World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

i used charactors from the show please dont say stuff like "tht suks and i just want ur honst opnion if u think it suks please say it nicely thanx ok here ill edit it after





…Our story begins with a gang named White-TigerX and there 2 leader
Ray & Max. Now these 2 kids weren’t your “average” kids they were smart well, mannered guys who made bad choices. Ok before, these 2 kids were part of another gang called the PPB all-stars. The 2 decided to join, but soon about a year after they were kicked because the gang decided they would show the other gangs that they could take out members and still win fights. The moment max and ray said “why?” (They enjoyed being in the gang) they were stomped on and ripped to shreds. In anger and the demand for vengeance the two started there own gang and they ended up getting many members.
Still before all the gang stuff they were amazing students and were generally good guys. Ok so what we know so far is that 2 kids started a gang named White-TigerX and the reason was that they decided to join a gang and eventually they grew to like the gang and about a year after they were kicked out and the kids are good guys. You see the white-TigerX gang was real hard core they would do the worst stuff like steal sell drugs do drugs u name it but the only ones that didn’t were the 2 leaders max a ray.
They would send out the orders and make the others members do there work. “Chyo could we join the crew?” asked two guys…these “guys” were actually undercover police officers named Tyson and Kai.
“Sure no reason not to I guess” said ray in pleased voice. Tyson and Kai expected to be having some sort of test but they just let them in…
“So uhh…. now what?” questioned kai
“Were goanna rob Oprah”
“WHAT OPRAH! ARE U KIDING ME?” exclaimed Tyson
“no I aint , then were going to keep her hostage and then scare the fuzz in to thinking that well kill her then get the money and give her back”
Said Ray, but remember that Ray and Max never did the work
They’d make the others do it so they sent them of.
“Huh? aren’t u coming with?” Tyson asked
Max said that it wasn’t worthy enough for there hands…Tyson and Kai
Secretly stayed back and waited for the others to leave as soon as the others left Tyson and Kai went to Ray and Max.
“Did we not tell u to go with them?” asked Max.
“Yea u did” replied kai.
“Then why you here?” asked Ray.
“We wanna talk to you about the gang”.
“Ok what is it?”.
The 4 spoke for a while about the gang and Tyson and kai were so good at this that they were able to take a lot of juicy info about there past. Tyson and Kai’s job was to either bring them to jail or turn them around to normal lives.
Both max and ray do still have a chance but the 2 need to learn how to take a stand for them self’s.
“You know” he paused
“You two guys are better then we first thought it would be funny if u guys were police…” said ray
Both Tyson and Kai paused and stayed quiet for a moment looking down at there feet.
The room was silent…
“Don’t tell me…”
Max said with a worried voice.
“Yea sorry guys but were undercover”
said Kai. The 2 gang leaders were as silent as a tiger hunting for its prey.
“Were different then other cops we actually care about u please try to understand that and come back to a life of pure peace” Tyson pleaded
“Hmm what about the gang?” asked Max
“Choose a new leader” replied Kai
“You know what max I think that’s a good idea” said ray
So the 2 gang members decided to have a new start but it wasn’t really that simple u see they had go back to school and make up for there 3 years of missed school. Now they were still thinking but after a day or 2 they both decided to persevere. So every week they would go to the police station and talk to the 2 officers that changed there lives…Oh yea and Oprah she ended up going back to Hollywood who know how. After about 2 years they were at the top of there class and were the best students. After they graduated there jobs were slightly different but the pay was about same ray became an engineer and max became a pedestrian they both got married. But still every week they would always go down to the police station to meet the 2 guys that turned there lives for the best…

The end?

finally edited it srry lol

The story isn't good, and the writing is anything but fluid.

Learn punctuation. Learn commas, they help. Don't ever write a story in almost complete back and forth dialogue. EVER. That's what they do in childrens books. Don't replace 'you' with 'u', 'to' with '2', or 'for' with '4'. Use more adjectives.

If you're above third grade, don't turn this in.


