World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Full Version: Beyblade story*The New Phoenix King Awakening
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Hey guys is Ace here I've final decide to create my story I will take character request if I need them but this story Is an HMS beyblade. Story I hope you like it.
Special Thanks For helping me with this story my Awesome. Friend Jacolal But its Now just me(12*2*13)
(New chapters every two days)
The Story is called............
[Image: coollogo_com-59884805_zps85a6591b.png]

Chapter1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter7
Question: Did you do it on your phone?
Yessh you can ask me any we and he should I make it better
And do you have a character request.
Role: Good friend or rival, not bad guy
THE CHARACTER
Character name: Yizui Akato
Bio: Yizui is a girl and is kinda small - 4 8" and her father, who owned the phantom sagittario gave it to her.
Age: 14
Appearance: Usually wears blue jeans and a yellow jumper/ pink jumper. She has black hair and pale skin. Her eyes are the color amber.
Lifestyle: Tries to act normal in school but she still remains fairly unpopular - doesn't like anyone being made fun of. There is however one thing she doesn't tell anyone, that her beyblade can get out of control when she does flaming loop.

BEYBLADE
Bey: Phantom Turtle MS
Element: Wind and ghost and little fire
Beyblade Special moves: Ghost Claw, Phantom grip, Flaming Loop
Type: Stamina

SPECIAL MOVES Ghost Claw - The bey does a full power smash attack at the opponent, resulting in low recoil and effective hits. Phantom Grip - Not really a special move but the beyblade stands its ground, dodging the attacks like the opponent's beyblade is going through. Flaming Loop - Beams shoot up from the attack ring and then shoot downwards, aiming straight for the face bolt. This creates a massive explosion, which makes the opponent's bey knock out of the stadium.

SPECIAL ABILITIES Beyblade special abilities: The. Auto change rc provides balance and speed, which means the bey has a special ability - ghost evasion. This is where the bey seems to be vulnerable, but actually, it dodges at the precise moment of impact, providing a tad spin steal and an effective evade.
Ok I will add her in chapter 2
Hmmmm...

Length can definitely use some work. For a chapter in a short story like this, you want perhaps 5-7 paragraphs (including dialogue). You don't want to dissatisfy or disappoint your audience with a chapter that is 1, maybe 2 paragraphs.

Also, try to space your text out. It makes your paper look longer and it makes it easier to read. Look at how I post. Notice that there are 3-4 sentences, then a space, sort of like a paragraph. Kinda like that.

Lastly, grammar; something you need a little bit of work on. Punctuation is needed throughout the chapter, some things that don't need capitalization are capitalized, and spaces are needed throughout the chapter, too. You want your text to be clean and easy to follow, like mine and jacolal's posts we have made.

Also, I can't really grade the content because it hasn't developed yet. Work on those things and develop the story a bit and I might have more to say.
Pretty much what Def said. Longer chapters, better grammar, etc.
Keep at it though!
Thanks this really helps

Thanks this really helps Joyful_3
(Sep. 06, 2013  12:49 PM)XKai_DranzerX Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter1

I know it is harder to type on the phone, so I've written MOST of the corrections in this -

Quote:It was a wonderful day, wind blowing through my hair, and the sun shining brightly as I give a tremendously long glare at it...

"Ace, is that you bro? I've been looking all over for you!" said Ace's brother Shiro.

"What's up Shiro?" said Ace ....

"Some kid took my beyblade; please come get it for me big bro," he replied, as tears dropped down his remarkably upset face... "He'll crush my bey!".

"Really?! Lets go show him no one messes with my brother... me.... OR my Soaring Phoenix MS!"

The two brothers walked down to the beach confidently. When they reached, Ace kindly asked for his brother's bey back. When the reply was no, he started to walk towards the beyblade dish.

"GET HIM KETOS! Attack now!" said this strong mysterious blader, with a deep and threatening voice.

"No!!" yelled a youngster.

Giga - wolf went flying to the youngster's knees. Ace noticed he had a terrible look of sadness, probably from defeat.

"Hand over your bey now or I'll just crush it till its dust!" threatened that really mysterious person.

"Hey! You can't do that! Challenge my Soaring Phoenix MS... unless you're afraid of losing all those bets you collected." said Ace, with a sly smile on his face.

"Eh? Shut up and put your bey where that cocky mouth of yours is! Me and my Crushing Ketos will destroy you." replied the hooded person.

"Hmm... Is that so? Well then, lets go! But there's one rule! The whole beach is our stadium!" said Ace, as he readied his launcher.

Then everyone started to say, "3....2....1 .......LET IT RIP........."
Your so helpful I've been working on it but since I have to save it to my phone I'm low on space but thank you Ima give you a great big shout out
No problem. I'll help out anyone, in any way I can, I don't need appreciation for it.
Ok but you still desevre major credit for being an awesome friend and teammate.
Not sure how being a teammate or an awesome friend relates to the story but thanks.
...

Well, I can definitely tell you copy-pasted jacolal's corrections he made for you. I'm not quite sure you actually typed that out.

You should make the corrections yourself, instead of taking what others say. It's technically plagiarism. Also, it's supposed to be your story. Why make your story off of what somebody else wrote?
We've actually decided to.make it together.
(Sep. 08, 2013  1:56 PM)jacolal Wrote: [ -> ]We've actually decided to.make it together.

Ah, I didn't see that part. Kai should put in the title that you and him are making it together, so nobody gets confused about that.

I know he put it in the OP, but he should put it in the title, too.
I've edited the title
Chapter 2 is up and please rate thread
Well, considering I already knew it, I can't say much, but I think I forgot a little bit of punctuation. Sorry about that.
Don't be sorry We worked our best all morning ever since about 5:00am just be glad we're Finnish
Well that's true, we did work hard, planning all the stuff for the next 2 chapters, making all this, so I guess you're right. Anyway, chapter 3 should be up Saturday.
Yeah Ikr I feel asleep earlier when we where talking. XD
Story's getting pretty good guys!Smile can't wait for chapter 3!Grin
Thank me and jacolal are doing the awesome ness we can because Jacolal Is Be bringing the grammar skills and writing, I bring ideas and writing
It's kinda random, and I can't exactly follow the storyline all the time. Also, there's some random stuff, such as mentioning the dance, and stuff that really needs to be elaborated on, such as dinner, the walks to and from different places, etc.
Also, it's kind of unoriginal that you're using MFB names, but that may just be me.
It's not bad, that's for sure. It just needs work.
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