Welcome to Beyblade burst: Ridge Storm, A.K.A, The RS system.. this series will follow a blader named Dax Koryu and his RS bey Inferno Dragon!!! The series will contain three characters from the anime
~ Free de la hoya
~ Shu Kurenai
~ Delta Akane
these three characters alongside the characters you submit will make up Beyblade burst: Ridge Storm
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the ridge storm consists of a few parts, all parts can be custom but IRL parts can be submitted as well.
layer: the RS layers consist of two parts a bottom piece similar to a gt layer, but these layers are just the basic form of the Beyblade, then sitting just on top of that is the "energy plate" essentially an armor piece that sits on top of the base, this completes the layer. essentially every bey is like union Achilles with 2 modes. an attack/defense/stamina/balance mode with the energy plate on and a speed version of that same attack/defense/stamina/balance mode with the energy plate removed.
chip: The chip sits onto the base to hold down the energy plate or snaps into just the layer.
Chassis: these beys contain chassis like superking beys, EXCEPT there all single chassis, double chassis don't exist
Forge disc: standard forge disc
The frame (optional): if you have a core disc you can have a frame
Driver: a basic driver.. nothing different
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Stadium: the stadium is a stadium similar to the one in the anime, But with a few customs features, 1. the stadium has a special anti-friction coating. 2. the walls are higher making it harder to get a ring out. 3. the middle of the stadium has a little indent for stamina/defense types to spin in, giving them a small advantage when in the middle. 4. the outer edge of the stadium is all rubber!! Let the battles begin!!!!
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Rules
1. Your bey's name must match your character's FIRST name, for example, if your bey was named "blade" your first name must match that by also starting with the letter b, the prefix can be whatever you want it to be.
2. you must describe the part AND its gimmicks in the character form below, in relation to this rule please describe its special moves as well
3. Your character can but doesn't have to be related to a character in the anime
4. No try hard or super gimmicky Beyblades, for example, "my bey has metal contact point in speed mode"... no this will be denied, also the gimmick limit is set at three for each part.. keep in mind EACH PART.. that's a total of nine allowed gimmicks for one bey... this isn't a low limit
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Character form, please fill all of this out with as much detail as possible
(character info)
Name:
Eye color:
Age:
What they look like:
(bey info)
Bey Name:
Layer name/description(speed mode):
Layer name/decription(energy mode):
Chip name/description:
Chassis name/description:
Forge disc: name/description
Frame name/description(optional):
Driver name/description:
(special moves)
List the special moves below (max cap of moves is 6)
(also how do I do the "spoiler" thing)
This is how you do it you put [] this around Spoiler then type what you wanna put in then add this at the end [/spoiler]
main character
Name: Dax Koryu
Eye color: gold
Age: 11
What they look like: of average height, Dax sports medium-length gold hair with blue highlighted ends, he sports ripped blue jeans, a blue tank-top with a gold bey-club symbol on it, blue gloves with gold accents, and a red belt with his launcher and bey on it.
(bey info)
Bey Name: Inferno Dragon
Layer name/description(speed mode): Name: Flame || description: in speed mode Inferno Dragon has 2 large contact points with flame designs on them, on the top and the bottom are two sharp triangle points on the bey, the rest of the outside of the bey is covered in round bumps. main colors are gold, accents are in blue, then small amounts like the flames are done in red
Layer name/description(energy mode): Name: inferno || description: in energy mode, the 2 large contact points become more like swords and the small bumps are now rubber and the two sharp contact points on the top and bottom are enlarged in this mode. gold base with blue accents and small amounts of red
Chip name/description: Name: Dragon X || Description: a dragon is shown on the lower half of the chip and flame shoots out the head of the dragon across the top part of the chip, along the bottom part of the chip you see the claws of the dragon. blue claws on a gold dragon with the red flames coming out o the bey
Chassis name/description: Name: B5 || Description: B5 or balance five is a balanced chassis colored in gold, with a metal frame covered in plastic, there is a mode change gimmick where you can pull two metal pieces out, or push them out for different modes, pulling it all the way out creates a stamina mode, pushing it all the way in creates a defense bey, in the middle is attack mode.
Forge disc: name/description: Name: Climb || description: climb is a disc with a very round base with 2 large pieces that come out this sides of the disc ance three bumps from the blade on each side to the middle, leaving just enough room for the frame to fit in.
