This is my first story so if dont like it don't post it thanks some of the characters are inspired by people I have meet through the WBO if you do wind up in it reply what hey u want to have
Flash Fox! Goooooo! "This is the World championships on this side we have the Kanine king from Detroit Yuko Ray and on this side we have" - YUKO NEO RAY! Yuko lifts his head in fear. Ha what? "If you don't get you head out of the clouds and do your class work I'm gonna suspend you"! Oh sorry Ms. Assly, I mean Ms. Ashly. Haa haa! The classroom bursts in laghter. "Oh you think your funny Mr. Ray principle's office... NOW". RIIIIIIINGGGG. "Sorry Ms. Ashly I would go to the office but I gotta train for the world championships, see ya". Phew that was close...."Hey Yuko I'm tired of your cocky attitude I'm gonna beat you down like a beat lynx meet me at the GM building at 5:00 don't be late"! "Sure Dawan I may be a freshman but that wont stop me, oh and nice pun..... God he is annoying just because he's a senior he can push me around". "Hey Yuko wats up". Yuko's best friend Archer walks up.
"Hey Yuko wats up" Yuko's best friend Archer walks up. "Hey Archer! you came all the way from Grand Ledge to see me" Yuko replies in suprise to see his friend. "Well yea why would'nt I? I mean one of the greatest tournaments Detroit has ever seen is going to happen this month!" "What tournament nobody told me!" "Yuko", "What" "Turn around." Yuko turns to see a flyer thst sais in bold capital letters "CITY CHAMPIONSHIPS TOP 3 WINNERS OF THIS TOURNAMENT WILL MOVE ON TO THE DISTRICT CHAMPIONSHIPS." "Apperently I cant participate only Detroit Bladers and smaller Bladers from other cities souronding Detroit can participate." "Wow I gotta win this thing but first......."
use quotation marks. read better stories to know how to write. Train for the world championships, and have the tar beaten out of you by a U.S. blader.
(Sep. 25, 2012 1:51 AM)Eternal-E Wrote: [ -> ]use quotation marks. read better stories to know how to write. Train for the world championships, and have the tar beaten out of you by a U.S. blader.
what did i say in the op THIS IS MY FIRST STORY
read my first story. I am just trying to fix some of your grammar mistakes. no need to use caps on me.
Actually, its a pretty good start, other the the fact you're missing the quotations. Here's an example on how the dialogue should be; "Hey Fred, how's it going?" Steve casually asked. "My uncle ate my turtle," Fred replied.
(Sep. 25, 2012 2:01 AM)Yuko Ray14 Wrote: [ -> ] (Sep. 25, 2012 1:51 AM)Eternal-E Wrote: [ -> ]use quotation marks. read better stories to know how to write. Train for the world championships, and have the tar beaten out of you by a U.S. blader.
what did i say in the op THIS IS MY FIRST STORY
He was giving critisism, if you can't take it, then you have no chance as a writer. He was giving
helpful critisism too...
(Sep. 25, 2012 2:09 AM)Tri Wrote: [ -> ] (Sep. 25, 2012 2:01 AM)Yuko Ray14 Wrote: [ -> ] (Sep. 25, 2012 1:51 AM)Eternal-E Wrote: [ -> ]use quotation marks. read better stories to know how to write. Train for the world championships, and have the tar beaten out of you by a U.S. blader.
what did i say in the op THIS IS MY FIRST STORY
He was giving critisism, if you can't take it, then you have no chance as a writer. He was giving helpful critisism too...
i dont want to be a writter im just putting out my thoughts creative writting
but i was fast to go to the defense sorry Eternal-E
and yet, I don't se you reading my first story. I told you to do it and you let me down.
Ok but basically what eternal e said. Check out chinablade, defstamina and other writers stories (maybe even mine, i dont compare to the aforementioed writers but if you want to, check it out
)
(Sep. 25, 2012 2:18 AM)Eternal-E Wrote: [ -> ]and yet, I don't se you reading my first story. I told you to do it and you let me down.
i wasnt done editing my post yesh ill read but dont rush me
(Sep. 25, 2012 2:18 AM)Eternal-E Wrote: [ -> ]and yet, I don't se you reading my first story. I told you to do it and you let me down.
You cant make him read your story and to be brutally honest, yours isnt one of the best stories on the wbo. Like i said he should check out chinas and defstaminas stories.
The chapters, I would not even consider them as chapters.
They are FAR, FAR, too short, and more space between lines is a good idea. They seem a bit "Messy" to me.
Its very confusing, and the dialog is a bit messed up. I can't comprehend who in the world is talking in each line, and the story is all over the place; its hard to understand what is happening.
A few spelling mistakes, hear and there, and I don't know about the grammer; are you writing is past or present tense?
Good luck!
~Takasu
Look at my story for an example:
http://worldbeyblade.org/Thread-Story-Lo...apter-3-Up