(May. 08, 2011  7:41 PM)Jackyboy9344 Wrote: dude your idea ROCKS pm me when you written the next Part

(May. 08, 2011  7:23 PM)Terra Blazer Wrote: Hah, keep going, it's an awesome idea. considering how stories like this usually go, that stone giant is gonna wish he hadn't come out for that race. yeah Lyn!

(May. 12, 2011  9:54 PM)Sparta Wrote: Wow. I must admit I'm impressed. I mean no offense, but many writers on the WBO may not have the ability to..erm..write well. Your fluency and grammar is impeccable, and I love the way you set up the character. We can already get a feel for his personality traits and characteristics. Remember, now that you have finished introducing the characters, or most of them that have appeared at this time, you should now begin to get around to the plot. Make sure you include lots of detail-use all of your senses! Dekailo once told me that smell is the #1 trigger for memories, so be sure to use that the most.

To summarize, I think (Please don't let this go to your head, but) this is one of the best stories (in terms of grammar, fluency, etc, etc) on the WBO. Nice work, well done!

(May. 12, 2011  10:02 PM)Kavasiki Wrote: Giving up? Really? Well, I think that this type of story gives more freedom than your Battle Striker story. I could not help it by noticing the beginning of this chapter: "Evil is overrated, and every hero is the same. Good, courageous, dashing… and if he isn’t, you just know that he will be by the end!" I just had to laugh about that because my God's Pawn suddenly appeared in my picture of that sentence.

Guess I have more to read later on.

Nice btw.

(May. 12, 2011  10:01 PM)kolosos666 Wrote:

(May. 12, 2011  9:54 PM)Sparta Wrote: Wow. I must admit I'm impressed. I mean no offense, but many writers on the WBO may not have the ability to..erm..write well. Your fluency and grammar is impeccable, and I love the way you set up the character. We can already get a feel for his personality traits and characteristics. Remember, now that you have finished introducing the characters, or most of them that have appeared at this time, you should now begin to get around to the plot. Make sure you include lots of detail-use all of your senses! Dekailo once told me that smell is the #1 trigger for memories, so be sure to use that the most.

To summarize, I think (Please don't let this go to your head, but) this is one of the best stories (in terms of grammar, fluency, etc, etc) on the WBO. Nice work, well done!

Woah, thanks alot, Sparta! It means a LOT, what you said! And coming from a person with such a badass username...it's just an honor! But yes, i will get around to the plot, i plan on intertwining plot with character introduction, so that it's not just a bulk of plot, then a cut-off paragraph introducing the character, then back to a bulk of plot. I've been trying to do the same for chapter 1 as well
And thanks for the SMELL idea...I'll make sure to use it(Though i gotta say, when writing the first chapter i wanted to give more VISUAL cues than anything.) A bad on my side, i suppose, so I'll make sure to touch ALL YOUR SENSES from chapter 2 onwards

(May. 14, 2011  1:08 AM)kolosos666 Wrote: AND CHAPTER 2 IS HERE! Now, it's half as long as chapter 2, so if you think length is important, then sorry! If not, i hope you enjoy it

WARNING! THIS CHAPTER HAS SWEARING AND STUFF!!! SO RECOMENDED FOR AGES 13 AND UP!!!

Spoiler (Click to View)

“Incoming!” He shouted with a large grin as he kicked off the ground, shooting ahead at an insane velocity. And just moments after, the mountain-sized stone colossus dropped his hand down on Lyn. It was then that he realized this was no ordinary race…

Chapter 2

“This won’t end well!” Lyn could already see his demise as a gigantic shadow was spreading, with a limb just as big dropping down fast. True, he wasn’t standing still either, moving at great speeds on the hoverboard he was given, but even so the colossus’ hand was too big to outrun. But just as he had given up all hope, friendly words of demise tickled his ears, as he heard Idene chanting above him, whilst riding on her broom.
“Oh beast! Let thy limb writhe and succumb. See thy arm twist and permit father time to play his flute on thy hand. Feel time’s claws scratch with joy on thy skin and suffer the passing of an era!” She recited whilst pointing her hands at the monster, arms crossed and eyes closed. And when she finally opened them, she spoke three more words that have brought about the demise of so many beings before it. “I Curse you!” She shouted and the colossus’ entire arm dissipated, time accelerating only in that space. You could hear rock crackle and turn to dust; dust in turn escaping into the wind.



Before long, the shadow that was obscuring the sun was gone, and Lyn felt relief and joy overflow his heart. Indeed he had never seen anything like this before, but he was no stranger to magic, and he knew that with magic everything was possible. And so, he wasn’t taken off guard by this action, and instead focused on evading the few small rocks that were falling. But of course, the monster didn’t just stand there and take the hit.

