Elephant Strife - NoodooSoup - May. 02, 2011
Ok, so I've had this story for a long time, and I'm finally going to post it Since it's pretty late right now, I'm only going to post a prologue, to give you guys some background information. Please critique, I don't want mindless comments or hate remarks. Also, don't just say you hate it because you don't like the topic.
Exactly 84 years ago, on August 2nd, a military leader by the name of Coygator Tamarack grew tired of the wars that cursed the land of which he lived on; as it separated the people who were once united. The wars, which were caused by the differences of the people, stole the lives of innocent and guilty people alike. As a result, Tamarack devised a plan; a plan that merged the nine civilizations that littered the land, and settled their differences through an indirect form of 'Sameness'. Customs and originality would have to be sacrificed in order for this plan to succeed, but through the use of clever advertising and propaganda, the people did not object to any of this. For the remainder of 75 years, the land that had been spoiled with war, became a peaceful nation, under the rule of the leader, Tamarack.
But then, 9 years ago, something ticked inside the body of a group of people, something that detected something was wrong, and they cracked. They realized that without originality, people couldn't even be considered human. So they rebelled, taking nearly half of these 'Sameness Followers', and converting them into rebellious people. Ever since, my country has been at war with ourselves, tearing itself apart. Regardless, I will join the military of my country, and fight for what I believe in, even at the risk of death. In this act, maybe the war will end. Maybe someday our country can become like an elephant again; long-lasting and self-preserving. I doubt it, but I won't give up.
I could distinctly remember Viper's voice ringing in my head as she tugged on my arm. I was about eight years old then, and I had been in a hurry to get to the Learning Home like I did everyday. The smell of the fresh morning dew in the air filled my nostrils as I trekked along the path. As I reached the entrance of the home, I could hear a faint whisper that got louder every second.
“Crane! Craaaaneeee!†the voice had whispered. A long, low whistle followed it. It appeared to be coming from the large bushes that surrounded the home and its boundaries. As I looked around to find the whisperer who called my name, I felt a strong tug on my arm that made me collapse into one of the bushes.
Now I could see who was calling me; Viper. Her black hair was uncombed like always and her face was smeared with dirt. And considering she had been in the bushes, it was no surprise that her clothing was covered in grass stains. Same old Viper.
“What do y–,†I had tried to ask, but she cut me off abruptly.
“Come with me to the Military Camp,†she had said, her large dark eyes fluttering before me. Not this again. She had asked me countless times to skip learning and go with her, only to be told off. I don’t know why she even bothered to ask when the answer was inevitable. She had this obsession with joining the armed forces once she turned fourteen, since that was when you could join.
I started to sound out the “n†in “noâ€, but she gave me an angry and upset look. I felt bad now that I always said no, and I never went with her anywhere. But, this was something risky. My mind told me not to, to stay and learn and fill my brain with knowledge. But, my heart told me to go. I mean, she was my best friend, and if I must say, the love of my life. But that last part is between you and me. Maybe learning could wait, just for one day…?
“Fine.†I finally told her after thinking it through for roughly thirty seconds. It made me happy to see her expression suddenly become filled with happiness and gratitude.
“Okay! Follow me.†She said, running onto the trail that led back home. I ran behind her, as she turned left, off the trail, and into the lush woods that surrounded our village.
I was never really a fan of those woods, partly because of the stories my parents would tell me about ghosts that haunted the village. But Viper was tough. And I know it sounds cowardly, but I know she would be there to protect me from any dangers. It’s not like I stood a chance with the things that lurked there anyway.
She bent down and picked up a sharp rock that had been slightly buried in dirt on the ground.
“For protection.†She said, looking back at me. I followed her action because I knew she knew what to do.
We probably ran for about ten minutes before we arrived at the clearing, which was littered with tents. Viper and I were lying in the bushes, so as not to get spotted by the soldiers. The smell of burning cinders filled the air that surrounded us; probably from the numerous fire pits that were burning. The soldiers wore sleek black jackets, loose khaki colored pants and grey boots that went up a little below the knee. I glanced at her, her eyes focused on the marching soldiers that moved along ahead of us. That’s when I came to the sudden realization that there were probably more than one hundred soldiers present there.
