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+--- Thread: A Brave New World (Beyblade Story)-Re-Editing And Finishing At Long Last (/Thread-A-Brave-New-World-Beyblade-Story-Re-Editing-And-Finishing-At-Long-Last)
RE: My Story: A Brave New World - Janstarblast - Jan. 22, 2011
awesome!! How in the world do you make such great stories???? Well I was quite disappointed that Chap 10 is the end of A brave new World........ but you shock me once again saying that you are gonna continue the story with a new title!!! A Black Sun is what I wait for next morning!! I know its not gonna be up tomorrow, but I just relate the new title with the real, blazing sun!!!! Thats all!!!
RE: My Story: A Brave New World - C-Dub - Jan. 22, 2011
good chapter man
RE: My Story: A Brave New World - Sparta - Jan. 22, 2011
Thanks guys!! Btw part 1 was called the blader, but the story as a whole is a brave new world....
Just wanted to clear that up. Next chapter next weekend
RE: My Story: A Brave New World - MaximumX - Jan. 27, 2011
OK, it's been close to a week, and we have another snow day. Update?
RE: My Story: A Brave New World - Sparta - Jan. 28, 2011
Maybe............
RE: My Story: A Brave New World - Sparta - Jan. 31, 2011
HERE IT IS!!! THE LONG ANTICIPATED PART 2 OF A BRAVE NEW WORLD! THE BLACK SUN!!!! Chapter 1: Black Dranzer and Secret Pegasus-1st paragraph from a different guys POV, then from there on back 2 Ethan.
*From ???'s POV*
I sat there, in the dark room, images of all of...HIS battles displayed on the screen. I was their secret weapon. Their ultimate pride and joy. Even Brooklyn would come to fear me. I was trained specifically to battle and destroy......HIM. I was his perfect counter, his dark side, his most feared enemy...........I was his worst nightmare. I looked at the bey in my hands and smiled. Soon, I thought. Soon.
Now Ethan YYYYAAAAAAAY!
BEEP!!!! BEEP!!!! BEEP!!!!!! I awoke to the annoying sound of Jin's annoying alarm clock going off at 4 AM. God how did he get up so early? I slammed my fist onto his alarm, cracking the thing in half. "Ha." I muttered under my breath. "That should end that" I quietly got up and got dressed, careful not to disturb Christian, on the bunk on top of me, sleeping soundly. Then, when I was dressed, I leaned in close to his ear, waited for a second, then shouted at the top of my lungs "WAKE UP WE HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH!!!!!" "AHHHHHH!!!!!" He screamed, almost jumping at the frightening wake-up call I gave him. We were at my house, now the Blade Revolutions main headquarters. We were all headed to Russia, back to my old village to see what was left of it, and to find clues about the Black Suns base, so we could end them once and for all. It had been almost a year since I battled Brooklyn, and Jin, Christian and I had become great teammates. We trained hard, shared laughs, and became great allis. "Where's Jin?" Christian asked, finishing packing his bags. "He's outside" I said. "He likes to play the lone wolf a lot, you know that" I zipped up my jacket. "But HE packed his bags last night, so he has good reason to relax. YOU, on the other hand, JUST STARTED!" He put on a wooly coat. "But I'm ready now!" He said. I smiled. "Then The Blade Revolutions are ready to go!" We grabbed our bags and went outside into the cool, refreshing, early morning autumn air. It had a brisk feel to it, like a sip of cold water. Yet warm, from the rising sun. I looked to my left, where Jin appeared, ready to go. "Good," I said. "That's everyone accounted for. LEEEEEEEEEET'S ROOLL!!"