Frame name/description(optional): Name: Rock || description: the rock frame has a bunch of bumps all around the frame with the exception of two sharp points on the top, bottom, and sides. forming a plus sign of sorts between the four sharp points., the frame has a small metal ring in the bottom making the frame heavier than most frames
Driver name/description: Name: slash || Description: the slash driver is very round at the top, similar to the zeta driver there are different modes you can choose, but unlike zeta, there are only two modes, a "super" mode where the tip is a sharp-ish and a "rage mode" where there is a wider, rubber tip. along with that, the driver has a removable metal core
(special moves)
List the special moves below (max cap of moves is 6)
1." rage zone" when in rage mode the Beyblade will tilt forward and rush towards the middle of the stadium knocking out(or trying to) anyone in the middle of the stadium, then rotating around the outside of the rubber tip in a defensive pattern
2. "final burn" when B5 is in attack mode and the super tip is in use the Beyblade will run across the rubber of the stadium and rushes in to smash the other Beyblade into the side of the stadium
3. "final calling" final calling is the finishing move of inferno dragon, when this is used inferno dragon will spin around the stadium with great speed, before clashing the opponent to the rubber outer ring and then it jumps up to the wall of the stadium rushing around and diving off to smash against the beyblade who is in the rubber ring, usually this causes a burst finish
(Jun. 02, 2021 4:02 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote: [ -> ]main character
Name: Dax Koryu
Eye color: gold
Age: 11
What they look like: of average height, Dax sports medium-length gold hair with blue highlighted ends, he sports ripped blue jeans, a blue tank-top with a gold bey-club symbol on it, blue gloves with gold accents, and a red belt with his launcher and bey on it.
(bey info)
Bey Name: Inferno Dragon
Layer name/description(speed mode): Name: Flame || description: in speed mode Inferno Dragon has 2 large contact points with flame designs on them, on the top and the bottom are two sharp triangle points on the bey, the rest of the outside of the bey is covered in round bumps. main colors are gold, accents are in blue, then small amounts like the flames are done in red
Layer name/description(energy mode): Name: inferno || description: in energy mode, the 2 large contact points become more like swords and the small bumps are now rubber and the two sharp contact points on the top and bottom are enlarged in this mode. gold base with blue accents and small amounts of red
Chip name/description: Name: Dragon X || Description: a dragon is shown on the lower half of the chip and flame shoots out the head of the dragon across the top part of the chip, along the bottom part of the chip you see the claws of the dragon. blue claws on a gold dragon with the red flames coming out o the bey
Chassis name/description: Name: B5 || Description: B5 or balance five is a balanced chassis colored in gold, with a metal frame covered in plastic, there is a mode change gimmick where you can pull two metal pieces out, or push them out for different modes, pulling it all the way out creates a stamina mode, pushing it all the way in creates a defense bey, in the middle is attack mode.
Forge disc: name/description: Name: Climb || description: climb is a disc with a very round base with 2 large pieces that come out this sides of the disc ance three bumps from the blade on each side to the middle, leaving just enough room for the frame to fit in.
Frame name/description(optional): Name: Rock || description: the rock frame has a bunch of bumps all around the frame with the exception of two sharp points on the top, bottom, and sides. forming a plus sign of sorts between the four sharp points., the frame has a small metal ring in the bottom making the frame heavier than most frames
Driver name/description: Name: slash || Description: the slash driver is very round at the top, similar to the zeta driver there are different modes you can choose, but unlike zeta, there are only two modes, a "super" mode where the tip is a sharp-ish and a "rage mode" where there is a wider, rubber tip. along with that, the driver has a removable metal core
(special moves)
List the special moves below (max cap of moves is 6)
1." rage zone" when in rage mode the Beyblade will tilt forward and rush towards the middle of the stadium knocking out(or trying to) anyone in the middle of the stadium, then rotating around the outside of the rubber tip in a defensive pattern
2. "final burn" when B5 is in attack mode and the super tip is in use the Beyblade will run across the rubber of the stadium and rushes in to smash the other Beyblade into the side of the stadium
3. "final calling" final calling is the finishing move of inferno dragon, when this is used inferno dragon will spin around the stadium with great speed, before clashing the opponent to the rubber outer ring and then it jumps up to the wall of the stadium rushing around and diving off to smash against the beyblade who is in the rubber ring, usually this causes a burst finish
Congrats!! you got it now
Free de la hoya:
Name: Free de la hoya
Eye color: grey/gold
Age: 12
What they look like: free sports his signature green arm sleeve, along with that he sports a gold tank-top and jacket with blue accents, along with that he sports a green belt that holds his bey and launcher, along with that he wears a mask that covers half of his face.
(bey info)
Bey Name: Steal Fafnir
Layer name/description(speed mode):Name: Heist || Description, the base contains three contact points, on this layer they stick out like wings, the wings have the signature F rubber on them.
Layer name/description (energy mode): Name: steal || description: in this mode, the bey's wings are less prominent and the original rubber f's are larger and the rubber is softer.
Chip name/description: Name: Fafnir || description: a gold dragon is shown with red eyes and a blue outline.
