World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Full Version: (New Story)Beyblade X Generation(Chapter 15 is up(fixed)
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Max Tenrio(i kind of did the head a bit too squared)
Leom
Jaden
Wave Shark
Thunder Drago
(NO MORE CHARACTER REQUESTS UNTIL FURTER NOTICE)
I am taking character request and beys also!
Name:
How he looksUnhappygive me a brief explanation because i am going to draw them!)
Personality:
BeyUnhappygive me a brief explanation of how it loos like because i am going to draw them!also you could also give me zero g beys or made up zero g beysSmile)
Special move:

give me an honest vote of how my story is!thanks!comment me your opinions too!

I need a new character for chapter 7!!!anyone can make a character request!!!

chapter 1:The Dark Bladers
chapter 2:The Chosen One
chapter 3:New Friends
chapter 4:The Challenge!
chapter 5:The Blader From the Shadows:credit for the character goes to beychamp76!
chapter 6:The Ferocious Fox
chapter 7:The One With The Ocean:credit for the character goes to BeatFox!
chapter 8:The Wave Shark
Chapter 9:The Left Rotating Bey:character credit goes to ZERO X
chapter 10:The X Generation System
chapter 11:The Pisces Blader:credit for the character goes to cyberstorm99
chapter 12:Aiden Sad Story
chapter 13:The New Iron Bull
chapter 14:A Zero G Bey?Part 1:credit for the character goes to Blue Lynx
chapter 15::A Zero G Bey?Part 2:credit for the character goes to Blue Lynx and dragonphang101
Fix your grammar. I read 5 words.
Yea the grammars do bad I have no idea what it was saying. I got. Infused and stopped reading after a sentence.
yeah i know i was doing it in a bit of a rush and i will fix it later when i have time also if you please can tell me what is wrong with it tell me so i can fix it!
its good keep going kid
If anybody thinks there is something wrong or if there is a mistake in my story like grammer,please tell me so I can fix it!also everyone I will post some pictures of my characters sooner or later when I am done with them.
great story
the only problem is the grammer
Its an okay story. I will continue to read the newest chapters when they come out. The grammer not that bad. But continue to make more. there entertaining. Grin
(Aug. 16, 2012  11:56 PM)Cosmic Wrote: [ -> ]Its an okay story. I will continue to read the newest chapters when they come out. The grammer not that bad. But continue to make more. there entertaining. Grin
yea today later on i will finish writing chapter 3!
Is this story told in past or present tense?
It seems to be both... can you edit it so it will be only one tense?

Also, can you make the dialog like this:
"Hey, Takasu, wanna check out my story?" Sparkman asked.
"Sure!" I squeaked in my mouse voice.
(Aug. 17, 2012  4:59 AM)Takasu Wrote: [ -> ]Is this story told in past or present tense?
It seems to be both... can you edit it so it will be only one tense?

Also, can you make the dialog like this:
"Hey, Takasu, wanna check out my story?" Sparkman asked.
"Sure!" I squeaked in my mouse voice.

Ok I will thanks for you help!
And spellchecks... *Grammar...
(Aug. 17, 2012  5:12 AM)DrPepsidew Wrote: [ -> ]And spellchecks... *Grammar...

There are no spelling mistakes!?!?!?!
*Yertown. Father's. *Aura. *Disappeared. But yeah the grammar is... *Shudder*. But if yuo do go through and fix all of the mistakes (capitolization, punctuation, etc.) it'd be good Smile
(Aug. 17, 2012  5:25 AM)DrPepsidew Wrote: [ -> ]*Yertown. Father's. *Aura. *Disappeared. But yeah the grammar is... *Shudder*. But if yuo do go through and fix all of the mistakes (capitolization, punctuation, etc.) it'd be good Smile

Father's I fixed that earlier!?!?.but I will check it again later thanks for you help!also Yertown is the exact name of the town!And isn't disappeared spelled like that?
You spelled one of the disappeared(s) wrong. But you need to cap. it.
(Aug. 17, 2012  5:32 AM)DrPepsidew Wrote: [ -> ]You spelled one of the disappeared(s) wrong. But you need to cap. it.

