(Apr. 19, 2011  5:43 PM)Melo_NY Wrote: Chapter was good. Will chapter 3 be up soon?

(Apr. 19, 2011  5:47 PM)Melo_NY Wrote: By soon, I meant during the next week.

(Apr. 19, 2011  9:24 PM)kolosos666 Wrote: Alright Bro, you asked for my review, and here it is. Lemme warn ya though, don't get your hopes up, it's not exactly positive. But PLEASE read it to the end.

Now, I've read both chapters and the first thing i noticed is - It feels rushed. All the action and everything that happens feels sort of rushed. Don't be quick to jump into a scene. Ease it up, and take it slow. It's much better that way and doesn't put too much information into the reader's head. Try having longer scenes and longer conversations, which brings me to my next point - dialogue. You need to work on it severely. All the dialogue seems unfinished, like pieces are missing, as well as rushed. Work on that as well, try to reread the dialogue and imagine the talk in your head. It might help! And try to have the characters' personality in mind when you write their dialogue. Some lines seemed like they were being said by a completely different character, so before you write the dialogue, make sure you have a solid personality for that character and you KNOW what said character would say. Next up - description. You don't really give alot of description on the characters. Other than "tall", you don't really tell the reader what those men look like. Try to use more words, and broaden your vocabulary just a bit. And also - names. Kai Macedon?! Is he meant to be Macedonian or something?! Or do you just randomly put together names like that?! It's not that it's a bad name, but when i read it, since i'm Macedonian it felt...weird haha. And one last thing - cliches. The story has some, and at some places it even feels unoriginal. And that's about it for the bad stuff. Hope you didn't get your hopes down bout writing this, cos here comes the good stuff

OK, so despite all the flaws, i can say i enjoyed it, and i must recommend you keep writing it while trying to improve on the stuff i told you about. Really, i can tell you're a good writer in the making, you have that THING that makes a writer, you just gotta refine it a bit Also on the positive side, i found your environment description at the beginning of chapter 2 really nice, and i'm pretty sure you can do even BETTER, so use those things to your advantage. Describe moar!!!

And that's about it, I hope you find my advices which were cleverly hidden amongst the review most helpful

(Apr. 20, 2011  8:09 AM)zode76 Wrote: when my character come out?
I can't wait XDXD

(Apr. 19, 2011  8:43 AM)TheBlayder Wrote: haha, you guys rock. guess what ive got here? chapter 2!

Chapter 2 – A New Beginning
[insert story here]

(May. 14, 2011  1:25 AM)Sparta Wrote:

(Apr. 19, 2011  8:43 AM)TheBlayder Wrote: haha, you guys rock. guess what ive got here? chapter 2!

Chapter 2 – A New Beginning
[insert story here]

Hmm....I like what I see, so here's a few small tips:
*Take your time. Pace yourself, try not to rush the chapters. Although it may seem as your writing that you're taking your time and explaining things, most likely you may not be, as while it takes a while to write a story, it takes half as much time to read it. Readers will be happy to see you explain things. The best sense to trigger memories is smell, so if you want readers to connect with a certain part of your story, be sure to include smell.
*Find a perfect medium-as in don't spend too much time describing something at one time. If it's a character, don't feel pushed to write down everything the person wanted you to write about him at one time. Say only what you notice about him at one glance, but after that, throughout your entire story, slowly add details here and there. But also, DO NOT use too little description. At least include one or two things. What I mean is, find your perfect medium of action, drama, humor, suspense, and description. That's how writers are successful.
*Elements Similes, metaphors, personification, oxymorons...these things can really pump up your story content. Which one sounds better:
1. The blue man was tall
2. The navy blue man stood, tall as a skyscraper, as if his head were in the clouds.
Try to incorporate these things when possible.

Take from this whatever you want. Also, if you'd like, I can give you a character.

(May. 14, 2011  8:45 AM)TheBlayder Wrote:

(May. 14, 2011  1:25 AM)Sparta Wrote:

(Apr. 19, 2011  8:43 AM)TheBlayder Wrote: haha, you guys rock. guess what ive got here? chapter 2!

Chapter 2 – A New Beginning
[insert story here]

Hmm....I like what I see, so here's a few small tips:
*Take your time. Pace yourself, try not to rush the chapters. Although it may seem as your writing that you're taking your time and explaining things, most likely you may not be, as while it takes a while to write a story, it takes half as much time to read it. Readers will be happy to see you explain things. The best sense to trigger memories is smell, so if you want readers to connect with a certain part of your story, be sure to include smell.
*Find a perfect medium-as in don't spend too much time describing something at one time. If it's a character, don't feel pushed to write down everything the person wanted you to write about him at one time. Say only what you notice about him at one glance, but after that, throughout your entire story, slowly add details here and there. But also, DO NOT use too little description. At least include one or two things. What I mean is, find your perfect medium of action, drama, humor, suspense, and description. That's how writers are successful.
*Elements Similes, metaphors, personification, oxymorons...these things can really pump up your story content. Which one sounds better:
1. The blue man was tall
2. The navy blue man stood, tall as a skyscraper, as if his head were in the clouds.
Try to incorporate these things when possible.

Take from this whatever you want. Also, if you'd like, I can give you a character.

Hey thanks for this, im trying to medium out the character descriptions, but add more content to chapters, ive been told by people that my story contains really only battle scenes, so in chapter 3 ive tried to even it out a bit with some humour and conversation. What i did a little while ago was revamp the story, so ive added extra descriptions, changed the grammar and lots more, i might try to write chapter 3 now as im not too busy, and its been like nearly a months wait.

(Oct. 10, 2011  9:44 PM)Soopah Wrote: welcome back man, can't wait for the new chapter ^^

(Oct. 10, 2011  10:05 PM)bbamsuv Wrote: I have a character request(s),

Red Crimson,
bey: shot starblaze
move: super explode ( hair spikes up and turns red then bey blows up enemy while bey turns red )
hair color: silver with red fire-shaped birthmark
clothes and launcher color: red

Blue Azure,
bey: shot starflood
move: super tsunami ( hair spike up and turns blue then a tsunami washes away enemy while bey turns blue )
hair color:silver with a blue teardrop-shaped birthmark
clothes and launcher color: blue

(Oct. 11, 2011  6:05 PM)TheBlayder Wrote:

(Oct. 10, 2011  9:44 PM)Soopah Wrote: welcome back man, can't wait for the new chapter ^^

Thanks mate

(Oct. 10, 2011  10:05 PM)bbamsuv Wrote: I have a character request(s),

Red Crimson,
bey: shot starblaze
move: super explode ( hair spikes up and turns red then bey blows up enemy while bey turns red )
hair color: silver with red fire-shaped birthmark
clothes and launcher color: red

Blue Azure,
bey: shot starflood
move: super tsunami ( hair spike up and turns blue then a tsunami washes away enemy while bey turns blue )
hair color:silver with a blue teardrop-shaped birthmark
clothes and launcher color: blue

Thanks for that, a lot of red and blue references.