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+--- Thread: The Holy (/Thread-The-Holy)
The Holy - Roan - May. 28, 2011
Just another poem, don't mind me.
The Holy
It's dawn; daylight leaks in through the drawn drapes,
And as you wrap your arm around my whittled waist
I pretend to be sleeping, prisoner to dreamscapes,
To prevent your pending departure from haste.
Yet still you place your soft lips upon my face,
Killing my will as my coma comes to close;
Soon this moment will cease; simply be erased,
Replaced by the hark of holiness and haloes.
We'll sit silently, holding hands in the pews
While His words wash away a week's worth of sin;
But when you lean in and whisper "I love you"
I can feel the breath of God against my skin.
I never considered I could so wholly
Be consumed by love; something so holy.
RE: The Holy - Robsta - May. 28, 2011
Well constructed although I find some parts don't flow due to the fact you are trying to rhyme a little too hard. Other than that it''s a really beautiful poem and a lot better than most non-famous poetry I've read.
RE: The Holy - Roan - May. 28, 2011
(May. 28, 2011 7:28 AM)Robsta Wrote: Well constructed although I find some parts don't flow due to the fact you are trying to rhyme a little too hard.
Which parts specifically do you mean?
RE: The Holy - Robsta - May. 29, 2011
(May. 28, 2011 5:48 PM)Roan Wrote:(May. 28, 2011 7:28 AM)Robsta Wrote: Well constructed although I find some parts don't flow due to the fact you are trying to rhyme a little too hard.
Which parts specifically do you mean?
Drapes
waist
Dreamscapes
I don't like the use of the word "Dreamscapes" personally, seems a bit much.
RE: The Holy - Roan - Jun. 01, 2011
Don't you think that's being a bit, well... Nitpicky? Also, "seems a bit much" isn't much of a justification or explanation.
RE: The Holy - Xlr8 - Jun. 01, 2011
well i don't know much about poems but i loved
RE: The Holy - Sparta - Jun. 02, 2011
I like your style of poetry, Roan. As opposed to a very dark and scary poem about hatred, war and sadness, you write about love and happiness. I like that, it makes you seem like a better, less selfish person.
That's just me. In any case, it was a lovely poem, and I loved the reference to...church? Yes, this poem was about how you feel to be there. I also liked the alliteration of dawn to drapes, whittled to waist, coma to comes, etc., etc. Maybe the only suggestion would be to add different themes to your poem, figurative language, like oxymorons (two things that contradict each other: clean mud, visible darkness...I assume you already know that, though
) and concentrate less on a rhyme scheme.EDIT: On a personal note, you being such a fantastic poet, I'd like to see you try to take on a sestina the next time you wander across a great idea.
RE: The Holy - Sasukia - Jun. 02, 2011
Once again you have out done yourself! Well what inspired you to right this?
Note: You should be a poet, Or a story writer!
RE: The Holy - Roan - Jun. 02, 2011
(Jun. 02, 2011 1:41 AM)Sparta Wrote: I like your style of poetry, Roan. As opposed to a very dark and scary poem about hatred, war and sadness, you write about love and happiness. I like that, it makes you seem like a better, less selfish person.
That's an interesting interpretation, if nothing else. To be fair though, I have written a lot of poetry that isn't happy... haha
Sparta Wrote:That's just me. In any case, it was a lovely poem, and I loved the reference to...church? Yes, this poem was about how you feel to be there.
Sasukia Wrote:Once again you have out done yourself! Well what inspired you to right this?
While I am referencing church and how it feels to be there, there's more to the piece than just that. It was inspired by and is an expression of how I feel on Sunday mornings when my boyfriend has come for a visit (we're in a long-distance relationship), knowing that he has to leave after Church, yet still thoroughly enjoying and sort of reverencing the time we get to spend together there.
Sparta Wrote:I also liked the alliteration of dawn to drapes, whittled to waist, coma to comes, etc., etc. Maybe the only suggestion would be to add different themes to your poem, figurative language, like oxymorons (two things that contradict each other: clean mud, visible darkness...I assume you already know that, though
EDIT: On a personal note, you being such a fantastic poet, I'd like to see you try to take on a sestina the next time you wander across a great idea.
The alliteration was something I really tried to focus on in this piece, because I wanted to give it a sort of driving, almost frantic rhythm to better express the "ticking of the clock" and how my time with him is so short. I probably could have used some other figurative language, but I think it might have detracted from the overall effect if I had.
As for the sestina, I actually had never heard of that form until you mentioned it. I looked it up and I couldn't make any sense out of how it's supposed to work, but I was interested in trying to write one. I don't have much free time to write at the moment, but I do plan on attempting one at some point in the future.
Sasukia Wrote:Note: You should be a poet, Or a story writer!
That's my ultimate career goal, but unfortunately in this economic climate no one wants to pay people to write pretty words, lol.
