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+--- Thread: The Bey fuse. (/Thread-The-Bey-fuse)
The Bey fuse. - Poison pegasus - Apr. 22, 2011
raiden:Now finish him off!
raiden:FLAMESTRIKE!
"Whaa!?" i said in a confused voice.
*he attacks my bey about 4 times from each direction...below,making my beyblade fly in thin air...above....making my bey crash into the stadium....left and right making my beyblade hit the stadium corners...*
"whoa!"*my beyblade flys out of the stadium*
once again i lose...*holds my beyblade burn leone..*
*is shocked* l-l-leone!!! *leone has so many scratches like hes going to break up!*
*leaves the place and goes to mountains*
GO SHOOT!*launches leone on a rock*
*launches leone again and again and again and again on rock*
wow leone you broke the rock even when your half broken.
Well time to get down *watches the place from up* *gets dizzy but trys to go down*
*suddenly a shooting star appears*
wow a shooting star? *notices that shooting star...Its coming right above me*
AHHHHHHH!*BOOM*
RE: The Bey fuse. - MaDMuPPeT__ - Apr. 22, 2011
Nice story
I enjoyed it lots, and you left it at a cliffhanger to make us think whats gonna happen next 
I think Storm Pegasus is gonna help Burn Leone to defeat the opponent, Raiden
RE: The Bey fuse. - Poison pegasus - Apr. 23, 2011
Chapter 2:Another legend
AAAAAH!*BOOM*
*falls but hangs on a rock at the mountain and gets down safely*
Ugh..... *takes out burn leone* GAH! i-its totally fixed!!!Well time to beat someone up!
*runs to a forest*
raiden: So your up to get kicked another time?
Oh yeah?Well come on the real blader doesnt fight with his mouth!
raiden&me: Go shoot!!!!
Burn leone attack him!!!
stardust Anubis go!!! *an explosion happens*
Burn leone,Special move!
BURNING ROAR!!!!
*an explosion happens and the trees fall down*.. i think i got him!
raiden: Oh really? your not going to get me even if i spun my bey with my hand!
What!?
raiden:its my turn now! Stardust Anubis!Stardust crash!*Anubis gets my bey into the air and keeps attacking it with no mercy!*
Leone!!!*a huge explosion happens* burn leone falls down...Evolved!*
Wha,wha,wha,WHAT THE HECK!?
raiden:huh!? grrr..... *raiden takes his bey and runs*
He escaped...more importantly what is my bey now?
i know the right place to go....*runs to B pit*
Umm anyone here?
Anyone?
uhhhh
madoka:hello may i help you?
Oh yeah i just wanna check on my beyblade. madoka:I need it for 2 days just for regular inspection
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Thanks!
RE: The Bey fuse. - Poison pegasus - May. 14, 2011
Cr4p....This thread be falling
RE: The Bey fuse. - Terra Blazer - May. 14, 2011
sorry, poison pegasus, it's a good story, but it just can't compete with the other stories out there
RE: The Bey fuse. - Poison pegasus - May. 14, 2011
Yeah i know
too bad but oh well i will keep on trying..But i need some more time to think for another story.
RE: The Bey fuse. - Xlr8 - May. 15, 2011
it's just ok not so good
RE: The Bey fuse. - Ga' - May. 15, 2011
The large number of action cues and lack of real intro completely ruin this story's flow... Otherwise, the actual story idea is pretty good. Just need to work on some writing skills.
RE: The Bey fuse. - Poison pegasus - Jun. 02, 2011
(May. 15, 2011 1:17 PM)GaHooleone Wrote: The large number of action cues and lack of real intro completely ruin this story's flow... Otherwise, the actual story idea is pretty good. Just need to work on some writing skills.Yeah i know....
RE: The Bey fuse. - RowDog - Jun. 02, 2011
Why do you keep on using these *? Way too choppy man. A lot of improvement in every area needed. (not trying to sound too mean)
RE: The Bey fuse. - sonicsora123 - Jun. 02, 2011
dont give up poison pegasus. ive seen your old stories and youve improved soooooooo much. this story is actually very good. you might need to polish up on your grammar a bit. write your story on Microsoft Word or something us it will show your grammar mistakes. your story awesome. the only thing stopping you is how you write it
EDIT: I tthink hes using * cus he doesnt have "
RE: The Bey fuse. - Justaway - Jun. 02, 2011
Yes..I agree with sonicsora123...ur best option is to use MS word if u have it to decrease the grammatical errors...I liked the idea of the story and it is a really good story..keep writing
RE: The Bey fuse. - sonicsora123 - Jun. 02, 2011
I sent poison pegasus a fixed version of the 1st chapter. hope u use it
PS: is this a playscript or something cus i can help u with that too
RE: The Bey fuse. - Poison pegasus - Jun. 03, 2011
Thanks for the support,
RE: The Bey fuse. - sonicsora123 - Jun. 03, 2011
(Jun. 03, 2011 1:43 PM)Poison pegasus Wrote: Thanks for the support,
no probs
u and scorpion are my biggest fans. its the least i culd do after all you did to help me.
Dont give up