but the grammar mistakes continue..u are continuously switching from present to past tense...for writing stories..it is better if u use the past tense only.
RE: beystory : the misused one - Janstarblast - Jun. 10, 2011
Well done, dude! This time you have improved big time!