Chapter 1: Freezing Wings
Kyle glanced into the beautiful sight of the freezing tundra, "It's all so beautiful..." Kyle whispered as cold steam left his mouth.
A bunch of raptor like creatures zoomed past him, running as if they we were being chased by something big. We call this creatures "Preys" but there are a lot of kinds of these preys.
The ones that have adapted to the extremely cold weather are called Cryopreys.
Kyle looked for the things the Cryopreys were running from. After nearly an hour of waiting, a dark shadow loomed over the Icy plain, Kyle looked behind him... it was a wyvern-like creature that had solid ice for wings! It pulled it's head back, and blasted a Freezing snowball.
Kyle rolled out of the way, and readied his sword and shield, wondering if the fatigue of traversing through the freezing location caught up with him.
The beast raised it's claw and slammed it against Kyle, the ice underneath him cracked as he ran away from the beast.
The monster gave one last, spine chilling, roar...
End of chapter 1
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Supposed to be a Prolouge really but I advanced
(Jul. 31, 2011 11:27 AM)XwailingX Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter 1: Freezing Wings
Kyle glanced into the beautiful sight of the freezing tundra, "It's all so beautiful..." I whispered as cold steam left his mouth.
A bunch of raptor like creatures zoomed past him, running as if they we were being chased by something big. We call this creatures "Preys" but there are a lot of kinds of these preys.
The ones that have adapted to the extremely cold weather are called Cryopreys.
Kyle looked for the things the Cryopreys were looking for. After nearly an hour of waiting, a dark shadow loomed over the Icy plain, Kyle looked behind him... it was a wyvern-like creature that had solid ice for wings! It pulled it's head back, and blasted a Freezing snowball.
Kyle rolled out of the way, and readied his sword and shield, wondering if the fatigue of traversing through the freezing location caught up with him.
The beast raised it's claw and slammed it against Kyle, the ice underneath him cracked as he ran away from the beast.
The monster gave one last, spine chilling, roar...
End of chapter 1
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Supposed to be a Prolouge really but I advanced
nice i like it i dont see and spelling errors either
Chapter 2: Revelations
Kyle walked back to his base. Known as VANGUARD, a military group to fight against the deadly group of creatures inhabiting a post apocalyptic world... these creatures are simply known as "Monsters"
The world has run into chaos as mysterious creatures started popping out of nowhere and killed the human race.
The human race still thrives in select locations where they are protected by the VANGUARD branches, such as Kyle's branch... which is the main branch of the VANGUARD organization.
"Hey Kyle... Where ya been?" Eric asked, "The branchmaster called us for a group assembly hours ago!"
"Just had a tour around the Tundra."
ATTENTION ARES TYPE UNITS! PLEASE ATTEND TO THE DIRECTOR'S OFFICE
IMMEDIATELY!
"Well, there's the announcement! Let's go!"
The two ran to the the Dirctor's Office, unfortunately... the two came late.
"Please take a seat. Anyway, as you may know, monster populations have exploded
into every part of the Earth. We are taking action to find the cause of the monsters'
widespread and shut it down... ultimately ending the reproduction of the monsters."
"Sadly, we have no signs nor evidences to where it may be, so the Ares type Group
is assigned to take the frontline and defeat any new monsters or lessen the
population of the discovered ones while the Zeus unit take charge of finding the
root cause... any questions?"
Silence fell in the room, "No? Good. You are dismissed!"
They walked outside the room, "At least we have the funnest part!" Sam pounced at Kyle, "Your right Sam, we're gonna have a good time." Azra walked up to the three
holding her signature Dual Pistols.
"Ares unit group 1, please come to the mission stand." The group approached the
stand, "You have been assigned in a urgent mission, a new monster has appeared in the tundra, you are ordered to eliminate it and bring it's body for inspection."
They nodded their heads...
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Pretty fast post huh? This one is actually just to inform you about what's going on, Enjoy!
Bump! Anyone have feedback? Really need some criticism man!
It's...not bad....but still not great. You used some descriptions for the animals and stuff, but your story is going a little fast. Slow it down, explain things.
Eh, I see a You're/Your mixup. Not perfect, and the story moves a bit fast, but it's okay. Not too many grammar errors, but there are SOME issues with capitalization. Does no-one here use semi-colons?
(Aug. 01, 2011 7:28 AM)Temporal Wrote: [ -> ]Eh, I see a You're/Your mixup. Not perfect, and the story moves a bit fast, but it's okay. Not too many grammar errors, but there are SOME issues with capitalization. Does no-one here use semi-colons?
