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im giveing a my story - Black♧Jack - Apr. 09, 2011
to begin i must thank jetstream for the idea for a beyblade story of my own
"ugh my head what happened.... oh ya i stayed up last night trying to make a new blade combo." my name is Jaks an new blader but with untapped potential and no true partner to show his skill. i work as a combo builder for those too lazy to do it themselves."Jaks." "Hey boss how are ya?" "Good but that's not important now. you have been working hard lately haven't ya. Ya know you need to work on your own blade combos too not just others. Now here for your hard work three blades for you to have."" sweet a new storm Pegasus 105RF,Flame Sagittario C145S,and storm Aquario 100HF/S. I've wanted to get these blades but they never had them in stock how..." "My own ways but you listen good i want you to stay at home for one month and relax and build your own beyblade trust me there's something different about those parts so use them." I didn't know it then but he was right and they helped a lot of people in a lot of places but this story is just getting started no copyright infringement intended
RE: im giveing a my story - Synth - Apr. 09, 2011
uhh,where's the plot?
RE: im giveing a my story - Black♧Jack - Apr. 09, 2011
(Apr. 09, 2011 6:01 AM)Ventus98 Wrote: uhh,where's the plot?
it is just a trial to see if people like the basic story line but if you want i will let you help me with ideas storyline details and pilot
RE: im giveing a my story - JoltCentral - Apr. 10, 2011
k just change storm to wind on aquario and if there is an aries its clay aries wd145 b and mad cancer not gasher and ursa not orso k there is more to say but eh
RE: im giveing a my story - Black♧Jack - Apr. 11, 2011
(Apr. 10, 2011 9:27 PM)jolter648 Wrote: k just change storm to wind on aquario and if there is an aries its clay aries wd145 b and mad cancer not gasher and ursa not orso k there is more to say but eh
well im going by amarican (essayer to remember that way) and i like the names plus aries,mad gasher and rock orso will not be and i repeat WILL NOT make any appearances but combos such as EX:dark orso wd145 HF/S will make appearances but only if written in with a blader too
RE: im giveing a my story - Black♧Jack - Apr. 13, 2011
"Yes now i have 3 Beyblades of my own all i ever had for longer than 10 seconts because of Ralen was this old launcher and it's worthless. Now lets see what will i do first get a hot dog,run through the the park,go rub my friends faces in my new beys,well first t should probably go see my mom and... Oohf." "Hey where you going Jaks?" "Why should i tell you Ralen!" "Well i think your going to tell me that you "think you are going" to hand over those new beys or loose them trying to beat me HA HA HA like you always do." "If you want nnnnew beys i think you should buy them yourselfffff Rrralen." "Well if you won't give me your beys then will half to battle you for them! (he is holding his jagged wolf the silver evil as most of us call it cuz it ends up destroying eveyones blades in battle)" "OK!" "(Now lets go with flame sagitario his bey is an attack type and sagitariois a stamina type and there's no stadium)"3...2...1...LET IT RIP" go flame sagitario!" our beys clash and smash sparks fly everywhere i seem to be able to hold my ground till Ralen says "Wolf !jagged bite!" "Nooooo not now i cant loose!" now jagged wolfs entire body glow with a silvery glow and starts to wobble ferociously as it charged at my flame sagitario and when it hits it destroys the face bolt and energy wheel then shatters the track and tip. "NOOOOO not now...not yet..." What was left after that was the wheel and the wheel only."Heh i guess i wont be taking that bey." (Well since i can't beat fire with fire then i guess i will fight a fire with two fires.I never thought this old launcher would come in handy.) "Time to break out the double launcher!" "Lets go" I attach Aquario and Pegasus to the duo launcher and stars"3...2...1...LET IT RIP!!!!!" a flash of light as we launch because of the duo launcher being made of very shiny metal...wait shiny bulrbablurb (sound of me getting out of a detraction)lets continue with the story.And then a second later i hear Ralen say "Hurmf i'm tired of this battle so i'm going to end it quickly !WOLF JAGGED chomp!" His bey then proceeded to contentiously grind at all of the parts it could get to with its vibrating motion till there was almost nothing left and all that was left was the 100HF/S tip and track and the Pegasus face and clear wheel. "Well at least i left just the right amount of parts to make a bey now hand them over before i get angry!!!" he then proceed to kick me and stomp on me and i was tierd of Ralen and jagged wolf then I then had a choice ether let them have the parts and run or put them into a bey and fight one more time for my pride. "Not even in your dreams!!! Then i launch flame Pegasus 100HF/S an continue to battle him! "what!" said Ralen a very surprised look and then astonishment and then flowed rage. "YOU THINK YOU CAN CHALLENGE