Without as much as a flinch, he went back on the offense, now lifting up his foot as the earth shook from the shifting of his weight. Just as a foot the size of a small village was lifted, the beast unleashed a deafening battle cry that sent chills down Lyn’s spine. But he didn’t let fear get to him this time. He knew, or at least hoped that he’d be saved yet again. And he was, just not by the person he expected. And it came with the sound of a wheel spinning perpetually against the dry rock that made up the ground at these parts.

“Onwards Helena!!! Time to bombard that abomination” Lyn could swear he heard the screeching voice of an old man coming from behind him, perhaps one who is albeit mentally unstable, when the only thing he could see was a small girl dressed in a long, light blue hoodie and white boots that covered nearly the wholesome of her legs, inside a giant mechanical wheel that spun around her, as if it was attached to her. Or perhaps it was the other way around, even though he could see no visible connection between the two. It was as if there was an invisible force that held the girl firmly on the inside of the wheel as it kept spinning.

And just as the wheel accelerated slowly, nearing on Lyn, he finally saw the source of that odd voice. The girl behind him straightened her left arm to the side, leading outside of the wheel. And with a flash of light running along the side of that arm, it split in two. And just like a mechanical contraption, it opened up, forming a sort of a door as a portal appeared on the inside of it and a set of stairs came out, forming a sort of a stand just above the height of the wheel. And from the portal he came out. The age old face of a wise story-teller, with the unshaven beard and moustache of a tyrant and the quirky hair of a mad scientist with too many experiments gone haywire. All that attached to a body covered in a white lab coat, his entirety not much bigger than that a ten year old. In fact, he was a head shorter than the girl inside the wheel which couldn’t have been older than twelve.

“Ha! Taste the power of my science!” He spoke as he raised his hand in the air and opened another similar portal above him. And from out of nowhere, machinery at least ten times the size of its summoner appeared. It was a horrid fusion of at least a dozen weapons. With a plethora of barrels and rockets pointing everywhere, it had an entire arsenal at its disposal. “Fire!” The old man in the lab coat shouted as he pulled the trigger and a swarm of bullets and rockets was launched towards the colossus. One, however, did not launch, and instead that lonely rocket remained in its place, beeping as a sign of activation.

“Blast! The last one never fires!” In haste he threw the weapon away as the rocket detonated just shortly after hitting the ground. It was an explosion strong enough to level a skyscraper. “Thank god it was the weakest one!” He exclaimed in relief as he ran back into the portal in a rush, holding onto his coat. And just as the portal closed and the girl pulled back her arm, all the explosives that were launched moments ago hit the colossus and reduced his lifted leg to smithereens in a fiery dance of explosions.

“And THAT is our resident mad doctor!” Idene spoke as Lyn finally took his eyes off the weird girl with the splitting arm, the giant wheel she rode inside of, and finally – the mad “doctor” that came out of that same splitting arm.
“I am not a mad doctor, you imbecile! I have a doctorate in Advanced Physics and Mechanic Works, but that’s not the same! I have a Ph.D in SCIENCE and I am a quintessential man of SCIENCE and I spend my days doing nothing but SCIENCE.” He spoke, just before another small portal opened and his head popped out only to yell at Idene. “AKA I AM BATSHIT CRAZY!” He yelled out before his head disappeared through the small portal.
“Yeah yeah I got it!” She waved, annoyed with all the shouting. Shortly after, she whispered to Lyn. “He hates it when you call him a doctor.”

“I got that, thank you.” He smiled, all the while wondering if the two – the redhead and the scientist, were teammates or mortal enemies. “And thanks for….whatever it is you two did.”
“No worries, we’re a team after all! Oh, speaking of team…You know me of course, the big guy with the green shirt is Noah, he’s our awesome leader. That right there is Helena…”She was referring to the strangely emotionless girl inside the spinning wheel. “And the scientist’s name is Rastelius, but we call him Razzy. And…” She smiled. Her smile widened just as she was about to say something, but stopped and simply pointed to the sky above Lyn.

Lightning cracked through the sky as a large steel cauldron was flying through the sky. And on top of the cauldron, riding it like a steed was one pissed off mage. And what a lean and tall mage it was, complete in a black coat and pointy hat.
“You motherfucking colossus, curse you for ruining my favorite hat! I’ll rip your goddamn spine in half!” He took his quirky leather hat off, revealing his wild cyan hair. The mage then looked at the hat and the small cut on the side of it one last time before scorching it with flames in the palm of his hand and roaring like an enraged bull. And with a slam of his staff on the cauldron, it erupted with an explosion as the mage started accelerating towards the colossus, proceeding to shoot out fireballs the size of a small house at the unlucky monster. The colossus was knocked off balance, slowly leaning backwards as his entire body was bursting in flames at different areas.
“Oh, hell no! You ain’t falling down that easy!” The mage moved his staff as he suddenly disappeared from sight. The cauldron kept flying, eventually hitting the colossus’ chest.