I <3 semicolons. Other people should too; they're nice (you see what I did there
)
Chapter 3: The Frozen Bahamut
Told from Kyle's POV (from now on, the story will be told in his perspective)
We started preparing for the mission: Items, Weapons, and all the stuff like that. I even changed
my sword and shield get-up to a Greatsword.
"Kyle! Let's go!" I walked on over to the chopper pad where the helicopter is waiting for me.
With the wind blowing over me, I held on to my hood and boarded the chopper.
I stayed at the far side of the helicopter, thinking of the enemy we were going to face. realizing that I have seen this monster before... I shook my head, "This will be easy..." I murmured, confidently. Seeing that my new blade will be better because I had more practice and experience
with it...
Suddenly, the pilot announced: "We are in the drop-off point... may you all live to see another day."
I jumped off the chopper carrying Azra, followed by Eric and Sam.
"Thanks Kyle." Azra smiled
A familliar spine-chilling roar echoed through the frozen wasteland, I held up my sword and we listened again...
Another roar echoed again.
Seconds later, I shouted... "Behind You!" The wall of ice shattered behind us and the dragon ran after Sam; who was fleeing...
"Ah!" Sam screamed, I ran towards the Bahamut who I knew was plotting to kill Sam.
The Bahamut pounced at Sam, but at the last minute, Azra shouted.
"Tenkuu Otoshii!" Azra's voice broke through the silence of the heart-stopping scene, from Azra's pistols two Cobalt Bullets launched. It hit the dragon with the power of the sky.
The Dragon flew to the wall and gave a growl.
"Whew... that wa close." Sam wiped a tear of his eye,
"You think?"
The Dragon stood up once again, I ran towards it... "My turn..." I slashed my Giant sword with full power through the giant's chest.
The beast gave a scream and flew up; still in out sight. It charged a blue ball of energy from it's mouth...
it grew bigger and bigger.
"What the hell--- Get down!" Everyone followed my commands and evaded a devastating blue ball of fire.
"This thing is dangerous." Eric pulled out his lance.
The dragon dove down to us, Eric threw his lance and pierced the eye of the dragon. It fell to the icy plains.
Trying to do the finishing blow, Sam jumped up with katana at ready, trying to kill it, and plunged his Sword deep in it's rib.
The dragon roared so loud that we needed to cover our ears. It stood up and a blue sharp aura covered it's claws... later on it hardened into ice and impaled Sam into a tree.
Eric tried to save him and threw an explosive grenade at the dragon. The Bahamut put it's attention Eric and produced a Spear of Ice, and hurtled it towards Eric. "Damn..." Eric also got impaled by the dragon.
I knew it's target next is Azra, I looked at her and saw her impaled already. "No..." I raised my sword, "No!" I charged recklessly but the beast flung me upwards.
Attentively, I took advantage and had my sword at ready... soon gravity started to pull me downwards right towards the Bahamut. "Haaa!" Using my sword, I cut it's body in half.
The dragon gave it's final roar, and fell down to the ground; a huge slash mar behind it.
I fainted from exhaustion.
But I smiled... because I knew,
that it was over....
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Did this one on my iPhone so yeah sorry if it's not that good. Nut I promise that I will make chapter 4 better!
Chapter 4: Training Time
I regained consciousness and looked around. “Where am I?†I asked, seeing that I’m in our training room.
“Do not be troubled… we are here to test you.†A familiar voice echoed through the room.
I asked, “Director?â€
“You seem to know your superiors well, Kyle.†A monster came from a massive hole in the wall, it was colored black with glowing purple veins flowing through its whole body. It stood on it’s hind legs and roughly the size of a suburban house. Two enclosed wing-like objects protruded from it’s back… wondering what it was, the beast roared and the wing-like objects released flowing purple energy. I guessed that it uses it as a special means of transportation.
“This monster, or as we newly call them, Megami, has just been recently founded… it seems to inhabit cities, we have named it Orion as it hunts down even the most experienced Renbu users.â€
“Renbu? Megami?†I asked still being troubled.
“Megami are the monsters that ate the human race off the face of the Earth… we used to call them monsters but we changed it to have a more specific approach.â€
“What about Renbu?â€
“Kyle, I realize that you are new here, Renbu are the special weapons that you use… these are the only weapons that can kill Megami… whether it be weak, or strong. That is why normal, primitive weapons like sharp rocks don’t kill it. Even nukes can’t hurt it… but the environment around it can harm it, just like normal things do…“ The Director’s voice went on a more curious tone, “Megami are really one of kind aren’t they?â€
Orion roared. “It seems this Megami is rather impatient, engage it… We hope you can get out from here.â€
“Wait!†But it was too late…
Orion roared again and special flaps from the Megami opened and released flowing, glowing purple energy.
