(Feb. 03, 2011  10:18 PM)Deikailo Wrote: As per your request to critique, here I go:

Post 1:
You shouldn't open with only a noun and a verb unless it's something that will catch your reader completely off guard. The first sentence is often the most powerful and as much as that sentence can be powerful, I think you can do better.

First you looked up at the "sun blazing in the sky" but the moon is also "full and beautiful"? Also, you used "begin/began" thrice in two sentences. Should avoid as much repetition as possible.

If you're writing from a first person perspective, a good habit to get into is to completely engulf yourself in the world you imagine. For example, you want to explain every key detail you can. You want to give the reader enough information to drag them in, too, but leave out enough to keep the story's focus. If you're down an alley, I don't want to hear about that trash can, but I may want to know about the slimy rat that squeeled when it heard the echo of your foodsteps and the odor of 3 week old turkey lingering in the air. I want to know that that smell was so bad that you canceled your dinner date.

Most people never use enough detail so it's safer to have too much than too little. You want to use a ton of similes and metaphors because that helps your audience sympathize with you setting.

Remember to keep in touch with all five sense. Although sight is the most commonly used sense, smell is actually the most rememberable. I know if someone tells me "morning dew and fresh cut grass" I'm imediately thinking farm or suburban lawn. If you say "cold air thrashing my lungs", I could only imagine you're in a blizzard.

But back onto your work: "Strange, to be having such calm thoughts". That's something you should add in after you explain your thoughts. You made the assumption that we can understand the main character's thoughts, but as a writer, you have to take us into that world. Don't let us assume anything that that character feels because I have no idea what it feels like to know that my fate is sealed and all that I know is about to be gone.

Don't be so specific with names. You name your combo, your bey, launcher grip, etc. The Beyblade community knows what you're after, yeah, but not a general audience. I challenge you to use description instead of names until a character asks what it is. I also challenge you to not make a character ask for the sake of saying the name.

"It was a crisp autumn day, and the air had a faint chill" is an extremely vague statement. Try doing something more like "The aroma of changing leaves was captured in the howling wind along with the voice of my jeering rival." Of course, this isn't the best way to write this out, but do you see how the setting introduces another character by that means?

"And after a few seconds of contact, that was where my opponents blade ended up." Pretend I don't know Beyblade and explain what was the "contact" and where "that" is. Assuming you mean the sky, "what goes up, must come down" so walk me through the coming down part. Also, "ended up" is very non descriptive.

(Feb. 03, 2011  11:57 PM)Deikailo Wrote: No, I'm dyslexic. I can't even read books.

(Feb. 04, 2011  3:13 AM)Deikailo Wrote: Yeah. In the case of his story, I have to highlight everything to distingush each sentence.

I had a part of my brain removed when I have five so I have a lot of weird quirks. It's a processing issue from that.

(Feb. 08, 2011  3:02 AM)Sparta Wrote: I think I may be leaving, NOT QUITTING, beyblade. I'm tired of the game and the drags like losing parts and emptying my parents wallets for spinning tops. Besides, it's probably bad when your parents, your brother, even your friends either say you're obssesed (parents) and that I need to get a life (friends)...........


so I may be leaving soon......


for good.....