Chassis name/description: Name: SS || description: the SS chassis or the Super Stamina chassis has a very round design with a heavy amount of metal around the outside
Forge disc: name/description: Name: Triple || Description the triple-disc features 3 medium-ish, large blades covered in a thin-ish coat of rubber
Driver name/description: Name: curb || Description: the driver features a strong platinum spring that gives it high burst resistance, along with that there's a small metal gyro in the middle of the driver, the driver features a gap between the base of the bey and the round globe type tip.
(special moves)
List the special moves below (max cap of moves is 6)
1. Drain: the Beyblade rushes towards the opponent hitting against it spinning faster the more it hits the Beyblade, the Beyblade does this until its spinning fast enough to rush in and burst the Beyblade, this move can only be activated when the bey is low on stamina and only against right spin Beyblades
2. defense smash: the bey spins in the middle of the stadium, using weight distribution when it's hit it leans back and smashes back into the beyblade!
Shu Kurenai
Name: Shu Kurenai
Eye color: red
Age: 15
What they look like: hu has white hair and red eyes, he sports a black bandana holding his hair back and his signature red glove, he wears high boots and jeans and a vest, leaving his shoulders and arms exposed, he also sports an armband that holds his bey and his launcher is held on a clip on his jeans.
(bey info)
Bey Name: Smash Spriggan
Layer name/description(speed mode): Break: the bey sports the gold "axes" that the spriggan requiem does, it also has two smaller blades that are round in shape in spring-loaded. The bey also includes two rubber blades, the base is dual-spin as every spriggan
Layer name/description (energy mode): smash: the smash layer includes extended rubber from the blades and also eliminates the spring-loaded round "bumpers" the gold axes are also larger and more prominent.
Chip name/description: Spriggan Y: the spriggan Y chip features the spriggan on the bottom with the helmet reaching the top, the top also features two axes crossed across each other.
Chassis name/description: BB: the BB chassis A.K.The balance blade chassis features a round meal piece with four metal pieces sticking out, it also features the four rubber points in between the metal pieces surrounded by a plastic that comes halfway out into the rubber.
Forge disc: name/description: Ake: the Ake driver features rubber on the prongs giving any layer you use more burst resistance, along with that I features six small blades that create high attack and stamina potential.
Driver name/description: Zeta 2: the zeta 2 driver is an upgraded/evolved version of the zeta driver, it has a stamina mode with a wide, round tip. the attack mode features a metal ring and a sharp plastic tip. the defense mode features a wide tip with a small round endpoint with a rubber ring surrounding it.
(special moves)
List the special moves below (max cap of moves is 6)
1. Axe smash: the Beyblade smashes into the opponent with the axes again and again until the Beyblade bursts.
2. Infamy crash: the Beyblade smashes its rubber blades into its opponent with high aggression.
3. Recoil god: the beyblade strikes with the axes from a low point, the recoil bounces it against the wall and it zooms back against the beyblade again and again, until it bursts.
Delta Akane
Name: Delta Akane
Eye color: Red
Age: 12
What they look like: Delta features ripped grey jeans and tall boots. He has an arm sleeve up to just under his elbow on the right arm. he also features an elbow pad on the left arm. he features a t-shirt with the bey-club logo on it.
(bey info)
Bey Name: Range Diabolos
Layer name/description(speed mode): Scout: the Scout layer has 6 main contact points, with 4 large contact points and 2 smaller ones, the smaller blades are covered in rubber. the bigger ones have metal fused into it.
Layer name/description (energy mode): Range: the range energy plate features small rubber bumps on the 4 main contact points. there are 2 more spring-loaded contact points on this plate.
Chip name/description: Diabolos V5: the Diabolos V5 chip features a dragon across both the top and bottom, the chip also features a flame coming from the dragon's eye.
Chassis name/description: A6: the A6 chassis A.K.A the Attack Six features a rubber base around six metal protrusions on the metal ring of the chassis
Forge disc: name/description: 00
Frame name/description(optional): Bolt: the bolt frame contains six bolts on the frame, the frame has 8 "bumps" but only six of them have the metal bolts in them
Driver name/description: Burned: the burned driver has a turning wheel in the driver, when the wheel gets turned by scraping the end of the driver protrudes out more and more until its all the way out.
(special moves)
List the special moves below (max cap of moves is 6)
1. Range zone: in speed mode, the Beyblade can take a defensive stance in the middle and absorbs any attacks by pivoting and using weight distribution to attack back.
2. burster: in energy mode, the beyblade will speed around the outer edge and smashes into the beyblade with the rubber bumps ripping the layer off
chapter 1
Delta: "Can't believe we're the first Two to get an RS bey"
Shu: "I know, they feel so powerful"
Free would walk into the room
Free: "so anyone up to test these RS beys?"
Delta and shu: "You have an RS bey?"
Free: "well, yeah... it's the newest thing in Beyblade, why wouldn't I have one"
Delta: "Well let's test these things, 3-way battle!"
Shu: "I'm in"
Free: "a poor choice... you stand no chance against my Steal Fafnir!"