Lyn was wondering where he could’ve gone when he heard that familiar rage coming from behind the colossus.
“ATONE FOR YOUR SINS AND DIE!” The raging cyan-haired mage dug his arms deep into the back of the colossus, appearing like a small flea on the back of a very big human. But this was no flea for sure. “It’s suplex time, carp!” Whether it was magic or pure rage that powered him, he managed to flip the colossus upside down, and in the midst of a warcry, slam its head into the rocky floor beneath him, flattening the head completely due to the weight forced onto it. Naturally, Lyn was left with his jaw wide open.

“And that’s Blueborn Rex.” Idene lowered next to Lyn, now finding herself between him and Helena. “Weird name, I know!” She whispered to his ear, as he could barely hear her as he was too caught up in the fact that he saw a mage turn a monster the side of a mountain upside down, and proceed to shove it into the ground. Even as Idene was talking to him, the mage was on top of the collosus’ lifeless body – beating it down with his staff, shoving it further and further into the ground.

…And it was only the beginning of the race!

(May. 14, 2011  1:38 AM)Sparta Wrote:

(May. 14, 2011  1:08 AM)kolosos666 Wrote: AND CHAPTER 2 IS HERE! Now, it's half as long as chapter 2, so if you think length is important, then sorry! If not, i hope you enjoy it

WARNING! THIS CHAPTER HAS SWEARING AND STUFF!!! SO RECOMENDED FOR AGES 13 AND UP!!!

Spoiler (Click to View)

“Incoming!” He shouted with a large grin as he kicked off the ground, shooting ahead at an insane velocity. And just moments after, the mountain-sized stone colossus dropped his hand down on Lyn. It was then that he realized this was no ordinary race…

Chapter 2

“This won’t end well!” Lyn could already see his demise as a gigantic shadow was spreading, with a limb just as big dropping down fast. True, he wasn’t standing still either, moving at great speeds on the hoverboard he was given, but even so the colossus’ hand was too big to outrun. But just as he had given up all hope, friendly words of demise tickled his ears, as he heard Idene chanting above him, whilst riding on her broom.
“Oh beast! Let thy limb writhe and succumb. See thy arm twist and permit father time to play his flute on thy hand. Feel time’s claws scratch with joy on thy skin and suffer the passing of an era!” She recited whilst pointing her hands at the monster, arms crossed and eyes closed. And when she finally opened them, she spoke three more words that have brought about the demise of so many beings before it. “I Curse you!” She shouted and the colossus’ entire arm dissipated, time accelerating only in that space. You could hear rock crackle and turn to dust; dust in turn escaping into the wind.



Before long, the shadow that was obscuring the sun was gone, and Lyn felt relief and joy overflow his heart. Indeed he had never seen anything like this before, but he was no stranger to magic, and he knew that with magic everything was possible. And so, he wasn’t taken off guard by this action, and instead focused on evading the few small rocks that were falling. But of course, the monster didn’t just stand there and take the hit.

Without as much as a flinch, he went back on the offense, now lifting up his foot as the earth shook from the shifting of his weight. Just as a foot the size of a small village was lifted, the beast unleashed a deafening battle cry that sent chills down Lyn’s spine. But he didn’t let fear get to him this time. He knew, or at least hoped that he’d be saved yet again. And he was, just not by the person he expected. And it came with the sound of a wheel spinning perpetually against the dry rock that made up the ground at these parts.

“Onwards Helena!!! Time to bombard that abomination” Lyn could swear he heard the screeching voice of an old man coming from behind him, perhaps one who is albeit mentally unstable, when the only thing he could see was a small girl dressed in a long, light blue hoodie and white boots that covered nearly the wholesome of her legs, inside a giant mechanical wheel that spun around her, as if it was attached to her. Or perhaps it was the other way around, even though he could see no visible connection between the two. It was as if there was an invisible force that held the girl firmly on the inside of the wheel as it kept spinning.

And just as the wheel accelerated slowly, nearing on Lyn, he finally saw the source of that odd voice. The girl behind him straightened her left arm to the side, leading outside of the wheel. And with a flash of light running along the side of that arm, it split in two. And just like a mechanical contraption, it opened up, forming a sort of a door as a portal appeared on the inside of it and a set of stairs came out, forming a sort of a stand just above the height of the wheel. And from the portal he came out. The age old face of a wise story-teller, with the unshaven beard and moustache of a tyrant and the quirky hair of a mad scientist with too many experiments gone haywire. All that attached to a body covered in a white lab coat, his entirety not much bigger than that a ten year old. In fact, he was a head shorter than the girl inside the wheel which couldn’t have been older than twelve.

