The Dark Planet (accepting character requests) - StaticX - Mar. 12, 2011
Hi everyone I made a story and here is the main character:
Name:Tsuyoshi ( su-yo-shi)
Gender: male
Age:19
Beyblade lectrode Hydra W²P145 (Water/wind producer 145 ) EMFWD (Eternal Metal Floating Wide Defense)
Special move lectric Field(Water splashes like waves then the stadium is flooded with water then the other bey's owner cannot see their bey but Tsuyoshi knows where hydra is since Tsuyoshi uses his senses. Then hydra creates high voltage then the other bey starts to lose spin but hydra is not affected since the track is designed to push away water and electricity by producing wind.Then, hydra smashes the other bey while the other bey is left soaking wet. Then Hydra's W²P105 track absorbs all the water then the battle is finished.)
Now here is the story:
I ran around the streets, trying to find hope of life. I had lost everything. My family, my bey, my friends. It was very hard to see because it was night. Then suddenly, I heard a scream. I followed the sound. I ended up in an alley. It was completely deserted. Then I saw an odd creature dash. It had red eyes and black fur. I looked to the right and it jumped from the wall and scratched my face. Then I ran to a wall and climbed. I got to the roof. I ran after the creature. I punched it and I said "WHAT ARE YOU!' It was a werewolf. It bit me then I screamed! Then I started to see flashbacks. I saw the werewolf forming a tornado around my family and friends, then the werewolf said "I sent your family to another planet. Planet 893.' I screamed "WHY!' The werewolf said "Back when you were little, you were in a forest camping, you saw me and took your bey and chased me away into a river. Now this is payback. If you want your family back, go to Planet 789 and take the legendary crystal and give it to me.' I said "Ok. As long as you give my family back.' Then the werewolf said "Just go!!' then it disappeared. I said to myself "So, planet 789, it must be a forbidden planet. My journey has started.' To be continued.
RE: The Sonic Werewolf (accepting character requests) - C-Dub - Mar. 12, 2011
cooooooollllliiiioooo stry!!keep riten!
RE: The Sonic Werewolf (accepting character requests) - StaticX - Mar. 12, 2011
(Mar. 12, 2011 4:17 PM)C-Dub Wrote: cooooooollllliiiioooo stry!!keep riten! Thanks!
RE: Horogium827's story (title pending) (accepting character requests) - StaticX - Mar. 12, 2011
Chapter 2
I ran to a local store and brought loads of food and stuff. Then I took a backpack out of a trash bag and washed it with the soap I brought and the water from a river. I packed the bag up. The sky's constellations were shining so brightly. Then I saw Hydra. I thought about my bey. Then I saw a black-haired rocker dude that came up with my bey. He said "I believe this is yours? I saw it was Hydra and I said "Yes. Thank you very much.'Then I just ran to a river and hunted for some fish with my bey. Hydra's track absorbed all of the water. Now it was easy to catch fish. I caught them with the fishing rod I got from the store. I had to get some campfire. Once I had the campfire, it was time to eat! After dinner, I ran off. Then suddenly, I ended up in a big crowded city. On the big screen televisions, Blader DJ announced that there will be a tournament held tomorrow Monday 2:37 PM. I rented a suite at the hotel. I stored my bey in my case and went to bed.
RE: Horogium827's story (title pending) (accepting character requests) - StormPegy - Mar. 12, 2011
AWSOME story Horogium (can i still call you raffy?)
i cant wait for the next chapter
Bye
from Stormpegy
RE: Horogium827's story (title pending) (accepting character requests) - StaticX - Mar. 12, 2011
(Mar. 12, 2011 10:15 PM)StormPegy Wrote: AWSOME story Horogium (can i still call you raffy?)
i cant wait for the next chapter
Bye
from Stormpegy OK thanks do you have a character request??
RE: Horogium827's story (title pending) (accepting character requests) - StormPegy - Mar. 12, 2011
Yea ok
Main Character: Karuwa
Bey: Galaxy Pegasus 100 R2F (Attack)
Special Move: Pegasus Storm Bringer
Bye
RE: The Dark Planet (accepting character requests) - StaticX - Mar. 13, 2011
Chapter 3
I woke up, and prepared for the tournament. I ran to a local bey shop and got a light launcher 2. Then I dashed to the tournament. When I got to the tournament, I saw the people who entered the tournament and who they will battle. What I saw was: Tyler (Killer Cetus SW145SD) VS Tsuyoshi (Electrode Hydra W2P145EMFWD) And Karuwa (Galaxy Pegasis 100 R2F) VS Dylan (Earth Chameleon C120 (Camoflauge 120) XWD (Extremely Wide Defense ). The tournament has started. Tyler said "Prepare for your fate.'. I said "Bring it on!!!!!!'. We attached our beys to our launchers. 3,2,1 Goo Shoot!!!
