Hey guys,this is my first beystory so I hope you like it!
chapter 1 The annoying mysterious bladers
___________________________________________________
3, 2, 1, LET IT RIP!
Alex watched as the opponets bey was being slammed against the walls of the stadium. Sparks flew as Alex and the mysterious bladers beys clashed in the stadium."Special move, Kerbecs INFERNO LAVA STRIKE!!" yelled Alex. Kerbecs went to the center of the stadium. Because of it's amazing rotation speed, Alex's bey Hell kerbecs started creating an amazing amount of heat,which was turning the stadium into a pit of molten lava. Hell Kerbecs created a vacuum of lava,which sucked the opponets bey into it and scorched it,sending it flying. "Man,that's the 5th one today!"said Alex,extremely tired. He had been battling people like this all week. It all started a week ago. Alex had participated in a tournament. In the final round,he had defeated his opponet which used a Ray unicorno aruara version. When the other blader had lost he said something about" bladers coming to get you" or whatever.Alex actually had some extremely exciting news for his friends back at his house. The tournament to decide their country's team for the world championship was tomorow! Alex rushed to his house. When he got there his friends Danny and Sarah were battling.Danny's bey Death Quetzcoatel 100 RDF was clashing with Sarah's bey Holy Angel AB105 XF. " In case you forgot Danny,attack boost105 increases maxinum attack power by nearly 100%." Alex wasn't suprised. Sarah usally brags to much about her bey. "Hey guys!" said Alex. After Danny and Sarah greeted Alex,he told them the news."WHAT!!!!" yelled Danny and Sarah at the same time. Then they started jumping off the walls. "Something tells me it's gonna be a loooong night" said Alex. Meanwhile,at death canyon something strange was going on."Go, Hell Raven! Blast that rock to bits!" Hell Raven didn't even seem to move,yet the giant boulder in front of the bey was suddenly demolished. "Do you think he's ready, sir?" asked a man to a person in a white tuxedo. "Yes,yes he is." answered the man in the white tuxedo.
So guys,what did you think? BTW,I should be makeing 1 chapter every weekend.
paragraphs are your friends! the stories better than some i've seen, but grammar and spellings are a problem along with paragraphs...
Okay, I'll try to make it better next chapter.
BTW,I'm accepting character requests
.
Yes I've retired. Still, this needs to be done.
Dear story writer,
Do not use character requests. That is all.
Have a great day,
Sparta
(Sep. 29, 2011 6:53 PM)grandpegasus Wrote: [ -> ]Also, I'm only in third grade.
I am dissapoint.
Please don't use this as an excuse. Thanks.
(Sep. 29, 2011 6:53 PM)grandpegasus Wrote: [ -> ]BTW,I'm accepting character requests.
Don't listen to Sparta. He's just jealous that your story has such great potential.
Name: Deikailo
Gender: Female
Age: 21
Appearance:
Beyblade: Inferno Aquario M145R2F
Skill level: -11
Personality: Everyone thinks Deikailo is amazing, but she actually sucks. She's a ditz, too.
How you should include this character: Bluezee should defeat her so bad she either dies (metaphorically, somehow), passes out and wakes up in a mysterious room, or you just forget to include her in future chapters.
Your story will never be amazing without this character (this is from a very unreliable source, but you should trust me anyway).
Generally, don't do character requests, but I reckon Deikailo has just handed a great character to you on a golden platter.
Thanks to all you guys who like my story. Actually,I stay away from writing as much as much as possible.
Okay, I'm going to be brutally honest, you shouldn't be proud of yourself, the story is poorly written, has nothing remotely resembling pacing OR flow, and quite often makes no sense at all (hell kerbecs creating so much friction a stadium turns into lava (molten rock)), and you desperately need to use proper spacing. I suggest you learn more about proper story writing before you continue. Some of the guys in this forum may be able to give you pointers, and I suggest, if they do, you take their advice, no matter how harsh it may be.
Listen,unless you something nice to say DON'T POST ANYTHING AT ALL!!!!!!!
Cuz' I'm proud of what I wrote.If you don't like how I made mistakes here and there,why don't you rewrite it yourself?
Because there's nothing worth rewriting, and I'm mature enough to know I'm not good at writing. However, it doesn't take a chef to tell if toast is burnt, just as it doesn't take an author to tell that a story is bad.
You can't live in a mythical land where everything you do is a masterpiece, and we're all trying to tell you that, because you only embarrass yourself. You need to grow up and realise that you are simply not good at writing, and unless you put effort into understanding criticism and improving, you never will be.
You didn't make mistakes here and there, the entire story is a mistake, and posting it was a mistake. This forum is full of tripe, I'm just being kind enough to tell you straight.
I don't like what you wrote, at all. Th!nk is right. In fact, I will rewrite it myself. But only a few sentences.
Quote:Alex's beyblade clashed with his opponents in a flurry of sparks.
"Go Hell Kerbecs! Special Move: Inferno Lava Strike!" he cried out. His bey, Kerbecs, moved slowly to the center of the large bowl. It's rapid rotation created an insane amount of friction, resulting in an immense amount of heat. Suddenly, the stone beneath the blade began to melt, turning into molten lava. While still spinning, Kerbecs used the lava to become a whirlwind, rapidly circling around it. His opponent was sent into the air, declaring his victory.