My favorite part is:
"max became a pedestrian"
Especially since he recieves the same pay as Ray the engineer.


Another note:
It's impossible to vote "success", because you spelled it wrong. Even if I'd have wanted to choose that option I couldn't of.

(Jun. 01, 2010  6:03 AM)Mc Frown Wrote: [ -> ]The story isn't good, and the writing is anything but fluid.

Learn punctuation. Learn commas, they help. Don't ever write a story in almost complete back and forth dialogue. EVER. That's what they do in childrens books. Don't replace 'you' with 'u', 'to' with '2', or 'for' with '4'. Use more adjectives.

If you're above third grade, don't turn this in.


My favorite part is:
"max became a pedestrian"
Especially since he recieves the same pay as Ray the engineer.


Another note:
It's impossible to vote "success", because you spelled it wrong. Even if I'd have wanted to choose that option I couldn't of.

He is 12! No offense skull dragon, but you are missing out vital punctuation. I'm 13 but my writing is pretty good. I may not show it here but in school its not carp. I advise you re-read you're piece and try to spot some mistakes.

ok actual tips:
try cutting down the length of each sentence, short and punchy.

try writing a bit more formally. I know it's pretty hard, but try not to use slang words. (and show what your characters are feeling, don't tell them)

try not to have too much dialogue. With dialogue, you want what's being said to have significant meaning.

Nice effort though, especially for a 12 year old. Keep up the good work =P. If you need proof reading and such i can help every now and then. (I'm currently rank 24/161 at my school. Not such a great rank but 1 mark seperates at least 5 ranks. I also go to a school in the top 30 in my state, so i'm ok at it)

(Jun. 01, 2010  6:03 AM)Mc Frown Wrote: [ -> ]The story isn't good, and the writing is anything but fluid.

Learn punctuation. Learn commas, they help. Don't ever write a story in almost complete back and forth dialogue. EVER. That's what they do in childrens books. Don't replace 'you' with 'u', 'to' with '2', or 'for' with '4'. Use more adjectives.

If you're above third grade, don't turn this in.


My favorite part is:
"max became a pedestrian"
Especially since he recieves the same pay as Ray the engineer.


Another note:
It's impossible to vote "success", because you spelled it wrong. Even if I'd have wanted to choose that option I couldn't of.

lol i said i would ad the punctauation now i fixed it now check it out

So, if you're gonna follow the actual story so loosely and not follow any of the actual characters' personnalities, why not make up names?

Also...Kidnap Oprah? Really?

(Jun. 02, 2010  12:27 PM)Dude Wrote: [ -> ]So, if you're gonna follow the actual story so loosely and not follow any of the actual characters' personnalities, why not make up names?

Also...Kidnap Oprah? Really?

i dont know i was in a bladeing mood and oprah yea couldent think of anyone else

Bskull no offence but even the first sentence has grammar errors. =/

"and there 2 leader"

it should either be: "and there was two leaders."
or:"and there were two leaders."

Don't use slang words, never use numbers like "4" and "2" in a sentence, only use numbers in math. (two and 2 is different!)

always proofread before you have to hand something in for example you spelled "kidding" and "gonna" wrong. (gonna is slang so don't even use that! Use "going to".)

And finally even though you attempted to put in commas, you put them in the wrong areas.

I think that's it

No offense but I really thought this was bad. I can help with a few storys and mezz if you ever need help with FLAME I can help.

man i suck carp why do i even try lol and i apretiate u guys not trying to be that mean -__- (points at McFrown)
lol

(Jun. 03, 2010  12:30 AM)Pockyx3 Wrote: [ -> ]always proofread before you have to hand something in for example you spelled "kidding" and "gonna" wrong. (gonna is slang so don't even use that! Use "going to".)

if you use speech marks then you can put "slang words" into the story

man would u guys flip the punctuation and just look at the carping story its self
oh yea and spartan dragoon beats dranzer ;p

The story is still bad : /

The story itself is not very good.