Beyblade Burst: BU (Announcement!) - Dragon Blader Z - Aug. 12, 2022
I know there's already a fanfic for BU, but I'm not copying any beys from their thread, some of the beys names will be original, except for some.
Divine Belial. Nx. Ad-3 (Bell/Bel)
Cyclone Ragnaruk. Gg. Nv-6 (Ranzo)
Machine Titan. Ov. Rv-10 (Tadashi Wanakawa, NEW)
Roar Bahamut. Gg. Mm-10 (Basara/Bashara)
Vanish Fafnir. Tp. Kc-3 (Free)
Ultimate Valkyrie. Lg. V'-9 (Valt)
Guilty Longinus. Kr. MDs-2 (Lui)
Astral Spriggan. Ov. Qt-0 (Shu)
Greatest Raphael. Ov. HXt+' (Rashad)
Prominence Phoenix. Tp. MUn-10 (Phenomeno)
Brave Wyvern. 3A. Vn-> Luxury Gemino. Nx. MVn-8 (Gregory Tomodashi, NEW)
Xiphoid Xcalibur. Xn. Sw'-1 (Xhaka)
Gatling Dragon. Kr. Cm'-10 (Drum)
Chain Kerbeus. Fr. Yr'-6 (Kenny, NEW)
Havoc Balderov. Kr. Fr'-2 (Ben Ishinori, NEW)
Wind Knight. Mn. Bn-6 (Kit)
Rage Helios. 1D. Wh. At-> Conjure Grimour. Ch. Ev'-4 (Gordon Rakadashi, NEW)
Zest Achilles. Il. Qt'-4 (Aiga)
Magma Ifrit. Cq. J+Wv-10 (Ilya)
Story:
Set 4 months after the final events of DB, and Bell Daikokuten stll likes being cocky to his friends, until one night, where fragments of the moon fall from the sky and may have evolved his bey, making him a Lunar Blader, who is more special than normal bladers, but he takes it too seriously, and spirals out of control, will he reform his bond with Belial, or will he continue spiraling out of control, find out on Beyblade Burst: BU
Falling Crest! Moon Fragment!
*Episode begins*
*Bell wakes up*
Bell: HAHAHAHA! Who will battle me today!
*Bell brushes his teeth*
Bell: Now I'm ready for breakfast!
*Jingemon comes in*
Jingemon: Grandson, I have some of your favorite food.
Bell: I already smell it.
*Jingemon and Bell go to the dining room*
*Bell smirks at his grandfather*
Bell: Let's feast!
Jingemon: I also indeed agree to what your saying.
*Bell and Jingemon finish eating breakfast*
Bell: Now that I'm full, bye!
*Bell leaves the dining room*
*Bell goes to the Theater of Hell to record live a special message*
*Bell grins before starting his recording live*
*Bell starts recording live*
Bell: I, the Demon King, now wants one random blader to battle me, if you win, I'll approve you as a worthy opponent, if you lose, you're a coward!
*A couple minutes later, when Bell's recording hits world-wide*
Random: Here I come!
*The random person arrives at the Gates of Hell an hour and a half later*
*Bell activates the trap floor, leading the random person to the Theater of Hell*
Bell: I shall send you crying, running in fear, but you can't hide from me.
Random: I growed up from that saying of yours.
Bell: Really?
Random: I'm not scared of you anymore!
Bell: My Dangerous Belial will beat your bey!
*The battle drone arrives*
Battle Drone: Ready, and set!
*Both bladers took their launching positions and the battle between the two beys began*
Bell/Random: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!
*Both beys were launched, and Jet Uranus instantly took the center, while Dangerous Belial was surrounding it*
Random: Uranus! Jet Defense!
Bell: Belial, find your prey! Dangerous Shoot!
*Uranus was defending against Belial's attack, until Belial broke through, and sent it flying in the air*
Random: Don't give up!
*Jet Uranus lands back in, with perfect stamina, while Belial was wobbling, losing speed*
Bell: You came here to battle me thinking you're strong, but your actually a coward!
