World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

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This is my first story so tell me frankly about the story.
The mysterious girl:


The second dimension:

The day lynx stopped spinning:

Tell me if i should continue and i have char requests open

name
bey
type
special move
char description
gender
good/bad
Character request:

Name: Namllort Perd
Bey: Lightning Bull
Special Move: Rage
Description: Human. Normal looking except for one hand that is awkwardly twisted. So he has to pull the rip cord from his teeth.
Gender: Dude
EVIL.
Hello there it appears you don't know how to use dialogue.

Dialogue works like this,

"hey John!" exclaimed Mike.
"Hi Mike," said John.

Name: Mirai Kimoto
bey: Flash CancerCH120 RF
Type: attack
Special: you decide.
Char description: More or less a nice person. Other than that she has brown long hair, brown eyes, And if there is the basic school uniform if not you decide.
Gender: female
good

I'll think of more characters.
All in all, it's pretty good. Work on these things:

1. Make the chapters longer.
2. Space after each sentence.
3. What Shirayuki said.

If you want me to help with aything, PM me.

Character Request
Name: Francis Bonnefoy
Bey: MF-H Phantom Virgo S130MB
Type: Stamina
Special Move: Shadow Deception Blast (Virgo multiplies itself and attacks from all sides.)
Personality: A very flirtatious, nice, young man. He is always surrounded by ladies and is the number one blader in France. He came to Buenos Aries when he heard about Zack. He enjoys helping others in need and is filthy rich. He has never lost a battle in his life.
Clothes: He has dirty blonde, shoulder-length hair and blue eyes. He wears a long blue coat and matching capelet, with red pants and brown boots. He carries a red rose and has two swords by his side. He uses them when he or his friends are in danger. He has his bey and launcher in his belt.
Gender: Male
Side: Good.
Ehhh...What ChinaBlade said. But definitely a good start! My character...

Name: Yamaha Komiku (Male, Age 14)

Bey: Meteo L-Drago Assault 85XF (Attack type, duh..)

Special Move: Soaring BiteStrike (A giant Dragon attacks directly on the opponent...)

Personality: A very nice fellow. A monk from China. Meditates before every battle, and doesn't care about a win or a loss. Bald, with the Ying-Yang sign on his forehead...

Clothes: An orange karate costume with a black belt, and black shoes to match...

Side: Good...
name: Joey Oruto
bey: Saramanda Reviser GB145CS
type: Defense!
special move: Levithan Axe Smash ( A levithan warrior erupts out of him and smashes his axes on his opponent's bey.
char description: Joey is the best blader in Italy, but his family is facing a finacial problem. His goal is to rid the world of the evil bladers that caused his family hardship. He is kind, brave, trust-worthy, a little bit crazy, smart and strong. He wears skinny jeans, converse shoes, a green t-shirt, and glasses. He has brown hair and eyes.
gender: MALE
good/bad: Good
(Joey represents me, except for the finacial problem part.)
Chapter two is out and it has all your characters.I kept in mind what you guys said and wrote it.
Ehhhh..characters could've been portrayed in much more detail, and the battle really wasn't as exciting as I was expecting... :\

Yeah, this needs quite a bit more work from now on...
It's pretty good, but... Francis is from France, not Italy. XD
people who only post in this thread are allowed to vote
here's my character

Name: Katana Junai
bey: Hell Zurafa H145S
special: Ninja Samurai Slash, Tornado Blitz
type: Balance
char description: Nice and cool-headed, wears a shining white robe, brown gloves, green cargo pants and black boots
gender: female
good
dude u guys are sending in only good chars, i need bad ones too. i got only one evil char so far.

(Jul. 09, 2012  8:50 AM)Insomniac Wrote: [ -> ]Character request:

Name: Namllort Perd
Bey: Lightning Bull
Special Move: Rage
Description: Human. Normal looking except for one hand that is awkwardly twisted. So he has to pull the rip cord from his teeth.
Gender: Dude
EVIL.

Can i ask one more (bad)

Name:Count
Bey: Siphon Vampire TH170EWD
Type: Stamina

the rest you decide
How do 3 guys just appear?
(Jul. 14, 2012  8:02 AM)Shirayuki Wrote: [ -> ]How do 3 guys just appear?

Ditto. I was thinking the same thing.
Chapter 3, the day lynx stopped spinning, is out!!