"Attention passengers," The flight attendant said. "We are preparing for landing in Moscow, Russia. The temperature is currently 12 degrees Fahrenheit, and the weather is cloudy with snow flurries.. The captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign, so please return your seats to the upright and lock position. Thank you for flying Air Russia, and enjoy your stay!" I buckled my seat belt and Jin put his seat upright again. I turned to my team. "This is it guys" I said. "Our first step in a long journey." They nodded. I looked out the frosted window out at the city illuminated in the darkness. Yeah, I thought. A long journey. We landed, and we all got out and grabbed our luggage. We were just leaving the air port when a voice stopped me. "Just where do you think your going?" It said. I turned, and a person jumped down from the ceiling. He was wearing a black mask, and his hair was died a dark blue (it was easy to tell it was died.....). Although he didn't look familiar, his VOICE did..........hmph. I kept a straight face none-the-less. "Our business is our own" I said calmly. He laughed. "My name is.............pegasus, and I challenge you to a beyblade match. Ethan" We all gasped. "He.....he knew your name!" Christian whispered. I tried my best to hid my surprise. "I don't accept battles from eager-beaver stranger bladers with names that resemble mythical creatures." I said. He looked into my eyes.......I knew I knew those eyes! But from where? "I'm no stranger." He said. "You know who I am. You just don't remember me. Yet"
Well, waddaya think?? COMMENT!!!!! AND VOTE!!!!! Thx
RE: My Story: A Brave New World - Light Yagami - Jan. 31, 2011
awesome
RE: My Story: A Brave New World - C-Dub - Jan. 31, 2011
Super awesome suspense with alot of friendship
RE: My Story: A Brave New World - Ga' - Jan. 31, 2011
It's his 'dead' brother. amirite?
RE: My Story: A Brave New World - Sparta - Jan. 31, 2011
I plead the 5th
RE: My Story: A Brave New World - Ga' - Jan. 31, 2011
Lol. I'm rite. Or it's a random character.
RE: My Story: A Brave New World - ('.') - Feb. 01, 2011
yo dude i <3 the story !!!!! and i have a character and i hope u could put him in please
[Image: Image1.png]
he is a high spirited blader but mysterious partner mf flame Pegasus d125 wd stamina type (sm triforce )
RE: My Story: A Brave New World - Sparta - Feb. 01, 2011
WOOF!!! To avoid this going on to the next page, here is chapter 2: The Evil Within
last paragraph will feature ???'s POV again.
I looked into Pegasus's emerald eyes, glistening in the early morning light. They were too familiar! But from WHERE? Ahh! I raised my launcher. "FINE! I'll take you on. But when I crush and defeat you, you have to reveal your identity" He laughed. "Sure, whatever" He narrowed his gaze. "But I won't lose" He raised his completely blue launcher. "But if you lose, you and your buddies will have to catch the next flight back to loser-ville" I attached Dranzer. "Talk is cheap. Care to try me?" He smiled. "I'd be happy to" He attached his bey, which looked to be a weird Metal Wheel made of a really heavy metal alloyed that closely resembled Thermal, Pegasus 130 SD. His entire bey shone in a brilliant blue, like.....like.........like WHO'S old eyes? Agh! I don't care I thought. Who cares about this nobody? I'll put him in his place soon enough. Dranzer's energy surrounded me, and I was ready to battle. However, Christian and Jin didn't look ready to back me up. "Don't battle!" Christian exclaimed. "We know nothing about this guy, and we have more important matters to attend to" "You have to listen to Christian" Jin added. "He makes a valid point" I frowned. "So you guys aren't gonna back me up?" They nodded, and I growled. "No! I refuse to back down from any challenged!" "Ethan, no!" Christian shouted. "Listen to reason! You're letting your emotions and your conscience get the best of you!" But I was ignoring them now. I was going to battle, with or without my teammates support. Pegasus laughed. "How intriguing," He said. "Yah Ethan, listen to your pals. After all, it will save you from embarrassing yourself as I trash your