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+--- Thread: Ballad Help (/Thread-Ballad-Help)
Ballad Help - Evan - Sep. 18, 2008
I need some help on the fourth and fifth stanza in this ballad for my creative writing class. This is a very rough draft, and I'd greatly appreciate any help. The ballad has an AABB rhyme scheme, with the last line in each stanza being the same.
This Here Gun, In This Here Town
This is gonna be the place I die
This here the place I lie
This is gonna be where it goes down
This here gun in this here town
This is gonna be the place you wry
This here the place you die
This is gonna be where we both drown
This here gun in this here town
This is gonna be the place I try
This here is my goodbye
This is gonna be where I'm renown
This here gun in this here town
RE: Ballad Help - Bey Brad - Sep. 18, 2008
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
RE: Ballad Help - Evan - Sep. 18, 2008
(Sep. 18, 2008 4:53 AM)Bey Brad Wrote: This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
This
Ballad....repetition is kinda needed
RE: Ballad Help - Bey Brad - Sep. 18, 2008
Repetition in rhyme, not using the same word at the beginning of every single line.
RE: Ballad Help - Evan - Sep. 18, 2008
It flows, and I'd perfer constructive criticism over "This,this,this,this,this". It really doesn't help
RE: Ballad Help - Bey Brad - Sep. 18, 2008
(Sep. 18, 2008 4:55 AM)Evan Wrote: It flows, and I'd perfer constructive criticism over "This,this,this,this,this". It really doesn't help
Starting every line with the same word is lazy. That's my critique.
RE: Ballad Help - Evan - Sep. 18, 2008
(Sep. 18, 2008 4:56 AM)Bey Brad Wrote:(Sep. 18, 2008 4:55 AM)Evan Wrote: It flows, and I'd perfer constructive criticism over "This,this,this,this,this". It really doesn't help
Starting every line with the same word is lazy. That's my critique.
Suggestions please. I can't see any way this would work without it. Keep in mind, I am singing and playing guitar to this.
RE: Ballad Help - Bey Brad - Sep. 18, 2008
Personally, the whole thing reads very awkwardly to me ... my only advice is to start over. This poem is a Wyborg.
RE: Ballad Help - Evan - Sep. 18, 2008
(Sep. 18, 2008 5:02 AM)Bey Brad Wrote: Personally, the whole thing reads very awkwardly to me ... my only advice is to start over. This poem is a Wyborg.
How so, it flows nicely to me. It's kind hard to show the rhythm of the song through typing lol.
And for future reference to everyone, I'm not setting out to make an Epic "Roan" style poem. This is a simple ballad for class, I'm just stuck at the last two stanzas.
RE: Ballad Help - Bey Brad - Sep. 18, 2008
(Sep. 18, 2008 5:04 AM)Evan Wrote:(Sep. 18, 2008 5:02 AM)Bey Brad Wrote: Personally, the whole thing reads very awkwardly to me ... my only advice is to start over. This poem is a Wyborg.
How so, it flows nicely to me. It's kind hard to show the rhythm of the song through typing lol.
And for future reference to everyone, I'm not setting out to make an Epic "Roan" style poem. This is a simple ballad for class, I'm just stuck at the last two stanzas.
In that case, why ask for critique if you will immediately dismiss it? :\
RE: Ballad Help - Evan - Sep. 18, 2008
(Sep. 18, 2008 5:08 AM)Bey Brad Wrote:(Sep. 18, 2008 5:04 AM)Evan Wrote:(Sep. 18, 2008 5:02 AM)Bey Brad Wrote: Personally, the whole thing reads very awkwardly to me ... my only advice is to start over. This poem is a Wyborg.
How so, it flows nicely to me. It's kind hard to show the rhythm of the song through typing lol.
And for future reference to everyone, I'm not setting out to make an Epic "Roan" style poem. This is a simple ballad for class, I'm just stuck at the last two stanzas.
In that case, why ask for critique if you will immediately dismiss it? :\
I'm not dismissing it at all, I was saying it's hard to see the rhythm without hearing it. You haven't given any suggestions other than "it's awkward". That really doesn't help at all.
RE: Ballad Help - Bey Brad - Sep. 18, 2008
I am critiquing what you posted, which is the lyrics, not a song. I don't really feel obligated to give a suggestion when I feel the best course of measure would be to start over.
RE: Ballad Help - Evan - Sep. 18, 2008
Ok, thank you then. I will try, but I will keep this as well.
RE: Ballad Help - Roan - Sep. 18, 2008
(Sep. 18, 2008 5:04 AM)Evan Wrote: And for future reference to everyone, I'm not setting out to make an Epic "Roan" style poem.
I'm sorry but I couldn't help laughing at this.
RE: Ballad Help - Blue - Sep. 18, 2008
I don't mind that repition too much but the scheme is really limiting.
This is gonna be the place I die
the place I lie
This is gonna be where it goes down
With This here gun in this here town
This is gonna be the place you wry
the place you die
This is gonna be where we both drown
With This here gun in this here town
I guess this is my goodbye
I thought I tried
This is gonna be where I'm renown
With This here gun in this here town
i dunno the tried bit isn't perfect, hope that helps.
RE: Ballad Help - Evan - Sep. 18, 2008
Thank you Blue, you've been the only help I've had so far. I'll try and work on this in CA today, with a style similar to what Blue did. I like it, but I have to change the singing a bit for it.
RE: Ballad Help - Evan - Sep. 18, 2008
Please lock this topic, I finished the song. I took all considerations into effect. I'll post a new topic on Wednesday, with a recording as well.