Random: I'm not! I'll beat you here right now, Demon King!
Bell: Belial, gain some speed! Dangerous Flash
*Belial's Almight driver tilts until it's flat, and moves to the stadium rim, picking up an incredible pace of speed, leaving a trail of light behind it*
Random: Now, Jet Uranus! Jet Strike!
*Jet Uranus's Atomic driver tilts, moves fast, and straight to Belial*
*Belial hits the stadium wall*
Bell: Come on out! Belial!
Belial: I'll finish them off!
Bell: Ignite and explode! Dangerous Bomber!
*Both beys clash with full power, but the hits were so strong, the stadium exploded with fierce bursts of energy, but Jet Uranus flies into the air, and gets bursted*
Random: W-What?!
Battle Drone: Dangerous Belial with a Burst Finish! Bell Daikokuten is the winner with a score of 2-0!
*Bell laughs and smirks at the random person who battled him*
Bell: What did you say?
*The random person runs away from the Gates of Hell*
Bell: He ended up being a weakling, with no strength, HAHAHAHA!
*Ranzo comes in*
Ranzo: Who is that person that I just saw, running away from here, and crying?
Bell: Another blader I defeated, who wasn't even as strong as me and Belial!
Bell: Me and Belial are the unstoppable blader and bey combo!
Ranzo: Are you really sure? I thought me and Cyclone Ragnaruk were the blader and bey combo?
Bell: NO! You're misunderstanding everything, me and Belial are the strong ones!
Ranzo: Alright, I'll leave you to it.
*Ranzo leaves the Gates of Hell for the day*
*Bell's grandfather, Jingemon Daikokuten comes in*
Jingemon: Bell, are you hungry for some cookies and rice?
Bell: Yes, because I'm so hungry!
*Jingemon and Bell go to the dining room*
Jingemon: Had any progress with Belial today?
Bell: Yeah, I just had defeated a blader I didn't even know!
Jingemon: What was their name?
Bell: They hadn't told me their name.
Jingemon: Anyways, let's just eat!
Bell: Yeah!
*Bell finishes eating dinner with his grandfather*
Bell: I'm so full from the food I ate.
Jingemon: At least, your stomach is filled with food.
*Bell goes to his bedroom to sleep*
Bell: Good night, grandfather.
Jingemon: Bye, Bell!
*Jingemon closes Bell's bedroom door*
*A lunar comet appears falling from the sky, near the Gates of Hell*
*The comet splits into five fragments of colors, red, blue, yellow, purple, and white*
*One of the fragments land at the Gates of Hell's backyard, merging with Belial*
*Back to Bell's bedroom*
Belial: Bell, I'm evolving!
Belial: Bell, LISTEN TO ME!
Bell (in his sleep): Belial, we're the best blader and bey out there.
Next Episode: Lunar Evolution! Divine Belial!
WizardBlader, can you please rate what I have so far?
RE: Beyblade Burst: BU (my version, but character contest soon maybe?) - WizardBlader - Aug. 13, 2022
(Aug. 12, 2022 4:11 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: I know there's already a fanfic for BU, but I'm not copying any beys from their thread, some of the beys names will be original, except for some.
