World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Thought I'd make a story.

What's it about:

Toasty's a Blader; His number one dream is to win five tournaments. if he does, he wins a 10 sliced toaster.

But......... He will have to go on a long journy for that. As he's going to start his first tournament; will he win?

CHAPTER 1:

Spoiler (Click to View)

What An Amazing Story! Can't Wait To See More! Tongue_out

I saw a few spelling errors and the format is hard to understand when they are talking, but it's funny, just need to fix a couple things Smile

.

Haha, edited. Yeah, I'm gonna correct them I'm just tired lol.

To be honest, it's not very good. There's no description, it's very choppy, and quite redundant. Just constructive criticism, not trying to be rude.

Yeah, I couldn't do much.

1: I'm writing from my phone

2: I've been up to 2.00am.

Hope you guys understand

Well it is a good story and all...but here is the deal:
1. You need to be descriptive. I cannot even tell where Toasty is right now. You just made him jump from his house to the shop and then to the tournament! What does Toasty look like? How does he talk? What does he wear? Those are the questions you need to answer
2.You spelled "breakfast" wrong.
3.This is your main problem in this writing: You need to put-
"Ronald, could you do me a favor?" Joey asked.
"Yeah, sure," Ronald replied.
--Not just
"Ronald, could you do me a favor?" Joey
"Yeah, sure" Ronald----
What I am trying to say is that readers won't understand the writing if you don't format it correctly.

(Nov. 30, 2013 2:08 AM)Ultramarine Wrote: [ -> ]To be honest, it's not very good. There's no description, it's very choppy, and quite redundant. Just constructive criticism, not trying to be rude.

The first chapter is always like that. I think its good. When there is more you will see that you are wrong and ya there are some mistakes but its hard to type well on a phone. But lso it is hard to follow because we have no idea where he is. Hey you should join Wattpad ( wattpad.com ) It is a website for writers to write books and share them. I cant remember if there is a refferal box when you sign up but my name is BLADERGUY2 on wattpad.

"The first chapter is always like that." Yah ok. First impressions mean anything to you?
I won't even start an argument.

I never said the story was bad, it just needs work.

You have a strange obsession with toasters, haha. You always PM me saying you are going to take mine XD!

It's kind of a humorous story lol.

Yeah, haha, it's ment to be a funny story. I'll get your toaster one day Tri Tongue_out

I fixed a few stuff, but I can't wright anymore because: I can only type up to a set number of words. So........

I get the general plot of a tounrament, etc. but like Ultramarine stated, it's kinda choppy. There really isn't character development-aside from the fact we learn our main character loves toasters.

What's the deal with toasters, anyways? Tongue_out

EDIT: After reading more, there are some grammatical errors, like confusing "to" and "too". Tongue_out

(Dec. 01, 2013 1:42 PM)Leone19 Wrote: [ -> ]I get the general plot of a tounrament, etc. but like Ultramarine stated, it's kinda choppy. There really isn't character development-aside from the fact we learn our main character loves toasters.
What's the deal with toasters, anyways?

I got to agree. Also why would he buy bey parts for $70?

Yeah, I runned out of typing space. I was going too do more on my character, but I cant type anymore words. Hahah, Toasters are one of my best machines. I guess I use it everyday.

Azl, it's ment too be funny. So that's why it's $70 Tongue_out

Kaneki

Mitsu

DRAGON KING

Kaneki

Dual

Kaneki

кαмυι カムイ

Bladerguy2

Dual

Tri

Kaneki

Leone19

Ocean

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