World Beyblade Organization by Fighting Spirits Inc.

Full Version: The Fallen [A Story by BP] :)
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Yo!

Prologue - The Murder
Episode 1- The Right Path
Episode 2- The new world
Episode 3- The Truth?
I'm liking it, it isn't character request, and the story is actually readable. Very interested in the next chapter!
Thanks. Probably accepting requests later on. Oh and....try to find the song reference. Cool
well nice story reading it im amazed and thinking is it a beystory or something else and if the character is dead than how will the story continue? Uncertain
"Just let it be"? Is that it? Anyway, way to own your character. This is pretty good so far.

EDIT: . I do it all the time in my books. In Andromeda 108, and The Tactician, the main characters die, or nearly do.
Oh you'll see. I have my ways to continue it even if the character is dead.
And its "Let It Be" BTW. Wink Beatles. Old band. LOL. Me friend loves them.
GHOSTS!
Also I see no song reference lol. I don't listen to music much so yeah. "Just let it be, just let it be" sounds familiar to me, rings a bell from somewhere!
Hah, I's a winner! (Just finished listening to "Elanor Rigby", so I'm in Beatles Mode right now.) Hopefully, you pull off the "dead character" thing well.
"The Fallen"...Transformers?

Anyways, a little more length would be nice, but the content isn't bad. So, review time!

*Lots of description and transitions-nice job!

*I think you switched tenses multiple times. Was that intentional?
intresting. you are dead. and you still had time to write a whole story. wow. cant wait for the next part
Yo!

Episode 1- The Right Path
Well, I can't say anything about this,
but this is quite darn good.
Haha , im no story critic or anything but its better then most of the stories on here , not to mention its readable nice work Grin
^Yes and you should make it longer like Gods Pawn
You should have simply stayed in 3rd tense through out this story because there is no way your character would have known about the 3 black hooded guys unless he found out afterwards. Even so you have told it in 3rd tense when you should have left it out or done the whole story third tense. Besides that it is wel put story. Enough description and things going on. Nice length too. I think that is a good length for a forum story like this as we shouldn't be reading too much on a computer screen and the fact that the internet is so distracting people can't be too bothered reading for too long.
^This is my problem actually. For my level comprehension that is. Also, it's true that it is not that long because I search the Thesaurus first for synonyms. Why? For a 10 year old like me, I have a small vocabulary unlike you guys. And this searching takes a LOT of time. Wink
Episode 2- The new world
DUDE COME ON POST TEH NEXT STORY.
I honestly want to see where this is going, it sounds great! Xero Frigo? Freakin awesome name! I LOVE Xero, and Frigo is SO not generic at all. Keep up the good work!
this is sooooooo much better than most other stories here. welll done.
EDIT: Wait you're 10!!!!!!
^Yes, yes I am. I'm working on the next right now.
Alright people, I'm almost done with Epi. 3 No, it's not long, it's just that I have school and other stuff to worry about.
Episode 3- The Truth?
I really like the story idea that you have come up with for this. Your writing is also really good, you are able to put in description in an interesting and entertaining way. Like others have said, this is a lot better than most of the other stories in the Your Creations Forum. The only thing that was negative that I noticed was that you missed an "l" in the word OverWorldians in the last paragraph of the third chapter. I'm very impressed with this, because I have been going to other stories and bringing up a list of things to improve, while you only have this one very minor thing.

I really look forward to reading more of this gem which shines out in the somewhat Junkyard that we call the Your Creations Forum.
Thanks Swift! I didn't notice that..I'm gonna edit it right now.
Episode 4: The AKT Guild
"Oh, and what did the old man tell me again?" I thought as I tried to remember what he said. "I think he said something about a girl named Maria?" I suddenly burst out loud. All the people whom I never noticed were there stared at me as if I was a vast and tall tower but I ignored them.......completely. I just sat down at one of those fluffy red cushions which felt exactly like those in the temple until I realized something, something I should have asked myself the moment I emerged from that strange sparkling golden door. I glanced at the sight. It was a vast room filled with spirits like me, pacing around like an impatient kid would do. There were also spirits who wore weird blue vests that were standing behind silver counters where the others lined up. Aside from this, there was nothing, nothing special at all in the room unlike the temple which I felt was....magical and mystical.

I approached a frail old man sitting on a bench in the corner. "Where am I?" I asked politely. "You're in the AKT Guild kiddo." he answered so loudly that made me think he was drunk. "Uh.....and what is that?" I responded. "You're new here aren't 'ya?" he asked with a questioning but piercing look that made me shiver. I nodded as he sighed. "The AKT Guild or the Abyss Knight Training Guild is where you are." he said.
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