bey" That was it. Something in me snapped right then and there. I had had it with this guy. He knew how to get under my skin, and he did. The red aura around me became a darker, blood red, and my eyes became little embers. "THAT'S IT!!!" I screamed, drawing the attention of everyone in the airport. "YOU ARE TOAST!" We counted down, and launched. In the middle of the airport! Dranzer wasted no time at all at going on the attack. He tore and clashed at Secret Pegasus, who was being pushed back. But despite Dranzers rapid attacks, Pegasus seemed surprisingly calm. He chuckled. "If that's the best you can do," He antagonized. "You're way out of your league" The dark red energy became a night black. "Ethan?" Jin asked. "Are you ok?" Suddenly the energy was channeled directly into my bey, and it shook with power. "AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" I screamed. The next words that came out of my mouth were unreal, and I felt like it wasn't even me saying them. "Dark Move," I began. "BLACK SOL FIRE COMET!!!!" Dranzer went up like for a normal attck, but the emblem that flashed was different somehow.........then a black fire tore out from Dranzer in ripples of power, beginning to destroy the airport. People fled in ever which direction, screaming and clearly avoiding me. "Ethan!" Christian shouted. "What are you doing!" I only screamed louder, and Dranzers mid-air assault continued. And Pegasus actually looked surprised by this. "So in the end Brooklyn did it" He said calmly. "Interesting. Alright now Secret Pegasus!" His bey soared up at Dranzer. "Special Move!" He cried. "Radiant aura-" "NOW DRANZER!" I shouted, interrupting his special move. Dranzer formed a dark ball of energy around himself, then he dove into the ground, creating a blast so powerfull the entire airport exploded. The attack claimed numerous planes as its' victims. A black light burst through the place and shook it to pieces. Then, slowly, the attack stopped. And with it, so did..................Dranzer. Suddenly a dark shadow drained from my body, leaving me to fall as I blacked out. "Ethan!" Christian cried, and Jin grabbed me. Meanwhile, Pegasus was nowhere in sight. He was gone.
When I finally came to, I was on the floor of what was left of the airport, my clothes scattered rags of what they once were. I was in terrible shape, and I felt as though I had been hit by a truck full of porcupines. I sat up, and my teammates were on either side of me. To my horror, I surveyed the carnage that I had caused. I blinked back a tear. "Did I-...." I asked my teammates, willing them to lie, to tell a different story, how this was not my fault. To my dismay, they nodded. And I cried.
Now ???'s POV
As I returned to my body, I held the bey in my hands again. I almost smiled. Brooklyn and Pegasus had done their jobs for me. Now, the time was right. As if to assure me, the door to my cramped room opened, and Boris entered. "Now is the time," He said. "You are ready, my warrior. Destroy him. Destroy-Ethan" I licked my lips and smiled. I'm going to kill you I thought to myself. Black Dranzer and I.
Comment and vote por favor!!!!
(Feb. 01, 2011 1:05 AM)death unicorn Wrote: yo dude i <3 the story !!!!! and i have a character and i hope u could put him in please
[Image: Image1.png]
he is a high spirited blader but mysterious partner mf flame Pegasus d125 wd stamina type (sm triforce )
I don't have any room......unless he is a mechanic which I'm guessing wasn't your intention.......
and I kinda already have a pegasus.........
RE: My Story: A Brave New World - C-Dub - Feb. 01, 2011
coolio chaptr w/ super suspense!!!
RE: My Story: A Brave New World - Sparta - Feb. 01, 2011
(Feb. 01, 2011 3:56 AM)C-Dub Wrote: coolio chaptr w/ super suspense!!!
Muchas Gracias! Snow day today!! AGAIN!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!
RE: A Brave New World (Beyblade Story) - MaximumX - Feb. 01, 2011
I know who pegasus is! It's-
RE: A Brave New World (Beyblade Story) - Sparta - Feb. 01, 2011
(Feb. 01, 2011 9:37 PM)DrigerMV Wrote: I know who pegasus is! It's-
OKOK! Now you know my shame. Pegasus is Donald Trump! Boohooo!
