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+--- Thread: beystory : the misused one ( accepting characters) (/Thread-beystory-the-misused-one-accepting-characters)
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RE: beystory : the misused one - Synth - Jun. 10, 2011
(Jun. 10, 2011 2:51 PM)SAMKUL95 Wrote: Nice one..the spelling errors have vanished in this chapter but the grammar mistakes continue..u are continuously switching from present to past tense...for writing stories..it is better if u use the past tense only.
he is one of the people I know who doesn't use puntuation marks ALWAYS....
but he uses it here...
anyways, Good effort. your grammar needs fixing,too
RE: beystory : the misused one - Xlr8 - Jun. 10, 2011
(Jun. 10, 2011 2:42 PM)SDamonCronous Wrote: Good story, but you could possibly put more detail into it, for instance, when he found the machine you could have said something like this:
'As Pegasis leapt into his open hand, Jonathan lifted his head looked around to the place that his bey had lead him. It seemed to be a kind of labratory, white lab coats hung on a hanger next to him, and the walls were covered in some sort of metallic material. In the far corner there sat a large machine with various pipes and dashboards covering its surface. Jonathan walked up to the machine and inspected it, on the biggest dashboard there was a red button seated next to a screen. Jonathan, being the curious person he is, pressed the button and a beyclip-type holder opened from the side of the machine. The screen came into life with a loud 'beep' and words started to scroll across it in a constant stream. Three words continuously came up over and over again, 'Bey Recreation Chamber'.'
I'll stop there, and sorry if I sound like I am re-writing your story, but you could put a bit more detail into the places and more depth to the story.
thanks dude for the advice
(Jun. 10, 2011 2:57 PM)Janstarblast Wrote: Well done, dude! This time you have improved big time!
(Jun. 10, 2011 2:51 PM)SAMKUL95 Wrote: Nice one..the spelling errors have vanished in this chapter but the grammar mistakes continue..u are continuously switching from present to past tense...for writing stories..it is better if u use the past tense only.
(Jun. 10, 2011 3:01 PM)DX Wrote: he is one of the people I know who doesn't use puntuation marks ALWAYS....
but he uses it here...
anyways, Good effort. your grammar needs fixing,too
well thanks buddies well i have written the next chapter i will post it tomorrow
RE: beystory : the misused one - Black♧Jack - Jun. 11, 2011
is all cool im just helping
RE: beystory : the misused one - Viral - Jun. 11, 2011
Well done with your story. Just write more stories and you'll get way better
RE: beystory : the misused one - Xlr8 - Jun. 11, 2011
(Jun. 11, 2011 4:21 AM)mailz0rr Wrote: Well done with your story. Just write more stories and you'll get way better
thanks dude well here is the next chapter
Chapter 4: After Match
Jonathan was frightened and at the same time amazed also to see Doji alive. Jonathan spoke “How! How can you be alive?†Doji replied “I know what is going on in your mind. I will go to answer all of your questions one-by-one. Well before you ask any question I just clear out your dough. As everybody thought that I was dead but I wasn’t higher authorities knew that my body was not found anywhere in the Dark Nebula’s ruins. The reason behind this is that I was in this room. Well, I was seriously injured after my match with phoenix (Ginga’s dad Rio) I lost and was seriously injured when I escaped from the site and was returning back I saw Rayuga coming and asked him for help but instead he destroyed my beyond took my bey spirit and left me there to die because I was for no use to him but when Ginga defeated Rayuga and his bey l-drago all bey-spirits captured by l-drago returned back to their masters including me. Then I got into this machine and using this machine I can move and speak until my body heals back.†Jonathan said to Doji “So can you tell me that how my bey made its way through the ruins to make me meet you and didn’t obey me?†“Huh! Nice question, answer to your question lies in my last battle i.e. with phoenix. I might have defeated phoenix but he was able to look that my bey’s fusion wheel had flame ring’s part fixed into a gap and he hit it and this destroyed my Bey Wolf’s energy and all of the energy of my bey got scattered over Dark Nebula’s core or the main part where you are standing. When I got back my bey-spirit I was able to control this energy but not to it’s full extend as I am injured. So, I used this energy to take control on your bey as you are a weak blader.†said Doji. Listening this Jonathan replied “So was there any person with me that I felt someone’s presence there in the hall.†Doji replied “As I told you I am able to control my bey’s energy which is all over here and the places nearby I used that energy to control your bey well I have started taking control on your bey since u entered the room and due to this the change in the flow of the energy you felt like there was someone there. As I fell that I have answered all of your questions. I would like to ask you that do you want to be a member of the Dark Nebula organization.
