World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

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Hey guys!

I've been working on this for a while, so I figured I'd post a little bit of what I've done so far as a teaser for the book. It's only the first few chapters, so sorry about that. Comments and critiques always welcome, and very much appreciated. Thanks!

Cracks in the Walls

Prologue... (Click to View)
The First Chapter (Click to View)
The Second Chapter (Click to View)
The Third Chapter (Click to View)
The Fourth Chapter (Click to View)
Okay, just a few things:
In chapter 1, paragraph 3, "but I kept my mothers maiden name-Cromizoi." should be "but I kept my mothers maiden name - Cromizoi." The hyphen should have spaces before and after it. Otherwise, name and Cromizoi are connected.
In chapter 4, the first word in the second to last paragraph should be "Carp!" not "carp!" Just a minor error.
Overall, good start. But what happened to me helping you write the story?
(May. 28, 2012  4:01 PM)MaximumX Wrote: [ -> ]Okay, just a few things:
In chapter 1, paragraph 3, "but I kept my mothers maiden name-Cromizoi." should be "but I kept my mothers maiden name - Cromizoi." The hyphen should have spaces before and after it. Otherwise, name and Cromizoi are connected.
In chapter 4, the first word in the second to last paragraph should be "Carp!" not "carp!" Just a minor error.
Overall, good start. But what happened to me helping you write the story?

That was actually a swear, so the website must've just turned it into an uncapitalized "carp" But I'll fix the rest.

Text me and we'll work it out. Sorry about that.