(May. 28, 2011  2:14 AM)BillyBlast Wrote:

(May. 27, 2011  8:31 PM)NoodooSoup Wrote: Try to make it flow better. The dialogue seems very unrealistic. How would he not know it was his own sister's birthday, it's been like that for all their life.

Tip #1: When you use words, use them properly. I don't know why, but I feel like you used the word gracefully to make it look good, but then when you read it, it makes no sense whatsoever.

Tip #2: When the same person is talking, there is no need to start a new line. So it could have been,
"Fine mom," Aku moaned. He walked over to where his sister was sleeping. "Wake up, Leana!" he yelled, shaking her so she could wake up.
You see what's in bold? Yeah, what you wrote made it seem like they were in the same room, or he teleported.

Tip #3: Stay in the same tense. You went from "she walks" (which is present tense) to "slapped as hard as she could" (which is past tense).

Tip #4: Learn the difference between to, too, and two. Two is a number, to is not.

Tip #5: You're incorrectly using the ellipsis (the "..."), it wasn't necessary in that sentence.

Tip #6: Don's use so many parentheses. Instead of putting this:
When they opened them they found the both got new beyblades.( Leana- Ray Sagitario 85CS Aku- Basalt Reaper UW145SF)
You could have put this:
When they opened their gifts, they found they had both gotten similar things; Beyblades. Leana could tell by the shape of the parts that she had gotten a Ray Sagitatio 85CS, and that Aku got a Basalt Reaper UW145SF.

I hope you use the advice I gave you to make your story much better.

thta seems a bit harsh people ctitic stories so hard now instead of saying awesome and stuff
I would like be in breaker apparently im bad at doing stories (criticd)

CHARacTER REQUEST

Name: Billy Draco
Bey: Volcanic Fico CH230 MD/F
Volcanic: Similar to hell but smaller and RED and the protusion are upper contact points
Fico: spins either direction can switch in mid battle by further explanation
Change Height 230: from 145 to 230 230 is Stamina casually mode and 145 is atack mode
MetalDefense/Flat MD casually but when switched to attack mode goes to MF
Gimmicks: okay 230 MD stamina 145 MF attack spin direction of choice usually changing it between attack and stamina modes and FIco normal face bolt creates FLAMES that force the opponent to to you like a chain except he is trying to pull the chainn back connected to the opponent's Bey like trying to get your rope back conncetied to someones heart stopping their spin or spin stealing
Special: Moves Flame Firechain above the chain
ERUPTION STRIKE ups the opponent in the air and furiously uses stamina to blow fire up hitting the opponent
Burning BLAST Signiture move : inn stamina gains so much power mus release it goes to attack furiously attacling the other bey then shotting a Fire Bullet then attacking one more time sorry for long request oh the person

Billy Draco: part of tyhe draco beyvblade clan the wash out but still tough re djacket with fico on it and black and red flame pants is a casually beyblade loving friend protecting guy