“Woah…†I said, barely containing my newfound excitement before Viper glared at me and told me to be quiet. I never felt so excited, and I don’t recall why I felt so excited in the first place. But, I did. Over in the large clearing, there were pairs of men and women stabbing and jabbing at each other’s chests with short blades. In the distant mountains, soldiers were lined up while lying down, large guns wrapped around their arms. They fired at artificial objects that were thrown in the air with extreme precision and accuracy. On the left, past the river bed, archers climbed trees and fired arrows with such a speed that it was hard to believe. But my eyes returned to the sparring soldiers in the clearing, moving the daggers in such a variety of ways. Some who swung elegantly and smoothly, aiming for critical points to attack, and others who wielded the blade violently and roughly, their goal to tire you out.
Now I knew why Viper loved the armed forces so much. Because right then and there, I knew what I wanted to be. A soldier. But I was so naïve back then. I only wanted to join so I could “have fun†and swing the blade like a professional. I thought that was all the Military served a purpose for. But, oh, was I wrong. There is much more to war than what it seems.
RE: Elephant Strife (Not a Beyblade Story) - Boxy ID - May. 02, 2011
When i saw the title it mislead me to think it was about FF7 but its actually interesting. Keep it up.
RE: Elephant Strife (Not a Beyblade Story) - NoodooSoup - May. 02, 2011
(May. 02, 2011 4:14 AM)Oath Keeper Wrote: When i saw the title it mislead me to think it was about FF7 but its actually interesting. Keep it up.
Thanks, yeah, I can see where you got confused there but, strife is a word which means "bitter conflict".
RE: Elephant Strife (Not a Beyblade Story) - Boxy ID - May. 02, 2011
(May. 02, 2011 4:16 AM)NoodooSoup Wrote: (May. 02, 2011 4:14 AM)Oath Keeper Wrote: When i saw the title it mislead me to think it was about FF7 but its actually interesting. Keep it up.
Thanks, yeah, I can see where you got confused there but, strife is a word which means "bitter conflict".
I know, it sounds like a sort of FF Theme kind of, that is what impressed me. Any idea when Chapter1 will be up?
RE: Elephant Strife (Not a Beyblade Story) - Kujikato - May. 02, 2011
impressive
great story, though it needs some spice
RE: Elephant Strife (Not a Beyblade Story) - Xlr8 - May. 02, 2011
nice story keep on going with ur work
RE: Elephant Strife (Not a Beyblade Story) - NoodooSoup - May. 02, 2011
(May. 02, 2011 12:51 PM)Dracovianauis Wrote: impressive
great story, though it needs some spice
Any specific things I should improve on?
RE: Elephant Strife - NoodooSoup - Jun. 10, 2011
The new chapter is up, guys! Not particularly liking it so much, but I never like my work. This chapter is a FLASHBACK, he's not eight years old in the story, only in this chapter.
RE: Elephant Strife - Kujikato - Jun. 10, 2011
now that has tha spice, good descriptions and dialogue, excellent balance, 9.5/10
RE: Elephant Strife - NoodooSoup - Jun. 10, 2011
Thanks, anything I should remember to fix next time I write the chapter?
RE: Elephant Strife - Kujikato - Jun. 10, 2011
just keep your punctuation on the line (as in keeping it good, i only say 1 or 2 mistakes) and have the blend of description and dialogue balanced like chapter 1
RE: Elephant Strife - Sparta - Jun. 10, 2011
The title reminds me of "elephant strike", and when I first read the prologue, I thought it reminded me of "The Giver".
Even so, I like the idea, and the story. Your descriptions are good, but they are a little...uncanny? Random? I'm not quite sure, but somehow they feel out of place. I wish I could give you a more accurate description, but try to fix that...
RE: Elephant Strife - NoodooSoup - Jun. 10, 2011
(Jun. 10, 2011 8:21 PM)Sparta Wrote: The title reminds me of "elephant strike", and when I first read the prologue, I thought it reminded me of "The Giver".
Even so, I like the idea, and the story. Your descriptions are good, but they are a little...uncanny? Random? I'm not quite sure, but somehow they feel out of place. I wish I could give you a more accurate description, but try to fix that...
I understand where you're coming from when you said it sounded like The Giver 
I'll try to fix the description in the next chapter, maybe even edit the first if I have the motivation. Thanks for the critique though!
RE: Elephant Strife - NightWolf7919 - Jun. 17, 2011
Sounds like what would happen to Jonas' community after he left, or something like that. I'd like to see where this goes.
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