“Ha! Taste the power of my science!” He spoke as he raised his hand in the air and opened another similar portal above him. And from out of nowhere, machinery at least ten times the size of its summoner appeared. It was a horrid fusion of at least a dozen weapons. With a plethora of barrels and rockets pointing everywhere, it had an entire arsenal at its disposal. “Fire!” The old man in the lab coat shouted as he pulled the trigger and a swarm of bullets and rockets was launched towards the colossus. One, however, did not launch, and instead that lonely rocket remained in its place, beeping as a sign of activation.

“Blast! The last one never fires!” In haste he threw the weapon away as the rocket detonated just shortly after hitting the ground. It was an explosion strong enough to level a skyscraper. “Thank god it was the weakest one!” He exclaimed in relief as he ran back into the portal in a rush, holding onto his coat. And just as the portal closed and the girl pulled back her arm, all the explosives that were launched moments ago hit the colossus and reduced his lifted leg to smithereens in a fiery dance of explosions.

“And THAT is our resident mad doctor!” Idene spoke as Lyn finally took his eyes off the weird girl with the splitting arm, the giant wheel she rode inside of, and finally – the mad “doctor” that came out of that same splitting arm.
“I am not a mad doctor, you imbecile! I have a doctorate in Advanced Physics and Mechanic Works, but that’s not the same! I have a Ph.D in SCIENCE and I am a quintessential man of SCIENCE and I spend my days doing nothing but SCIENCE.” He spoke, just before another small portal opened and his head popped out only to yell at Idene. “AKA I AM BATSHIT CRAZY!” He yelled out before his head disappeared through the small portal.
“Yeah yeah I got it!” She waved, annoyed with all the shouting. Shortly after, she whispered to Lyn. “He hates it when you call him a doctor.”

“I got that, thank you.” He smiled, all the while wondering if the two – the redhead and the scientist, were teammates or mortal enemies. “And thanks for….whatever it is you two did.”
“No worries, we’re a team after all! Oh, speaking of team…You know me of course, the big guy with the green shirt is Noah, he’s our awesome leader. That right there is Helena…”She was referring to the strangely emotionless girl inside the spinning wheel. “And the scientist’s name is Rastelius, but we call him Razzy. And…” She smiled. Her smile widened just as she was about to say something, but stopped and simply pointed to the sky above Lyn.

Lightning cracked through the sky as a large steel cauldron was flying through the sky. And on top of the cauldron, riding it like a steed was one pissed off mage. And what a lean and tall mage it was, complete in a black coat and pointy hat.
“You motherfucking colossus, curse you for ruining my favorite hat! I’ll rip your goddamn spine in half!” He took his quirky leather hat off, revealing his wild cyan hair. The mage then looked at the hat and the small cut on the side of it one last time before scorching it with flames in the palm of his hand and roaring like an enraged bull. And with a slam of his staff on the cauldron, it erupted with an explosion as the mage started accelerating towards the colossus, proceeding to shoot out fireballs the size of a small house at the unlucky monster. The colossus was knocked off balance, slowly leaning backwards as his entire body was bursting in flames at different areas.
“Oh, hell no! You ain’t falling down that easy!” The mage moved his staff as he suddenly disappeared from sight. The cauldron kept flying, eventually hitting the colossus’ chest.

Lyn was wondering where he could’ve gone when he heard that familiar rage coming from behind the colossus.
“ATONE FOR YOUR SINS AND DIE!” The raging cyan-haired mage dug his arms deep into the back of the colossus, appearing like a small flea on the back of a very big human. But this was no flea for sure. “It’s suplex time, carp!” Whether it was magic or pure rage that powered him, he managed to flip the colossus upside down, and in the midst of a warcry, slam its head into the rocky floor beneath him, flattening the head completely due to the weight forced onto it. Naturally, Lyn was left with his jaw wide open.

“And that’s Blueborn Rex.” Idene lowered next to Lyn, now finding herself between him and Helena. “Weird name, I know!” She whispered to his ear, as he could barely hear her as he was too caught up in the fact that he saw a mage turn a monster the side of a mountain upside down, and proceed to shove it into the ground. Even as Idene was talking to him, the mage was on top of the collosus’ lifeless body – beating it down with his staff, shoving it further and further into the ground.

…And it was only the beginning of the race!

Wowzas! Very well done! Nice description of the colossus at the beginning. I could get a good feel for what it looked like (Kind of..try to include more senses)

(May. 14, 2011  9:42 AM)bladeruler Wrote: it's awesome dude

(May. 14, 2011  11:44 AM)TheBlayder Wrote: Great story, although what was up with the battle strikers one? WAIT, had an idea, maybe we could write a joint story? Well, you would need to work out the grammatical errors and other stuff, as im not too pro myself

(May. 17, 2011  7:23 AM)pikabattler Wrote: nice work, kinda reminds me of my story idea just more explosive, magical, dangerous and bigger than mine (mine is just like a racing version of the chaotic world). anyway this is an idea that could realy go far.