Hi my name is christopher hay and i live in the world of panem.There are 12 districts and its all run by the uncaring capital.Each year every district has to randomly pick one girl and one boy between the ages of 12-18 to compete in the anual Hunger Games a fight to the death on live tv.I live in district 12 the coal district we also call district 12 "the seam" and we are a very poor district.I wake up in the night to my little sister "Brandy" having nightmares because she is finally old enough to to be a tribute.She has long dirty blonde hair and golden brown eyes that just sparkle off every light in the world.I give her a hug and remind her that she's only been in the reaping ball once it wont be her. "Attendance is mandatory at the reaping" I say to my mom she replies "i know how does this dress look christopher? "great lets go" i reply in an impatient voice. "whats the rush?" asks my mom"it doesn't start for another hour why dont you go look at something from the hob to pass time. "I guess" i reply.In the hob i see a pin that has a bird on it. I ask the lady"what is this"she replies"oh thats a jabberjay" "how much"I ask. The lady replies"You know what...keep it" "thanks"i reply. I rush home to find Brandy on her bed sobbing. I get her up and hold the pin in my hand and say"for good luck" Brandy replies"thanks" and gives me a big hug and says with a passion"I love you christopher"I reply"I love you too". Just then my mother calls us into the living room and says "time to go" we follow her to the reaping. There the mayor gives a speech about the war and the hunger games and whatnot. then the names get called.Ladies first as always "Brandy Hay" says the lady on the stage.I cant believe it out of all the names in the reaping ball she got chosen blood rushes through my vanes and im sweating heavily and tears rush down my face like a river i cant take it watching my little sister die a bloody death in the arena. I quickly react and run after her and scream at the top of my lungs"I VOLUNTEER I VOLUNTEER" Everyone in the croud gasped as if a man just got shot in the head. I say in a normal voice. "I Volunteer" The lady on stage announces"lets see if the gamemakers let a boy volunteer for a girl. she goes back stage and comes out later and announcess to the croud "We have came to a conclusion we will allow this but we will have to pick another girl tribute But first whats your name young man"."Christopher hay" i reply she asks"was that your sister?" i reply "yes" oh well lets get on with the reaping" she puts her hand in the bowl and pulls out a name. "Jaimie swanson" a girl with golden blonde hair and irish green eyes and a beautiful smile she comes up to the stage and i recognize her.
Erm, I dont know about having two incomplete stories, but this is just like the last story. Here's the post from the other thread that can also improve this story:
Quote:This story could use a lot of improvement.
First: Don't create run on sentences. It makes it extremely hard to understand and causes confusion about the story. Things like commas, semi-colons, etc., are supposed to be used to keep the writing organised and nice to look at.
Second: Press the Enter Key. Putting everything into one block of text isn't very appeling and causes it to be a bit harder for some to read. For example:
________________________
The chilly air ran down my spine, as I thought about the incident.
"Hey! We need to go back home now!" Shane said as he ran towards me.
I nodded at him and began jogging in his direction. I could still feel the anxiety in my heart. I could hear the pumping in my head. I could feel the sweat drip down from my head. But, there was an obscure chill in the air.
Something was wrong.
________________________
I mean, your writing doesn't need to be as descriptive, but it should be organised. Try going to a new line after every dialogue. Add commas when you list things. Put a space after a period. Try not to creat run on sentences with the word "and" .
Three: Improve your grammar. When writing / telling a story, its best to keep the story in one tense; past or present. This allows for the reader to understand what is going on in the story more easily/ isn't as confusing.
Four: Remember to capitalize. Do this with pronouns, names of locations, the first word in a sentence, etc. This makes it look better and neater.
Five: SLOW DOWN. It seems that your story is very fast paced and there isn't a lot of time for the reader to keep up. It goes from introduction of main protagonist and then all of a sudden training with a friend. Try to break it down a bit.
Remember that these tips can be used for almost all types of writing! Good luck!
Read other stories on the forums to get a feel for writing.
Shameless Self Promotion xD
Good luck with your story and have fun writing!
sorry im still working it out i mean i literally made it 5 minutes ago
(Aug. 27, 2013 8:21 PM)eternal-f Wrote: [ -> ]sorry im still working it out i mean i literally made it 5 minutes ago
Alright, but try to clean it up before posting. It doesn't matter how long ago you made it. Sometimes I write chapters to my stories in just 10 minutes but I still take time to proof read.
(Aug. 27, 2013 8:21 PM)eternal-f Wrote: [ -> ]sorry im still working it out i mean i literally made it 5 minutes ago
Wait to post it, until you know it's "done".
Like Takasu said, you really need to improve the grammar, they way it's written is kinda confusing. Just keep editing!
ok i'll check it out.
i fixed the little things any other things you want me to fix
I'm done editing. Took a while, but here it is:
Quote:Hi! My name is Christopher Hay, and I live in the world of Panem. There are 12 districts and its all run by the uncaring capital. Each year every district has to randomly pick one girl and one boy between the ages of 12-18 to compete in the annual Hunger Games; a fight to the death broadcast on Live TV. I live in District 12, a.k.a the Coal District. We are also called "The Seam" and we are a very poor district.
I woke up in the middle of the night to my little sister Brandy. She having nightmares because she was finally old enough to to be a tribute. She had long dirty blonde hair and golden brown eyes that just sparkle off every light in the world. I gave her a hug and reminded her that she's only been in the reaping ball once it won't be her.
"Attendance is mandatory at the Reaping." I said to my mom.
She replies "I know! But how does this dress look christopher?
"Great. Now lets go." I replied in an impatient voice.
"What's the rush?" asked my mom. "It doesn't start for another hour; why dont you go look at something from the hob to pass time.
"I guess..." I replied.
In the hob i saw a pin that had a bird on it. I asked the lady "What is this?"
She replied "Oh! Thats a jabberjay."
"How much?" I asked.
The lady replied. "You know what.. Keep it."
"Thanks." I replied.
I rushed home to find Brandy on her bed sobbing. I got her up and held the pin in my hand and said "For good luck!" Brandy replied with a "Thanks" and gave me a big hug. She said, in a passionate voice, "I love you Christopher."
I replied "I love you too".
Just then my mother called us into the living room and said "Time to go!" We followed her to the reaping. There, the mayor gave a speech about the war and the Hunger Games and whatnot. Then the names got called. Ladies first as always. "Brandy Hay." said the lady on the stage.
I can't believe it out of all the names in the reaping ball she got chosen! Blood rushed through my veins and I was sweating heavily. Tears rushed down my face like a river. I can't take it! To watch my little sister die a bloody death in the arena...
I quickly reacted and ran after her. Then, I screamed at the top of my lungs.
"I VOLUNTEER! I VOLUNTEER!"
Everyone in the crowd gasped, as if a man just got shot in the head.
I said in a normal voice. "I Volunteer"
The lady on stage announced "Lets see if the Gamemakers let a boy volunteer for a girl. She went backstage and came out later, and announcing to the crowd.
"We have came to a conclusion we will allow this, but we will have to pick another girl tribute. But first what is your name, young man?"
"Christopher Hay." I replied.
She asked "Was that your sister?"
I replied "Yes"
"Oh. Well lets get on with the Reaping." She put her hand in the bowl and pulled out a name.
"Jamie swanson!" A girl with golden blonde hair and irish green eyes and a beautiful smile she came up to the stage.
I recognized her!
Hope this helps!
I don't get how this is any better than the regular Hunger Games. It lacks a lot of detail and its rushed. But thats just my opinion.
it's not like im gonna be boom tell everything to you at once it goes slowly you'll figure it out at different times ps.spoiler alert My dad is dead in the story