You need to do spoilers if you don't know how read the rest
[ spoiler ] without the spaces
And to end [ /spoiler ] without the spaces
It should work like this
Here are a couple of suggestions: Don't compare every character to Sikura, and make certain that you capitalize names.
Other than that, it's a perfect story, and, uh, where did you get the beautiful dragon picture?
(Apr. 18, 2012 9:12 PM)Fakirs Duck Wrote: [ -> ]Here are a couple of suggestions: Don't compare every character to Sikura, and make certain that you capitalize names.
Other than that, it's a perfect story, and, uh, where did you get the beautiful dragon picture?
You beat me to it.
btw
I've redone chapter one for you
I stood there behind my locker speechless frozen by the beauty and elegance of the new girl, Sikura Sukai she had blonde flowing hair and blue eyes so beautiful you could drown in them. The bell rang and I snapped back to reality when my friend bushima approached me
"you okay man?" he asked me.
".......Yeah just fine" I whispered.
My name is Uchi Vonsola im 15 my friends describe my black emover hair style and my immense hight of 6 foot 3 inches to be goth, but I tell them it's a family tradition well, at least my adopted family. As soon as school was over i pulled my retractable sword out of my backpack and hopped on my bike and rode to the town beypark. When i got there i see a huge explosion of red light. As soon as it clears I see a fallen blader on one side and and on the other a kid wearing a black jacket with a sword which has a lizard hilt. I immeadiatly recognized it from my family's sword fighting class. His name was Nuri Samituga. He noticed me and ran away I chased after him with great speed. I corner him and remove the sword hilt exposing my launcher and I take out my meteo l-drago assault version out of my back pocket accepting the challenge, he pulls out his evil lacerta and does the same.
"3 2 1...... GOOOOOO SHOOT" we scream together.
The 2 beys were clashing with great power I sent his bey flying, then I notice a great pain where my heart is the I look at my chest and realize it bleeding NURI'S BEY HAD FLEW THROUGH MY HEART! I realized I had just died and fell to the floor .I woke up in bed the next morning wondering what the hell just happened? I look at my chest to see it was fine not a scratch on it
"it was just a dream" I whispered.
I was relived I got up and put on what I wear most of the time white Nike shoes, blue jeans with white paint splotches at the ankles, and a white shirt and a blue jacket with no hood and the collar up unzipped. I go to school to see Bushima waiting for me nervously. I walk up to him he turns around surprised.
"I saw a big red light at the beypark yesterday what happened?!" Bushima said.
"So it wasn't a dream?" I thought.
I had to do quickly so it's not perfect. Couldn't add description just fixed punctuation and dialogue.
i got the pic from thazumi.deviantart.com
does anyone have constructed criticism anybody
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMPING TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you can only bump in the bey marketplace.
I have seen like 2 or three stories that bump all the time
its part of the rules. read it.
does anyone still read this
anybody
Sorta I mean, you don't update
because I don't have any new characters to work with
btw in chapter 1 its through not threw
has anyone noticed the new version of the story
I have!
I love it!!! Do you need another character?
(Apr. 18, 2012 9:14 PM)Shirayuki Wrote: [ -> ] (Apr. 18, 2012 9:12 PM)Fakirs Duck Wrote: [ -> ]Here are a couple of suggestions: Don't compare every character to Sikura, and make certain that you capitalize names.
Other than that, it's a perfect story, and, uh, where did you get the beautiful dragon picture?
You beat me to it.
btw
I've redone chapter one for you
I stood there behind my locker speechless frozen by the beauty and elegance of the new girl, Sikura Sukai she had blonde flowing hair and blue eyes so beautiful you could drown in them. The bell rang and I snapped back to reality when my friend bushima approached me
"you okay man?" he asked me.
".......Yeah just fine" I whispered.
My name is Uchi Vonsola im 15 my friends describe my black emover hair style and my immense hight of 6 foot 3 inches to be goth, but I tell them it's a family tradition well, at least my adopted family. As soon as school was over i pulled my retractable sword out of my backpack and hopped on my bike and rode to the town beypark. When i got there i see a huge explosion of red light. As soon as it clears I see a fallen blader on one side and and on the other a kid wearing a black jacket with a sword which has a lizard hilt. I immeadiatly recognized it from my family's sword fighting class. His name was Nuri Samituga. He noticed me and ran away I chased after him with great speed. I corner him and remove the sword hilt exposing my launcher and I take out my meteo l-drago assault version out of my back pocket accepting the challenge, he pulls out his evil lacerta and does the same.