RE: A Brave New World (Beyblade Story) - C-Dub - Feb. 01, 2011
(Feb. 01, 2011 11:43 PM)Sparta Wrote:(Feb. 01, 2011 9:37 PM)DrigerMV Wrote: I know who pegasus is! It's-
OKOK! Now you know my shame. Pegasus is Donald Trump! Boohooo!
really...that's aquard:\
RE: A Brave New World (Beyblade Story) - Sparta - Feb. 02, 2011
(Feb. 01, 2011 11:50 PM)C-Dub Wrote:(Feb. 01, 2011 11:43 PM)Sparta Wrote:(Feb. 01, 2011 9:37 PM)DrigerMV Wrote: I know who pegasus is! It's-
OKOK! Now you know my shame. Pegasus is Donald Trump! Boohooo!
really...that's aquard:\
I was jking......but yah u noz it tht is rele akward....
RE: A Brave New World (Beyblade Story) - Sparta - Feb. 03, 2011
I've decided to make the next chapter: Yaaaay! Chapter 3: Heaven And Hell
I sat there, dumbstruck, tears rolling down my cheeks. I was shocked. Did I really do this? Was it me that caused this? Christian and Jin were on either side of me, both wearing solid expressions. I looked at Jin, then at Christian. I took in a deep breath, forcing myself to calm down. At least everyone had escaped before anyone got hurt. Yah, I thought. At least no one was hurt. My tears stopped but I still felt terrible. And during the battle-I didn't feel like myself....I felt.....possessed. I told all of this to Christian and Jin, and they both went deep into thought. "Well," Christian started, breaking the awkward silence. "That very well might be. Maybe you were possessed!" "That's not possible!" Jin scolded. "People can't be taken over!" His expression then faded. "Still, it's not like you to lose your cool like THAT in battle...." I nodded. "Well, let's get out of here. We should continue our mission. C'mon." We all stood up as the sun rose over the frozen tundra of siberia to the east. It shone like a ray of hope. That maybe our searching would bear fruit. We headed out, to what remained of my old village.
*???'s POV*
The time is right I thought, licking my lips. I will finally destroy Ethan Nightly, and his pathetic excuses for bladers........eugh, friends. I hated the term. It meant nothing. There is no one you can truly rely on, but yourself and your beyblade. I stood up for the first time in years. It felt good to stretch my legs. But the real warm-up would begin when I destroyed that team......the Bey Revolutions. Everything was in place. The pawns had made their moves and no longer mattered. On this bored, I was the King. I ruled. I was the ultimate beyblader-the best in the world!
*Now Ethan
*The blizzard began. At first, the weather was just cold and cloudy. Nothing. We decided it was as good a time as ever to begin our journey across the barren wastelands to get to my town. But when we had made good progress, about halfway there, it began to flurry. We weren't worried, so we trekked on. Then that flurry became a solid snow. Then a storm. Then, the wind picked up, and ice began to fall as well. Before we knew it, a full on blizzard had begun. The ice stung our faces and the cold bit at our faces and extremities. But we didn't stop. We trudged onward, using our arms to shield our faces from the chunks of ice. The first to falter was Jin. We were all going slow, but Jin began to really slow down. Soon, he was really far behind. Christian and I stopped to wait for him, but when he caught up and we continued, he fell. Face first in the snow, showing signs of fatigue. "C'mon," Said Christian. "It's time to stop. Let's dig a hole and make camp for the night. We'll continue tomorrow" I looked down. "No" I said. Christian looked shocked. "I'm not going to stop, not until I get there. With or without you" Christians expression turned to anger. "Fine!" He said. "Then you'll go alone. Fine by me. But if you die of frostbite out there, don't say I didn't warn you" I didn't look at him. "Fine then" I responded. "See you guys later" As Christian began to dig a deep hole for Jin and him to take shelter in, I continued on. My ragged and frostbitten body was exhausted. I was at my lowest ebb. But I never stopped. I continued to work my way through the ever-growing heaps of snow, at one point, I grabbed Dranzer with my frostbitten hands and spun him in the snow. "Dranzer," I moaned weakly. "Make a fire and heat us up" Dranzer obeyed, and I warmed my hands for a second. Unfortunately, as the ice began to melt under Dranzer, it peeled back to reveal....I was on a lake! The ice gave way to water, and it lapped at my feet. Frantic, I snatched dranzer and ran towards an old abandoned, burned down town in the distance. Wait a minute.....it was my village! Renewed with courage, I ran faster than ever, racing towards what remained of my home. The water was catching up, but I just outran it-to arrive at my village-the place where beyblading originated. I panted, and took shelter from the weakening blizzard in a house nearby that was barely charred. I waited out the storm for another hour, warming up again with a fire Dranzer made (how convienent-the house had fire-starter and logs!). When it stopped, I went outside......only to find yet another hooded figure standing on a cliff. He jumped down and approached me. "Who are you?!" I shouted. He laughed, a menacing, evil laughed. "Fool," He said in a voice that sounded very similar to mine, only deeper. "I..............am you" I gasped. "What?!" I said. "Tha-that's impossible!" He smiled. "I am your dark half, your evil twin so to speak. I was created in a lab to almost resemble you. My name.......is Kelven," He pulled out a bey that looked exactly like Dranzer, only black where Dranzer was blue. "And this is my bey: Black Dranzer!"
