World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Full Version: The Last Stand
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It's been 30 years since the death of Gingka. Everything has changed. The world has been at peace. Beyblading has become life. And all that once existed is heralded today.

Just until last year, we had not a thing to worry about. Until they came. The Day Operators. They came into our city looking for these strange beys. They called them The Astral Bey and The Celestial Bey. Each is said to hold the power of the moon and sun: The Astral Bey representing the moon and The Celestial Bey representing the sun.

The only thing that could defeat one of these beys was the other one. They are said to be kept on opposite sides of the earth in temples guarded by master bladers.

If the Day Operators were to get their hands on these, well, we don't know what evil they would use them for. It's our job to stop them. And in order to do that, we'll have to become the best bladers on Earth.

Chapter 1 (Click to View)
Chapter 2 (Click to View)
Chapter 3 (Click to View)
Chapter 4 (Click to View)
Chapter 5 (Click to View)
Chapter 6 (Click to View)
Chapter 7 (Click to View)
Chapter 8 (Click to View)
Chapter 9 (Click to View)
Chapter 10 (Click to View)
Chapter 11 (Click to View)
Chapter 12 (Click to View)

Vote in the poll how you think it is!

Bladers, blades and character descriptions (Click to View)
Author's thoughts-
I tried to keep at least some of the old stuff from MFB and Zero-G in this, but at the same time trying to make it seem like an entirely new series. Don't get mad at me if you think that its wierd to have the old stuff that everyone knows about a secret to the bladers in this story-- I just like how I write. But still- don't let that discourage you from posting your thoughts and how it could change- I will try to add more to the overall story about what you think.


Copyright© ryugarulz 2013 Productions
Seems okay, work on details, like whenever he just joined in randomly, you should work on that.
The chapters a bit short, perhaps merge the prologue with it? Anyway, very good writing, no mistakes in spelling or grammar that I saw, I'm excited to see more!
Chapter 2 is up, I'll add more to the story if I have time tomorrow.

Ideas?
Try and put a space between changes of dialogue. Like this -

"You think you could beat me this easily?"

" Me and my bey can beat everyone!?"

This makes the story a lot clearer and easier to read. Also, it lengthens your story.
Chapter 3 is now up!
Chapter 4 and 5 are up.
I'm not putting much stress, but once again, just to make it clearer, you could space out your speech.
Oh sorry, didn't see your post.
Honestly, I think (imo) it looks better not spaced, but if we get 1 more person to ask of this, I will.
Update!
Chapter 6 is up, as well as character names, personalities and beyblades!
Going to put up Chapter 7 later this week. Or maybe tomorrow.
I'll see if I have time.
Chapter 7 is up!
Any thoughts?
It's pretty good. A bit random on this chapter, but it's pretty good.
Chapter 8 may come later this week as of 9-22-13 through 9-28-13
nice you should make one of the beys in the story
I would really like answers on the reviews, like for example "Eh" rating, what would you want to change, and for "Great" rating what you liked the most.
i liked the first sentence and the astral an celestial beys part one thing to change put pictures in it and make the celestial and astral beys make them
It's not bad. Some spelling errors here and there and Tense Shifts. If you're going to write in Past Tense, write it all in Past Tense. Other than that, it's not bad. Really. Flesh it out more though. For example-


May be better if written with more detail, such as:




I've also noticed that you switched between Third-Person and First-Person. Try sticking to one perspective. Give more detail as well. The sentence "Leo's eyes gleamed with evil." Could have been a perfect opportunity to describe the evil AND his eyes.

And so, Ergo... keep up the writing!
Chapter 8 is up!


Update time!!!
  • Added separate spaces between each part of the story
  • Added author's notes
  • Added a new character to the list!

Don't forget-- Keep up with the comments and critics!

(Sep. 23, 2013  12:48 AM)Kisame Akatsuki Wrote: [ -> ]i liked the first sentence and the astral an celestial beys part one thing to change put pictures in it and make the celestial and astral beys make them

Erm.. Just look on google 'beyblade pegasus ldrago' maybe?
Chapter 9 coming up soon, maybe this weekend.
Chapter 9 is up!

Seems like its time for...
Updates!
  • Added 1 character
  • Fixed spelling errors
  • Added a spoiler to Character list

Ideas anyone? I still take them, and always will.
Going to put up Chapter 10 tomorrow, 'cause why not.
Delay, it'll be up tomorrow.
Really sorry for the delay, got into some school-related accidents. Chapter 10 is up.
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