World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Full Version: The Blades of Fury!
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I am like BP, can't stick to one story XD

Prologue: Stranded
I still have some grammar mistakes, I know. so any suggestions?
So, this is actually the first time I saw you do a story... and it it excellent. It's still the prologue, I know, but you had the power to make it exciting. Kudos for that.
Anyway, here are some of my suggestions.
-You sometimes (Well, I only saw one) forget to use past tense verbs.
-You also forget to use capital letters after a punctuation.
-That being said, you also forget to use punctuations after your character says something.
-Also, "were" should be changed into "we're" because were is just a past tense of are, while we're is referring to we are. Which I assume is that Aki is pertaining to him and Lucy characters.

That's about it. The other problems can be fixed with the suggestions I gave above.
Other than that, I like this. Very much. Go on.
Thanks, Deus. I should take note of that XD

Anyways, Here's the first Chapter!:

Chapter 1: Unexpected
phew! that was long XD


Whoa, Metallica = Dwarf/Gnome?
Anyway, it's pretty interesting already. Tongue_out Though near the end Metallica said, "does" do you mean "those?"
Also, it's not -that- long. But, it is be a good improvement.
Metallica Wrote:I am a Guardian, Not a Dwarf/Gnome. What do expect? I'm like a dragon or something?! News flash: I'M NOT.

ANYWAYS, Chapter 2!:

Chapter 2: Explanation
フレイムの剣がアクティブに- means "Flame sword Activate". It will be changed, however ;p

EDIT:OH! and yes, I forgot:
I made a blog site for some of my daily craziness. The story will also be posted there, and some of my "crazy" stuff XD
Its called: The Blood Files!
I will still post the story here, but you can check out my blog site for updates on the stories, and my works of art!
I love the entire thing
This is what u call awesome!
Quote:I grabbed Lucy, and we hide at a nearly surviving hut.

hide? the action hiding is already over so I think it is supposed to be hid cuz hide is present tense and hid is past Tense.

Quote:"Oh, sorry for the rude attitude. The name is Metallica

It seems that u have mistaken it is supposed to be My name but u kept The Name
Correct me if i am wrong Grin

Thank u




Ah yes, I forgot about those...

TBH, the part where Metallica is introducing himself, was suppose to be:
"The name's Metallica"

I just didn't notice it. Gonna edit it now! thanks
Sorry for double post, But here is Chapter 3!

Chapter 3: The seige
Uhh, Not much of an action, isn't it?
Sorry for triple post, but here is Chapter 4!

Chapter 4: The Flame Knight Awakens
More Japanese words: More translating! XD
炎の噴火- Flame Eruption
Due to writer's block, I haven't even made the next chapter...

However, here's the Bio of the main Character, Akira. It could give you spoilers, though XD:
Akira
This is a beautiful story... *sighs contently*
I made up some characters: Kazuo is a 13-year old who is very smart and brave, yet physically weak, he is the prince of a race called Zykans, an aquatic race that can control water, Kazuo has control over water. Kazuo makes puns as comic relief for his friends.
nice story man!
(Apr. 28, 2012  12:28 PM)Akio314 Wrote: [ -> ]I made up some characters: Kazuo is a 13-year old who is very smart and brave, yet physically weak, he is the prince of a race called Zykans, an aquatic race that can control water, Kazuo has control over water. Kazuo makes puns as comic relief for his friends.

I don't need characters right now. I'll sure contact you if I do.

thanks to the ones who likes it, as a prize next chapter TOM!!
It's alright to not be loyal to just one story-almost all professional writers will bounce from idea to idea, starting on this and that and rarely finishing anything. And what they do finish, gets published. That's the process.

I saw a few grammatical errors (Like plurals), as well as some comma misuse. You're a very descriptive writer, and that's something that will work for you. You're good at painting scenes, and in chapter one I could see the monster you were describing. Add some tags after your dialogue here and there, and make sure to really amp up the battle scenes-they're supposed to be intense, so write them as such!
I don't really get the Tags you mean after the dialouge. you mean like:
["Blalalalala" I exclaimed] thing?
Sort of. I mean saying something to direct the reader as to who said that piece of dialogue.
Which one is easier to read/more detailed?
"Hi" I said
"Hey"
"What's up?" He scratched his head
"Not much"
Or
"Hey" I said
"Hey"
"What's up?" He scratched his head.
"Not much" I replied happily

When you get a constant stream between 2 people, you don't need it. But when you are switching between a group of people or there are breaks in the dialogue, it's good to say who's saying what.
ohhh... well thank you for that. I should try to make it...
Well, I just thought since you don't have many characters yet, that I should give you an idea.
Wow, It's been awhile since I started this again. Let's continue where Aki Left of, shall we?
Chapter 5: Look out!
Sorry if it's a bit small. I'm a bit sleepy. I guess I'll edit some parts of it tomorrow. but till then!
溶岩ブーメラン - Lava Boomerang
Here is chapter 6 of this series!

Chapter 6: The King's Last battle
I feel I made this in a lazy way, so sorry if they are in wrong grammar.

Oh, and sorry for this post. Not much people read my stories...

Hah, your story writing is just as good as your GFX
Thanks!

Anyways, here is chapter 7:

Chapter 7: The mistress of darkness
What could be that spell he used? Will he be able to defeat the mistress? Find out in the next chapter