Delta: "Yeah right, my range Diabolos will destroy your bey"
Shu: "you're both wrong... smash spriggan will burst you both"
all three of them: "let's do this"
Shu, Delta, and Free would ready their launcher
Shu: "3"
Delta: "2"
Free: "1"
Shu & Delta & Free: "Let it rip"
Steal Fafnir would take the center of the stadium.
Shu: "Burst them all spriggan"
spriggan would smash into Fafnir, Fafnir would receive a huge speed boost from the strike
Delta: "Are You stupid, you can't beat a left spin stamina type in right spin mode"
Shu: "shut up delta"
Delta: "Diabolos, Special move BURSTER"
Diabolos would rush around the stadium before smashing into spriggan
Shu: "Nice try but that won't work, Spriggan AXE SMASH"
spriggan would rush around the stadium and smash into the back of diabolos, just before diabolos would burst an unknown bey would fly into the stadium
???: "Inferno Dragon, Final burn!"
inferno dragon would race around the outer edge with great speed and power, slamming into spriggan and diabolos bursting them both.
Shu: "who are you"
the mystery character would jump down from the rafters
???: My Name's Dax Koryu, and this is my bey Inferno Dragon!
To be continued...
(Jun. 03, 2021 3:09 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote: [ -> ]chapter 1
Delta: "Can't believe we're the first Two to get an RS bey"
Shu: "I know, they feel so powerful"
Free would walk into the room
Free: "so anyone up to test these RS beys?"
Delta and shu: "You have an RS bey?"
Free: "well, yeah... it's the newest thing in Beyblade, why wouldn't I have one"
Delta: "Well let's test these things, 3-way battle!"
Shu: "I'm in"
Free: "a poor choice... you stand no chance against my Steal Fafnir!"
Delta: "Yeah right, my range Diabolos will destroy your bey"
Shu: "you're both wrong... smash spriggan will burst you both"
all three of them: "let's do this"
Shu, Delta, and Free would ready their launcher
Shu: "3"
Delta: "2"
Free: "1"
Shu & Delta & Free: "Let it rip"
Steal Fafnir would take the center of the stadium.
Shu: "Burst them all spriggan"
spriggan would smash into Fafnir, Fafnir would receive a huge speed boost from the strike
Delta: "Are You stupid, you can't beat a left spin stamina type in right spin mode"
Shu: "shut up delta"
Delta: "Diabolos, Special move BURSTER"
Diabolos would rush around the stadium before smashing into spriggan
Shu: "Nice try but that won't work, Spriggan AXE SMASH"
spriggan would rush around the stadium and smash into the back of diabolos, just before diabolos would burst an unknown bey would fly into the stadium
???: "Inferno Dragon, Final burn!"
inferno dragon would race around the outer edge with great speed and power, slamming into spriggan and diabolos bursting them both.
Shu: "who are you"
the mystery character would jump down from the rafters
???: My Name's Dax Koryu, and this is my bey Inferno Dragon!
To be continued...
Ima just straight up say that sounds nothing like Free Shu and Delta lemme get my rating system ready tho
(Jun. 03, 2021 3:41 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: [ -> ] (Jun. 03, 2021 3:09 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote: [ -> ]chapter 1
Delta: "Can't believe we're the first Two to get an RS bey"
Shu: "I know, they feel so powerful"
Free would walk into the room
Free: "so anyone up to test these RS beys?"
Delta and shu: "You have an RS bey?"
Free: "well, yeah... it's the newest thing in Beyblade, why wouldn't I have one"
Delta: "Well let's test these things, 3-way battle!"
Shu: "I'm in"
Free: "a poor choice... you stand no chance against my Steal Fafnir!"
Delta: "Yeah right, my range Diabolos will destroy your bey"
Shu: "you're both wrong... smash spriggan will burst you both"
all three of them: "let's do this"
Shu, Delta, and Free would ready their launcher
Shu: "3"
Delta: "2"
Free: "1"
Shu & Delta & Free: "Let it rip"
Steal Fafnir would take the center of the stadium.
Shu: "Burst them all spriggan"
spriggan would smash into Fafnir, Fafnir would receive a huge speed boost from the strike
Delta: "Are You stupid, you can't beat a left spin stamina type in right spin mode"
Shu: "shut up delta"
Delta: "Diabolos, Special move BURSTER"
Diabolos would rush around the stadium before smashing into spriggan
Shu: "Nice try but that won't work, Spriggan AXE SMASH"
spriggan would rush around the stadium and smash into the back of diabolos, just before diabolos would burst an unknown bey would fly into the stadium
???: "Inferno Dragon, Final burn!"
inferno dragon would race around the outer edge with great speed and power, slamming into spriggan and diabolos bursting them both.
Shu: "who are you"
the mystery character would jump down from the rafters
???: My Name's Dax Koryu, and this is my bey Inferno Dragon!