"Go Hydra!!!' I shouted. "Destroy em!' Tyler shouted. "Not on my watch!' I yelled.
Hydra shot water at Cetus. Samurai began to slow down. "Cetus!' Tyler yelled. Cetus ran out of the water. Our beys clashed. "Cetus, special move, Sea's Terror!!! . Cetus's track switched to attack mode. Cetus delivered a fierce shot. Hydra dodged the attack and made a shield of wind. Cetus didn't get through the first time, but on the second time, Cetus attempted to break through anyways. Cetus hit Hydra. Hydra was at the corner of the stadium, but Hydra managed to deliver a better attack. "Hydra, special move, Electric field!!!!! Hydra dissapeared into electricity, and traveled underwater then delivered an epic smash. Cetus was beaten. To be continued.
RE: Horogium827's story (title pending) (accepting character requests) - Ga' - Mar. 13, 2011
(Mar. 12, 2011 9:53 PM)Horogium827 Wrote: Chapter 2 Next chapter...
(Mar. 13, 2011 4:37 PM)Horogium827 Wrote: Chapter 4
...? Errr, yeah. Should probably fix that.
(Mar. 12, 2011 9:53 PM)Horogium827 Wrote: Then suddenly, my long lost bey just flew out of the sky. I thought "Hmm, I never knew that beys could just fly out of the sky.'
Another awkward moment. Definitely make this better, probably the most carpy part of this story. The actual story is decent, just a bit too cliché for my liking.
RE: Horogium827's story (title pending) (accepting character requests) - StaticX - Mar. 13, 2011
(Mar. 13, 2011 5:01 PM)GaHooleone Wrote: (Mar. 12, 2011 9:53 PM)Horogium827 Wrote: Chapter 2 Next chapter...
(Mar. 13, 2011 4:37 PM)Horogium827 Wrote: Chapter 4
...? Errr, yeah. Should probably fix that.
(Mar. 12, 2011 9:53 PM)Horogium827 Wrote: Then suddenly, my long lost bey just flew out of the sky. I thought "Hmm, I never knew that beys could just fly out of the sky.'
Another awkward moment. Definitely make this better, probably the most carpy part of this story. The actual story is decent, just a bit too cliché for my liking. OK I will try to improve those and the mistakes.
RE: The Dark Planet (accepting character requests) - StormPegy - Mar. 13, 2011
awsome story
i loved chapter 3
bye
RE: The Dark Planet (accepting character requests) - Kujikato - Mar. 14, 2011
Huh dude, my own character Has a bey named samurai, u really should change it, unless you want my characters
RE: The Dark Planet (accepting character requests) - StaticX - Mar. 15, 2011
(Mar. 14, 2011 1:17 PM)Dracovianauis Wrote: Huh dude, my own character Has a bey named samurai, u really should change it, unless you want my characters OK I will change it.
RE: The Dark Planet (accepting character requests) - MLdragoMaster - Mar. 15, 2011
Nameaif
Personality: good guy Ryuga type
Bey:Meteo Ldrago LW105LF
Special Move: Meteo Shower
RE: The Dark Planet (accepting character requests) - StaticX - Mar. 15, 2011
(Mar. 15, 2011 1:18 AM)MLdragoMaster Wrote: Nameaif
Personality: good guy Ryuga type
Bey:Meteo Ldrago LW105LF
Special Move: Meteo Shower Alright I will use him next chapter.
RE: The Dark Planet (accepting character requests) - NoodooSoup - Mar. 15, 2011
I like the mood you give off, but it feels as if the story is too rushed. In a mere two sentences the character is already doing something else. Try to describe with more detail and spread the story out instead of packing it into a paragraph.
