World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Full Version: Blurred Light [Beyblade Story](Chapter 12 is up!)
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I wanted to make a new story due to my old I guess hit story kinda fell out of popularity due to the fact that I didn't post chapters very often. Just note chapters will be split into different subsections, chapters will be ordered properly but i split them into parts. The different parts still have to do with the story but the main problems in the story are different based on the subsection they are divided into. So here goes! My new story for you guys!
Characters:
Part one, Legend Awakened
Part two, In Search of a Legend
Part three, Mission of Life or Death
Wow! This Is Pretty Amazing! I Hope To See Way More From You Smile
Reason Madoka was mentioned was because this is a sequel to Shogun Steel
Also I was going to post in spoilers but it wasn't working for me. XD

Also sorry for it being so short!

Thanks MidnightWBO
Meh, not a fan of fan fics, but this seems kind of interesting. However, it seems like something went wrong with your spoiler, may wanna fix that, haha. Besides that, you may want to build an environment some more, such as the place where they're battling. Other than that, it seems pretty good!
I like this! Keep it up!
(Nov. 28, 2013  11:32 PM)Ultramarine Wrote: [ -> ]Meh, not a fan of fan fics, but this seems kind of interesting. However, it seems like something went wrong with your spoiler, may wanna fix that, haha. Besides that, you may want to build an environment some more, such as the place where they're battling. Other than that, it seems pretty good!
Yea for sum reason the spoiler isn't working for me. The battle spot was the street, but I wasn't very descriptive with that. Anyway thanks 4 the advice!

(Nov. 28, 2013  11:40 PM)RagerBlade Wrote: [ -> ]I like this! Keep it up!
Thanks!
Do this

Now quote my post, but instead of posting just look at what I typed
I know what a spoiler is, and how to make one, but it wasn't working for me. Lemme show you:
It works now.
(Nov. 28, 2013  11:47 PM)Crax686 Wrote: [ -> ]I know what a spoiler is, and how to make one, but it wasn't working for me. Lemme show you:
It works now.
Ok then! Good luck!
K I'm making chapter 2 now, but I don't usually have time during the week, so I'll try every Saturday.

Chapter 2 is up! Also thanks for the feedback and advice, (although there was so little at the time I'm posting this) and if I need to improve, please tell me! I'd like some advice!

K tomorrow and Saturday I'm going to parties at my girlfriend's place, so I won't have time to add Chapter 3 on Saturday, but on sunday
(Nov. 28, 2013  11:49 PM)Crax686 Wrote: [ -> ]K tomorrow and Saturday I'm going to parties at my girlfriend's place, so I won't have time to add Chapter 3 on Saturday, but on sunday
NVM Parties were cancelled due to my girlfriend falling sick...
I think it could be better. Maybe go into depth on the battles. I liked the first chapter though.
(Nov. 29, 2013  8:06 AM)Kyler_the best Wrote: [ -> ]I think it could be better. Maybe go into depth on the battles. I liked the first chapter though.
Yeah the battles in the 1st 2 chapters weren't that exciting. They'll get better around the next 2 chapters. Thanks for the advice! I'll be sure to use it

BTW next chapter will probably be tomorrow or monday
Chapter 3 is up now! Hope it's better than the last. Also there was no battle in Chapter 3 and it was short and maybe with a few mistakes on the paragraph spacing due to me not having very much time to finish that stuff. Because copy-pasting it off what I write on MS word, the paragraph spacing and italics don't occur on the story after pasting. I'll fix as soon as possible.

Next chapter will hopefully be today, but unlikely do to the fact that I'm having a friend over. I just might have time before and after, but who knows.

Hope you enjoy the new chapter!

BTW thanks for the feedback and advice from you guys! And this is officially the longest non-thread starter post I've ever made...

(Dec. 01, 2013  2:39 PM)Crax686 Wrote: [ -> ]Because copy-pasting it off what I write on MS word, the paragraph spacing and italics don't occur on the story after pasting.
I did the italics, but tell me if I need to do paragraph spacing please.
I think the way you space out your chapters is good. Very clean and easy to read. The dialogue is very well written, too.

