World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Name:JAMES
Role:main character
Bey:meteo l drago/dragoon LW125 R2F
Special move: wind sabre rush/dragoon moves so fast it becomes invisible then creates a invisible tornado never knowing were its coming from it is almost impossible to dodge
Character description :Aj dosent usually get mad but if he does he will most likely transfer his rage into meteo l dragoon.

Name:Ian
Role:Main character #2
Bey:Hell pegasis BD230 RS
Special move: fire sabre rush/pegasis is launched into the air by the slope of the beystadium starts to ignite a flame in the air then rushes to hit the other beyblade.
Character description :Ian is always calm but is very strong.He is very quiet.
Aj's brother.




BEFORE YOU READ MY STORIE JUST KNOW MY GRAMMAR ISNT THE BEST SO PLEASE EXCUSE MY GRAMMAR.

Chapter 1:Meteor impact?
Aj get up we are going to be late for school Ian said alright I'm up I will get ready.
30 minutes later Aj and Ian were ready they left through the front door.When they were going to the bus stop they heard something when they looked up they saw a meteorite.AJ LOOK OUT!!!Ian Warned Aj.Ian shoved aj out of the way of the meteorite.As it impacted the earth It cracked inside were 2 beys Meteor l dragoon and hell pegasis.Hey ian which bey do you want?said Aj. Hmm... Hell pegasis.said Ian. Alright I will take meteo l dragoon wow not these beys don't seem normal.Said Ian. What the heck do you think it came out of a meteorite.Of course they are not normal they are special.Said Aj.Aj started walking to the bus stop.
AJ WAIT!!!Yelled Ian.What is the matter.Said Aj.Lets test them out! Said Ian.
Uhh...o..k...
3...2...1....GO SHOOT! the beys fell to the pavement.GOO DRAGOON!!GOO PEGASIS!!said Aj and Ian.
A Blue dragon came out of Meteo l dragoon.A red pegasis came out of hell pegasis.The two mythical animals fought clashed when it was all over their beys started glowing.Pegasis started glowing red.Dragoon started glowing yellow.WOW these beyblades are definitely special.
End chapter 1
Honest feedback please

it pretty good so far when will you put up chap 2

PRETTY GOOD!? Where do you see THAT? No quotation marks, no grammar, not a damn comma/semi-colon anywhere, this is just bad. And really? "AJ doesn't normally get mad, but when he does, he will most likely transfer his rage to Meteo L-Dragoon"? Mary-Sue/Cliche as hell, much?

Both characters have such good beys to start with? That screams mary-sue! Also, you could've incorperated all the extra info into the story if you wanted. And for reference, it's Meteo L-DRAGO. Not L-Dragoon. So I don't have to rant any longer, I'll just second what Temporal said.

...Yup, looks like what I wanted to say has already been said. No grammar, too much dialogue, no description, mary sue, very cliche...

As an alternative, I can help write a chapter for you, or at least fix this one up if you'd like. My hope is that it will teach you better grammar and how to avoid cliches. So, if you'd like, my offer is on the table.

(Sep. 04, 2011  7:22 AM)Temporal Wrote: [ -> ]PRETTY GOOD!? Where do you see THAT? No quotation marks, no grammar, not a damn comma/semi-colon anywhere, this is just bad. And really? "AJ doesn't normally get mad, but when he does, he will most likely transfer his rage to Meteo L-Dragoon"? Mary-Sue/Cliche as hell, much?

I know I already said what you said on another forum that he posted it on, I just didn't feel like saying it again, because he already saw what I said.

this is SOOOOOOOOOOOO boring!hell pegasus!no such bey!(unless u combine hell carabyx with any pegasus bey)and for starters,i agree with the haters,your thread...
SUCKS BALLS!dont make another thread,please!!!!!!!!!if u do,i will ban u or change your password

(Sep. 08, 2011  10:00 PM)honchey Wrote: [ -> ]this is SOOOOOOOOOOOO boring!hell pegasus!no such bey!(unless u combine hell carabyx with any pegasus bey)and for starters,i agree with the haters,your thread...
SUCKS BALLS!dont make another thread,please!!!!!!!!!if u do,i will ban u or change your password

Wow, this guy means serious business o.O

No, seriously, if you're going to criticize, at least back up your statements. You can make Hell Pegasis, because last time I checked Beyblade is about customizing. Your lack of back up makes it seem like you only insulted his thread because you wanted to join the "bandwagon".

P.S: You're not a mod, so no banning for you You also can't change passwords; not even mods can.

Honest feedback huh?
This story has no plot at all, It bored me too much, there was not much creativity, already using Meteo L-Drago, transferring rage, (you must extremely like ryuuga) and last of all, not word play, no dialogue, and no sentence fluency... Over all, this story is just really bad. And you may have put the disclaimer, but still, the grammar was horrid. This need loads of work.

PS: "Storie" is spelled Story, also need spelling work.

Pretty good. I am now going to try to make a story.

(Sep. 08, 2011  10:22 PM)lightning leon Wrote: [ -> ]Pretty good. I am now going to try to make a story.

Please don't unless you really want to write to improve, or have a firm grasp of the English language.

I smell a troll up there. Anyways, I stated how bad it is on Tempo, and I'll tell you again here. DON'T WRITE STORIES ON THE WEB UNTIL YOU LEARN PROPER GRAMMAR.

Or can spell Story. Really, you write like you're three. Also, Honchey. Bandwagon hate is NOT cool, man. Especially when you can't even make yourself seem intelligent while doing so.

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(Sep. 08, 2011  10:22 PM)lightning leon Wrote: [ -> ]Pretty good. I am now going to try to make a story.

Do not try to advertise yourself. Also, read it. It is in no way "pretty good".

So much for the warning...

Well, they took the words right out of my mouth.

And i guess what's the problem here now: ITS THE ONE WHO COMMENTS HERE.

AND you spelt story wrong..

What is wrong with all of you, you do not have to be ten to criticise this story. It only takes one person to tell him that he cannot spell and that the lack of punctuation is a real nuisance. If nobody else replies, then everybody else agrees, that is all.