To be continued...
Ima just straight up say that sounds nothing like Free Shu and Delta lemme get my rating system ready tho
I'll work on that
Alright sorry but I'm using your rating system (Hope that's ok)
Plot: 1/5. Feels like nothing is really happening.
Dialogue: 1/5. Nothing really exciting is happening just them talking about beys
Characterization: 1/5. Like I said before that sounds nothing like Free Shu and Delta. try rewatching the season that they were in.
Grammar: 4/5. Can't spot any mistakes only little ones.
Battle: 1/5. It is honestly not that good because they were kinda bullying my man Delta also the battle felt really weird.
8/25 needs work but I know you can do it (Not trying to be mean just my feedback)
this may be a bit soon but here's chapter two... I'll release chapters as I find time... there will probably be a lot of chapters to this series... anyways, hers chapter 2
Free would grab his bey and walkout
Dax: "hey where are you going"
Free wouldn't respond
Shu: "Who do you think you are interrupting our battle!" he said as he grabbed his spriggan
Dax: "I'm Dax koryu, and I'm the next world champion"
Delta: "not with that attitude"
Dax: "what are you saying"
Delta: "I'm saying stop being so cocky, You're not a world champion, nor will you be"
Shu: "he's right, you're not winning the world championship tournament"
Dax: "just watch me"
Delta: "whatever" He said walking off
Dax: "hey don't walk off"
Delta would push the doors open and walk outside
Shu: "well Dax koryu, if you think your such the blader then prove it! i-"
before Shu could finish his sentence Dax would jump in
Dax: "Battle me, I'll prove my strength"
Shu: "No, I only battle worthy opponents"
Dax: "I'm a worthy opponent... I burst your spriggan Didn't I"
Shu: "You did, by a surprise attack.. an underhanded tactic"
Dax: "I still did it didn't I?"
Shu: "quit while you're ahead your little gremlin"
Shu was starting to get annoyed with Dax
Dax: "No... Battle me and inferno Dragon!"
Shu slides his launcher out slightly before pushing it back into its slot
Shu: "Wait your turn, You'll get your battle at the world championship"
Shu would walk-off
Dax: "aw man I really wanted to battle"
Dax would wander into the woods where he found free
Dax: "hey Free de la hoya, battle me"
Startled by Dax yelling at him Free would fall out of the tree he was in
Dax: "uh you ok dude"
Free would get up without saying a word. He would pick up his Fafnir that fell with him
Dax: "battle me... Now"
Free would remain standing there staring at Dax
Dax: "Dude what the hell is your problem, stop staring and battle me"
free would walk over to the old stadium
Dax: "Finally"
Free would hold out his bey in his hand prepared to hand launch it
Dax: "uhh where your launcher... I'm not that weak you know"
free didn't move
Dax: "alright, don't cry to me when you lose" he clicked inferno dragon into his launcher
Dax: "3...2...1.. Let it rip" he pulled on the ripcord with great strength
free would spin his bey with his hand, creating a wobbly spin
Dax: "Ha this will be easy, Inferno Dragon, special move, Final burn!"
Dragon would spin around and around the stadium striking Fafnir again and again prepping a huge strike,
Free would crake a small smile
Dragon finally smashed into Fafnir with all the energy of the attack.
Dax: "what how is Fafnir spinning faster"
Free: "Fafnir has the ability to spin steal against right spin Beyblades like yourself"
Dax: "So you can speak"
Fafnir would take the middle
Free: "Defense smash"
Dax: I'll end this now, inferno dragon, special move, RAGE ZONE
Inferno dragon would shift forward and speed at Fafnir.
Dax: "Finish him, destroy fafnir"
He would smash into Fafnir with high speeds. Fafnir would lean back his rubber striking the stadium floor before smashing back with the weight distribution. Inferno dragon would lose quite a bit of stamina
Dax: "ahhhhhhh... I won't lose"
birds would fly out of the trees at Dax yelling
Free: "any more of this and you'll lose"
Dax: inferno Dragon, Uses his tricks against him
Inferno dragon would slowly move in, hitting against Fafnir, every time Fafnir hit the rubber bumps on the Inferno layer it would spin faster again.
Dax: "ha... I outsmarted your outsmarting... Now Inferno Dragon, special move, FINAL BURN"
Inferno dragon would race around the stadium smashing into Fafnir Knocking Fafnir out of the middle
Dax: "Now Dragon, defensive stance, hold your ground"
Free would slightly smile
Fafnir would speed into the middle and slowly drain inferno Dragon of all its spin
dragon would wobble greatly as Fafnir would spin around the stadium
Dax: "How.. You didn't burst when you were supposed to. Dragon... charge at Fafnir"
dragon would chase Fafnir around the stadium before running out of stamina and scraping along the stadium floor.
