(Feb. 14, 2011  2:56 AM)GaHooleone Wrote: Gah. Too much suspense. I'm waiting for the actual battle... And 'lone wolf' is a hint to his bit beast. Wolf, amirite?

(Feb. 14, 2011  3:27 AM)GaHooleone Wrote: You use foreshadowing quite well. However, I wouldn't recommend using so much suspense in your episodes. It keeps people on the edge of their seats, but it also sends people away if you use too much of it. You have 2 episodes before the match with Ryouma, mostly filler. Plus don't forget that people must also wait the number of days that is unspecified to see these episodes in the first place. If anything, unless you add something to the plot (ex: a new team, member, special character and battle etc.), it is recommended to only use one filler at a time, and not many fillers at once. The plot is key.

Some small grammar errors. 'Well, Ryouma, We've found you're missing contestant' That's a big one. First comma is not needed, capitalization problem and wrong use of word (your, not you're).

When the announcers describe the bladers, you left the more experienced blader's description a bit lacking. You have 'the young unknown clawing his way to victory (just said victor)' and then just 'an experienced blader'. What about 'the reigning champion who is loved by all and slanted to win this'?

Remember to keep in touch with all five sense. Although sight is the most commonly used sense, smell is actually the most rememberable. I know if someone tells me "morning dew and fresh cut grass" I'm imediately thinking farm or suburban lawn. If you say 'thousands glared', I could only imagine you're in a large crowd.

Most people never use enough detail so it's safer to have too much than too little. You want to use a ton of similes and metaphors because that helps your audience sympathize with your setting.

'He approached the extremely large dish in the center of the stadium.' A bit vague. What about 'as he slowly stepped towards the large beystadium, placed for all to behold when fierce battles occurred.'?

'He wore his prep school...' Let's say the reader doesn't know what it looks like (which we don't, you never described it). Remember, too much detail is better than too little. Describe the uniform, maybe something unique about it, like his shirt tucked out, ruffled collar, or maybe a piece of jewelry.

You've made Reiiji very smug as of late. 'Smug' seems to be often with 'Reiiji. I thought he was the poor boy on the street who got a lucky break. Why so smug? What about him less confident because of his opponent's reputation, or maybe unsure of himself? (That would lead to a good filler + random battle as a plot element to help him overcome his weakness.) I understand the receptionist incident, with him being smug. But what about him responding to Ryouma, why smug then. How about 'retorted defiantly' instead of 'replied smugly'?

Building on how he is a 'street urchin', how is he able to pay the director a couple of 50 yen? He doesn't have any money for a hotel, so he asks to sleep at the society. Makes sense. Then how can he pay the director enough for a one night stay in a motel? Remember, your theme is beyblades and realism (poverty, bottom up, etc.), so try to keep it as real a bey story as possible.

For now, that's all I can see. If you want, I'll critique your next chapter. Your story is great, this critique is mostly nitpicking, but it's all constructive. Your story is better than most out there, so don't feel down about this critique if you do. Please continue, I am a fan of this story!

EDIT: Upon reading your comment, it's probably Eagle (solo + flight), next guess is Phoenix. It's Eagle for sure, amirite now?

(Feb. 15, 2011  4:02 AM)bladerman Wrote: Love your stories, I have a character request
her name is Alice
beyblade is Burn Libra 105wd
earnest hard working girl who loves beyblade, her and libra enjoy a heated battle after battling the main character she starts to secretly like him
her special move is burn libra heated tornado
PEACE OUT BLADERS!

(Feb. 19, 2011  2:49 AM)NightWolf7919 Wrote: Look, my thread is not a chatroom. First off, storm dranzer, don't put words in my mouth...Second off if anyone had a problem with what he posted, they should have taken it up with a private message, not post it on my thread. And finally, if you don't have anything to say even remotely relevant to the story, then don't post here

(Feb. 19, 2011  2:49 AM)NightWolf7919 Wrote: Look, my thread is not a chatroom. First off, storm dranzer, don't put words in my mouth...Second off if anyone had a problem with what he posted, they should have taken it up with a private message, not post it on my thread. And finally, if you don't have anything to say even remotely relevant to the story, then don't post here