What a loooong chapter! Welp, don't forget to comment and vote!
RE: A Brave New World (Beyblade Story) - Light Yagami - Feb. 03, 2011
awesome
RE: A Brave New World (Beyblade Story) - C-Dub - Feb. 03, 2011
BEAST chapter!!!
RE: A Brave New World (Beyblade Story) - Sparta - Feb. 03, 2011
Thanks guys!
RE: A Brave New World (Beyblade Story) - ('.') - Feb. 03, 2011
yaaa can't wait 4 my guy 2 come in !!!
RE: A Brave New World (Beyblade Story) - Deikailo - Feb. 03, 2011
As per your request to critique, here I go:
Post 1:
You shouldn't open with only a noun and a verb unless it's something that will catch your reader completely off guard. The first sentence is often the most powerful and as much as that sentence can be powerful, I think you can do better.
First you looked up at the "sun blazing in the sky" but the moon is also "full and beautiful"? Also, you used "begin/began" thrice in two sentences. Should avoid as much repetition as possible.
If you're writing from a first person perspective, a good habit to get into is to completely engulf yourself in the world you imagine. For example, you want to explain every key detail you can. You want to give the reader enough information to drag them in, too, but leave out enough to keep the story's focus. If you're down an alley, I don't want to hear about that trash can, but I may want to know about the slimy rat that squeeled when it heard the echo of your foodsteps and the odor of 3 week old turkey lingering in the air. I want to know that that smell was so bad that you canceled your dinner date.
Most people never use enough detail so it's safer to have too much than too little. You want to use a ton of similes and metaphors because that helps your audience sympathize with you setting.
Remember to keep in touch with all five sense. Although sight is the most commonly used sense, smell is actually the most rememberable. I know if someone tells me "morning dew and fresh cut grass" I'm imediately thinking farm or suburban lawn. If you say "cold air thrashing my lungs", I could only imagine you're in a blizzard.
But back onto your work: "Strange, to be having such calm thoughts". That's something you should add in after you explain your thoughts. You made the assumption that we can understand the main character's thoughts, but as a writer, you have to take us into that world. Don't let us assume anything that that character feels because I have no idea what it feels like to know that my fate is sealed and all that I know is about to be gone.
Don't be so specific with names. You name your combo, your bey, launcher grip, etc. The Beyblade community knows what you're after, yeah, but not a general audience. I challenge you to use description instead of names until a character asks what it is. I also challenge you to not make a character ask for the sake of saying the name.
"It was a crisp autumn day, and the air had a faint chill" is an extremely vague statement. Try doing something more like "The aroma of changing leaves was captured in the howling wind along with the voice of my jeering rival." Of course, this isn't the best way to write this out, but do you see how the setting introduces another character by that means?
"And after a few seconds of contact, that was where my opponents blade ended up." Pretend I don't know Beyblade and explain what was the "contact" and where "that" is. Assuming you mean the sky, "what goes up, must come down" so walk me through the coming down part. Also, "ended up" is very non descriptive.