Free would pick up Fafnir and walk-off
Dax: "I'll beat you someday Free de la hoya"
Delta lurking behind a bush: " I told you... you aren't world championship material...
[Deleted Post}
(Jun. 03, 2021 4:50 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote: [ -> ]this may be a bit soon but here's chapter two... I'll release chapters as I find time... there will probably be a lot of chapters to this series... anyways, hers chapter 2
Free would grab his bey and walkout
Dax: "hey where are you going"
Free wouldn't respond
Shu: "Who do you think you are interrupting our battle!" he said as he grabbed his spriggan
Dax: "I'm Dax koryu, and I'm the next world champion"
Delta: "not with that attitude"
Dax: "what are you saying"
Delta: "I'm saying stop being so cocky, You're not a world champion, nor will you be"
Shu: "he's right, you're not winning the world championship tournament"
Dax: "just watch me"
Delta: "whatever" He said walking off
Dax: "hey don't walk off"
Delta would push the doors open and walk outside
Shu: "well Dax koryu, if you think your such the blader then prove it! i-"
before Shu could finish his sentence Dax would jump in
Dax: "Battle me, I'll prove my strength"
Shu: "No, I only battle worthy opponents"
Dax: "I'm a worthy opponent... I burst your spriggan Didn't I"
Shu: "You did, by a surprise attack.. an underhanded tactic"
Dax: "I still did it didn't I?"
Shu: "quit while you're ahead your little gremlin"
Shu was starting to get annoyed with Dax
Dax: "No... Battle me and inferno Dragon!"
Shu slides his launcher out slightly before pushing it back into its slot
Shu: "Wait your turn, You'll get your battle at the world championship"
Shu would walk-off
Dax: "aw man I really wanted to battle"
Dax would wander into the woods where he found free
Dax: "hey Free de la hoya, battle me"
Startled by Dax yelling at him Free would fall out of the tree he was in
Dax: "uh you ok dude"
Free would get up without saying a word. He would pick up his Fafnir that fell with him
Dax: "battle me... Now"
Free would remain standing there staring at Dax
Dax: "Dude what the hell is your problem, stop staring and battle me"
free would walk over to the old stadium
Dax: "Finally"
Free would hold out his bey in his hand prepared to hand launch it
Dax: "uhh where your launcher... I'm not that weak you know"
free didn't move
Dax: "alright, don't cry to me when you lose" he clicked inferno dragon into his launcher
Dax: "3...2...1.. Let it rip" he pulled on the ripcord with great strength
free would spin his bey with his hand, creating a wobbly spin
Dax: "Ha this will be easy, Inferno Dragon, special move, Final burn!"
Dragon would spin around and around the stadium striking Fafnir again and again prepping a huge strike,
Free would crake a small smile
Dragon finally smashed into Fafnir with all the energy of the attack.
Dax: "what how is Fafnir spinning faster"
Free: "Fafnir has the ability to spin steal against right spin Beyblades like yourself"
Dax: "So you can speak"
Fafnir would take the middle
Free: "Defense smash"
Dax: I'll end this now, inferno dragon, special move, RAGE ZONE
Inferno dragon would shift forward and speed at Fafnir.
Dax: "Finish him, destroy fafnir"
He would smash into Fafnir with high speeds. Fafnir would lean back his rubber striking the stadium floor before smashing back with the weight distribution. Inferno dragon would lose quite a bit of stamina
Dax: "ahhhhhhh... I won't lose"
birds would fly out of the trees at Dax yelling
Free: "any more of this and you'll lose"
Dax: inferno Dragon, Uses his tricks against him
Inferno dragon would slowly move in, hitting against Fafnir, every time Fafnir hit the rubber bumps on the Inferno layer it would spin faster again.
Dax: "ha... I outsmarted your outsmarting... Now Inferno Dragon, special move, FINAL BURN"
Inferno dragon would race around the stadium smashing into Fafnir Knocking Fafnir out of the middle
Dax: "Now Dragon, defensive stance, hold your ground"
Free would slightly smile
Fafnir would speed into the middle and slowly drain inferno Dragon of all its spin
dragon would wobble greatly as Fafnir would spin around the stadium
Dax: "How.. You didn't burst when you were supposed to. Dragon... charge at Fafnir"
dragon would chase Fafnir around the stadium before running out of stamina and scraping along the stadium floor.
Free would pick up Fafnir and walk-off
Dax: "I'll beat you someday Free de la hoya"
Delta lurking behind a bush: " I told you... you aren't world championship material...
Plot: 2/5. Ok, there isn't really that good of a plot other than Dax wanting to battle the legends and the legends being straight-up rude.
Dialogue: 1/5. The dialogue doesn't really go with the plot that I'm picking up
Characterization: 2/5. You did ok with Free but it's not like him to fall out of a tree and Delta's nice now and Shu is not that rude.
Grammar: 4/5. Can't spot any mistakes only little ones.