RE: The Dark Planet (accepting character requests) - Kujikato - Mar. 15, 2011
oh yeah, here are my characters
Name: Izuma Inzori
BeyBlade: starts with: Silent Ninja MSBSCH85 RHF/RS, final form is: Silent Samurai MKSCH85 WRHF/RWD
BeyBlade description:
Face: A shuriken in the middle, between two kantanas and the writing SAMURAI for Silent Samurai and NINJA for Silent Ninja (color: all decals black on silver background)
Silent: think of Lightning with the multi hit mode (renamed Rapid Strike mode) as thick shurikens, and upper mode (renamed Slice mode) as a kantana (color: un-painted)
Samurai: think of Kerbecs + L-Drago I with the 'rings' as shurikens and the dragon heads as kantanas (color; silver)
Ninja: same as Samurai except that the dragon heads are shaped like kunai (color: silver)
MKSCH85: Metal Kantana Spring Change Height 8.5mm – 11.0mm, same as MSBSCH85 except that the Shuriken Blade is changed with 4 kantanas (color: translucent silver for the plastic, un-painted metal for the “bladesâ€)
MSBSCH85: Metal Shuriken Blade Spring Change Height 8.5mm-11mm, think of CH120 with an external shell resembling a shuriken made of metal, when lose, MSBSCH85 can bounce due to the spring within the core of MSBSCH85.
RHF/RS: Rubber Hole Flat / Rubber Sharp (can change during combat at Izuma’s command)
WRHF/RWD: Wide Rubber Hole Flat / Rubber Wide Defense (can change during combat at Izuma’s command (color: translucent silver for plastic, black for the rubber))
Super Attacks:
Level 1: “Silent death,†Silent Samurai disappears and hits opponent with a million kunai and shuriken and kantanas
Level 2: “100 Slices of The Samurais’’,†the Metal Shuriken shell on MSBSCH85 swells and smashes the opponent’s bey 100 times, on the 99th time, Silent Ninja halts and circles the stadium 10 times, cheating a black hurricane that flips the opposing bey out of the stadium with a insanely powerful smash from Silent Samurai.
Level 3: N/A
Level X: “Infinite Blade†Samurai appears and slices at the opponent’s bey with such speed and power that the opposing bey instantly stops and flies out of the stadium 10 meters away, breaking it in half. (Last resort, can only be used three times in a year!)
Team attack 1: “Hydro Kantana Blitzâ€: Team attack with Hydro Narwhale: Narwhale lifts Samurai, Samurai creates a kantana and Narwhale adds high pressure water jets to it, they attack together, while Samurai slices with the kantana, narwhale flips and uses water jets to grind the opponent’s clear wheel, and increase its spin velocity, causing the opponent’s bey to completely stop by Narwhale’s grind or get KOed by Samurai’s attack
Team attack 2: “Electric Kantana Diveâ€: Team attack with Electric Berserker: Berserker goes around Samurai as a shield while circling the stadium (like the moon is Berserker, earth is Samurai and the centre of the stadium id the sun) and then Samurai shoots up in the sky, descending with Samurai spinning a kantana charged with lightning and Berserker keeping the opponent bey in one spot by surrounding it with a electric fence
Team attack 3: “Magma Kantana Diveâ€: Team attack with Magma Saurian: Refer to “Electric Kantana Dive†team attack with Berserker’s parts replaced by Saurian
Team attack X: “Inzori Finaleâ€: Team attack involving all the Team members: first, Narwhale soaks all the opponent beys, next Berserker zaps all of them, while the opponents are distracted by Narwhale and Berserkers team attack, then Narwhale fills the stadium with water at the same time, Saurian releases a flow of lava, trapping the opponent beys in Rock, allowing the entire team the time to do “Infinite Magma Hydro Electric Kantana Attack†without any opposition
BeyBlade Type: Legendary
Spin Direction: Left
Character bio:
Gender: Male
Clothes: Black Kevlar T-shirt and jeans and silver Kevlar cloak with black flames. (cloak is based on Minato from NARUTO)
Black hair, Chinese origin, oldest of 4 children
Caries twin Kantanas everywhere.
Team rank: Leader
Attitude: helpful and cool, he has to keep a critical eye on his twin sister, Sonai so that she doesn’t go out of control with her short temper, his classmates (except for Sonai) are jealous of him. When he promises something, you can guarantee that he will keep his promise unless it has anything to do with murder or theft. Keeps his younger brothers in line every day so that they don’t drive Sonai crazy.