I raised my Renbu and the battle began…
Making its first move, Orion opened its mouth and released a beam of darkness. I rolled out of the way and ran towards it; sword at ready.
The beam started dissipating as the Megami swept it towards the side; aiming for me.
I jumped up, avoiding the beam, and landed a blow on its head. Orion wailed and dashed towards me, with the enclosed and small space of the training room, I had no chance of trying to escape and suffered a mortal blow from Orion. I held on to my hood as I bled, blood staining the mechanical floor of the training room. “This is no training!†I shouted, thinking that my death was near, I cried. Orion roared as if it were laughing.
Not giving up… I picked up my Greatsword and lashed at the Megami, Orion punched me up sending me crashing through the roof. I fell down, but still awake, I slashed its back just like the one with the Bahamut. It cried and flung me backwards with its devastating tail.
While still flying through the air; I regained my balance and landed on my feet, the beast tried to hit me with its fists. I dodged the punches while trying to run towards the wound on its back…
The beast kept its legs wide apart. Seeing this opportunity; I slid through the opening.
Appearing right at the large cut, I aimed for the vulnerable wound at its back, I prepared to strike it, “What an eyesore…†I impaled my giant sword in its back, thrusting it deeper as Orion wailed louder. In fact, it roared so loud that the soundproof training room was penetrated and the guards outside heard the blood curdling cry.
“Ha!†Ruthlessly, I pulled my sword from its back, and continued to leap inhumanly high.
With my sword, I pierced through the top of its skull. It was so deep that it penetrated though the whole head.
Orion flailed wildly, I pulled my sword and jumped from its head. Orion brutally exploded releasing a wave of purple energy from its corestream, radiating through the whole room; glass shattering and the walls getting obliterated. I tried to run from the wave of energy but the sheer force of the blast slammed me to the wall. “Ah!†Still alive, I looked at the Megami that has blown to a million pieces…
Limply, I stood up and extracted parts from the dead Orion. I put my sword on my shoulder and removed my hood…
The door opened, and I walked outside. The Director walked up to me, “Not bad for a 12 year old…†Not minding the compliment, I went up to my room….
I sat down on my bed and looked at my bleeding hand; noticing something.
“What the Heck?†Purple energy shone from my wound, “Is this---“ I stopped thinking and laid down in my bed.
I took off my hood, ignoring my body’s dangerous state, and drifted off to sleep.
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Chapter 5 will come shortly on Saturday or Friday and yes, Kyle is a young Renbu user… Eric and Sam are both 16 and Azra is 14….Twist? Hell Yeah!
Also, I will be updating every week!
...I will say this again. Unless you have proven to do better, DO NOT SAY THE WORD "Potential", it makes you seem very above-it-all, stuck-up in a sense. Besides spacing, I don't find a problem with the story. It's really not bad.
Sounds goo, only thing I have a problem with is the very first sentence. You switched to first person perspective, then switched again right after.
For this one, I won’t post a chapter but some parts of the Database.
The database will get updated every week or two (or more) as I will post it on the Topic Title…
VANGUARD Database:
Renbu Users:
1.
Name: Kyle Kyousuke
Age: 12
Gender: M
Codename: Perseus
Special Move: Wailing Blade
Renbu: Deus Caliber
Renbu Type: Heavy Blade
• Carnage
• Xtreme Speed
• Defense: Zeroed
• Forbidden Factor
Unit Group: Ares
Rank: Frontline
2.
Name: Eric Reiyan
Age: 16
Gender: M
Codename: Orion
Special Move: Hunter’s thrust
Renbu: Toxic Tail
Renbu Type: Lance
• Straight Shot
• Dragon’s Wrath
• Increased Health
Unit Group: Ares
Rank: Melee Support
3.
Name: Sam Alfonso
Age: 16
Gender: M
Codename: Pegasus
Special Move: Lightning Angel
Renbu: Static Thrusters
Renbu Type: Double Swords
• Mobility
• Speed: Increased
• Swift Slash
Unit Group: Ares
Rank: Intel officer, Scout
4.