Battle: 1/5. The battle kinda felt random and we basically know nothing about Fafnir you could have let Dax inspect Fafnir so we could learn about it's gimik. (Also why where how and when are Free Shu and Delta together)
10/25 You've gotten better but you still have some work to do (Not trying to be mean just my feedback)
(Jun. 03, 2021 4:58 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: [ -> ][Deleted Post}
(Jun. 03, 2021 4:50 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote: [ -> ]this may be a bit soon but here's chapter two... I'll release chapters as I find time... there will probably be a lot of chapters to this series... anyways, hers chapter 2
Free would grab his bey and walkout
Dax: "hey where are you going"
Free wouldn't respond
Shu: "Who do you think you are interrupting our battle!" he said as he grabbed his spriggan
Dax: "I'm Dax koryu, and I'm the next world champion"
Delta: "not with that attitude"
Dax: "what are you saying"
Delta: "I'm saying stop being so cocky, You're not a world champion, nor will you be"
Shu: "he's right, you're not winning the world championship tournament"
Dax: "just watch me"
Delta: "whatever" He said walking off
Dax: "hey don't walk off"
Delta would push the doors open and walk outside
Shu: "well Dax koryu, if you think your such the blader then prove it! i-"
before Shu could finish his sentence Dax would jump in
Dax: "Battle me, I'll prove my strength"
Shu: "No, I only battle worthy opponents"
Dax: "I'm a worthy opponent... I burst your spriggan Didn't I"
Shu: "You did, by a surprise attack.. an underhanded tactic"
Dax: "I still did it didn't I?"
Shu: "quit while you're ahead your little gremlin"
Shu was starting to get annoyed with Dax
Dax: "No... Battle me and inferno Dragon!"
Shu slides his launcher out slightly before pushing it back into its slot
Shu: "Wait your turn, You'll get your battle at the world championship"
Shu would walk-off
Dax: "aw man I really wanted to battle"
Dax would wander into the woods where he found free
Dax: "hey Free de la hoya, battle me"
Startled by Dax yelling at him Free would fall out of the tree he was in
Dax: "uh you ok dude"
Free would get up without saying a word. He would pick up his Fafnir that fell with him
Dax: "battle me... Now"
Free would remain standing there staring at Dax
Dax: "Dude what the hell is your problem, stop staring and battle me"
free would walk over to the old stadium
Dax: "Finally"
Free would hold out his bey in his hand prepared to hand launch it
Dax: "uhh where your launcher... I'm not that weak you know"
free didn't move
Dax: "alright, don't cry to me when you lose" he clicked inferno dragon into his launcher
Dax: "3...2...1.. Let it rip" he pulled on the ripcord with great strength
free would spin his bey with his hand, creating a wobbly spin
Dax: "Ha this will be easy, Inferno Dragon, special move, Final burn!"
Dragon would spin around and around the stadium striking Fafnir again and again prepping a huge strike,
Free would crake a small smile
Dragon finally smashed into Fafnir with all the energy of the attack.
Dax: "what how is Fafnir spinning faster"
Free: "Fafnir has the ability to spin steal against right spin Beyblades like yourself"
Dax: "So you can speak"
Fafnir would take the middle
Free: "Defense smash"
Dax: I'll end this now, inferno dragon, special move, RAGE ZONE
Inferno dragon would shift forward and speed at Fafnir.
Dax: "Finish him, destroy fafnir"
He would smash into Fafnir with high speeds. Fafnir would lean back his rubber striking the stadium floor before smashing back with the weight distribution. Inferno dragon would lose quite a bit of stamina
Dax: "ahhhhhhh... I won't lose"
birds would fly out of the trees at Dax yelling
Free: "any more of this and you'll lose"
Dax: inferno Dragon, Uses his tricks against him
Inferno dragon would slowly move in, hitting against Fafnir, every time Fafnir hit the rubber bumps on the Inferno layer it would spin faster again.
Dax: "ha... I outsmarted your outsmarting... Now Inferno Dragon, special move, FINAL BURN"
Inferno dragon would race around the stadium smashing into Fafnir Knocking Fafnir out of the middle
Dax: "Now Dragon, defensive stance, hold your ground"
Free would slightly smile
Fafnir would speed into the middle and slowly drain inferno Dragon of all its spin
dragon would wobble greatly as Fafnir would spin around the stadium
Dax: "How.. You didn't burst when you were supposed to. Dragon... charge at Fafnir"
dragon would chase Fafnir around the stadium before running out of stamina and scraping along the stadium floor.
Free would pick up Fafnir and walk-off
Dax: "I'll beat you someday Free de la hoya"
Delta lurking behind a bush: " I told you... you aren't world championship material...
Plot: 2/5. Ok, there isn't really that good of a plot other than Dax wanting to battle the legends and the legends being straight-up rude.