Oh ok thanks for the help!Smile
Since everyone else mentioned the spelling and grammar, I'll skip that.
  • Okay, first off: each time a different character says something ("Hey, let's go get some sandwiches!"Max called out. "Only if they've got cheese!" his friend Jack replied.) you should start a new line. Since WBO's formatting doesn't allow for indenting, you'll just have to stick with double-entering. Example:
    ("Hey, let's go get some sandwiches!" Max called out.

    "Only if they've got cheese!" his friend Jack replied.
    )

    This helps organization and presentation a ton, which in turn makes your story more appealing. If the same character is speaking, it can be included in the same paragraph. But only if it's the same character.

  • Now, ellipses (the dot-dot-dot) are only three dots (...), not five (.....).

  • Capitalization is your friend. Lack of it just makes people leave without giving it a chance.

  • Add more detail. Smells, sights, feelings, noises are all a part of being human. Your character is most likely human. ('Bobby walked into his room.' could easily be changed into 'Bobby walked into his messy room, feeling dreadful.')
Try reading some books, maybe a lot. Look at the characters, their personalities, how they're written. Look at the way the author structures and organizes their writing.

Good luck! Tongue_out
(Aug. 17, 2012  7:20 AM)NoodooSoup Wrote: [ -> ]Since everyone else mentioned the spelling and grammar, I'll skip that.
  • Okay, first off: each time a different character says something ("Hey, let's go get some sandwiches!"Max called out. "Only if they've got cheese!" his friend Jack replied.) you should start a new line. Since WBO's formatting doesn't allow for indenting, you'll just have to stick with double-entering. Example:
    ("Hey, let's go get some sandwiches!" Max called out.

    "Only if they've got cheese!" his friend Jack replied.
    )

    This helps organization and presentation a ton, which in turn makes your story more appealing. If the same character is speaking, it can be included in the same paragraph. But only if it's the same character.

  • Now, ellipses (the dot-dot-dot) are only three dots (...), not five (.....).

  • Capitalization is your friend. Lack of it just makes people leave without giving it a chance.

  • Add more detail. Smells, sights, feelings, noises are all a part of being human. Your character is most likely human. ('Bobby walked into his room.' could easily be changed into 'Bobby walked into his messy room, feeling dreadful.')
Try reading some books, maybe a lot. Look at the characters, their personalities, how their written. Look at the way the author structures and organizes their writing.

Good luck! Tongue_out

Thanks for all of your help guys!I will fix it!
Preety good story keep it up
its wonderful just fix the grammar next time okay
Besides everything I already said, you should put a space after punctuation. (It's chocolate. And, it's from Sweden. rather than It's chocolate.And,it's from Sweden.)
(Aug. 17, 2012  7:50 PM)NoodooSoup Wrote: [ -> ]Besides everything I already said, you should put a space after punctuation. (It's chocolate. And, it's from Sweden. rather than It's chocolate.And,it's from Sweden.)

Ok I will
great story so far
character request
name- Azhar Awan
bey- twisted bull 85 wd ( you could draw that without a description right )
looks- tall, kind of tan, wears branded clothing, looks cool
description- loves beyblading and basketball ( best basketball player in the school ), hates bullies, no one knows that he beyblades because he believes the bladers in the school are too weak until he sees Max
later on, he becomes max's best friend. He is also outgoing
(Aug. 18, 2012  12:39 AM)Beychamp76 Wrote: [ -> ]great story so far
character request
name- Azhar Awan
bey- twisted bull 85 wd ( you could draw that without a description right )
looks- tall, kind of tan, wears branded clothing, looks cool
description- loves beyblading and basketball ( best basketball player in the school ), hates bullies, no one knows that he beyblades because he believes the bladers in the school are too weak until he sees Max
later on, he becomes max's best friend. He is also outgoing

Yeah I can do it without a description and also cool character!but will this be the mysterious guy watching Max from the shadows?
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