Age: 17 years as of February 27, 2011
Name: Sonai Inzori
BeyBlade: begins with: Pre-HWS Narwhale CH120 PD, and ends with: Hydro Narwhale XDFCH110 EPWD/PD
Type: Stamina
BeyBlade description:
Face: For both Narwhales, two narwhales next to each other with a wave and the writing Narwhale on the bottom. (Color: the narwhales: sliver, the wave: light blue, the writing: silver, the background: medium dark blue)
Hydro: imagine the Pre-HWS Virgo except the lobes are wave like. (Un-colored)
(Metal wheel) Narwhale: 4 Narwhales in a circle with a wave pattern on the bottom
(Clear wheel) Narwhale: two Narwhales in a circle. (Translucent blue)
XDFCH110: eXtreme Down Force Change Height 11.0mm- 13.5mm, basically a CH110 with the external shell as a super wide DF that works in both spin directions. (Translucent blue)
EPWD/PD: Eternal Polish Wide Defense/Polish Defense, PD with a voice controlled shaft aligned in PD’s notches, wielding a free spinning PWD (Translucent blue)
Super Attacks:
Level 1: “ Hydro Turbo Boostâ€: Narwhale creates a water typhoon complimenting its team members spin or itself spin, thus increasing the bey affected by the water typhoon spin velocity.
Level 2: “Hydro Cannonâ€: Narwhale creates a huge water typhoon in the playing area and sends it at the opponent’s bey, sending it flying repeatedly so that Narwhale’s extreme stamina can be used to outlast the opponent’s bey.
Level 3: “Flying Hydro Narwhale Cannonâ€: Hydro Narwhale hovers in the air because on XDFCH110 and creates a water Narwhale to ram the opponent’s bey.
Level X: “Hydro Hornâ€: Narwhale appears and creates a high pressure water jet in the shape of a Narwhale’s horn and Stabs the opponent’s bey breaking it in half, or KOing in instantly
Team Attacks:
Team attack 1: “Hydro Kantana Blitzâ€: Team attack with Silent Samurai: Hydro Narwhale lifts Silent Samurai, Samurai creates a Kantana and Narwhale adds high pressure water jets to it, and then they attack together, while Samurai slices with the kantana, narwhale flips and uses Hydro to grind the opponent’s clear wheel, causing the opponent’s bey to completely stop by Narwhale’s grind or get KOed by Samurai’s attack
Team attack 2: “Hydro Shockâ€: Team attack with Electric Berserker: Team attack with Hydro Narwhale: First, Narwhale soaks the opposing beys with water, then Berserker zaps them, after that, Narwhale creates a water typhoon that Berserker charges with electricity
Team attack 3: “Rock Strikeâ€: Team attack with Magma Saurian: Narwhale fills the stadium with at the same time, Saurian releases a flow of lava, trapping the opposing beys in rock, defenseless against a water/magma spear strike.
Team attack X: “Inzori Finaleâ€: Team attack involving all the Team members: first, Narwhale soaks all the opponent beys, next Berserker zaps all of them, while the opponents are distracted by Narwhale and Berserkers team attack, then Narwhale fills the stadium with water at the same time, Saurian releases a flow of lava, trapping the opponent beys in Rock, allowing the entire team the time to do “Infinite Magma Hydro Electric Kantana Attack†without any opposition
Spin Direction: L/R
Character bio:
Gender: Female
Clothes: wears basically the same as all the Inzori except that her cloak is blue with silver flames.
Caries a special Touch Screen Repair Computer, TSRC, and tools for bey repairs
Rank in Team: repairer. (Technician)
Black hair, Chinese origin, and 2nd oldest of 4 children
Attitude: very reckless, and has a short temper, her twin brother, Izuma, does all that he can do to make sure she doesn’t go out of control with her rage and short temper doesn’t get the worst of her, her classmates (except for Izuma) are jealous of her. When she promises something, you can guarantee that she will keep her promise unless it has anything to do with murder or theft. She can get very angry with her 2 younger brothers, she respects Inzori as the greatest beyblader of all time
She is Izuma’s twin sister
Age: 17 as of February 27, 2011
Name: Hatachi Inzori
BeyBlade: begins with: Static Zerker LB135 ELRF final form: Electric Berserker BXBCH135 EMCLRF
Beyblade type: Attack
BeyBlade Discription:
Face: A sword with electricity coming out of it and the writing BERSERKER or ZERKER on the bottom. (Color: the sword: Silver, everything else: yellow on a black background)
Electric: Looks like a metal wheel with 4 lengthened protrusions in the shape of thunderbolts. (Slightly overhangs the track like Rock does (color: silver))
Static: same as Electric but it only has 3 protrusions
Berserker: 4 very large swords in a circle. (Color: translucent light yellow)
Zerker: 3 swords in a circle. (Color: translucent dark yellow)
BXBCH135: Bending eXtreme Blades Change Height 13.5mm – 16.0mm, basically a CH___ with 4 large Blades that can bend at Hatachi’s command during battle.
