Chapter one:
Cyo was a boy with brown hair, green eyes, and he had a black tank top and blue jeans, he also had black shoes. Cyo woke up one morning and grabbed his bey, Libra BD145WD. He ate a pancake and walked out the door. He rode his red bike through the forest and then, a little kid with orange hair and brown eyes jumped in front of him. He grabbed out a green string launcher and grip and a put a beyblade into it. "I challenge you to a battle!" the boy said. "Only if you dont mind getting beat!" said Cyo. Cyo took out a blue rev-up launcher and a blue grip. He put Libra into the launcher. 3! 2! 1! GO SHOOT!!!
i plan on writing more. i hope you like it!
Good story want to read it again but when are the other one gonna come out plz tell me when so i can read them all
Chapter 2:
The beys were spinning. The opponents bey looked like Meteo Perseus LW105R2F. "Lets finish now!" the boy said. "Perseus!, SPECIAL MOVE!, METEOR SHOWER ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Not if i can help it!" Cyo said. "Libra, special move! Killer Sand Tornado"the tornado of sand got bigger and bigger. Then meteors startied falling from the sky! The meteor destroyed the tornado. "Libra dodge the meteors!" yelled Cyo. Libra kept dodging the meteors. BOOM!!! a meteor had hit Libra! Libra was in pieces."LIBRA" yelled Cyo. Cyo looked up. The blader was gone! Cyo screamed "LIBRA!!!!!!!!!" yelled Cyo
Hope you like it.
It needs more entertainment and you need to have more lines then that not trying to judgmental or anything but it needs a lot of work
Chapter are a bit too on the short side, you dob't really seem to take time to be detailed, it's a block of text (When ever someone new speaks, start on a new line), the first 'chapter' is pretty much a character description, the plot is typical and it's easy to see what's coming, and then there was 'Cyo screamed "LIBRA!!!!!!!!!" yelled Cyo'. Sorry if that was harsh, but I don't like it when someone calls a paragraph a chapter and puts little thought into it. Try to hold off on 'chapters', take and write around 5 and then release that as a chapter. Hope I helped. Also, look at 'The Writer's Handbook' for anything I missed.
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I'd really like to not write a review. Please just visit the writers handbook and read that through. Then read it again. And when you think you've read it enough, go through again. If you're still unsure of anything, PM me.
I need to say this: PLEASE put more than 3 sentence in a 'chapter'.
...It seems like the people already here have said much about this. Except I found a little bit more.
This character is BY FAR one of the biggest Mary-Sues you can have in Beyblade. Libra BD145? Really? Some sentences make NO sense whatsoever, as in "Grabbed Out" will get you laughed at. It's about as short as Rock Bull 85XF, the paragraph(s) is/are choppy, there are NO transitions, the plot is indiscernable, and it is overall plain old effortless. I'd advise you to put more effort into writing, and read the Writer's Handbook, ALONG WITH EVERY SINGLE POST. From mine on up to NooDoo Soup's. Rant done.
EDIT: Can nobody here capitalize "I"? It's not THAT hard.
i'm sorry my story is not good. i will not be making more chapters. I will write more stuff outside of wbo and at some point i will write another story and post it here.
Jeez louise, it annoys me to no end when people end their stories because of a little criticism. How about, let's see, improving it? But you know what, do what you want, stop your story or whatever. Just don't expect to get any better.
(Aug. 21, 2011 6:19 PM)NoodooSoup Wrote: [ -> ]Jeez louise, it annoys me to no end when people end their stories because of a little criticism. How about, let's see, improving it? But you know what, do what you want, stop your story or whatever. Just don't expect to get any better.
This. I always thought that many writers here only wrote to feed their ego, and this is exact proof. Do you know how much I've been criticized? I once wanted a story published in installments on my school's newspaper, and I was turned down with a list of what was wrong. Do you know how to fix it? Fix it, obviously. Take the advice, don't just quit. If you wanna quit, then quit.
(Aug. 21, 2011 6:40 PM)Temporal Wrote: [ -> ] (Aug. 21, 2011 6:19 PM)NoodooSoup Wrote: [ -> ]Jeez louise, it annoys me to no end when people end their stories because of a little criticism. How about, let's see, improving it? But you know what, do what you want, stop your story or whatever. Just don't expect to get any better.
This. I always thought that many writers here only wrote to feed their ego, and this is exact proof. Do you know how much I've been criticized? I once wanted a story published in installments on my school's newspaper, and I was turned down with a list of what was wrong. Do you know how to fix it? Fix it, obviously. Take the advice, don't just quit. If you wanna quit, then quit.
Ha! And people expect to see a great story handed to them on a silver platter. It's laughable, just plain laughable!
Alright, here's what I suggest: Keep writing! Take our advice, and day by day improve yourself. Do you think NooDoo, Temporal or I became great writers overnight?
For starters, why don't you PM one of us? If you want, I can give you some tips (In fact, Iakou has done just this).
Me? Great writer? Hah, I just know how to criticize
And on the topic, the quality of writing nowadays really has gone down. It seems some people only write for the money or publicity. It's kinda upsetting.
Is it okay if I say *Cough*Twilight*Cough* here? Read Maximim Ride, and compare it to Twilight. Or even The Knife of Letting Go. Both are better than Twilight by a longshot.
I only stopped writing so i could get better. Plus I dont think Cyo should have such a good bey. I will write more stories soon. Could someone please give me a link to the writers handbook? I will pm one of you sometime. I just hope I become an author someday.
Well if your done posting i will stopping looking on this page so darn
@ Temporal and Noodoo, however if the story has a bad beginning and as you guys have already proved there is little you like about the story you may aswell stop it because people aren't going to want to continue reading it.
EpicSmashAttack I think that it is a smart idea for you to stop so you can get better and make a new story which will get people's attention.
Chapter three:
"LIBRA!!!!!" Cyo screamed again as he yelled. Cyo was very sad about his bey being destroyed. He grabbed out a gluestick from the meteors and glued Libra back together! He got back on his red bike and rode to the end of the forest. At the end of the forest there was a restaurant and Cyo ate a hamburger with delicious ketchup on it and then he saw the boy again! Cyo screamed "You destroyed my bey!!!!!" he said calmly. "You should've been a better blader!" said the boy. Cyo said "Your Beyblade combination is illegal!!! You cannot have Perseus on Meteo! It's against the rules!!!!" The boy smiled in terror. "What are you going to do about it??" he said. Cyo got on the phone and called the police! "911 what is your emergency" the phone said.
Hope you like it.