However, you definitely need more content. If you scrunch all of that up you got maybe 2-3 pages. For 3 chapters? Kinda short.

Think about adding more to your chapters. Other than that, good work.
(Dec. 01, 2013  2:46 PM)DefStamina88 Wrote: [ -> ]I think the way you space out your chapters is good. Very clean and easy to read. The dialogue is very well written, too.

However, you definitely need more content. If you scrunch all of that up you got maybe 2-3 pages. For 3 chapters? Kinda short.

Think about adding more to your chapters. Other than that, good work.

Thanks for the advice! I'll try to add more to my chapters. Thing is, I don't have the full version of MS word. So when I save documents on it, I can't reopen them. I'll try to get more content, but if I don't, then I'll probably end up with about 100 chapters, but I'll try to avoid too many of them. Let's hope 100 chapters doesn't happen. Thanks for the advice!

BTW for the first people to read the 1st 2 chapters I changed Jake's last name to Hagane, because since it's supposed to be a sequel to the Metal Fight and Zero-G series, I decided to add the interesting thought of Gingka being Jake's father. More will be uncovered about Gingka's current secret later, but as of now, let's leave it secret. But for those of you that want to know now, here's a spoiler:
The spoiler also tells how they acquired the parts for Bandit Ifrit to be assembled.
wow cool. bring meh into the story plz
Name: Tyoka
Bey: Dark Night Horuseus(Vulcan horuseus 145 D in all black)
Age: 13
Gender: Male
Info: Hyoma's son. Hyoma was captured by the DNA and Tyoka had to make money. So Tyoka became a Blader For Hire. Ginka reminded Tyoka what it means to be a blader.
Appearance: Blue shirt(with popped collar) and light blue stripe down the middle. Jeans With chains outlining the pockets. Vans, Brown hair(bangs over one eye) When the battle gets heated his hair turns black and stands up.
OTHER: Has a curse laid upon him(ill tell you the story for the book if u want) and battles can be dangerous. If Tyoka goes to far he and his bey are engulfed in black flames, and a dark power controls them.

I hope you take my character!
(Dec. 01, 2013  3:30 PM)MinecraftAdict Wrote: [ -> ]wow cool. bring meh into the story plz
Name: Tyoka
Bey: Dark Night Horuseus(Vulcan horuseus 145 D in all black)
Age: 13
Gender: Male
Info: Hyoma's son. Hyoma was captured by the DNA and Tyoka had to make money. So Tyoka became a Blader For Hire. Ginka reminded Tyoka what it means to be a blader.
Appearance: Blue shirt(with popped collar) and light blue stripe down the middle. Jeans With chains outlining the pockets. Vans, Brown hair(bangs over one eye) When the battle gets heated his hair turns black and stands up.
OTHER: Has a curse laid upon him(ill tell you the story for the book if u want) and battles can be dangerous. If Tyoka goes to far he and his bey are engulfed in black flames, and a dark power controls them.

I hope you take my character!
I'd love to use your character at some point, but I'd prefer if your Bey was to have a warrior wheel and crystal wheel instead of an energy ring and fusion wheel. PM me if you want to confirm with me what you want your Bey to be, and I'll get right back to you. f you want the Vulcan wheel to be a crystal wheel, then tell me. I just prefer the Zero-G/Shogun Steel Bey part format for Beys in my story.

Chapter 4 is up, but it's a little short YET AGAIN due to the fact that I have to clean my room as my dad is putting a different TV in it. Anyways, hope you enjoy!

(Dec. 01, 2013  3:30 PM)MinecraftAdict Wrote: [ -> ]wow cool. bring meh into the story plz
Name: Tyoka
Bey: Dark Night Horuseus(Vulcan horuseus 145 D in all black)
Age: 13
Gender: Male
Info: Hyoma's son. Hyoma was captured by the DNA and Tyoka had to make money. So Tyoka became a Blader For Hire. Ginka reminded Tyoka what it means to be a blader.
Appearance: Blue shirt(with popped collar) and light blue stripe down the middle. Jeans With chains outlining the pockets. Vans, Brown hair(bangs over one eye) When the battle gets heated his hair turns black and stands up.
OTHER: Has a curse laid upon him(ill tell you the story for the book if u want) and battles can be dangerous. If Tyoka goes to far he and his bey are engulfed in black flames, and a dark power controls them.