LB135: Lightning Blade 13.5mm, 3 lightning like blades facing outward.
ELRF: Eternal Left Rubber Flat, a free spinning RF.
EMCLRF: Eternal Metal Coated Left Rubber Flat, combine Metal Flat, Rubber Flat, and Eternal___ and CS, a free spinning LRF with a Metal Coat around it. (The metal coat is raised by 2mm from the Left Rubber Flat)
Super attacks:
Level 1: “Static Shieldâ€: a shield of electricity that causes the opponent’s bey to gain static electricity and stick to other unwanted friction causing things.
Level 2: “Lightning Horn Rampâ€: a Horn with a smooth slope made of electricity rams the opponent bey and “slopes†it out of the stadium if it hits.
Level 3: “Electric Blade Typhoonâ€: a electric typhoon with electric Berserker Blades popping out every where to hit the opposing bey.
Level X: “Electric Berserker Bladeâ€: Electric Berserker’s version of Samurai’s Infinite Blade except that the sword is made of electricity.
Team attacks:
Team attack 1: “Hydro Shockâ€: Team attack with Hydro Narwhale: First, Narwhale soaks the opposing beys with water, then Berserker zaps them, after that, Narwhale creates a water typhoon that Berserker charges with electricity.
Team attack 2: “Lightning Kantana Diveâ€: Team attack with Silent Samurai: Berserker goes around Samurai as a shield while circling the stadium (like the moon is Berserker, earth is Samurai and the centre of the stadium id the sun) and then Samurai shoots up in the sky, descending with Samurai spinning a kantana charged with lightning and Berserker keeping the opponent bey in one spot by surrounding it with a electric fence.
Team attack 3: “Lava/Lightning Trap Grindâ€: Team attack with Magma Saurian: (possibly the silliest tag-team attack ever) Saurian makes a wall of lava in the shape of [and Berserker creates a wall that looks like], then they trap the opposing beys in between the two walls like this[], then make the wall look like ll, thus creating friction to halt the trapped beys to a complete stop
Team attack X: “Inzori Finaleâ€: Team attack involving all the Team members: first, Narwhale soaks all the opponent beys, next Berserker zaps all of them, while the opponents are distracted by Narwhale and Berserkers team attack, then Narwhale fills the stadium with water at the same time, Saurian releases a flow of lava, trapping the opponent beys in Rock, allowing the entire team the time to do “Infinite Magma Hydro Electric Kantana Attack†without any opposition
Spin direction: Left
Character bio:
Gender: male
Clothes: wears basically the same as all the Inzori except that his cloak is black with yellow thunderbolts, and wears repair goggles.
Black hair, Chinese origin, and 3rd of 4 children
Carries a special touch screen analyzer computer that can scan beys and create strategies according to the opponent’s bey parts and battle strategies for each of the team’s members
Team rank: Tactician
Attitude: a Bey strategist, caring and intelligent.
Age: 14 years old as of March 8, 2011 Name: Rez Inzori
Beyblade: first bey: Inferno Dino BD145 RS ___ final bey: Magma Saurian XGBCH160 RDS
BeyBlade Description:
Face: A T-Red head blowing Flame and the writing DINO on the bottom for Inferno Dino/A T-Rex head with Magma trickling down the side and the writing SAURIAN on the bottom for Magma Saurian. (Color: Brown T-Rex head, red flames/magma, & gold DINO/SAURIAN)
Inferno: the Hasbro Pre-HWS HWS version of SGTO (red and brown)
Magma: Metal version of Heat with rubber in the gaps. (Rubber: red, metal: un-colored)
Dino: a T-Rex in a circle (the T-Rex: brown, the background or other plastic: red)
Saurian: ripples of lava in a circle. (Color: translucent red)
BD145: Hell Kerbecs’ Track. (Translucent red)
XGBCH160: eXtreme Gravity Bowl Change Height 16.0mm – 18.5mm, cross of CH___ and GB145, 4 metal balls on the shell of CH___, the plastic is arranged in a 4 pronged star.