Divine Belial. Nx. Ad-3 (Bell/Bel)
Cyclone Ragnaruk. Gg. Nv-6 (Ranzo)
Machine Titan. Ov. Rv-10 (Tadashi Wanakawa, NEW)
Roar Bahamut. Gg. Mm-10 (Basara/Bashara)
Vanish Fafnir. Tp. Kc-3 (Free)
Ultimate Valkyrie. Lg. V'-9 (Valt)
Guilty Longinus. Kr. MDs-2 (Lui)
Astral Spriggan. Ov. Qt-0 (Shu)
Greatest Raphael. Ov. HXt+' (Rashad)
Prominence Phoenix. Tp. MUn-10 (Phenomeno)
Brave Wyvern. 3A. Vn-> Luxury Gemino. Nx. MVn-8 (Gregory Tomodashi, NEW)
Xiphoid Xcalibur. Xn. Sw'-1 (Xhaka)
Gatling Dragon. Kr. Cm'-10 (Drum)
Chain Kerbeus. Fr. Yr'-6 (Kenny, NEW)
Havoc Balderov. Kr. Fr'-2 (Ben Ishinori, NEW)
Wind Knight. Mn. Bn-6 (Kit)
Rage Helios. 1D. Wh. At-> Conjure Grimour. Ch. Ev'-4 (Gordon Rakadashi, NEW)
Zest Achilles. Il. Qt'-4 (Aiga)
Magma Ifrit. Cq. J+Wv-10 (Ilya)
Story:
Set 4 months after the final events of DB, and Bell Daikokuten stll likes being cocky to his friends, until one night, where fragments of the moon fall from the sky and may have evolved his bey, making him a Lunar Blader, who is more special than normal bladers, but he takes it too seriously, and spirals out of control, will he reform his bond with Belial, or will he continue spiraling out of control, find out on Beyblade Burst: BU
Falling Crest! Moon Fragment!
*Episode begins*
Bell: You came here to battle me thinking you're strong, but your actually a coward!
Random: I'm not! I'll beat you here right now, Demon King!
Bell: Belial, gain some speed! Dangerous Flash
*Belial's Almight driver tilts until it's flat, and moves to the stadium rim, picking up an incredible pace of speed, leaving a trail of light behind it*
Random: Now, Jet Uranus! Jet Strike!
*Jet Uranus's Atomic driver tilts, moves fast, and straight to Belial*
Bell: Come on out! Belial!
Belial: I'll finish them off!
Bell: Ignite and explode! Dangerous Bomber!
*Both beys clash with full power, but the hits were so strong, the stadium exploded with fierce bursts of energy, but Jet Uranus flies into the air, and gets bursted*
Random: W-What?!
Battle Drone: Dangerous Belial with a Burst Finish! Bell Daikokuten is the winner with a score of 2-0!
Bell: What did you say?
*The random person runs away from the Gates of Hell*
WizardBlader, can you please rate what I have so far?
Ill try my best. This does seem nice for a segment of the first chapter. I like the descriptiveness of the actions each beyblade does in battle (I'm a big fan of that in Fan-Fics, and it makes you mentally 'see' what's happening).
It was just a little bit of a fast battle, but since Jet Uranus is a SuperKing beyblade (Correct me if I'm wrong), and Dangerous Belial is a DB beyblade, I can understand the experience gap.
I didn't understand the part when Bell said: "Bell: What did you say?" at the end of the segment. The reason why I didn't understand it, is because I didn't know if it was in response to the: "Random: W-What?!" part, or if it was missing something inbetween.
Other than those things, Ill rate this segment a 7/5 out of 10.
-WizardBlader
RE: Beyblade Burst: BU (my version, but character contest soon maybe?) - Dragon Blader Z - Aug. 13, 2022
(Aug. 13, 2022 4:27 AM)WizardBlader Wrote: (Aug. 12, 2022 4:11 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: I know there's already a fanfic for BU, but I'm not copying any beys from their thread, some of the beys names will be original, except for some.
