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+--- Thread: The Rupture (/Thread-The-Rupture)
The Rupture - Roan - Feb. 06, 2011
The Rupture
Words spark the synapse and the fields catch fire;
Our own hot air simply fanning the flames
Of all the hidden discontent and ire
That we've managed to mask with other names
And in this moment everything seemed to change
All of the love we had at once ruptured;
Spilled out onto the battlefield in exchange
For ugly sentiments no longer censored
As the dust settles in the aftermath
We're left standing among the barren remains
Feeling nothing but the throbbing of wrath
Pulsing through our fevered and swollen veins
Yet somehow I know, despite the things we've said
Like the fields of fire, this too shall burn away
And when I lie down next to you in bed
All of our negativity is allayed
RE: The Rupture - Light Yagami - Feb. 06, 2011
you are amazing.how to you come up with this stuff.i love it.good job
RE: The Rupture - Zeox - Feb. 06, 2011
Very Nice, but I have one thing of criticism to add
"And in this moment everything seemed to change
All of the love we had at once ruptured;
Spilled out onto the battlefield in exchange
For ugly sentiments no longer censored"
You sort of went off the tempo with this part. There was too many syllables between Ruptured and Censored, that you could not get the Rhyme off to goodly. (Unless the way I am reading it, is not the way you wrote it, aka not the way you visioned for it to be read)
RE: The Rupture - Roan - Feb. 06, 2011
Um... I don't know what you mean about there being too many syllables.
I wrote this in iambic pentameter, where literally every line has to have 10 syllables (though it's acceptable to break to 11 syllables if needed).