Meet Jacob Kong A boy who wanted to become the BEST blader in the world with his bey Siber Jackel.
together Jacob and his friends will become the strongest there is This is Beyblade
Info
name: Jacob King Kong (lol yes his middle name is King)
Bey: Siber Jackel
Age: 13
Personality: he is so caring, Brave loves to pull pranks but always make sure that everyone is ok and can be a little lazy
likes: he loves sweets and has a little crush and loves pulling pranks
dislikes: he dislikes bullies and HATES Ryui Kagami
ep list
Ep 1
Ep 2
Ep 3
Ep 4
Ep 5
[spoiler]
bond
[/sp
yup here are some upcoming characters
name: Ryui Kagam
bey: amazon Ranson
moves: attack type with 4 blades and a special move that allows all the blade to shoot right out he calls is Amazon beast
personality: he can be pretty mean but he loves sweet and loves being sarcastic
age: 13
Yo I'm done with school
No wonder they hate each other 😆
(May. 27, 2021 6:53 PM)JJustice Wrote: [ -> ]yup here are some upcoming characters
name: Ryui Kagam
bey: amazon Ranson
moves: attack type with 4 blades and a special move that allows all the blade to shoot right out he calls is Amazon beast
personality: he can be pretty mean but he loves sweet and loves being sarcastic
age: 13
"Loves being sarcastic"hehe I can do some stuff with that...hehe...
Huh?Why the-
Yo JJustice?
Ok I'm signed in
Imgflip is pure hilariousness
JJustice good job bro
"Ryui! Join me...or DIE!!!!
Heads up shun's bey has a secret part...!!!!
Yup still don't know what it is so I'mma start hitting the beybade books
Chapter 2 preview
Wyton: WOLLER
Ryui: RANSON
Jacob's mind: PLEASE LOOSE
(Woller burst)
(May. 27, 2021 10:51 PM)JJustice Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter 1
The Big meet
mom: Jacob wake up your gonna be late for that tournament
Jacob: Oh yeah the tournament me and Shun are gonna crush that thing.
mom: ok ok don't get too excited
Jacob: *changes* I will eat breakfast later
(Jacob heads downstairs)
Jacob: bye mom
mom: bye *gives him a banana*
Shun: hey man what took you so long
Jacob: I woke up late
Shun: OH nothing too exciting I guess
(they reach the building)
Shun: where here I'm heading to the locker rooms
-------------------
Meet Shun Uji he is a strong blader with his bey Saber System
--------------------
Jacob: hmm who else is here
Ryui: JACOB
Jacob: huh RYUI WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
Ryui: ha I don't have time for this my match is up and I don't need some extra in my way
-----------
Meet Ryui Kagam he wants to be the world best blader with his bey Amazon Ranson
-----------
Jacob's mind: WHAT IS RYUI DOING HERE THIS IS A BIG MEET
Ryui: bye EXTRA
Jacob: I PROMISE WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU
Announcer: HELLO EVERYONE WE HAVE AN EXCITING MATCH FOR YOU
Jacob: hmm I wonder who it will be
Announcer: We have Ryui Kagam vs Wyton Lo-jin
Jacob's mind: PLEASE MAKE RYUI LOOSE PLEASE
To Be Continued
Grammar: 2/5 There are a lot of mistakes to be seen in grammar (But I do the same thing lol)
Story: 1/5 I feel like there is nothing really happening just people talking about a tournament
Characters: 2/5 We don't really learn anything about them other than two of them are friends and they don't like the other person
Dialogue: 2/5: It feels like there talking for the sake of talking there's not really a topic
Length: 3/5 You've gotten better but I kinda wish we got into the tournament and it still feels like your rushing so try slowing down
10/25 I'm not trying to be mean but this needs a lot of work but don't worry you can improve.
Plz do not be mad at me I'm just trying to help u improve
You can rate my fanfic if u want but I recommend going over to other people's fanfic and try setting it up similar to how they do it don't copy but try making the format kinda seem a bit better
(Jun. 01, 2021 6:34 PM)Strikegamerv6 Wrote: [ -> ] (May. 27, 2021 10:51 PM)JJustice Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter 1
The Big meet
mom: Jacob wake up your gonna be late for that tournament
Jacob: Oh yeah the tournament me and Shun are gonna crush that thing.