RE: The Holy - Deikailo - Jun. 02, 2011
(May. 29, 2011 8:49 AM)Robsta Wrote:Dreamscapes actually works very well for this piece if you feed into it deeper. He's using sleep as a form of escape or avoidance of his boyfriend leaving at that moment. Dream escapes > dreamscapes. Play on words.(May. 28, 2011 5:48 PM)Roan Wrote:(May. 28, 2011 7:28 AM)Robsta Wrote: Well constructed although I find some parts don't flow due to the fact you are trying to rhyme a little too hard.
Which parts specifically do you mean?
Drapes
waist
Dreamscapes
I don't like the use of the word "Dreamscapes" personally, seems a bit much.
I'm not sure if that's Roan's original intention, but I dig it.
Ah, this was close to iambic pentameter, but it seems as though it keeps varying from 10 to 11 syllables. Still, it's better to keep it meaningful than mathematical. I often lose meaning in my poetry when I focus too much on the method.
RE: The Holy - Sparta - Jun. 02, 2011
(Jun. 02, 2011 5:57 PM)Roan Wrote: The alliteration was something I really tried to focus on in this piece, because I wanted to give it a sort of driving, almost frantic rhythm to better express the "ticking of the clock" and how my time with him is so short. I probably could have used some other figurative language, but I think it might have detracted from the overall effect if I had.
As for the sestina, I actually had never heard of that form until you mentioned it. I looked it up and I couldn't make any sense out of how it's supposed to work, but I was interested in trying to write one. I don't have much free time to write at the moment, but I do plan on attempting one at some point in the future.
Alright, maybe I could PM you a good one, or at least teach you the scheme. It's hard because every line has to end in one of 6 words, and it has to be in a specific order. I wrote one, but it was best compared to a fail...
And I understand your point of alliteration. Since it was something you were driving for, then it was something I failed to see from your poem. Even so, one or two poetic sounds or oxymorons wouldn't hurt...
In any case, it was a lovely poem and I look forward to your next piece.
(Jun. 02, 2011 7:34 PM)Deikailo Wrote: I often lose meaning in my poetry when I focus too much on the method.Agreed. It's something I have trouble with, because I often write in free-verse. When I'm writing it the rhythm seems in tact, but when I go back and read through it I find there is no scheme or tempo at all. It's really dissatisfying and frustrating.
RE: The Holy - Roan - Jun. 03, 2011
(Jun. 02, 2011 7:34 PM)Deikailo Wrote:(May. 29, 2011 8:49 AM)Robsta Wrote:Dreamscapes actually works very well for this piece if you feed into it deeper. He's using sleep as a form of escape or avoidance of his boyfriend leaving at that moment. Dream escapes > dreamscapes. Play on words.(May. 28, 2011 5:48 PM)Roan Wrote:(May. 28, 2011 7:28 AM)Robsta Wrote: Well constructed although I find some parts don't flow due to the fact you are trying to rhyme a little too hard.
Which parts specifically do you mean?
Drapes
waist
Dreamscapes
I don't like the use of the word "Dreamscapes" personally, seems a bit much.
I'm not sure if that's Roan's original intention, but I dig it.
Yup, you nailed it.
RE: The Holy - Deikailo - Jun. 03, 2011
Roan, even if these are not the right economic times to write poetry, there is always an opportunity to go forward. It just means looking harder for the chance to prove yourself, which you're extremely dedicated to your work so I don't think it will be too much of a challenge, just time consuming.
Use your writerspirit?
(Jun. 03, 2011 3:28 AM)Roan Wrote: Yup, you nailed it.
RE: The Holy - Roan - Jun. 03, 2011
That's honorable advice and encouragement and all, but there's more to the issue than just a lack of economic viability.
The bigger issue I have is that I'm not sure how exactly my writing "talent" can be applied to a real-world career. I've been in and out of college for the past two or three years, always changing my major because I can never find anything that suits me that includes writing, which is honestly the only thing I am truly passionate about doing for the rest of my life.
I mean, writing is what I REALLY want to do for a living. Poetry, short stories, novels... I have done and want to do them all professionally, but I know that that's not going to sustain me financially, at least not in the immediate future. So right now I'm just going after a general English degree with no real goals or end-game in mind. I've been considering going into political journalism, or just general journalism, but journalism, as I've learned from experience, tends to be way too dry and technical for me.
So, basically, I'm clueless... lol
RE: The Holy - Deikailo - Jun. 03, 2011
http://www.pw.org/files/Asst_Online_Editor-job_posting_May_2011.pdf
I found that online on a quick google search. I would say you're good at managing things on the internet considering how well you've done on the WBO and you are for sure passionate about poetry and writing.
Even if this type of work isn't your style, it gets your foot into the door of the community where you'll encounter other opportunities and make other connections because it is a job where you are constantly communicating with individuals and groups of similar interests.