Name: Azra Axeele
Age: 14
Gender: F
Codename: Gemini
Special Move: Tenkuu Otoshii
Renbu: Yin-Yang
Renbu Type: Dual Pistols
• Sharp Eye
• Eagle Eye
• Bullet Specialist
Unit Group: Ares
Rank: Leader, Ranged Support
So yeah here are my teammates and No! The Director was not a Renbu user nor will he ever be.
Anyway, here are the upgrade descriptions (Note: The upgrades are currently the ones up there and the only ones that will be displayed here are the ones currently known up there):
Carnage: Extremely increased damage
Xtreme Speed: Faster movements
Defense: Zeroed: Defense extremely decreased
Forbidden Factor: Exclusive to Kyle (Why? I’ll explain as I get deeper into the story) Heightened senses, able to sustain extremely mortal wounds and can go in a special state where he’s eyes glow red and go on more a brutal state where he is normally calm and observant.
Straight Shot: Able to throw said weapon in a straight line resulting in an effective, precise hit.
Dragon’s Wrath: When in a dire situation, Eric’s lance becomes engulfed in fire thus making his special move more affective.
Health increased: Increased vitality
Mobility: Can dash and jump in mid-air
Speed: Increased: Increased speed.
Swift Slash: Attacking is quickened.
Sharp Eye: Aiming is greatly enhanced
Eagle Eye: Able to shoot even from the hardest angles
Bullet Specialist: Can use any kind of bullet
Ok this took a lot of spare time… but I am now accepting three characters!
Form:
Name:
Age:
Gender:
Personality:
Renbu Type:
(Sword, Heavy Blade, Spear, Daggers, Pistol, Energy Bow, Katana, Double Bladed Sword, Gauntlets, Hammer, Axe, Rifle, Howitzer (XD), Sniper)
The others (even the Renbu name) are all up to me.
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Elements:
Fire: Sun
Ice: Snow
Wind: Cloud
Rock: Earth
Lightning: Sky
Dark: Night
Light: Divine
Megami:
Cryoprey:
Adapted to freezing climate and can breathe freezing breath. We suggest you use Sun type weapons to burn their sensitive protective membrane.
Mainly seen in: The frozen wasteland of Canada/parts of Canada, The Tundra
Pyroprey:
Adapted to climates that have heat that burns up to the melting point. We suggest using Snow type weapons. It can summon small meteors from the sky which is a special skill for such a low rank Megami.
Mainly seen in: The melted Antarctica (sporting a new volcano)
Fujiprey:
Preys that are so lightweight it can fly through the air… can fire up small dust devils that can blind Renbu users. It is the fastest type of Prey. Earth-type Main Units are suggested.
Mainly seen in: California
Terraprey:
It is known best for its tremendous strength.
It is the Largest and heaviest prey of all the 4 preys. It can also bury underground.
Mainly seen in: The largest but barest and least abundant country in 2099: Russia
Sephalor:
The Dragon the group encountered in the tundra. Docile but aggressive at times it protects its young… always be prepared to fight it.
Mainly seen in: The frozen wasteland of Canada/parts of Canada, The Tundra, Alaska
Orion:
It is a new kind of Megami that has just been discovered. Despite lack of information, Frontline Kyle Kyousuke has obliterated it and extracted parts for tests.
Mainly seen in: New York, The Main Base
About the special Renbu users:
Renbu users are typically known as the Heaven’s Soldiers because they are living in the age after the Earth, but they are struggling to survive in this ‘Heavenâ€
They are chosen by the Renbu, when the Renbu has been chosen, the special cells inside the Renbu inject itself into the User… thus making the Renbu exclusive to only one person. But you can insert special stones that change the attribute of your Renbu. These are called Main Units.
While support units change appearance of your blade and more.
But this is contrary to Kyle who has been using a sword and shield getup in the first chapter.
The answer to that is the Sword and Shield is not a Renbu but a normal tool crafted from obsidian, hence why Kyle didn’t kill anything that time.
The Renbu cells which are called the Eon Vials are more compatible with a younger generation thus why most of the Renbu users are teenaged with some having the power to fight at the top in such a young age… explaining Kyle.
New ways have been experimented to make an effort to at least have a fight against the Megami .
Examples of these are the Pills that help you increase your Vitality, and many more.
There are millions more Megami that have been discovered but not yet introduced in my series so wait for that.
Locations:
The Main Branch (Where Kyle is in) is in New York.
Database will be updated soon…
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Yeah, a lot more should be here but go and learn the Post Apocalyptic Earth in my Perspective.