World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Full Version: (Story)Robin: The Beginning
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It's my holidays so I have time.

Prologue:
Chapter 1:The Beginning
Chapter 2:Revelations
Robin like from batman? Pretty good but i saw a few grammar mistakes.
no not Robin from batman. I like the name a lot
Ok haha XD My bad. It was the first thing that popped into my head.
The story's a bit confusing. I saw a few grammar mistakes, and I think that;s why it's confusing for me. You didn't go much into detail. Also, this was bothering me:

"Just then a woman of maybe 22, 23 came running into the house. She was beautiful and also maybe just his age."

It should be something like:

"Just then, a beautiful woman his age came running into the house."

Or something like that.
Don't take this the wrong way. Seems like a cool story. KIU!
It's a good story but a few gramatical mistakes. KIU. I like the plot and the description. Good sentence structure. Again, KIU.
Chapter 2 is up, hope u guys like it!
A very interesting story with a nice idea behind it. The prologue was amazingly executed. The main storyline didn't quite live up to the prologue, but they were good in their own way. One main thing to improve this story for the next chapter is that it should have more action. For example instead of:
"She then took out a syringe and jabbed Robin with it. She sedated him."
You could say:
"Robin felt an icy snake in his arm, crawling up his bloodstream. What was happening? His thoughts started to melt as the coldness bit away at his brain like a virus. He gathered the scraps of his remaining strength and bent his head down, only to see that the girl had jabbed a syringe into his bicep. He lifted his arm to fight back. But it was too late. He was already out."
I will try to keep reading. It sounds like a great story. Keep up the good work.