World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Full Version: The dragon bladers [Updated!!!] (finished)
You're currently viewing a stripped down version of our content. View the full version with proper formatting.
Pages: 1 2
This is my first story I might upload more if u guys and I want





That was chapter one I hope u enjoyed, can u guys review it for me? I kinda just wrote it off the top of my head ( meaning no planning). I will probaly introduce the beyblades in chapter 2
Lol really good so far I like the plot and how it comes together Smile
Really creative Smile
Thanks lol I tried to make it kinda original
Great plot and story theme just need to work on your length and spacing like jacolal story It doesn't look neat if its much together but since its your first story you did well its just beginners mistake.
Any yes I mean make it long
Ok, while it's ok to use text talk in real life (I still think it's lame), never use it in a story. Also it's kind of hard to follow, and it's all scrunched up. Press enter before a new character speaks, and it'll already be way less cluttered. Just a few tips.
Thanks lol I thought I was making it to long ok ill try not to do that
Just listen to What tips ultamarine and I say And You will have an top tier story like ultramarine.Joyful_3
All this feedback is muchly appreciated and I hope more people read and give feed back, the second chapter will probaly be posted tommorrow if anybody was wondering
Story seems decent, just fix the grammar, spelling, and organizational problems.
Ok thanks ill try and fix the organization in the next chapter
welll... its okay. There are some grammar parts which can be improved on such as punctuation and capital letters. Furthermore, the chapter seems a tad short, you can try and develop actions or put in more detail in them. work on this, and I'm sure this'll be a good story.


sent from my phone, please excuse any spelling mistakes.
Wow DK awesome story, but a few beginners mistakes like, some of the grammar,puncuation and if you can space it out a little that would be good, but apart from that it's really good.
Thanks guys ill fix try to fix all that in chapter 2
Chapter 2 guys


how was it? It's kinda short sorry about that



Doom mole:
CW: it has a clear wheel with one side spikes and one side smooth making it very unbalanced
MW: it can go in attack mode which is when the spikes come out and it is not free spinning
Track: wc145 ( wide circle) it has a wide and circular non gimmicked track
Bottom: EB ( eternal ball) it is a free spinning ball
Beast: a mole


Blizzard polgorg:
CW: it has a clear wheel with four ice Phoenix heads coming out each side
MW: I has a wheel with six spikes coming out the sides
Track: it has a b145 track ( blade) that are extremely sharp
Bottom : rxf ( rubber extreme flat) the name says it all
Beast: an ice Phoenix
You know you can just put the next chapter in the OP right?
(Oct. 27, 2013  10:02 PM)DRAGON KING Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter 2 guys


how was it? It's kinda short sorry about that

Yeah... a tad short. As Ultramarine said before, try and leave a gap every time it's a new speaker.

EG:
Quote:"Who are you?" Zilon said in a scared voice.

"What's left of BBA in this city" replied a boy with jet black hair.

This'll make it look neater, and lengthen your chapters.
Ok I made the changes jacola said
Good alot better now, I thought the part "abandoned walmart" was really funny lol, but yeah as jacolal daid space it out and make It a tad longer and it'll be great. Smile
Thanks, lol I thought that would be good cause Walmart has everything u need to survive lol
Yeah true it is really funny lol.
I added the beyblade description in my post with chapter 2
Hey guys sorry for wait this is chapter 3



Epilogue
the dragons were a terrorist group that had grown large enough to take over a city, in this case, the city of decksville. Within a couple days the military was able to take down the dragons and restore the city, but to this day, decksville citizens are always grateful to the Walmart that helped the three boys survive ( we salute u walmarts).

Edit: would u guys like me to do another?
Why don't you just put chapters in your first post? It makes it easier for people to find it.
I can't find out how to put spoiler in things I edit
like this:
[spoiler] and at the end
[ /spoiler]
Pages: 1 2