ME WITH A PIECE OF JUNK SCRAP BEYBLADE MADE OUT OF SPARE PARTS OF OTHER BEYBLADES!WELL YOU CAN FIND ANOTHER THING COMING TO YA !!!!!!WOLVERINE DESTRUCTION!!!!!!!!!!" (oh gosh i'm dead that junk bey wont stand a chance v.swolverine destruction (Flashes back...) "Noooooo my burn fireblaze!" "My burn fireblazes wheel all crumpled up like tin foil." " Heh heh heh what do you think Jaks,your burn fireblaze is nothing but scrap metal all thanks to my new Special move:wolverine destruction HAHAHAHA! said (comes back to present-time) "WELL I WON"T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN!!!! SPECIAL MOVE !!!!!! PEGASUS FLAMING HOOF DESTRUCTION!!!!!!!" Ralen then yells "WHAT!" AS HIS BEY IS THRASHING AND BASHING A BOUGHT missing my pegasus every time my pegasus ran up the wall and fell engulfed in flame switching it's tip to flat-mode smashing it's spin tip in the face bolt and on contact delivering a pushing blow with the sharp mode tip change mid hit and destroying jagged wolf's face bolt! now standing there speechless as he sees his wolf fall apart he faintly says "I lllll-lost the battle." end of first chapter no copyright infringement intended
RE: im giveing a my story - Black♧Jack - Apr. 15, 2011
please anyone post and rate my story
RE: im giveing a my story - Synth - Apr. 15, 2011
why the heck those the story have freakin HUGE LETTERS!!!how about rettaing the normal font
RE: im giveing a my story - Black♧Jack - Apr. 15, 2011
(Apr. 15, 2011 2:13 AM)bigbangpegasis9 Wrote: why the heck those the story have freakin HUGE LETTERS!!!how about rettaing the normal font
sorry trying to emphasize my story and thanks i needed more comments to help me improve my storys
RE: im giveing a my story - Black♧Jack - Apr. 22, 2011
chapter 2 a small history lesson
....."I lost the battle..." says Ralen as he falls to his knees. "What just happened? wait i finally BEAT RALEN!" as Jaks says this he is has a huge smile on his face until... "...Wait... wheres flame Pegasus!" it falls on the floor stopped and motionless.I pick Pegasus up and run home in triumph! "well young one i see you've got a new bey and you've beaten that pesky raggel muffin Rales havent you Jaks?" "GRANDMA! uh how do you know i was here you couldn't see me? wait grandma his name is ral... well nevermind!""well jaks will you let me see it dear?" yeah grandma ...oh here it is!" exclaims Jaks"Ahh this bey is extremely powerful and is smiler to one in our family history. ah back when beys are new and very young on this planet our..." "Ok grandma i know grandfatherforgedabeybladeofmysticalproperty'sandfraughtthedark (huhf puff) twinstwoevilbeysonespinsrightoneleftandiftherepowersevercombinedinbattle."The world shall end." said grandma "But our ancestor stopped them and that bey is regarded the most sacred item of this world as for the two evil beys they were locked up in a secret chamber that no-one knows where it is and no-one should ever find them!" "I KNOW GRANDMA I KNOW! says Jaks"Well fine. But your little girl friend-her name was Noh wasn't it- came by asking for you. "(blushing)GRANDMA she aint my girlfriend for 1 and 2her name is Nai by the way where is sh...wait never mind thanks!" (Nai's p.o.v)"(hay theirs Jaks!how do i look?(meses with here hair)i don't want my hair to be messy.uh...)" Hay Nai whats up?" says Jaks "(oh great um say something say something stupid!!!)Oh jaks how are ya?" "Good especially since i beat Ralen today!" "(he beat Ralen that's great! maby nows time to...) "JAKS!!!!!!!!" (back to Jaks) "Ralen!"Jaks and Nai both say "NOW I'M BACK AND WERE GOING TO BATTLE TILL YOUR BEY IS PEACES!MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!! AND NOW WITH MY NEW BEY...
RE: im giveing a my story - Janstarblast - Apr. 22, 2011
Well, the story is great! Also, I might like to tell you that those dialogs with no spaces makes the story too confusing...
RE: im giveing a my story - Black♧Jack - Apr. 22, 2011
for the next chapter i need a idea for Ralens new blade any ideas
(Apr. 22, 2011 7:06 AM)Janstarblast Wrote: Well, the story is great! Also, I might like to tell you that those dialogs with no spaces makes the story too confusing...
thanks speed up sentences are confusing i understand and did it on purpose i only did that for this story so far i don't know about later
RE: im giveing a my story - Synth - Apr. 22, 2011
(Apr. 22, 2011 7:08 AM)bladerJAKS Wrote: for the next chapter i need a idea for Ralens new blade any ideas
(Apr. 22, 2011 7:06 AM)Janstarblast Wrote: Well, the story is great! Also, I might like to tell you that those dialogs with no spaces makes the story too confusing...
thanks speed up sentences are confusing i understand and did it on purpose i only did that for this story so far i don't know about later
1.final apollo ED145WD
2.its called ''run-on sentence''
RE: im giveing a my story - LEON5000 - Apr. 22, 2011
Well I think the story is ok
but your second and third paragraghs are too long for me
RE: im giveing a my story - Janstarblast - Apr. 22, 2011
I think he has great potential to write though.... so I said, the story is great...
