World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Full Version: Undepth [Flow Spinners Story] (Chapter 2 is up)
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This is a story based on flow spinners by TheLibraKing. Don't complain about copyright, he let me do this.
Characters
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Dot post the thread until you have actual content. I'm locking it until you do.
Ok, Prologue is up!
You change tenses once or twice, be wary of that. A bit redundant at the beginning and you may want to watch your language as there are younger members on this site.
Seems pretty interesting though.
(Feb. 24, 2014  11:28 PM)Dual Wrote: [ -> ]You change tenses once or twice, be wary of that. A bit redundant at the beginning and you may want to watch your language as there are younger members on this site.
Seems pretty interesting though.

OK, I'll keep that in mind! I'll get that edited, bleeped or changed to something similar. Think bleeping would be better.
Chapter 1 will be soon, so watch out!

EDIT: Dual, when you said I should watch my language in the beginning, were you referring to the line, 'There was a huge rave about them at school'?
I think it was towards the end.
(Feb. 25, 2014  2:29 AM)Dual Wrote: [ -> ]I think it was towards the end.

OK just wanted to make sure. I got that part now, no worries!
No, he does not mean, use smaller words, use more appropriate words for a children's spinning top forum.
(Feb. 25, 2014  2:34 AM)TheWhiteTiger Wrote: [ -> ]No, he does not mean, use smaller words, use more appropriate words for a children's spinning top forum.

OK, I don't know if you're trying to be rude with that statement. If you are, please don't be as rude next time? Anyway, I will take this advice regardless.
(Feb. 25, 2014  2:39 AM)GingkaIfritFTW Wrote: [ -> ]
(Feb. 25, 2014  2:34 AM)TheWhiteTiger Wrote: [ -> ]No, he does not mean, use smaller words, use more appropriate words for a children's spinning top forum.

OK, I don't know if you're trying to be rude with that statement. If you are, please don't be as rude next time? Anyway, I will take this advice regardless.
he wasn't trying to be rude, some of the material you use in stories is a bit inappropriate some times. Just work on it Smile, glad to see your doing the story!
(Feb. 25, 2014  12:45 AM)GingkaIfritFTW Wrote: [ -> ]EDIT: Dual, when you said I should watch my language in the beginning, were you referring to the line, 'There was a huge rave about them at school'?

I was regarding this statement. My message was not intended to be rude, just stating what Dual meant.

I'll vote on the poll once I've read a few more chapters.
(Feb. 25, 2014  2:41 AM)TheLibraKing Wrote: [ -> ]
(Feb. 25, 2014  2:39 AM)GingkaIfritFTW Wrote: [ -> ]
(Feb. 25, 2014  2:34 AM)TheWhiteTiger Wrote: [ -> ]No, he does not mean, use smaller words, use more appropriate words for a children's spinning top forum.

OK, I don't know if you're trying to be rude with that statement. If you are, please don't be as rude next time? Anyway, I will take this advice regardless.
he wasn't trying to be rude, some of the material you use in stories is a bit inappropriate some times. Just work on it Smile, glad to see your doing the story!

OK, yeah I've noticed in my stories when my characters are older there's some language issues! I'll get to that!

(Feb. 25, 2014  2:48 AM)TheWhiteTiger Wrote: [ -> ]
(Feb. 25, 2014  12:45 AM)GingkaIfritFTW Wrote: [ -> ]EDIT: Dual, when you said I should watch my language in the beginning, were you referring to the line, 'There was a huge rave about them at school'?

I was regarding this statement. My message was not intended to be rude, just stating what Dual meant.

I'll vote on the poll once I've read a few more chapters.

OK, thanks for letting me know that. And I'll be making a new chapter soon
OK, Chapter 1 is up! Also, the OP has a Characters section. Character descriptions as well as spinner descriptions will be in the Characters section later!
The critique I have is basically the same from last chapter. You changed tenses, the grammar was a bit out of whack (when listing people, the speaker always goes last)(recklessly, not reckless), and maybe describe the environment a bit more.
The spelling and writing are pretty good, just work on what I mentioned above.
(Feb. 28, 2014  12:10 AM)Dual Wrote: [ -> ]The critique I have is basically the same from last chapter. You changed tenses, the grammar was a bit out of whack (when listing people, the speaker always goes last)(recklessly, not reckless), and maybe describe the environment a bit more.
The spelling and writing are pretty good, just work on what I mentioned above.

OK, thanks for that! I'll take the extra too! The chapter was a bit rushed though...
OK, Chapter 2 is up! I made sure before I updated the OP to check for tense changes, and fixed the ones I found!
So the main character uses a comeback against his girlfriend and she breaks up with him? This chick needs therapy.

Besides that one little thing, the structure, story, and everything else was pretty good.
(Mar. 01, 2014  3:54 AM)Dual Wrote: [ -> ]So the main character uses a comeback against his girlfriend and she breaks up with him? This chick needs therapy.

Besides that one little thing, the structure, story, and everything else was pretty good.

Thanks! And, Vanessa is a mentally challenged chick, she had a bad childhood...
Well, I'd suggest revealing even a bit of that in the chapter, or she'll seem just plain loopy to anyone reading, haha.
(Mar. 03, 2014  12:51 AM)Dual Wrote: [ -> ]Well, I'd suggest revealing even a bit of that in the chapter, or she'll seem just plain loopy to anyone reading, haha.

It gets revealed in the next one, but I'm not spoiling anything!
I like this! In the prologue and first chapter, tense changes occur,(as Dual said)
Anyway, keep up the good work!
(Mar. 04, 2014  12:45 AM)/Demon/ Wrote: [ -> ]I like this! In the prologue and first chapter, tense changes occur,(as Dual said)
Anyway, keep up the good work!

Thanks! I really like to hear good feedback and advice! I hope you all enjoy the future chapters!
Im really enjoy this,keep it up! if you need help naming anything just ask!
(Mar. 05, 2014  4:57 AM)ImperialBrave Wrote: [ -> ]Im really enjoy this,keep it up! if you need help naming anything just ask!

Thanks ImperialBrave, new chapter is coming soon!