I only fixed grammar and spelling. Plot hasn't been touched.
Listen up, Noodoosoup and Th!nk.Will you just be quiet and stop posting in my thread? Because,in case you haven't noticed,there is this nice little thing in the corner that says report.And you never know,I might be pushing it right now
!
Push it all you want. I have nothing to fear. You asked me to fix the story, and I did. Case closed.
We're only trying to help you, if you're too immature to accept that help, so be it. NoodooSoup was gracious enough to put in the effort of fixing your spelling and grammar, you should be grateful to him for that.
That said, feel free to report me. While you're at it, read my guide to the WBO and not getting warned (link in my signature), as your inability to tolerate criticism will not get you far here.
i dont think he has to worry although i fail at making story's i see much potential look out we might have the next J. K. Rowling here
(Sep. 29, 2011 10:48 PM)grandpegasus Wrote: [ -> ]Listen up, Noodoosoup and Th!nk.Will you just be quiet and stop posting in my thread? Because,in case you haven't noticed,there is this nice little thing in the corner that says report.And you never know,I might be pushing it right now!
Reporting posts does not automatically get someone a warning. We think before that.
Wow, th!nk, you went all out
But I agree the story needs more work. GrandPegasus, you need to take in the advice of more advanced members. People like Noodoo and I have got running stories, entered writing comps and done very well in them. If you need help with a story or need advice on a new chapter then sure, PM me or one of the other great writers on this site (RowDog, Vintage just to name a few). We here on the WBO do not get angry with people posting stories that need work, we want to help you. It's when people don't check spelling and grammar, then get angry at people like us who are trying to help them that we get annoyed.
Okay everyone, This is a apology . I'm really sorry. I just got ticked off. This is my first beystory. I thought it was really good. So when people said that there was mistakes,I didn't notice them. So I just got angry. So, for now on I'm never going to post again. I'm just gonna continue my story in my spare time. So I'm hoping that everyone acepts my apology.
(Sep. 29, 2011 6:53 PM)grandpegasus Wrote: [ -> ]Also, I'm only in third grade.
I used this excuse before..
(Sep. 30, 2011 12:37 AM)BladingKiller Wrote: [ -> ] (Sep. 29, 2011 6:53 PM)grandpegasus Wrote: [ -> ]Also, I'm only in third grade.
I used this excuse before..
And it didn't go well for you.
lol at this tantrum, but I like how he didn't mind me giving him critisicm, yet I was implying the same things, and i'm advanced in writing, possibly more than Th!nk because I have written stories and I know what goes wrong in a story, and I didn't take criticism well, but if you do your story improves!
u kno u "writers" think your excellent but when a story maker is just starting out you guys put so MUCH pressure on the writer i tried my best and all i got was more and more pressure and that's why i stopped cuz i felt like you guys were expecting me to be fabulous when i wrote my story's i went in with the same practical exp as this guy only he is in the 3rd grade and there not as good at handling pressure when i snapped i was tired of the pressure u all put me under and to top that you were almost always rude and the same here if you live in America there's a term that expresses people like u guys who only judge brutally to a point where it REALLY hearts us the term Simon Cowell a extremely critical judge on American idol from the very beginning im tired of those of u who relentlessly and completely destroy a writers spirit i saw the errors but i didn't care most of the words i cnt type without spell check and some i have to Google just so i know i spelled right and mu vocab is limited to what i can spell or spell with splcheck or Google i commend this guy he stopped early cuz he didn't want the trouble and that is a good thing
[/rant]
You know what? We aren't proud and mighty and all that. You just don't want to accept improvement. Well, we're just trying to help you. If you can't accept criticism, then get out! We're, once again, are just trying to help by offering our opinions and suggestions for YOU to improve. Stop ranting. We know he's just starting and that is why we give him this. So he can IMPROVE How the heck in the world are you going to improve if nobody would tell you what is wrong?! Don't you get it? Since he is new to this he is probably having troubles yes? He needs to improve right? How will he improve? That is what we're doing. Now stop being a jerk. We're just trying to help. If you don't want help, we won't post and you won't improve....EVER. You'll suck until you die without CRITICISM.
~Have a good day
~Sincerely, BeybladerPotter
This is the exact reason why I stopped reviewing. People just make excuses, then people take sides, and it turns into a fight. Here's my say, without really "Taking a side"
For the reviewers-We've had long discussions on how some people can be bullies on this site sometimes, and I believe we are trying to work on that. Temporal and I used to be pretty nasty to writers, but we've tried to work on that. I think all of us here just need to chill and not freak out at people no matter how frustrating it is.
For the writers-You know, when you post a story where others can see it make no mistake, there will be people who don't like it. That's a fact of life that can apply to anything. Also, the people who give reviews do it for a reason-they're good at what they do, and they know what they're doing. They reason people get angry is fear. Fear of being wrong or proved wrong. Think of us as quicksand. Fighting it will only make the situation worse. Instead, if you accept it, you will be able to get out. Yes, you will have to work to get better (Like you would have to work to get out of the stuff), but in the end you can escape and you'll be better off.
That was a really screwed up metaphor, but hopefully you get the point.