mom: ok ok don't get too excited
Jacob: *changes* I will eat breakfast later
(Jacob heads downstairs)
Jacob: bye mom
mom: bye *gives him a banana*
Shun: hey man what took you so long
Jacob: I woke up late
Shun: OH nothing too exciting I guess
(they reach the building)
Shun: where here I'm heading to the locker rooms
-------------------
Meet Shun Uji he is a strong blader with his bey Saber System
--------------------
Jacob: hmm who else is here
Ryui: JACOB
Jacob: huh RYUI WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
Ryui: ha I don't have time for this my match is up and I don't need some extra in my way
-----------
Meet Ryui Kagam he wants to be the world best blader with his bey Amazon Ranson
-----------
Jacob's mind: WHAT IS RYUI DOING HERE THIS IS A BIG MEET
Ryui: bye EXTRA
Jacob: I PROMISE WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU
Announcer: HELLO EVERYONE WE HAVE AN EXCITING MATCH FOR YOU
Jacob: hmm I wonder who it will be
Announcer: We have Ryui Kagam vs Wyton Lo-jin
Jacob's mind: PLEASE MAKE RYUI LOOSE PLEASE
To Be Continued
Grammar: 2/5 There are a lot of mistakes to be seen in grammar (But I do the same thing lol)
Story: 1/5 I feel like there is nothing really happening just people talking about a tournament
Characters: 2/5 We don't really learn anything about them other than two of them are friends and they don't like the other person
Dialogue: 2/5: It feels like there talking for the sake of talking there's not really a topic
Length: 3/5 You've gotten better but I kinda wish we got into the tournament and it still feels like your rushing so try slowing down
10/25 I'm not trying to be mean but this needs a lot of work but don't worry you can improve. Plz do not be mad at me I'm just trying to help u improve
You can rate my fanfic if u want but I recommend going over to other people's fanfic and try setting it up similar to how they do it don't copy but try making the format kinda seem a bit better
Dude chill I'm not mad your just helping me improve
(Jun. 03, 2021 8:38 PM)JJustice Wrote: [ -> ]chapter 2
the Justice Blader
reff: Ready set.
all: 3 2 1.
Wyton/Ryui: LET IT RIP.
Wyton's mind: I CAN"T LOOSE.
Wyton: WOLLER JAM BREAK.
Ryui: HA RANSON LITTLE BIT ATTACK.
Ranson charges at Woller but does and uno reverse on ranson.
Ryui: WTS IS THAT.
Wyton: oh that's Jam break it allows me to send my opponent's move sending back at them nothing to serious.
Announcer: WOAH WOLLER SEEMS THE BE SNAP POWERFUL.
shun: *looks at system*
Jacob: Woah that Wolly bey is powerful.
Wyton: THE SNAP DID I JUST HERE IS WOLLER NOT WOLLY OR WOLFY WOLLER.
Jacob's mind: HOW DID HE HERE THAT.
Ryui: NOW.
Woller burst.
Wyton: h-how.
ryui: you were to busy talking to the pathetic loser over there I won.
Announcer: well that's it folks are next battle will be Wyton vs Shun uji
Shun: this I'll be interesting,
Jacob: yeah your gonna win I know it oh and have you ever thought of making a team?
Shun: yeah do you wanna start one?
Jacob: Sure after your match!
Shun: KK
Lol do people read this
Grammar 3.5/5: some things are spelled wrong which makes it a little hard to understand when reading through quickly
characters; 4/5 the characters are good they just seem like different variations of valt to me
Story 3/5 nothings really happened too much yet but it's a pretty solid base
Battle 3/5 the battle was more of a funny battle than a serious one, it was also very short
13.5/20 it's a good base(better than mine) but needs work overall it's not bad
(Jun. 04, 2021 5:51 PM)JJustice Wrote: [ -> ] (Jun. 04, 2021 5:36 PM)Lucha Burst Wrote: [ -> ]
Grammar 3.5/5: some things are spelled wrong which makes it a little hard to understand when reading through quickly
characters; 4/5 the characters are good they just seem like different variations of valt to me
Story 3/5 nothings really happened too much yet but it's a pretty solid base
Battle 3/5 the battle was more of a funny battle than a serious one, it was also very short
13.5/20 it's a good base(better than mine) but needs work overall it's not bad
Thanks dude
Chapter 3
Battle of a life Time
Announcer: alright bladers get ready.
Reff: Ready set.
Shun: 3.
Wyton: 2.
Shun: 1.
Shun & Wyton: LET IT RIP.
System charges at Woller.
Shun: Black lighting!!!
System sends a Lighting bolt at Woller.
Wyton's mind: I won't loose never again.
Woller: And I won't either.
Wyton: COUNTER THAT WITH DAWN GUARD.
Woller blocks System attack with its shield.
Shun's mind: What type of defence was that.
Meanwhile.
????: *Poisen's drink* here you go.
Jo: Thank you my name is Jo *drinks*
Jo Dies.
???: That's what you get for destroying my bey HAHAHA
Meanwhile.
Shun: AHH ATTACK.
Shun's auruo fires up.
Wyton: Woller DON'T LET ME DOWN.
Burst
How is this chapter?
Mind if I rate this?
Imma do it anyway. Rating Fanfics is a hobby of mine. Hopefully you don't mind.
Grammar: 2/5: A lot of words are misspelled and some lines would benefit with different kinds of punctuation.
Story: 1/5: There's not much of a story, is there? It's just very short battles and people screaming special moves. Also some guy died.
Characters: 1/5: we learn nothing about any of the characters. Our main character Loves blading and has a best friend and they both hate some guy. That's really basic and none of the characters are that likable and are just clones of Valt and Ryui is just a mean kid and nothing else. Then there's a psychopath.
Dialogue: 1/5: The characters either talk about blading or scream special moves. At least have them talk about some other things when they're not battling. The Dialogue also sounds monotone and there's not much emotion in the dialogue.
Length/Pacing: 1/5: The chapters are WAY too short. I can read all of them in less than 3 minutes. The pacing is way too fast. There's not enough time for any of us to get used to something or grasp what's going on. They just jump from place to place and it feels a little awkward.
Total: 6/25: This Story could benefit from Longer chapters and better pacing. No hate I'm just trying to help you improve.