RE: im giveing a my story - BeybladerPotter - Apr. 22, 2011
Just some errors but I agree with Janstarblast, it's good.
RE: im giveing a my story - Musica - Apr. 22, 2011
Yor idea is good but everything in the story is rushed and that makes it kinda confusing
RE: im giveing a my story - Black♧Jack - Apr. 23, 2011
thanks and im only trying this out if i can get at least 5 "yeah keep going i want more" or "it's good keep going" 's ill keep it going and 3 things one i need ideas for Ralen's new blade it has to be real good too no stupid blades EX: lighting bull 10000 hf/s. YOU WILL BE REPORTED YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED i also need it before i can make the next chapter(it will be extra long!!!) 3 im taking requests for caterers and again i say it has to be real good too no stupid blades (or bladers) EX: lighting bull 10000 hf/s with mecauca a flying ice dragon that breaths thnder. YOU WILL BE REPORTED YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
RE: im giveing a my story - TenshouTsubasa - Apr. 23, 2011
The story is OK,
but there are many spelling mistakes.
I suggest that before sending your stories here,
you may check that if there is any mistakes in it by using Microsoft Word.
RE: im giveing a my story - Black♧Jack - Apr. 23, 2011
(Apr. 23, 2011 2:20 AM)Meteo LDrago Wrote: The story is OK,
but there are many spelling mistakes.
I suggest that before sending your stories here,
you may check that if there is any mistakes in it by using Microsoft Word.
i have windows xp and my Microsoft word really doesn't work but if you like you could help me with it pm me and i will give more details later besides some words on my computer don't register when i can manege to get spell check running so i do what i can
(Apr. 22, 2011 7:19 AM)bigbangpegasis9 Wrote:(Apr. 22, 2011 7:08 AM)bladerJAKS Wrote: for the next chapter i need a idea for Ralens new blade any ideas
(Apr. 22, 2011 7:06 AM)Janstarblast Wrote: Well, the story is great! Also, I might like to tell you that those dialogs with no spaces makes the story too confusing...
thanks speed up sentences are confusing i understand and did it on purpose i only did that for this story so far i don't know about later
1.final apollo ED145WD
2.its called ''run-on sentence''
please try to keep the blades in the u.s. right now and thanks but a run-on sentence is more like this "Well the story is great also I might like to tell you that those dialogs with no spaces makes the story too confusing thanks speed up sentences are confusing i understand and did it on purpose i only did that for this story so far i don't know about later
. one long without punctuation thought to separate them into different sentences ok sorry about that blade unless this "final" wheel is not a real wheel if so please give me a description of it and i will think about it
RE: im giveing a my story - 001 - Apr. 23, 2011
I would rate 2 or 3, but you have really great potential, so I'll wait it out. Your only problems are that:
-Too many run-on sentences
-Dialogue is confusing
-There needs to be more room between... events (or something like that)
-Lack of commas
Sorry if I sound mean, it's just constructive criticism. If you fix those things, I'm sure it would be great.
RE: im giveing a my story - TheBlayder - Apr. 23, 2011
tip, improve your grammar and vocab, and make the chapters alot bigger.
RE: im giveing a my story - Black♧Jack - Apr. 23, 2011
(Apr. 23, 2011 7:52 AM)001 Wrote: I would rate 2 or 3, but you have really great potential, so I'll wait it out. Your only problems are that:
-Too many run-on sentences
-Dialogue is confusing
-There needs to be more room between... events (or something like that)
-Lack of commas
Sorry if I sound mean, it's just constructive criticism. If you fix those things, I'm sure it would be great.
im doing my best im in a normal English class i have spelling and grammar problems,i don't write that much so my story's arent great.my lack of punctuation im working on when i think a story chapter i done i post it i don't have the most advanced editing software i half to write it here for 2 reasons 1 my Microsoft doesn't work well because it the 2000 version i think 2 it won't always pull up on this computer and it's the best i can do i try to correct it though and a lot of your comments are similar like this one
(Apr. 23, 2011 10:03 AM)TheBlayder Wrote: tip, improve your grammar and vocab, and make the chapters alot bigger.