"3 2 1...... GOOOOOO SHOOT" we scream together.
The 2 beys were clashing with great power I sent his bey flying, then I notice a great pain where my heart is the I look at my chest and realize it bleeding NURI'S BEY HAD FLEW THROUGH MY HEART! I realized I had just died and fell to the floor .I woke up in bed the next morning wondering what the hell just happened? I look at my chest to see it was fine not a scratch on it
"it was just a dream" I whispered.
I was relived I got up and put on what I wear most of the time white Nike shoes, blue jeans with white paint splotches at the ankles, and a white shirt and a blue jacket with no hood and the collar up unzipped. I go to school to see Bushima waiting for me nervously. I walk up to him he turns around surprised.
"I saw a big red light at the beypark yesterday what happened?!" Bushima said.
"So it wasn't a dream?" I thought.
just saying.
I need a lot more characters my friends on dragon adopters are helping me with some
(Jun. 16, 2012 6:04 PM)Fakir Wrote: [ -> ]I need a lot more characters my friends on dragon adopters are helping me with some
Hm...
Name: Mel Letresio (female)
Bey: Midnight Leone 145WF
Special Moves: Calling Howling Destruction, Rise of Chaos
Appearance: Wavy shoulder-length brown hair, crystalline blue eyes, pale skin. She wears a green t-shirt, black skinny jeans, and green tennis shoes...
Personality: She is very kind, yet she is a loner. She is known for being very beautiful, yet there was only one boy she ever loved. He died. She despises evil and fears death.
you need characters?
name: Mirai Sakamoto (female)
bey: Kries Cancer AD145WD
spec: Intensive stamina of hell (Take the amount of time the bey has been spinning multiply it by the launch power, and that's what the spin velocity will turn into) In shorter cases it adds stamina XDD
appearance: Hazel eyes, Brown long hair, Rest is your choice.
Personality: more or less dependable, likes people, known for being "liked"
thanks they will probably be on one of the national teams
Name: Chris Kagegestu
Gender:Male
Bey:shadow blade dragooon LW150M2B
Personality:knowledgeable and have pride of his own skills and tend to like fancy gold and expensive things and tend to act like an emperor
Looks:he have black sneakers blue jeans black and blue collar shirt and emporor like long black coat and tan skin and white and black hair
Special move: shadow star cyclone
Charecter for your story ( Based on an actual charecter from FMA:B
Gender: Male
Name: Ling Yao
Age: 16
Description: He is rich. Has black hair, going into a ponytail, and some of his hair covers his right eye a bit. Thin but serious black eyes and has 2 body guards, on a man, the other a girl he secretly likes. He wears a yellow shirt thats skin tight(He has above average muscles) with white going around the colar and a white stripe goin down the center of his shirt. Has white pants with a sword hilt bahind his hip (Like sasukes, look it up). He has lightweight Black Running shoes. Addidas brand.
He helps out the Uchi and Pals with his money after he is saved from a near death match between the main antagonist. He also sponsers Uchi and Co. in the championships. He is serious in public, but open minded and funny with friends. He can defend himself without his bodygaurds quite well.
Bey
based of a yugioh card) FlameArmour Ninja Shuriken 130 Rubber Flat Metal Ball( RF with small MB in middle)
The fusion wheel is in defence mode(Smooth) when attacked. When attacking, it has a tendancy to look like Galaxy with more attack. Shuriken 130 sends out water, fire, earth, and wind elemental attacks.
I also love the story!!! I love how there is actual life threatning battles in the story. Unlike the actual series.
Special move, 1:Aerial Ace: Never Misses. 2: Tri-Attack: sends Fire, linhtning, and ice to opponent. 3: Earthquake. Jumps high distance, and causes arena to shake violently.
that's a amazing character I will defnitly put him in my story
need 2 more characters 1 of which must be evil