Divine Belial. Nx. Ad-3 (Bell/Bel)
Cyclone Ragnaruk. Gg. Nv-6 (Ranzo)
Machine Titan. Ov. Rv-10 (Tadashi Wanakawa, NEW)
Roar Bahamut. Gg. Mm-10 (Basara/Bashara)
Vanish Fafnir. Tp. Kc-3 (Free)
Ultimate Valkyrie. Lg. V'-9 (Valt)
Guilty Longinus. Kr. MDs-2 (Lui)
Astral Spriggan. Ov. Qt-0 (Shu)
Greatest Raphael. Ov. HXt+' (Rashad)
Prominence Phoenix. Tp. MUn-10 (Phenomeno)
Brave Wyvern. 3A. Vn-> Luxury Gemino. Nx. MVn-8 (Gregory Tomodashi, NEW)
Xiphoid Xcalibur. Xn. Sw'-1 (Xhaka)
Gatling Dragon. Kr. Cm'-10 (Drum)
Chain Kerbeus. Fr. Yr'-6 (Kenny, NEW)
Havoc Balderov. Kr. Fr'-2 (Ben Ishinori, NEW)
Wind Knight. Mn. Bn-6 (Kit)
Rage Helios. 1D. Wh. At-> Conjure Grimour. Ch. Ev'-4 (Gordon Rakadashi, NEW)
Zest Achilles. Il. Qt'-4 (Aiga)
Magma Ifrit. Cq. J+Wv-10 (Ilya)
Story:
Set 4 months after the final events of DB, and Bell Daikokuten stll likes being cocky to his friends, until one night, where fragments of the moon fall from the sky and may have evolved his bey, making him a Lunar Blader, who is more special than normal bladers, but he takes it too seriously, and spirals out of control, will he reform his bond with Belial, or will he continue spiraling out of control, find out on Beyblade Burst: BU
Falling Crest! Moon Fragment!
*Episode begins*
Bell: You came here to battle me thinking you're strong, but your actually a coward!
Random: I'm not! I'll beat you here right now, Demon King!
Bell: Belial, gain some speed! Dangerous Flash
*Belial's Almight driver tilts until it's flat, and moves to the stadium rim, picking up an incredible pace of speed, leaving a trail of light behind it*
Random: Now, Jet Uranus! Jet Strike!
*Jet Uranus's Atomic driver tilts, moves fast, and straight to Belial*
Bell: Come on out! Belial!
Belial: I'll finish them off!
Bell: Ignite and explode! Dangerous Bomber!
*Both beys clash with full power, but the hits were so strong, the stadium exploded with fierce bursts of energy, but Jet Uranus flies into the air, and gets bursted*
Random: W-What?!
Battle Drone: Dangerous Belial with a Burst Finish! Bell Daikokuten is the winner with a score of 2-0!
Bell: What did you say?
*The random person runs away from the Gates of Hell*
WizardBlader, can you please rate what I have so far?
Ill try my best. This does seem nice for a segment of the first chapter. I like the descriptiveness of the actions each beyblade does in battle (I'm a big fan of that in Fan-Fics, and it makes you mentally 'see' what's happening).
It was just a little bit of a fast battle, but since Jet Uranus is a SuperKing beyblade (Correct me if I'm wrong), and Dangerous Belial is a DB beyblade, I can understand the experience gap.
I didn't understand the part when Bell said: "Bell: What did you say?" at the end of the segment. The reason why I didn't understand it, is because I didn't know if it was in response to the: "Random: W-What?!" part, or if it was missing something inbetween.
Other than those things, Ill rate this segment a 7/5 out of 10.
-WizardBlader
The person said "I'll beat you here right then, Demon King" during the battle.
RE: Beyblade Burst: BU (my version, but character contest soon maybe?) - WizardBlader - Aug. 13, 2022
(Aug. 13, 2022 2:49 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: (Aug. 13, 2022 4:27 AM)WizardBlader Wrote: Ill try my best. This does seem nice for a segment of the first chapter. I like the descriptiveness of the actions each beyblade does in battle (I'm a big fan of that in Fan-Fics, and it makes you mentally 'see' what's happening).
It was just a little bit of a fast battle, but since Jet Uranus is a SuperKing beyblade (Correct me if I'm wrong), and Dangerous Belial is a DB beyblade, I can understand the experience gap.
I didn't understand the part when Bell said: "Bell: What did you say?" at the end of the segment. The reason why I didn't understand it, is because I didn't know if it was in response to the: "Random: W-What?!" part, or if it was missing something inbetween.
Other than those things, Ill rate this segment a 7/5 out of 10.
-WizardBlader
The person said "I'll beat you here right then, Demon King" during the battle.
I see. so Bell's response was meant as a sort of come-back to the earlier statement made by "Random".
Thanks for clearing that up.