RS: Rubber Sharp. (Color: translucent red, rubber: red)
RDS: Rubber Defense Sharp, a DS made of rubber (Color: red rubber and translucent red for the plastic parts)
Super attacks:
Level 1: “Lava Shieldâ€: Saurian creates a wall of Lava around it to protect it from attacks.
Level 2: “Lava Wipeoutâ€: Saurian creates a wave of lava to cover its opponents.
Level X: “Volcano Graveâ€: Saurian suddenly starts circling the stadium and creates a miniature un-erupted volcano in the middle of the stadium, then when the opponent’s bey is in the volcano’s crater, the volcano explodes, sending the opponent’s bey flying.
Team attacks:
Team attack 1: Magma Kantana Strike: Team attack with Silent Samurai: Refer to “Electric Kantana Dive†team attack with Berserker’s parts replaced by Saurian
Team attack 2: “Lava/Lightning Trap Grind†(possibly the silliest tag-team attack ever) : Team attack with Electric Berserker: Saurian makes a wall of lava in the shape of [and Berserker creates a wall that looks like], then they trap the opposing beys in between the two walls like this[], then make the wall look like ll, thus creating friction to halt the trapped beys to a complete stop
Team attack 3: Rock Strike: Team attack with Hydro Narwhale: Narwhale fills the stadium with at the same time, Saurian releases a flow of lava, trapping the opposing beys in rock, defenseless against a water/magma spear strike.
Team attack X: “Inzori Finaleâ€: Team attack involving all the Team members: first, Narwhale soaks all the opponent beys, next Berserker zaps all of them, while the opponents are distracted by Narwhale and Berserkers team attack, then Narwhale fills the stadium with water at the same time, Saurian releases a flow of lava, trapping the opponent beys in Rock, allowing the entire team the time to do “Infinite Magma Hydro Electric Kantana Attack†without any opposition
Character bio:
Gender: male
Clothes: wears basically the same as all the Inzori except that his cloak is silver with red flames.
Black hair, Chinese origin, and the youngest of 4 children
Team rank: Attack absorber (the shield)
Attitude: very humorous, liked by everyone.
RE: The Dark Planet (accepting character requests) - C-Dub - Mar. 15, 2011
awsomesauce with pizza!!I have a character request:
Namehantom
Bey:MF Haunting Phantom F135 IR2F
Gender:Boy
Side:Good or bad...doesnt reall matter to me as long as he's a main character.
Age:15
Type:Attack,Left spin
Bey Descripton:The face bolt says Phantom across and black surrounding the word.:The energy ring is black wth a little shade of dark purple there are P's on the left and right side of the energy ring with an oval in the middle of the ring and spikes surrounding the P's.The fusion wheel ,Haunting, is like pegasis energy ring with the wings only their stickin out of the side of the fusion wheel and there are 3 like the points of a triangle and in the gaps are little needles about 5 millimeters long sticking out too.The spin track ,F135, stands for fabric and it wobbles so when the opponent tries to attack the track they'll just fall over,but it's a mystery how it supports the fusion wheel,energy ring, and facebolt.The performance tip ,Ir2f,stands for invisibleR2f.If you take it off of the spintrack it becomes visible again.
Personality:Mysterious,dark,doesn't talk much,doesnt really use his full power,trustworthy until u make him mad,he's always cool and contained even when he loses,doesn't love any thing exept his family,friends,and bey.He knows karate and only battles strong opponents.
Looks like:He has black eyes,brown drooping hair like reiji over his right eye,he's about 5'11'',wears all black,black jordans,skinny jeans,black open sweatshirt with a black t-shirt,and black gloves that the UFC fighters wear.
RE: The Dark Planet (accepting character requests) - StaticX - Mar. 15, 2011
(Mar. 15, 2011 2:56 AM)NoodooSoup Wrote: I like the mood you give off, but it feels as if the story is too rushed. In a mere two sentences the character is already doing something else. Try to describe with more detail and spread the story out instead of packing it into a paragraph. Ok I will just take my time on each chapter if that makes my story better. Ill probably redo each chapter.
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