World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Full Version: Beystory-Misadventures of Jordan Patterson
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Chapter 1-Bro I'm not a Cliche
Chapter 2-Pegasis Enters



Constructive criticism needed. Thank You[/align]
(Jul. 01, 2012  11:13 AM)pegasis1999 Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter 1-Bro I'm not a Cliche- Once upon in a land far far away,hold up wtf type cliche beginning is that. I'll take it from here narrator. Hi, people of the beyblade world my name is Jordan my friends Yorudan. Are you okay with that? Yea? Okay. I'm black or African American whatever you want to call it. I am a medium tone brown kid. I'm thirteen years old and was born in Havelock, North Carolina. I have medium brown eyes that strangely flare purple when mad. I'm about 5'2 and told i'm very intelligent. Due to living in Arkansas I can't compete in many tournaments. But i have competed in like five or six of them so i'm experienced. I've been beyblading since i was six i love the sport of beyblade. Here you've met me now meet my bey MF Basalt Pegasis 85 MF, he's a pretty cool dude and he is awesome in battle. So let's begin this story from the top.

That type of writing is used wen u r talking to someone in real life
Yeaaahhhh...this story has quite a few flaws:

1: WAY too short...
2: Too jumbled...
3: I can't make out some of that...
4: Don't use text for someone speaking...
5: A few 'I's that should be CAPPED aren't...

You should probably go to Sparta's Writing Therapy thread and ask for some tips to make this story better...
thanks guys
Posted chapter 2 in the spoilers
Ur spellings are far out man use a dictionary
1: O
2: X
3: X
4: O
5: O

Seriously, you really need to fix that stuff...
(Jul. 02, 2012  5:32 PM)DefStamina88 Wrote: [ -> ]1: O
2: X
3: X
4: O
5: O

Seriously, you really need to fix that stuff...

what am i doing wrong
(Jul. 02, 2012  6:00 PM)pegasis1999 Wrote: [ -> ]
(Jul. 02, 2012  5:32 PM)DefStamina88 Wrote: [ -> ]1: O
2: X
3: X
4: O
5: O

Seriously, you really need to fix that stuff...

what am i doing wrong

Look at my post before that one...
OH MY GOD!!INSULT!!