RE: beystory : the misused one - Black♧Jack - Jun. 12, 2011
one word:wow
that is very good but a minor error in a sentence where you used a "u" instead of you in this sentence
"“As I told you I am able to control my bey’s energy which is all over here and the places nearby I used that energy to control your bey well I have started taking control on your bey since u entered the room and due to this the change in the flow of the energy you felt like there was someone there. As I fell that I have answered all of your questions. I would like to ask you that do you want to be a member of the Dark Nebula organization." and you forgot the quot marks at the end as well plus i believe there should be a comma in the sentience as well here: "“As I told you I am able to control my bey’s energy which is all over here and the places nearby,I used that energy to control your bey well I have started taking control on your bey since u entered the room and due to this the change in the flow of the energy you felt like there was someone there. As I fell that I have answered all of your questions. I would like to ask you that do you want to be a member of the Dark Nebula organization." and a little grammar,about 10% of it overall great
RE: beystory : the misused one - Xlr8 - Jun. 13, 2011
(Jun. 12, 2011 8:06 PM)bladerJAKS Wrote: one word:wow
that is very good but a minor error in a sentence where you used a "u" instead of you in this sentence
"“As I told you I am able to control my bey’s energy which is all over here and the places nearby I used that energy to control your bey well I have started taking control on your bey since u entered the room and due to this the change in the flow of the energy you felt like there was someone there. As I fell that I have answered all of your questions. I would like to ask you that do you want to be a member of the Dark Nebula organization." and you forgot the quot marks at the end as well plus i believe there should be a comma in the sentience as well here: "“As I told you I am able to control my bey’s energy which is all over here and the places nearby,I used that energy to control your bey well I have started taking control on your bey since u entered the room and due to this the change in the flow of the energy you felt like there was someone there. As I fell that I have answered all of your questions. I would like to ask you that do you want to be a member of the Dark Nebula organization." and a little grammar,about 10% of it overall great
he but im used too sms language so did that mistake
RE: beystory : the misused one - Black♧Jack - Jun. 14, 2011
(Jun. 13, 2011 11:38 AM)xlr8 Wrote:(Jun. 12, 2011 8:06 PM)bladerJAKS Wrote: one word:wow
that is very good but a minor error in a sentence where you used a "u" instead of you in this sentence
"“As I told you I am able to control my bey’s energy which is all over here and the places nearby I used that energy to control your bey well I have started taking control on your bey since u entered the room and due to this the change in the flow of the energy you felt like there was someone there. As I fell that I have answered all of your questions. I would like to ask you that do you want to be a member of the Dark Nebula organization." and you forgot the quot marks at the end as well plus i believe there should be a comma in the sentience as well here: "“As I told you I am able to control my bey’s energy which is all over here and the places nearby,I used that energy to control your bey well I have started taking control on your bey since u entered the room and due to this the change in the flow of the energy you felt like there was someone there. As I fell that I have answered all of your questions. I would like to ask you that do you want to be a member of the Dark Nebula organization." and a little grammar,about 10% of it overall great
he but im used too sms language so did that mistake
what i don't understand wat u saying
RE: beystory : the misused one - Xlr8 - Jun. 15, 2011
(Jun. 14, 2011 2:34 AM)bladerJAKS Wrote:(Jun. 13, 2011 11:38 AM)xlr8 Wrote:(Jun. 12, 2011 8:06 PM)bladerJAKS Wrote: one word:wow
that is very good but a minor error in a sentence where you used a "u" instead of you in this sentence
"“As I told you I am able to control my bey’s energy which is all over here and the places nearby I used that energy to control your bey well I have started taking control on your bey since u entered the room and due to this the change in the flow of the energy you felt like there was someone there. As I fell that I have answered all of your questions. I would like to ask you that do you want to be a member of the Dark Nebula organization." and you forgot the quot marks at the end as well plus i believe there should be a comma in the sentience as well here: "“As I told you I am able to control my bey’s energy which is all over here and the places nearby,I used that energy to control your bey well I have started taking control on your bey since u entered the room and due to this the change in the flow of the energy you felt like there was someone there. As I fell that I have answered all of your questions. I would like to ask you that do you want to be a member of the Dark Nebula organization." and a little grammar,about 10% of it overall great
he but im used too sms language so did that mistake
what i don't understand wat u saying
dude i said that i mostly use short forms of words so that i don't have to write much so it became my habit to use them so by mistake in that chapter i used shortcut word u = you
RE: beystory : the misused one ( accepting characters) - Xlr8 - Jun. 18, 2011
well now i want some new characters in the story which uses only season 1 bey cw (leone, sagittario ) and the best will be selected and also some negative characters request
RE: beystory : the misused one - Black♧Jack - Jun. 24, 2011
(Jun. 15, 2011 1:05 PM)Xlr8 Wrote:(Jun. 14, 2011 2:34 AM)bladerJAKS Wrote:(Jun. 13, 2011 11:38 AM)xlr8 Wrote:(Jun. 12, 2011 8:06 PM)bladerJAKS Wrote: one word:wow
that is very good but a minor error in a sentence where you used a "u" instead of you in this sentence
"“As I told you I am able to control my bey’s energy which is all over here and the places nearby I used that energy to control your bey well I have started taking control on your bey since u entered the room and due to this the change in the flow of the energy you felt like there was someone there. As I fell that I have answered all of your questions. I would like to ask you that do you want to be a member of the Dark Nebula organization." and you forgot the quot marks at the end as well plus i believe there should be a comma in the sentience as well here: "“As I told you I am able to control my bey’s energy which is all over here and the places nearby,I used that energy to control your bey well I have started taking control on your bey since u entered the room and due to this the change in the flow of the energy you felt like there was someone there. As I fell that I have answered all of your questions. I would like to ask you that do you want to be a member of the Dark Nebula organization." and a little grammar,about 10% of it overall great
he but im used too sms language so did that mistake
what i don't understand wat u saying
dude i said that i mostly use short forms of words so that i don't have to write much so it became my habit to use them so by mistake in that chapter i used shortcut word u = you
oh i don't understand a lot of terms i know a lot of words,phrases,and spelling formats but some people wont understand what "sms" means so other than that your writing from the first chapter to this one evolved greatly so dont worry but im not going to continue writing till i myself have improved greatly as you from 1 chapter to 4th chapter improved 95% where as i...not so much but im rooting for you and you just keep up and if someone comments rudely about your story a tip of advice:report them im too nice so i wouldn't but if i got fed up with a rude comment or two i would report them and i almost got fed up and annoyed by rude comments (will not mention names of people) and did not reported them but you should give people a warning first if they don't stop then report but only then