see but i don't mint and i will try to do better
I NEEDMORE IDEASFORRALEN'S BLADE
RE: im giveing a my story - Black♧Jack - Apr. 27, 2011
SINCE I HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY OTHER REQUESTS YET I WILL JUST USE THE WORST BEYBLADE I KNOW OF!"....dark Scorpio 100 Q!" says Ralen "
really Ralen hats the best you got?! Ha ha ha ha ha ha(jaks falls laughing 
) woo i can't heah ha that you would use an unstable,uncontrollable,laughable bey like that! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" then Nai says "Really Ralen XD i can't believe ha ha ha ha huh... a blader like you would ha ha ha ha ha (breathes hard) use such a poor choice for a bey Heh HA HA HA HA ha "See Ralen I told you that that bey would only make Jaks laugh! now its my turn! (Jaks and Nai stop laughing)"Satka i told you to stay out of this! now go home!" "No (Satka swoops in from out of nowhere) you have already lost to him it's my turn with shadow fox TS125 HF (it glows with a dark power) "...shadow fox i've never heard of a shadow fox or a shadow wheel before... wait Ralens last name is kesuma and the champion of Battle bladers 2029 was Satka kesuma but dose that mean"Jaks is cut off by Satka " yes your right i am the current champion of beyblade!Now lets battle he locks his shadow fox to a digital power launcher. "Fine" then I attach my flame Pegasus to my launcher but Nai says "wait Jaks i have a gift for you(hands Jaks a pull string launcher) this is a new pull string gear i modified it has the longest string of any string launcher before! made it for you." "Thanks Nai i couldn't thank you more! now lets do this!" "3...2...1 let it rip!!!" Jaks and Satka say in unison "I Will finish this in one blow go shadow fox!" "His shadow fox moves extremely fast.fast for a bey especially for one that looked so heavy because of a tornado shield track which normally is for stamina and balance types because of how heavy it is but theirs something weird going on here.says Jaks in his head" "OH Pegasus dodge it now and then slam it into that wall!" then Pegasus narrowly evades shadow fox and slams it into the wall causing dust and brick to fly every ware. "Uh that was too easy ok Pegasus come back." "Just wait a moment Jaks!" Satka says swiftly. Then the dust cleared and reveled that both Pegasus and fox were still spinning after that i figured that the tornado shield was tilted slightly up to prevent fox from stopping it's spinning. But i also then noticed that fox was spinning to the left then... "Uh oh i'm doomed if what i'm thinking is right..." "Yes this is one of the evil blades. I alone can control it as it has chosen me." our beys clash again in furious motions each time the beys collide a rain of sparks and then a dark pulse of energy radiates "ok NOW shadow fox Special move dark fox ninja strike!" shadow fox glowed in dark evil color and ginormous black fox's shoot out at Pegasus and rapidly strike it at all directions then i try to get Pegasus out by switching his tip to sharp mode but he finds it amd contenues its rapid assault. "Oh no Special move Pegasus flaming hoof destruction!." Jaks says Pegasus then shot up in the air and dive bombed rite at shadow fox like a bullet. "Heh you bore me and i'm through messing with you."(grandmas p.o.v) "well whats with all the hub bub outside i'm going to have a look see... oh my god the the the the shadow fox its imposable! OH JAKS I'M COMING TO HELP YOU." (back to Jaks) "What do you mean?" Jaks says with a puzzeld look "Jaks i think he means that he-and if i'm right this this bad- has been holding back!"Nai says "Yes now I WILL FINISH YOU OFF. dark move DARK FOX TERRORIZING STRIKE!" shadow fox glowed like before but not the same way more darkness,more hatred,more evil in a silvitish glow emanated from it,then a single fox in an orange and white glow emerged when all of the other fox's combined to form it then it quickly swallowed my bey and and then exploded into sparks as it did a series of upper cuts and slams. By now the bars on the 100 track are shattered and the tip is cracked badly."Pegasus! Pegasus! what just happened!"Pegasus lands at Jaks feet still spinning barely" well i wont loose now!(i can't loose now i have to beat him! THAT'S IT) Pegasus! flaming space typhoon!" Pegasus explodes with energy quickly speeding up and then it circles around shadow fox like i've never seen before engulfing it's self in flames then it grind's on shadow fox like a poison serpent,striking only the shadow wheel. then Ralen of all people does this"LET IT RIP" his dark Scorpio shoots off and hits both fox and Pegasus at a great moment of impact when fox and Pegasus had just started to collide and all 3 stop. "What was that about dark Scorpio 100 Q being imposable to control!""Well Ralen your bey stopped too so...Wait whats wrong with Jaks and Satka." says Nai as they both collapse. "Oh dear Oh dear Oh dear Oh dear Nai get jaks and the other boy in the house now theirs something seriously wrong wait where did the other boy and Rales go?" says grandma "never mind grams lets get Jaks in the house now before he gets worse!"
RE: im giveing a my story - Black♧Jack - Apr. 30, 2011
really NO FEED BACK...im hurt