-WizardBlader
RE: Beyblade Burst: BU (my version, but character contest soon maybe?) - Dragon Blader Z - Aug. 14, 2022
WizardBlader, the whole first chapter is out! It's pretty long, but long enough to make you read it
RE: Beyblade Burst: BU (my version, but character contest soon maybe?) - WizardBlader - Aug. 14, 2022
(Aug. 14, 2022 3:21 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: WizardBlader, the whole first chapter is out! It's pretty long, but long enough to make you read it
Just finished reading it. I would say, that the story is pretty good. Also, the length of the episode was also nice. It definitely wasn't too long to be boring and monotonous, and it wasn't too short to seem extremely fast-paced.
Review
At the beginning, it did seem a bit unusual. It felt like it went really fast to the main battle. However, it is understandable to not know what to place at the beginning of an episode, especially if there wasn't any actions happening before that episode (Like a first episode of a season).
Also, I would like to give you a tip to make your writing feel a little bit more "alive". It doesn't really need to be followed to the max, (Or at all, really) as it is your Fan Fiction, but it does give your story writing a bit of excitement and life. The tip, is to give the sentences a bit of emotion, or a tone to how they are said by the characters. For example, when Bell defeats "Random". Instead of putting "Bell: What did you say?", it could be like this: "Bell: *scoffs* What did you say?".
It can also be like this:
*Bell grins, and scoffs at Random*
Bell: What did you say?
The two forms I showed above are what I believe to be more descriptive to the line the character says. Again, this is your Fan Fiction, so you don't even have to do this if you don't want to. However, this form of writing can't be placed for every single line of dialogue, as it gets tiring to read for a while, (In my opinion) so it is only added where emotion is needed.
To end off, your Chapter's rating is an 8/10.
-WizardBlader
RE: Beyblade Burst: BU (my version, FIRST CHAPTER IS OUT!) - Dragon Blader Z - Aug. 14, 2022
I'll make a bit of changes, but I'll add your suggestions from your review for the upcoming chapter
RE: Beyblade Burst: BU (my version, FIRST CHAPTER IS OUT!) - WizardBlader - Aug. 14, 2022
(Aug. 14, 2022 4:35 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: I'll make a bit of changes, but I'll add your suggestions from your review for the upcoming chapter
Sounds great! Glad that I was able to help.
-WizardBlader
RE: Beyblade Burst: BU (my version, FIRST CHAPTER IS OUT!) - Dragon Blader Z - Aug. 14, 2022
made a quick change at the part where the battle ended, hopefully, you enjoy it
-Dragon Blader Z
RE: Beyblade Burst: BU (my version, FIRST CHAPTER IS OUT!) - WizardBlader - Aug. 17, 2022
(Aug. 14, 2022 4:40 PM)Dragon Blader Z Wrote: Made a quick change at the part where the battle ended, hopefully, you enjoy it
-Dragon Blader Z
Just finished re-reading the whole thing. It has improved a whole lot more from the first time I read it, and I understood the character's reactions and emotions a whole lot better now.
There were a few past/present/future tense grammar/spelling errors, but it is understandable, so don't worry too much about those.
The Chapter rating should, in my opinion, be a nice, 8.5/10. Nice job!
-WizardBlader
RE: Beyblade Burst: BU (my version, FIRST CHAPTER IS OUT!) - Dragon Blader Z - Oct. 15, 2022
Sorry for not posting a lot because of school, but here I am again
Lunar Evolution! Divine Belial
*Bell wakes up the next morning*
*Bell yawns and looks at Belial, but didn't realize he evolved, until he looked again*
Bell: Wait, is this a dream? Wahhhhhhhhhh, no it isn't
*Bell also notices a strange watch fused with his wrist permanently*
Bell: WHAT IS THIS?
???: I'm your DynaCrest wrist watch.
Bell: How do you even work anyway?
DynaCrest: Just speak a command to me and I'll send you loads of information about it, but there is more.
Bell: Like what?
DynaCrest: I can give you time limits on things you worry about.
Bell: Of course you do, all machines do that because of code!
DynaCrest: But also, I can give you data on your bey, all you have to do is scan your bey, so it can travel through my database.