I hope you take my character!

Gingka isn't going to play a MAJOR role like he did originally. He just has a part in my story. And are you basing your character off of Chris? The "Blader for hire" part just sounded like it.
Get back to me as soon as possible, k?
(Dec. 01, 2013  3:54 PM)Crax686 Wrote: [ -> ]
(Dec. 01, 2013  3:30 PM)MinecraftAdict Wrote: [ -> ]wow cool. bring meh into the story plz
Name: Tyoka
Bey: Dark Night Horuseus(Vulcan horuseus 145 D in all black)
Age: 13
Gender: Male
Info: Hyoma's son. Hyoma was captured by the DNA and Tyoka had to make money. So Tyoka became a Blader For Hire. Ginka reminded Tyoka what it means to be a blader.
Appearance: Blue shirt(with popped collar) and light blue stripe down the middle. Jeans With chains outlining the pockets. Vans, Brown hair(bangs over one eye) When the battle gets heated his hair turns black and stands up.
OTHER: Has a curse laid upon him(ill tell you the story for the book if u want) and battles can be dangerous. If Tyoka goes to far he and his bey are engulfed in black flames, and a dark power controls them.

I hope you take my character!
I'd love to use your character at some point, but I'd prefer if your Bey was to have a warrior wheel and crystal wheel instead of an energy ring and fusion wheel. PM me if you want to confirm with me what you want your Bey to be, and I'll get right back to you. f you want the Vulcan wheel to be a crystal wheel, then tell me. I just prefer the Zero-G/Shogun Steel Bey part format for Beys in my story.

Chapter 4 is up, but it's a little short YET AGAIN due to the fact that I have to clean my room as my dad is putting a different TV in it. Anyways, hope you enjoy!

(Dec. 01, 2013  3:30 PM)MinecraftAdict Wrote: [ -> ]wow cool. bring meh into the story plz
Name: Tyoka
Bey: Dark Night Horuseus(Vulcan horuseus 145 D in all black)
Age: 13
Gender: Male
Info: Hyoma's son. Hyoma was captured by the DNA and Tyoka had to make money. So Tyoka became a Blader For Hire. Ginka reminded Tyoka what it means to be a blader.
Appearance: Blue shirt(with popped collar) and light blue stripe down the middle. Jeans With chains outlining the pockets. Vans, Brown hair(bangs over one eye) When the battle gets heated his hair turns black and stands up.
OTHER: Has a curse laid upon him(ill tell you the story for the book if u want) and battles can be dangerous. If Tyoka goes to far he and his bey are engulfed in black flames, and a dark power controls them.

I hope you take my character!

Gingka isn't going to play a MAJOR role like he did originally. He just has a part in my story. And are you basing your character off of Chris? The "Blader for hire" part just sounded like it.
Get back to me as soon as possible, k?
Ok thats where i got that from but It is kinda dramatic. If you dont want that thats fine(alternate"grew up in the wild and became very strong.) And for the bey. Well since i was always in the wild I had no way to get a Zero-G bey. But if I HAVE to Id choos Pegasus Ifradi( SYNCROME BABY!) 145 EWD
You don't have to if that's the case! I didn't know!
So Vulcan is good?!
Yes it is as long as theres a reason behind it!
Chapter 5 is up! I also tried to add more content to it, maybe 100 words more according to MS word, but I'll try to add a lot more ASAP.
Wow your are spot on! That is just like me. Just so you know. ILL CRUSH YOU NEXT TIME!!! And that is actually how I imagine my special move. I dont think i told you about it, did I?

This is off topic but Im gettting a snow day tomorrow cus we will get OVER 5 INCHES OF SNOW
I love colorado (except for the fact that i cant battle anyone new)
I love what you did with me. ITS SO COOL CANT WAIT FOR MORE.
Im officially adding you to my buddy list!
Haha so happy I was so spot on! I just imagined what your character was going to say overnight. I introduced Tyoka with that music thing cuz I was listening to music at the time! And I'll add Chapter 6 ASAP!
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