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+--- Thread: DARK BEYS:UNLEASHED! (/Thread-DARK-BEYS-UNLEASHED)
DARK BEYS:UNLEASHED! - johnnyo1041 - Jan. 28, 2011
Chapter 1:Bunzo and Ken
//narrarator//The dark bladers was an ancinet gang wich was destroyed by the dark nebula has acculay been hiding forever and now it is released in order to destroy the world.Can Tanosuke and his friends stop them before its too late?
3 2 1..LET IT RIP!Bunzo and Ken Oshiro(twin brothers both age 11) were practicing beyblading at the local beyblading practice building.GO GO GO!Cmon dark crow,you can do it!said Bunzo.GO crow MILLION BEAK SMASH!Brunzos Crow hit Ken's bey,rock tiger in what semmed like a millon beaks smashing upon another bey.NOOOOOOO!Hang in there tiger Ken said.Tiger almost had a stadium out until he activated his special move:Blazing tiger fangs!Tiger looked like a blazing inferno as he spinned faster and faster,flames growing each time.And then it hit crow and knocked it out.Yes!I win Ken said.Good job said Bunzo.You've improved.Ya,I know,tanks replied Ken.Lets go home Ken said.Bunzo nodded his head.
They were walking out of the beyblading building when some mesterious person with a red spiked mohaw and nose ring.He was wearing tattered clothing.He held up a bey launcher and put his bey on it.Fine,said the twins,we'll battle you.The twins held up their launchers and then the countdown started. 3 2 1 LET IT RIP!The twins beys clashed with the enemeys bey.It was a death puma P150,C(P150=Pounce150 and C=Curve).When they made contact in the air,storm tiger and dark crow flew backwards.HA HA HA!You fools!Your beys are weak.Hang in there Tiger,said Ken,You too Crow said Bunzo.Go puma kill them!Death Puma came even faster torwards the two beys.
It made contact with them both and flung them into the air.NOOOOOO!Hang in there said the twins.Then the beys came down still spinning.Now crow,million beak smash!said Bunzo.Tiger blazing tiger fangs!said Ken.They both made contact but had barely any effect.Haaaaa you losers!said they mysterious blader whose name was Okura Yamashita.Now puma DARK MOVE!PUMA DEATH POUNCE!The pumas spin track clamped downwards and it jumped up in the air and came down.The image of a puma with dark gas-like stuff around him.It made contact with both the beys and flung them ito the air.It kept on slashing their beys.STOP IT!Cried Ken.But Okura didnt listen.He then let their beys fall down.They hit the ground and stopped spinning.Puma retrned to Osukra's hand.YOU ARE WEAK!He said.
The twins took their beys and Bunko screamed YOU MONSTER!He had a tear in his eye as he looked at the cracked energey ring.Osukra jumped away and the boys ran home crying.THE END OF CHAPTER 1.
.......Tell me what you think,and im taking requests for new characters............................
RE: DARK BEYS:UNLEASHED! - Temporal - Jan. 28, 2011
There need to be more spaces. Honestly, the punctuation needs work, and there is no overarching storyline. This story could be pretty good, but it needs a lot of cleaning up. Capitalization seems to be a problem too. Sorry, just some constructive criticism.
RE: DARK BEYS:UNLEASHED! - johnnyo1041 - Jan. 29, 2011
There need to be more spaces. Honestly, the punctuation needs work, and there is no overarching storyline. This story could be pretty good, but it needs a lot of cleaning up. Capitalization seems to be a problem too. Sorry, just some constructive criticism.
ya,conscrutive criticism lol.You sound like my english teacher.lol(thats not an insult).and what do you mean by there is no overcatching storyline?