Bell: Well finally at least, there is something useful with you.
*Bell scans his bey into the DynaCrest wrist watch*
DynaCrest: Bey Information: Unknown, but disc is Nexus, armor is 3, and driver is Adventure.
Bell: Ok, but why can't you find my bey's name?
DynaCrest: It seems a powerful energy has surpassed my database, and I can't assume the name.
Bell: Ok, then what should I name my bey by?
Dynacrest: Good names could be Dynasty, Darkness, or D.....
Bell: I found one, Divine!
DynaCrest: Ok, that is wonderful! You did a great job!
Bell: I shall battle instantly with my new evolved bey!
DynaCrest: You have to find an opponent first though.
Bell: Ok.
*Bell brushes his teeth and eats breakfast*
*Bell grabs Basara because he was nearby outside*
Basara: LET GO OF ME! Oh it's you, Bell, sorry.
Bell: You should be aware already of the Demon King's sneaky surprises!
Basara: I know, but you are clearly doing this in the morning.
Bell: Anyways, follow me, we are going to battle!
Basara: Sure, just never do this again.
Bell: Alright, alright.
*Bell and Basara arrive at the Gates of Hell five minutes later*
*Basara notices Belial is looking strange*
Basara: Did Belial evolve?
Bell: Yes, if you clearly notice it.
Basara: Ok, but what did you name him?
Bell: Divine Belial.
Basara: I couldn't think of a name ever such as that.
*Bell starts recording the battle live*
Bell: HAHAHAHAHA, welcome everyone! Today, I'm going to defeat Basara Suiryu!
Basara: Prepare to recieve a taste of defeat!
Bell: The Demon King never loses to one of his rivals!
*The battle drone arrives*
Battle Drone: Ready, and set!
Bell/Basara: 3, 2, 1, GO SHOOT!
*Both bladers took their launching positions, and the battle between the two beys began*
*Bahamut circles around the center area, while Belial is surrounding Bahamut*
Bell: Belial, let's start first! Adventure Shoot!
Basara: Bahamut, we'll showcase our new special move! Circling Uproar!
*Belial performs a barrage of attacks to Bahamut, but Bahamut barely budges*
*Bell hears Belial's voice*
Belial: I'm in the need of tasting the glory of victory again, Bell.
Bell: I understand that, Belial, but you're going to hold on for a minute.
Belial: As long as I win, I'll be happy.
*Belial's voice fades away*
Basara: Now! Moment Whirlwind!
*Bahamut hits the stadium wall, and is sent flying into the air, but just to create the perfect circle*
Bell: Belial, let's finish their luck!
*Belial is being summoned*
Belial: We'll end their shenanigans!
Bell: Fly and hit them! Divine Dive!
*Belial hits the stadium wall, and is flying into the air, over Bahamut, smashes Bahamut into the stadium floor, and Bahamut gets bursted*
Basara: At least, me and Bahamut tried our best.
Battle Drone: Divine Belial with a Burst Finish! With a score of 2-0, Bell Daikokuten wins!
*Bell smirks at Basara, and Basara smiles back*
also new chapter isnt that short, there is more
RE: Beyblade Burst: BU (my version, this fanfic is back!) - Dragon Blader Z - Oct. 25, 2022
I have a very important announcement,
From now on, my chapters will be on wattpad
RE: Beyblade Burst: BU (Announcement!) - Dragon Blader Z - Oct. 26, 2022
it will take a while for the next chapter to release because I'm not used to wattpad yet
RE: Beyblade Burst: BU (Announcement!) - Dragon Blader Z - Jan. 15, 2023
https://www.wattpad.com/story/331540188?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_writing&wp_page=create_preview&wp_uname=DragonWBO&wp_originator=GKoOp0LWchk20tp67DsLUKvFcqJSXYwNIaklJ8IRERoGvqskvjmsQO1xz01BoEl%2FmatzPqf%2BUshk5NS5tjffW9oLArzgx6ilADzgJqDTMeuIZmHWroKzph%2FeSb4iO5h4
The story finally came out after 3 months!
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