Dialogue: 1/5. The dialogue doesn't really go with the plot that I'm picking up
Characterization: 2/5. You did ok with Free but it's not like him to fall out of a tree and Delta's nice now and Shu is not that rude.
Grammar: 4/5. Can't spot any mistakes only little ones.
Battle: 1/5. The battle kinda felt random and we basically know nothing about Fafnir you could have let Dax inspect Fafnir so we could learn about it's gimik. (Also why where how and when are Free Shu and Delta together)
10/25 You've gotten better but you still have some work to do (Not trying to be mean just my feedback)
Well free shu and delta and Dax are the only characters I have to use for now, so.. yeah, free is more of a there or not character, so not like they're gonna be together a lot and the shu and delta thing will explain it's self through out the story line
(Jun. 03, 2021 5:03 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote: [ -> ] (Jun. 03, 2021 4:58 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: [ -> ][Deleted Post}
Plot: 2/5. Ok, there isn't really that good of a plot other than Dax wanting to battle the legends and the legends being straight-up rude.
Dialogue: 1/5. The dialogue doesn't really go with the plot that I'm picking up
Characterization: 2/5. You did ok with Free but it's not like him to fall out of a tree and Delta's nice now and Shu is not that rude.
Grammar: 4/5. Can't spot any mistakes only little ones.
Battle: 1/5. The battle kinda felt random and we basically know nothing about Fafnir you could have let Dax inspect Fafnir so we could learn about it's gimik. (Also why where how and when are Free Shu and Delta together)
10/25 You've gotten better but you still have some work to do (Not trying to be mean just my feedback)
Well free shu and delta and Dax are the only characters I have to use for now, so.. yeah, free is more of a there or not character, so not like they're gonna be together a lot and the shu and delta thing will explain it's self through out the story line
Try spacing it it's a little hard.to read
seriously, I need more characters... I'll create more by myself if no one adds any
(Jun. 03, 2021 6:00 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote: [ -> ]seriously, I need more characters... I'll create more by myself if no one adds any
Name: Kurin Lopez
Bey: Cyclone Knight
Siblings: he is the younger brother of Kit Lopez
Personality: h has a but of a temper but he has a soft spot
Looks: he wears red jacket with a black T-shirt and white and has free eyes and wears a kit's hat but back words and has brown hair
Moves: Cyclone sense and Cyclone guard
Honestly, I gotta agree with Strike on this one. First, you need to work on punctuation. There is an insane amount of punctuation error. Second of all, there is no real plot. Currently it is just random battles that start when Dax screams at someone. Third, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT ANYTHING LOOKS LIKE! There is no descriptive language.
As much as I wanna see where this goes, I have my doubts. If you improve all the things outlined in this this post though... well... we'll get there when we get there.
BRUH.. does no one read the character templates... that's where most of the describing happens, but I'll work on it... or scrape this entire thing IDK
(Jun. 03, 2021 7:09 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote: [ -> ]BRUH.. does no one read the character templates... that's where most of the describing happens, but I'll work on it... or scrape this entire thing IDK
That doesn't describe anything around us though.
seriously if you wanna know what the parts are like and the characters I filled out some long a** character sheets with bey and personal character info on them
(Jun. 03, 2021 7:12 PM)USN Wrote: [ -> ] (Jun. 03, 2021 7:09 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote: [ -> ]BRUH.. does no one read the character templates... that's where most of the describing happens, but I'll work on it... or scrape this entire thing IDK
That doesn't describe anything around us though.
oh
(Jun. 03, 2021 7:14 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote: [ -> ]seriously if you wanna know what the parts are like and the characters I filled out some long a** character sheets with bey and personal character info on them
I meant scenery.
so honestly I got ideas I just can't write fan fiction... it never comes out right
also, I had 4 characters to work with.. and this is my first time trying to write fan fiction
(Jun. 03, 2021 7:16 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote: [ -> ]so honestly I got ideas I just can't write fan fiction... it never comes out right
also, I had 4 characters to work with.. and this is my first time trying to write fan fiction
I think you should keep trying. You've only been at it for 2 chapters.
(Jun. 03, 2021 8:23 PM)USN Wrote: [ -> ] (Jun. 03, 2021 7:16 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote: [ -> ]so honestly I got ideas I just can't write fan fiction... it never comes out right
also, I had 4 characters to work with.. and this is my first time trying to write fan fiction
I think you should keep trying. You've only been at it for 2 chapters.
Sorry if this is off topic but I have a question for
Any tips for the organizer quiz (Don't tell me answer tho lol)
(Jun. 03, 2021 8:27 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: [ -> ] (Jun. 03, 2021 8:23 PM)USN Wrote: [ -> ]I think you should keep trying. You've only been at it for 2 chapters.
Sorry if this is off topic but I have a question for Any tips for the organizer quiz (Don't tell me answer tho lol)
Same